Couples Therapy
The Case for Couples Therapy
"The bond with the person you live out your life with – the one you grow up and grow old with – is the single most important connection you will ever have."
Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage.
More U.S. marriages than ever are ending in divorce. According to data collected by the U.S. Census in 2004, among men and women who had married between 1970 and 1974, only 44 percent were still married 30 years later. (Nearly all marriages that ended by 30 years resulted from divorce rather than the death of a spouse.)
According to U.S. census data, divorce rates here skyrocketed during the divorce boom of 1965-1974 and have changed little during the intervening 30 years. Several studies found that divorce rates in the U.S. during the period 1965-1985 increased by 20 to 25 percent.
*** Sources:
Sharon Jayson, USA Today, 9/19/07: "Divorce Threat Persists Throughout Marriage."
Why the dramatic increase? Perhaps chief among the factors contributing to this "boom" in divorces was no-fault divorce legislation. Thirty-two states passed no-fault laws between 1965 and 1974. These laws effectively changed the cultural norm, weakening the notion of accountability for failure of the relationship and lowering our expectations of marriage. By 1974, partners could leave a marriage on the premise that a short period of separation constituted an irretrievable breakdown of the relationship.
Other factors have doubtless contributed to maintaining the postwar U.S. divorce rate, as well. Among these are the added complexity of our lives, and the increased and conflicting demands on couples' time, attention and resources. These demands stem from multiple factors, including dual careers, increased mobility of nuclear families (and separation from the support of extended families), ever-higher expectations of what it means to be "successful," poor adult role models when growing up, and increasingly less time and energy to nurture the love and friendship which bring couples together in the first place.
Both men and women in marriages which they describe as happy and stable also report improved physical health (e.g., lower rates of heart attack, breast cancer and prostate cancer), higher career satisfaction, and more resilience in the face of stress. The children of these marriages have more secure attachments as children and tend to go on into stable and happy relationships as adults.
My Philosophy
Contrary to popular belief, the most common complaints I hear from couples seeking marital therapy are related not to sex and finances, but rather, (1) "I'm exhausted," 2) "I'm not in love any more," (3) "We can't seem to talk without it turning into a fight," and (4) "We treat each other like roommates."
Couples typically struggle with these issues on their own for months, even years, before they seek help from "outside." Ongoing or escalating conflict has left them feeling discouraged, angry, and disillusioned. By this time, one or both partners are often wondering if their differences are "irreconcilable" and whether divorce is the only remedy left, and many couples simply bypass the couple’s therapist on their way to divorce.
Among my core beliefs are these:
1. Friendship is at the foundation of viable, healthy marriage.
2. In order to survive and to thrive, friendship requires that we learn and put into practice some basic skills in communicating mutual trust and respect.
3. Anger and disagreements happen in every marriage. It's how we handle these disagreements that's important. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are all destructive to marriage, as they are to any friendship. However, conflict does not signal "irreconcilable differences," nor does it signal the end of any possibility for a happy and healthy marriage.
5. By and large, we choose the person whom we marry for the right reasons, although we are not fully aware of all the reasons when we marry that person.
6. Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship. If couples learn to sort out and to resolve these disputes thoughtfully and respectfully, each partner feels understood and respected, and mutual trust and friendship deepen. There's another benefit: while disagreements often expose old wounds, when handled thoughtfully, they can bring us new insight into ourselves and are opportunities to heal old wounds from our past.
7. Research has demonstrated that, if both partners learn and practice some fundamental steps to communicate with their partner, if each respects and responds thoughtfully to what he learns through that communication, and if they each agree to end active addiction, physical abuse, and inappropriate extramarital relationships, the couple is likely to remain married and to be happily married years later.
How I Work With Couples
Research indicates that healing and change occur in marital therapy, no matter what the theoretical approach. Few, if any, therapists work strictly from a single approach advanced by a particular "expert" in the field.
In working with couples, I draw from six decades of life experience, 38 years of marriage, 17 years of clinical experience, and from the combined experience and research of three people, in particular, in the field of couples therapy: Harville Hendrix, John Gottman, and Terrence Real. These three share the view that basic skills in communication are absolutely necessary to marital satisfaction, and that most of us are not well prepared with these skills. Each has also made distinct contributions of his own.
