The Butcher Knife Son-In-Law

The Butcher Knife Son-in-Law

(Hocho Muko)

Son-in-Law

Father-in-Law

Taro Kaja

Teacher

Woman

FATHER-IN-LAW I am a resident of this neighborhood. As today is a most auspicious day, I expect a visit from my son-in-law. Concerning which, I will call my servant Taro Kaja and give him a job to do. Taro Kaja, are you there?

TARO KAJA Here.

FATHER-IN-LAW There you are.

TARO KAJA At your service, Sir.

FATHER-IN-LAW You came quite quickly. The matter I have called you here about is of no great import. As today is a most auspicious day, I expect my son-in-law to come for a visit. Have you prepared the things I ordered you to?

TARO KAJA Indeed, I have prepared everything you ordered with the greatest care.

FATHER-IN-LAW Let me know when he arrives.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir.

SON-IN-LAW I am a new son-in-law, greatly beloved of my father-in-law. As today is a most auspicious day, I have decided to make my Ceremonial First Visit. I borrowed this and that from here and there, and was finally able to get together the formal attire I am now wearing. But, also, I have heard that the protocol for this ceremony is most complicated and difficult. Well now, Someone (name of the actor playing the TEACHER) lives near here. He is most wise in such matters. I will drop by his place to learn the proper protocol before I go to make my Ceremonial First Visit. I must hurry on my way. Truly, I do hope he is at home, for I am certain if he is, all I need do is ask, and he will teach me all I need to know. Well, here I am already. First I will announce myself. Hello in there! Is anybody home?

TEACHER Well, someone is at the door! Who is there?

SON-IN-LAW It is I!

TEACHER Oh, it is you! Well, I must say, you are in fine attire.

SON-IN-LAW Do I really look all right?

TEACHER In all the times you have come here, I have never seen you dressed so fine.

SON-IN-LAW You have a discerning eye. I will not hide nothing from you. I am on my way today to make my Ceremonial First Visit to my new father-in-law.

TEACHER What is this? Your Ceremonial First Visit?

SON-IN-LAW Most certainly.

TEACHER Well, I must say, this is a happy occasion. If I had known sooner, I could have gathered an entourage for you, but I knew nothing about it at all.

SON-IN-LAW Of course, you knew nothing about it, as I just decided today to do it.

TEACHER Tell me if you need anything done.

SON-IN-LAW I do have a most urgent request.

TEACHER What is it?

SON-IN-LAW I have heard that the Ceremonial First Visit protocol is most complicated and difficult. As you have made such visits time and again, you likely have abundant knowledge of such things. I request that you teach me the proper protocol.

TEACHER You should not let anyone hear you talk like that. When have I made the Ceremonial First Visit "time and again?"

SON-IN-LAW Why, whenever I meet you on the street and ask where you are going, do you not always reply that you are on your way to your father-in-law's place?

TEACHER Those have always been times when I was on my way to visit my father-in-law to celebrate some festival day or other. No one ever makes the Ceremonial First Visit to his father-in-law but once in a lifetime.

SON-IN-LAW So you say no one ever makes the Ceremonial First Visit to his father-in-law but once in a lifetime?

TEACHER Most certainly.

SON-IN-LAW In that case, I have made a most foolish mistake. I thought that you were going to make the Ceremonial First Visit every time you went to your father-in-law's place.

TEACHER This is understandable as you did not know the truth of the matter. So now you say you want to learn the proper protocol?

SON-IN-LAW Please teach it to me.

TEACHER One does not keep such complicated matters memorized by heart. I wrote it all down somewhere on the edge of something or other. Wait right here while I go look for it.

SON-IN-LAW With all my heart.

TEACHER (Aside.) What is this? There are most certainly foolish people in this world. He has come asking to be taught the protocol for the Ceremonial First Visit. I'll just give him a good ribbing and make him the laughing stock of the town. (He goes and gets a document, and then speaks to the SON-IN-LAW.) I say, I say! Are you still there?

SON-IN-LAW I am still here.

TEACHER Well, I found it, and it says there are three types of protocol--that of the ancient past, that of the near past, and that of the present. Which do you wish to learn?

SON-IN-LAW It seems the ancient past would be much too old, and even the near past is, after all, the past. Thus as everyone is always going on about how things should be of the present, please teach me the present style.

TEACHER It appears that marriage has served to endow you with discretion. The present style protocol is the simplest of the three. I will teach it to you.

SON-IN-LAW I am most grateful.

TEACHER Are you able to read and write?

SON-IN-LAW I am most inept at such matters.

TEACHER Can your wife read and write?

SON-IN-LAW I do not believe that you could really call what she does true writing, but she does scribble things that look like the tracks of dancing sparrows.

TEACHER If that is the case, it is all very simple. Since this is written all in Kana syllabary, she will be able to read it sufficiently. In other words, the protocol for the Ceremonial First Visit is all written down here. Take this document and have her read it for you.

SON-IN-LAW So you say the protocol for the Ceremonial First Visit is all written down here?

