Take Some Time to Discuss and Practice These Skills with Your Child. Just the Fact That

In our world today of two working parents, crowded classrooms and many children living in two households, children often become “street smart” without becoming “heart smart.” They may know how to use a microwave and DVD player but they might not know how to calm themselves down when they are frustrated. They may know how to use a smart phone and an I-pad but they don’t know how to deal with sadness, loss, disappointment and stress. Children with a low frustration tolerance are at a greater risk for substance abuse because they are in greater need of an escape, a quick fix, something to help them cope. Those children who are competent at nurturing themselves and caring for themselves on the “inside” and who feel confident in their ability to do so are less likely to turn to alcohol, drugs or develop eating disorders, depression or anxiety problems. If children can identify and accept their feelings, they are better able to verbalize their needs and to have them met in an acceptable manner instead of acting them out dangerously or disruptively.

Take some time to discuss and practice these skills with your child. Just the fact that you are taking time to see how they are doing will send them a clear message that you are a caring adult they can talk to if things get overwhelming.

Feelings- Teach your child that all feelings are ok. But it is how you deal with your feelings that might not be ok. For example, a child having a temper tantrum in the middle of the supermarket because he can’t get the sugary cereal he wants is not ok. Acknowledge that it is ok to feel disappointed that he can’t get the cereal he wants. Encourage him to cope with this disappointment by taking three deep breaths, counting to 10, think about something that he is looking forward to, or give him a job to find another item in the next aisle. These strategies will help to distract him from the disappointment and calm himself down. Remind him that yes, he feels very angry now but he will fell better soon.

Adjusting your attitude- Seeing the glass as half full as opposed to half empty is an extremely valuable skill you can teach your child. Encourage your child to see the positive in every situation, even if it feels impossible.

“Yes, it is raining on your birthday pool party but we can still have friends over, play games inside and have fun.”

“Yes, you did not get chosen for the school team but you can still play on the intramural team, play for fun with friends in the park, or in the neighborhood.”

“Yes, you did not do as well on that test as you would have liked but there will be other tests that you can prepare better for and do well.”

Arguing with the coach about why your child wasn’t chosen or arguing with the teacher about your child’s grade will show your child that you expect things in your child’s life to go smoothly and perfectly all of the time. That’s just not realistic. Teaching your child that sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way you hope or expect and we need to look at what good things can come from a less than favorable situation and that we all must figure out ways to cope with those times will be much more beneficial and helpful.

Take care of yourself- Allowing yourself to be imperfect is a gift you can give to yourself and teach your child. Everything does not have to be done immediately and to perfection. Take tasks one step at a time to prevent getting stressed out. Teach your child to do that when managing long term school projects. Teach them to plan ahead using a calendar. Slow and steady wins the race and keeps you calm, physically and emotionally well.

Give yourself a break- And if your child is showing signs of stress (not eating well, losing sleep, moody) give them a break. Take some time to be unscheduled. Decide to take a season off from playing a sport, taking dance class, or participating in cub scouts. You will find you use that time to play board games, play outside, build with Legos or just sit and talk or watch a movie together. This will be hardest for the adults to be “unplanned” but it will be worth it. Also, find what works for your child in matters of calming themselves down if they get stressed or anxious. Do they like to take long bubble baths, take walks around the neighborhood, go for a bike ride, take a nap, or go for a run? Figure out what works for them and remind them to try it when you see they need to give themselves a break.