The Biography of Gwen Amada

The Biography of Gwen Amada

Life experiences of a woman suffering from Scrupulosity:

A religious subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

A Qualitative Research Study by:

Jennifer L. Blackburn

Dr. Thomas Yawkey

CI 597C - Summer, 2006

PennStateUniversity

Note: A pseudonym is being used for the subject’s name for privacy protection.

A Vignette:

It was September 11th, 2001; a day marked by terror and grief. Little did Gwen know about the horrific events of the preceding hours when she called her Mother and said, “Mom, I just don’t think I can stay in school this semester…I’m taking a medical withdrawal.” Her mother understood the situation surrounding Gwen, but took the opportunity to warn her about the day’s events. Not having cable TV at her apartment, Gwen saw some of the disturbing images on campus TVs later that day. Despite the effect 9/11 had on most Americans, Gwen was lost in her own mini-crisis, and had trouble processing the massive consequences of the actions took by the terrorists on that day. What was Gwen so deeply troubled about in her own life? That is what The Biography of GwenAmada will attempt to reveal in as much detail as possible.

Background:

Gwen Amada was born into a loving family during the winter of 1979. As she grew up in a small town, she was supported and encouraged in the many activities and learning experiences she undertook. She enjoyed singing in school choirs, participating in the band, and playing piano on the side. She also enjoyed being a member of various Christian clubs and youth groups. She had many friends, and seemed in every way to be a “normal” child / teenager. Her school years passed by with relatively few problems and with many academic achievements. Though her parents separated again during her senior year of high school (having separated once before she was born), the transition went fairly smoothly, all things considered. Her family continued to get together for birthdays, holidays, and other special events, which helped a great deal. By the time college arrived, she was ready to move onto a new phase in her life.

Full of zeal and enthusiasm, Gwen’s freshman year began happily. However, gradually she became involved with a particular campus religious group that was pretty extreme in their beliefs. Having become a Christian at the age of 12 (while in the hospital for some surgery), it was not unusual for her to seek out spiritual guidance in a social setting. But unfortunately Gwen did not realize the rigidity of this group’s beliefs until her own spirituality had become warped and damaged. However, this was just the beginning of many extreme religious experiences throughout her college career….

Toward the end of her freshman year, Gwen realized what had happened to her spirituality and began to distance herself from that particular religious group. Over the summer she recovered her own beliefs, and toward the beginning of her sophomore year she found a more moderate Christian church to be involved with. This proved to be a good choice, and though she missed the fall semester of her sophomore year due to back problems, she recovered quickly and became quite involved in her new church home during the spring semester.

Reflecting on her college years, Gwen stated that her sophomore year was when she was the most “normal.” During the summer before her junior year began, she became quite intensely religious again, this time leading her to change her major from something she loved to something she thought God wanted her to do. Because of her deep conviction about God’s will for her life she gave up everything she had going for her in her original field of study. She was successful in her new field as well; however, it proved not to be the wisest choice for future employment.

Though her chosen church home started out as a better environment for her spirituality, Gwen gradually began developing a mental illness during her junior year, which deeply impacted the way she practiced Christianity. She struggled through that year not really understanding what was happening to her. Though the spring semester was academically challenging and very busy, she spent many hours in prayer and reading the Bible, at the expense of other things. After that semester ended, she went home spiritually deluded, malnourished, sleep-deprived, and weighing 20 pounds less than she had at Christmas. To say the least, her family was very concerned about her condition, and took her to the doctor immediately.

Though Gwen recovered over the summer, her mental problems were overlooked and not diagnosed until the spring of her senior year. At first her family doctor diagnosed her with Anxiety. The doctor gave her some medicine which helped for a little while. However, the real root of her anxiety was not discovered until she had somewhat of a “mental breakdown” during the week of September 11th, 2001. It was then, after withdrawing from college (during what would have been her last semester), that she began seeing a psychiatrist, and later a Christian psychologist.

Thus began the great ordeal of finding the proper medicines to treat her illness and getting her appropriate help to deal with her thoughts. What was going on with Gwen? Well, it all centered around her feeling compelled to respond to a voice in her head that she thought was God. Naturally, the first diagnosis that surfaced was Schizophrenia. Her family was dismayed…what had happened to their fun-loving, outgoing, musical little girl? Would she be demented for the rest of her life?

The fall of 2001 and the spring of 2002 were the most difficult and challenging times for Gwen in her life to this date. She spent her days staring into space, depressed, discouraged, and very confused about her religion. Later in this paper, I will include quotes from Gwen that will reveal more details about this period of her life.