TEACHER If you do what it says, you will be praised for your great knowledge.

SON-IN-LAW I am most grateful. When I get there I will likely receive many fine things. On my way home, I will bring you a share of them for your pains.

TEACHER I will most certainly be here waiting for you.

SON-IN-LAW Now I will be on my way.

TEACHER You say you are going?

SON-IN-LAW Most certainly.

TEACHER I thank you for visiting me.

SON-IN-LAW Haaaaa. (The TEACHER exits.) Oh, how happy, how happy I am. That went very well. I must hurry on my way. Truly, one with such great learning is rare. As often as I have gone and as many things as I have asked, he has never yet answered he did not know. And today, thanks to him, I can complete my Ceremonial First Visit with greatest ease. Well, here I am back home already. I say, I say, Wife, are you there?

WOMAN What is it now, what is it now? What have you called me here about?

SON-IN-LAW What do you mean what have I called you here about, for as you know, as today is a most auspicious day, I have decided to make my Ceremonial First Visit. How do I look?

WOMAN Why, to me, you look very good indeed.

SON-IN-LAW Concerning which, can you read this?

WOMAN Let me see, let me see. As it is written all in syllabary, I can read it very well.

SON-IN-LAW Then as you see, the protocol for the First Ceremonial Visit of a new son-in-law is written down there. Come with me to father-in-law's place and read it for me.

WOMAN With all my heart.

SON-IN-LAW Then let us be on our way. Come, come, let's go, let's go.

WOMAN Well, I am sure that today father is eagerly awaiting your arrival.

SON-IN-LAW As I am going to visit him for the first time, when I think of all the eyes that will be staring at me out of the windows and the hedges along the way, I feel quite embarrassed.

WOMAN Since it is not as though we were going to visit some perfect stranger, what have you to feel embarrassed about?

SON-IN-LAW Is it very far away?

WOMAN Well, here we are already.

SON-IN-LAW In that case, I will go in as soon as I put on my long trousers, so you go on in ahead of me.

WOMAN With all my heart.

SON-IN-LAW Well now, I have never before worn these things called long trousers. Well, I must say, how long they are. I have no idea how to even begin putting them on. This sort of thing I should have learned to do before coming here. (He tries putting the long trousers on various ways during the following scene before he is finally able to get them on right.)

WOMAN Taro Kaja, I am here.

TARO KAJA And you are indeed welcome.

WOMAN Daddy, I have come home.

FATHER-IN-LAW And I am glad you have come. Well, where is my son-in-law?

WOMAN He is out front putting on his long trousers.

FATHER-IN-LAW He does not need to put them on. Taro Kaja, go tell my son-in-law that he does not need to put his long trousers on, and that he should come right on in here.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir. (To SON-IN-LAW.) I say, I say. Are you the new son-in-law?

SON-IN-LAW That is indeed who I am.

TARO KAJA My master says that you do not need to put your long trousers on and that you should come right on inside.

SON-IN-LAW Then tell him I will be right in.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir. (To FATHER-IN-LAW.) He says he will be right in.

FATHER-IN-LAW What can he be up to? (To TARO KAJA.) Hey, hey! Tell him to hurry up and come in here.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir. (To SON-IN-LAW) I say! He says you are to hurry up and come inside.

(The SON-IN-LAW finally succeeds in getting his long trousers on correctly, and he comes in to greet his FATHER-IN-LAW.)

SON-IN-LAW I request your kind hospitality.

FATHER-IN-LAW I am happy to make your acquaintance.

SON-IN-LAW I should have come much sooner, but I have put if off for one reason and another until today.

FATHER-IN-LAW I have heard that you are extremely busy. I heartily thank you for coming to visit me today. (To TARO KAJA.) Taro Kaja, bring the wine cup.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir. . . I have brought the wine cup.

FATHER-IN-LAW (To SON-IN-LAW.) Will you not have a drink?

SON-IN-LAW You must drink first.

FATHER-IN-LAW In that case, I will drink first.

SON-IN-LAW That is best.

FATHER-IN-LAW Taro Kaja, pour for me.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir.

FATHER-IN-LAW Now it is full. (He drinks.) Now, Son-in-Law, I pass this cup to you.

SON-IN-LAW And I receive it.

FATHER-IN-LAW I regret I have soiled it.

SON-IN-LAW It does not matter. Taro Kaja, pour for me.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir.

SON-IN-LAW How dry, how dry! It goes down like a thorn that was shoved in and jerked back out again.

FATHER-IN-LAW If dry wine does not suit you, let me offer you a sweeter wine.

SON-IN-LAW I am most happy with this dry wine.

FATHER-IN-LAW Are you, then, a good drinker?

SON-IN-LAW I am quite a good drinker.

FATHER-IN-LAW If that is the case, have another cup.

SON-IN-LAW If that is the case, I will accept another cup. (To TARO KAJA.) Please pour for me again.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir. (Pouring.) Drink a full cup.

SON-IN-LAW (He drinks.) The more I drink, the better this wine tastes. While I realize how rude it may seem, Father-in-Law, I pass this cup to you.

