A BELATED DATE!
A PLAY BY
BRIAN LAWLESS
EXTRACT
(c) Brian Lawless 2017
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SMITH SCRIPTS –
A Belated Date!
By Brian Lawless
Characters (6-8 actors)
Colin – a widower aged 75ish
Frank – a long standing divorcee with an eye to the main chance aged 73ish
Jean – an attractive widow aged 68ish
Beryl – an attractive divorcee aged 66ish
A British Ferry official
A French Ferry official
(The Ferry Officials could be played by the same person and could be male or female)
Post Office female employee – 65ish but a bit doddery for her age
AA man - could be played by the actor who plays the Ferry officials (if male)
The ferry officials and the AA man could be any age and could be covered by one or two actors only.
Act 1
The opening action takes place in Kent, outdoors, ending in Dover. It is Summer 1990. Colin arrives at Frank's door in his new car – he gets out and knocks. The car is simulated by the passengers and driver walking along together as if they were in one. The passengers stand up and the car's motion is to be made by the driver and passengers walking along, The driver, Colin, holds the steering wheel when he is in the car.
The men are dressed for a day out in France on a 'date'. The secondary reason is a booze cruise.
Colin: Come along Frank you sleepy devil, I know it's early but you should have been ready on time. We've got to pick up Jean and Beryl yet and we mustn't be late for the ferry. You remember that this is a blind date don't you? I know how forgetful you can be! I met Jean at the over 60's club and we talked about this, Beryl is a friend of hers.
Frank: Ok , just coming. Your new car looks great, (sceptical sideways glance to audience) how does it feel?
Colin and Frank get in the 'car' in the front – it sets off
Colin: It's really good, nice and comfortable and it's a really smooth ride (another sceptical glance from Frank).
Frank: I hope these two girls are ok Colin. It's a bit of a big step for our first date with them to be a day out in Boulogne! I hope they appreciate it, possibly in the normal fashion – nudge, nudge! (Nudge him) We're picking them up together aren't we?
Colin: You just wait until you see Beryl! Yes, that's right, they live near each other and she's going to walk round to Jean's. This trip, among other things (winks and nudges Frank) is a chance to give my new car a bit of a run out from Canterbury to Folkestone. I'm still running it in. It's not far to Jean's house now so we should soon be on our way.
They arrive at Jean's house. Colin gets out and knocks on the door. The two other passengers enter
Colin: Hallo Jean, Beryl, nice to meet you again. Come on then, let's jump in and get on our way.
Jean: Hi, you're nice and prompt. It's really good of you to ask us on this trip, we're looking forward to it aren't we?
Beryl: Yes Jean, it's really nice to meet you again, Colin. (polite shaking of hands. They all get in the car. Jean and Beryl in the back.
Frank: Morning ladies, oh yes, you must be Beryl (turning to her, shaking her hand) Very pleased to meet you, I hope we all have a lovely day. (He gives Colin a surreptitious nod and 'hidden' thumbs up)
Beryl: It's lovely to meet you too Frank
Jean: I say, what a super new car (sceptical glance).
Colin: Yes, it's the latest Ford Sierra, 1990 model with lots of extras.
The car sets off, the four having quiet chat - music or sound effects.
Colin: Listen everyone, I should have checked before we left but we do all have our passports with us, yes?
Jean: No, I'm sorry Colin, I haven't brought mine, we don’t need them do we. We’re all Europeans now.
Colin: We definitely do I'm afraid, those Europeans still want to see our details.
Beryl: I've got mine!
Jean: I'm terribly sorry, I know it's a pain but have we got time to pop back to my house so I can quickly grab it?
Colin (looking exasperated): Oh dear! It will be ever so tight. I did leave a bit of leeway in the timing so we should be just about ok. I'll turn around as soon as I can and whiz back.
The car turns round and goes back, car soundtrack and exasperated looks by Beryl at Jean. On arrival, Jean jumps exits, then enters waving passport. Off they go again.
Jean: I'm so sorry again Colin, I hope we'll be alright for our ferry.
Colin: I'll do my best, we'll probably be ok. Let's hope we don't have any more hiccups!
Walk around the stage - music or car sound – Frank trying to 'chat up' Beryl. Lights down – then up, a Folkestone sign is up. Stop at the back of the stage, facing front.
Colin: I hate queuing, especially at car ferries, looks like there's only another ten cars or so in front of us. We'll soon be on board!
Shuffle forward bit by bit talking quietly until they meet the official, hand over tickets and passports.