Though it took a long time, she managed to pull through, and is doing much better these days. During the spring of 2003 she went back to college and finished her degree. After working for a year, she decided to attend graduate school to get her Masters degree – which she is still in the process of completing. In the fall of 2004 she began to see a different psychiatrist in her new locale, who had the keenness to detect that Gwen was actually dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). After this new diagnosis, Gwen began to better understand her mental illness and her past history.

OCD tends to latch onto whatever is most important in someone’s life. Because Gwen’s religion/spirituality was of utmost importance to her for so long, the OCD attached itself to that aspect of her life and distorted it terribly. Ever since her freshman year in college, she was not an “average” Christian, but was obsessed with her religion and felt compelled to think/do certain things. Though her association with certain religious groups fueled the fire, it was really the OCD that led to her downfall. But Gwen's story isn't all negative, as she married a loving and supportive man toward the end of 2005. She is much happier these days, and feels she has a bright future.

Scrupulosity:

"Scrupulosity" is a relatively rare subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. According to the Wikipedia website (a free online encyclopedia) the term is“derived from the Latin word scrupulus (a sharp stone), implying a stabbing pain on the conscience. Traditionally a Catholic concept, scrupulosity is the obsessive concern with one's own sins frequently focusing on acts or thoughts not usually considered sins within one's religious tradition (based on Santa and Ciarrocchi) (2006, p. 1).” OCD in general occurs in an estimated 1-3% of the American population, and its causes appear to be biological (some say genetic and enviromental factors are also important) (Dunkel, 2005,p. 1). Usually medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) are used to treat OCD, including the scrupulosity subtype (Watkins, 2004, p. 2). Medication is most often administered by a psychiatrist, and the CBT by a psychologist or therapist. Gwen had access to both forms of treatment. For her, the medication has helped a lot (though she has been to a number of psychiatrists, and tried a lot of different medicines until she found the best one for her). The CBT she experienced was only somewhat successful.

People of various faiths deal with scrupulosity, however, in America one might hear most often about Jews and Catholic or Protestant Christians. Some notable religious historical figures such as: John Bunyan, St. Ignatius of Loyola, and St. Alphonsus Liguori dealt with scrupulosity and included some of their sufferings in their writings (Ciarrocchi, 1995, p. 32; Santa, 1999, p. 4). Therefore, it is not only a modern phenomenon, but has occurred for many centuries. Below is an excerpt from a therapist’s website which, based on my research, is one of the more accurate accounts of the type of scrupulosity that Gwen has dealt with. When asked her opinion, Gwen agreed that I should include it in my paper, as it might be helpful in explaining her scrupulosity.

For most, religious beliefs provide moral and spiritual guidance, a sense of purpose, comfort, structure, and community. However, for those with scrupulosity, religion becomes compulsive, joyless and a source of anxiety and stress. Scrupulosity, a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), is an over-concern for doing things correctly or perfectly in order to follow religious practices, to please God, or to avoid disrespect from others or from one’s own self. This form of over-concern and over-responsibility leads to excessive anxiety and guilt. It has been referred to by some as having an excessively tender conscience. . . . Those suffering from OCD are generally aware that their obsessions are irrational and unlikely. With scrupulosity, there is less awareness that the obsessions are of an irrational nature because they are so closely related to their belief system and are intertwined in the individual’s religious life. This fact can negatively impact the prognosis for treatment success. One’s own well-being and God's approval are seen as being at stake, thus creating more resistance in the patient. A cooperative effort between a person's religious leader and therapist sometimes proves to be an effective treatment (Riddle-Walker,2004,p. 1).

OCD in general manifests itself in obsessions (with a particular fear or fears), and compulsions, which are usually actions that one takes to reduce the anxiety caused by one's fear(s). These actions are often an attempt at preventing one's fears from happening. An example of scrupulosity might be: the fear of displeasing God (the obsession), and constant ritualistic praying (the compulsion). This example was actually true for Gwen.

Research Method:

What led me to use Gwen Amada as a subject for my research project? Well, in many ways I can identify with her struggles. I myself was a Christian who struggled with some scrupulosity for a number of years in my life. Because of the similarities between Gwen and me, I really felt drawn to her situation. Since she is a friend of mine, I had easy access to her account, and rapport was already established.

I feel that scrupulosity is not understood very well, for it is a rather strange phenomenon. There seems to be a lack of resources and research about what it is like to actually experience this disorder. I believe that a thorough examination of a victim's life is needed, and warranted. My hope is that other people who deal with scrupulosity will find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their struggles. I also hope that this research study will contribute to the body of knowledge in the fields of Psychology, Religion, and the Psychology of Religion.