FATHER-IN-LAW And I receive it. (He has TARO KAJA pour for him and he drinks.) Now I pass this cup to my daughter.

WOMAN And I receive it.

FATHER-IN-LAW You too must drink a cup.

(The WOMAN accepts the cup, has TARO KAJA pour for her, and drinks.)

SON-IN-LAW I must tell you, Father-in-Law, when your daughter came to be my bride, she was quite shy and submissive, but now that we have become more intimate, she scolds at me all the time.

FATHER-IN-LAW If she does not act as she should, feel free to scold her all you please.

SON-IN-LAW Oh, no, never! She has never once acted unseemly. Above all, she and I get along most well together.

FATHER-IN-LAW Above all, that is a matter of great happiness.

SON-IN-LAW And there is positive proof of how well we get along. She has become inordinately fond of green plums these days.

WOMAN Shhhhhh! One should not speak of things such as that.

FATHER-IN-LAW (Laughing.) What a frank and jolly young man my son-in-law is!

WOMAN Father, I pass this cup to you.

FATHER-IN-LAW And I receive it. (To SON-IN-LAW.) Now, will you not have one more cup?

SON-IN-LAW I have already had quite enough.

FATHER-IN-LAW If that is the case, we will put the cup away.

SON-IN-LAW That is a fine idea.

FATHER-IN-LAW Taro Kaja, take the cup away, and then bring out the thing I told you to prepare.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir.

(TARO KAJA brings on a chopping board, a set of knives, and a fish, and places them in front of the SON-IN-LAW.)

FATHER-IN-LAW Son-in-Law, show us what you can do with that.

SON-IN-LAW You mean you want me to cut this?

FATHER-IN-LAW Most certainly.

SON-IN-LAW I am most inept at such things. Please allow me not to do it.

FATHER-IN-LAW There is no way I can let you not do it, for it is the ceremony protocol of our family. It does not matter how well you do. I beg you to show us what you can do with it.

SON-IN-LAW So you say that you want me to execute the ceremony protocol for today?

FATHER-IN-LAW Most certainly.

SON-IN-LAW In that case, I will go get ready and come back here.

FATHER-IN-LAW Do it any way you like, but do it.

SON-IN-LAW Wife, wife! Come with me for a minute.

WOMAN What is it?

SON-IN-LAW Now we have come to the important part. Please read for me now the thing I gave you before.

WOMAN With all my heart. Let's see, let's see. The way to do sumo wrestling. First you must take out your fan and put it on the ground.

SON-IN-LAW What's that? You say I must put my fan on the ground?

WOMAN Most certainly.

SON-IN-LAW I have put my fan on the ground.

WOMAN You must also draw your sword and put it on the ground.

SON-IN-LAW It's done, it's done. I have drawn my sword and put it on the ground.

WOMAN You must take off your long trousers.

SON-IN-LAW What? Take off my long trousers?

WOMAN Most certainly.

SON-IN-LAW Oh, how happy, how happy I am! They have been so uncomfortable from the start that I can't stand them. If I had known that this was what I had to do, I would have had you read it a lot sooner. There now, I have taken off my long trousers.

WOMAN You must also take off your outer robe.

SON-IN-LAW If I must, I must. I have taken off my outer robe too.

WOMAN You must call your opponent and have a sumo match with him.

SON-IN-LAW What's that? You say I must do sumo wrestling? I am particularly good at sumo. Here, I will have a sumo match!

FATHER-IN-LAW (Laughing, to TARO KAJA.) I wonder what he thinks he's up to.

TARO KAJA Just what could it be?

FATHER-IN-LAW (Aside.) I heard that my new son-in-law is most sober and honest. Someone must have duped him. If I do not join in with him, I will be the one who is laughed at and called a bumpkin. Now I will do what he is doing, so you go tell the other servants that no one is to laugh.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir.

FATHER-IN-LAW And don't you laugh either! Come over here and help me get myself ready.

TARO KAJA As you say, Sir.

FATHER-IN-LAW Taro Kaja, you be referee.

(FATHER-IN-LAW and SON-IN-LAW grapple with each other in grand sumo style three times, and finally they begin fighting in earnest.)

WOMAN What is this?! They have begun fighting in earnest! Here, here! Stop and forgive each other, stop and forgive each other! (Grabbing SON-IN-LAW by the leg)

SON-IN-LAW What do you mean grabbing my leg? Grab Father-in-Law's leg, grab Father-in-Law's leg!

WOMAN With all my heart. (Going around and grabbing FATHER-IN-LAW's leg.) Stop and forgive each other!

FATHER-IN-LAW Here, here! If you grab my leg, I'll never let you into the house again! Grab Son-in-Law's leg, grab Son-in-Law's leg!

WOMAN Above all, stop and forgive each other, stop and forgive each other!

SON-IN-LAW Hey! If you grab my leg, I'll leave you!

WOMAN Then what am I to do?

SON-IN-LAW Grab Father-in-Law's leg!

WOMAN With all my heart.