Everyone needs to feel understood. In intimate relationships, feeling understood is basic to our feeling valued by, and in turn to valuing, our partner. Harville Hendrix recognized that couples desperately want to understand their partner's point of view but that few of us have learned to actively listen to our partner, to recognize how our unconscious expectations, biases and defenses often interfere with what we hear, and to filter these out. Hendrix' work in Imago Therapy provides a framework to understand how our past experiences influence what we hear and what we seek from others, particularly from our partners.
John Gottman agrees that communication is important, but he sees friendship as the foundation of a sound relationship. Whatever differences and conflicts bring couples to seek help, we seem to share a universal notion of friendship, what it means to be a friend, and standards for how friends treat each other. John Gottman is one of the country's few empirical researchers on marital satisfaction. Through this research, he has found specific ways which are particularly effective in teaching couples to build mutual trust, respect and shared meaning.
Terrence Real, like John Gottman, stresses the importance of respect and friendship in the marital relationship. However, he provides additional insight into how each partner's mistaken and often-unconscious beliefs about himself and his partner profoundly influence feelings and behavior toward the partner. (He refers to these beliefs as negative expectations, or one's core negative image, of his partner.) In addition, Real offers specific suggestions to help couples work through and dispel these beliefs, so that they can learn to relate as respectful, rational, and loving adults.
Couples Therapy vs. Individual Therapy
Couples therapy differs in at least two important respects from individual therapy. First, the focus in couples therapy is the relationship itself. In order to maintain that focus, and to reassure both partners that I'm working for the benefit of the relationship, I meet with both partners together for nearly every visit. Second, couples therapy is generally more structured than individual therapy. Unstructured couples therapy generally doesn't work well. During the early sessions, our focus is on assessing the state of the relationship. Because the overall goal of therapy is that partners learn to communicate in order to resolve conflict and to strengthen the bonds of trust and friendship, I encourage couples in every session to talk to each other. My role is primarily that of a coach, rather than an expert.
In order to provide sufficient time to explore more complex issues with both partners, I recommend 80-minute sessions. However, we may need to limit sessions to 45 minutes (for example, to comply with insurance plans). I devote the first three sessions (or six sessions if appointments are limited to 45 minutes) to a comprehensive assessment. During these sessions, we will discuss each of your concerns, expectations, your family and personal history, and the history of the current relationship. I pay attention to how you and your partner are interacting. During the third (or sixth) session, I will offer feedback regarding the strengths and areas of concern I have identified in your relationship and in how you communicate. Of course, if you decide to continue couples therapy beyond the initial assessment, we will continue to assess and monitor your progress during subsequent sessions, and I may offer suggestions about what to discuss, but I will encourage the couple to agree to the agenda we follow for each session.
For Further Reading
John Gottman:
Website: www.gottman.com
Books by John Gottman:
· Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, 271 pages. (A New York Times Bestseller)
· Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…and How You Can Make Yours Last,
Take the Gottman Relationship Quiz:
http://www.gottman.com/marriage/relationship_quiz/
Harville Hendrix:
Websites: www.harvillehendrix.com
www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com
Books by Harville Hendrix:
· Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Terrence Real:
Website: www.terryreal.com
Books by Terrence Real:
· I Don't Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression - 1998 - 388 pages
· The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work... - 2007 - 320 pages
· How Can I Get Through to You: Reconnecting Men and Women ... - 2002 - 312 pages
Another View:
Making your marriage work By Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist - Divorce Mediator - Life Coach
http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Relationships/make_marriage_work.html
Lynda and William Talmadge: Love Making: The Intimate Journey in Marriage
References
Sean E. Brotherson and Jeffrey B. Teichert, "Value of the Law in Shaping Social Perspectives on Marriage", 3 U. of Utah Jnl. L. & Fam. Stud. 23, at 47, citing Kevin Andrews & Margaret Andrews, Rebuilding a Culture of Marriage, 18 Australian Fam at 20, 29 (1997).
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