My major purpose for this study is to provide a portrait of the life of a person who suffers from scrupulosity.

My central research question was:

• "How do a person’s beliefs affect their experiences and behavior when they are suffering from scrupulosity?"

Some subquestions of my research were:

• "What is the essence of the life experiences of an individual who suffers from scrupulosity?"
• "Is scrupulosity debilitating? Does it interfere with one's daily activities? To what extent?"
• "Does it ruin one's attachment to one's religion? If so, how? If not, why not?"
• "What are the emotions experienced throughout the process of dealing with scrupulosity?"
• "How does one recover from scrupulosity? Or does one recover at all?"

I mainly gathered my data through lengthy interviews with Gwen, artifacts (such as some of Gwen's journal entries), and documents (books and websites about scrupulosity). Also, with Gwen's permission, I emailed her family members, her husband, and her former roommate (a close friend) to get their input about Gwen's experiences with scrupulosity. Those accounts are included in the Appendices of this paper, along with how I recorded and stored my data. I classified my data by grouping Gwen's statements under the headings of my research questions.

As I began researching Gwen's life and facts about scrupulosity, it occurred to me that I could do a case study of Gwen, instead of a biography. It seemed that focusing on just her experience with intense scrupulosity and her struggle through it, might make an interesting case. However, as I reflected on the basis for a case study, I realized that it would need to be a bounded system, which didn't seem to fit this particular issue (as it would only cover 5 or 6 years of Gwen's life). In addition, I felt that I wanted to be able to describe Gwen's background as it related to her experiences with scrupulosity -- as that seems to be an important aspect of her life, and it plays a role in how her experiences with scrupulosity unfolded. In short, Gwen's life as a whole needed to be portrayed, in order to get the full picture. Thus, I chose a biographical approach.

Gwen's responses to my Research Questions (in her own words):

1) What is the essence of the life experiences of an individual who suffers from scrupulosity?

(See "Background" section.)

2) Is scrupulosity debilitating? Does it interfere with one's daily activities? To what extent?

Scrupulosity can definitely be debilitating. In my case, I came to the point where I had to withdraw from school. I couldn't work or do anything for a whole year. Even my daily routines slowed down immensely. It took me an hour or more to get ready in the morning, and it took me more than a hour to eat eachmeal, etc. All I did was sit around the house in a daze. Part of this was due tothe long experimentation with medicines. Some of them really doped me up. But eventually things got better. I was able to go out with friends and enjoylife again. The real accomplishment was going back to school to finish my degree. I wasn't sure I'd ever get to that point....

3) Does it ruin one's attachment to one's religion? If so, how? If not, why not?

Well, for me it did. I've known other people who deal with scrupulosity who were able to keep their faith. However, in my life I eventuallycame to the point where I couldn't stand it any longer. One of the major obsessions I used to deal with was the fear of not pleasing God. This obsessionresulted in many compulsions, a major one being constant prayers in my head. IfI saw homeless or sick people, I would say a prayer for them. If I saw a tiredworker at Wal-Mart, I would say a prayer for them. If I had a sinful thought, I would say a prayer asking for forgiveness. Get the idea? My head was filled withlittle prayers almost constantly. I'm sure you can imagine how draining that was for me. I dealt with it for years....

Finally, one day as I was reading a book on Psychotherapy and Religion, the thought occurred to me: "I wonder if I change my beliefs about God, if that will have an impact on my OCD?" I thenbegan a "spiritual quest." My intent was to experiment with my OCD and myreligious beliefs. However, it actually lead to me abandoning my religion. I still consider myself a spiritual person -- I believe in God, and I love nature, etc. But as I began to experiment with other ways of viewing God, and began totalk to people of many different kinds of beliefs, I discovered that Christianitywas too limited and close-minded. I also began to develop many questionsthat Christianity didn't seem to have a good answer for.

The amazing thing is this change actually helped my OCD! Because I no longer believedin a personal God, I didn't have to pray to Him all the time. I felt so free, soalive and independent! Though I went "wild" for a period of time, I finallycalmed down before anything significantly bad happened to me. In fact,it was right as I was beginning to calm down that I met the man who isnow my husband -- a wonderful man, I might add! So anyway,I'm afraid my scrupulosity did in fact ruin my attachment to my religion. Some people were horrified by this…however, I feel satisfied with the result. I'm getting stronger day by day -- and I love the sense of freedom I nowhave.