Ferry official: I’m sorry sir, but one of you won't be able to travel. This passport's four months out of date.
Colin: Oh no! (Takes passports and tickets back) Let me see who's it is. It's Jean's I'm afraid! (All give exasperated sighs and look at Jean)
Colin (to official): What can we do now?
Ferry official: Well sir, you've got half an hour before we leave, there is a post office about a mile from here, straight down the main road on the right, you may be able to get one of those one day jobs and, just possibly, be back here in time
Colin: I suppose you can't hold the ferry for us?
Ferry official: No chance mate! You should have checked your passports before you left!
(More glances at Jean)
Colin: Right, Ok, thanks. We'll be back as soon as we can.
(Car reverses, turns and heads back)
Beryl: You are a silly goose Jean, why didn't you check it?
Jean (whining): I didn't actually think I'd need it! Bloody Europe!
Beryl: Language!
Colin: Here we are!
Pull up outside small Post Office/sweet shop. They rush in. An 'old dear' appears 'behind' the counter. She is slow!
Old dear: Yes dear, can I help you?
Jean: I need a one day passport please. Have you got a photo booth?
Old dear: Yes dear, just over there (indicates). I'll have a look for the form. (the men look exasperated, studying watches) Ah, here it is, fill it in and let me have it back with your photo.
Jean at photo booth, looks in the mirror, pats hair in place, reaches for make up/lipstick from handbag
Colin: Come along Jean, we haven't got time for all that, just go in and get the photo done!
Jean gives withering look, steps into the booth. Emerges shortly with photos, takes and completes the form, hands it to old dear
Jean: Here you are, the photo's with it.
Beryl: Let's have a quick look at the photo. (Snatches it, starts sniggering)
Jean (snatching it back): Stop messing about, don't forget we're in a hurry! (Hands it all to old dear)
Old dear (slowly): That all seems in order. Now, where did I put my stamp? I had it a month ago when someone came in for a passport but I haven't seen it since. (Searches and eventually finds it while all look anxiously and check watches. She stamps the form) There you are dear, all done!
Jean grabs the passport, they rush out and get back in the car. It takes off at speed to the terminal
Frank: Come along Colin, faster! We might just catch it!
Colin: I can't go too fast yet, this car is only running in, I've done nowhere near a thousand miles yet although all the messing about this morning has added more than I would have liked!
They arrive
Beryl: Oh no! There it is …... about 200 yards out at sea. I said you're a silly goose Jean and I stand by it! I'm fed up now. (Frank tries to console Beryl)
Jean: Hang on a minute Beryl, if you hadn't played sill buggers with my photo we might have just caught it!
Frank: What are we going to do now?
Colin: I'll ask the ferry bloke if there's another one and if we can get on it with these tickets.
Colin: Excuse me.
Ferry official: Yes sir?
Colin: We've missed it I'm afraid. Is there another ferry from here to Boulogne today?
Ferry official: Yes, but the next one from here isn't until 5 o'clock this afternoon. (Pause) Hang on though, there is one at 11.30 . It goes from Dover so you might just catch it if you hurry.
Colin: Thank you. What a pain! We'd better give it a try though. We should just about have time if I step on it. I'm still worried about the car and running it in though.
Jean: Don't worry about that, put your foot down as hard as you can. I reckon this running in business is all a con anyway, I never bother.
Beryl: I thought so, Jean. No wonder your car sounds like an old tin can on speed!
They drive to Dover – music or car sound effect - casting evil glances at Jean. Lights down – then up. They arrive at Dover Ferry port (there is a sign) – the boat is still there.
Frank: There it is, let's see if we can get on it with these tickets.
Colin: Ok, I'll go and ask.
Exits with the tickets
Frank: I bet he has to buy new tickets. I'm sorry ladies but this isn't turning out quite as we expected, still, I'm a 'glass half full' type of chap I'm sure we'll still have a lovely day when we get across the water. Have you been to Boulogne before, Beryl?
Beryl: No I haven't, I'm really looking forward to it, have you been?
Frank: Yes, I've been a couple of times, it's a great place. What about you Jean?
Jean: Yes I have, I came a couple of times back in the late sixties, I had a friend who used to live in Omer which is quite nearby and I used to visit her.
Frank: Omer, eh! That's where the supermarche is now. We're really hoping to double this trip up as a sort of booze cruise and top up supplies for when we get back to Blighty! I hope that's all ok with you two!
Jean: Oh yes, that would be great! We could get some stuff as well couldn't we?