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Substance & Style #1: Practical techniques and “rules of thumb” (editing your draft)
One of the primary goals of your essay is to highlight an argument that you develop from your close reading of a given text. You might think of your paper as “show and tell”: you tell not just what you think an author says, nor that it is said, but rather you show how you derive your argument and supporting claims from the text. (Samples are from student work.)
“Blaming” the text:
Rather than stating a generalization and then indicating that the text happens to illustrate it, reverse the priority to “blame” the text. (This can apply both to your overall thesis and to individualassertions in the body.)
Example:
“The concept of nature cannot be defied. When an attempt is made to do so, self-destruction results. In King Lear, nature plays such a role.” {Sounds like the text just happens to fit a general claim.}
Revision: “The role of nature in Shakespeare's King Lear leads us to understand that attempts to defy nature end in self-destruction …”
reversing the order can:
1. help you to think critically (After all, much of what we take as “general knowledge” comes from interpretation in the first place.)
2. show how you derive your argument (and generalizations) from your interpretation of the text (not from “life,” “lecture,” “general knowledge,” or “clichés”)
3. avoid generalizations that can't be supported with textual evidence
4. focus your attention and your reader’s on your argument
Substantiating claims & pinning things down:
Your thesis will require you to make various general claims throughout your essay, but your paper will be more persuasive if supported with textual evidence that is adequately explained in relation to your claims. Convince your reader that your interpretation is the most persuasive.
Example: In his poems Donne describes a woman as an angel and says that she provides “A heaven like Mahomet’s Paradise” and that bed is “loves hallowed temple.” Donne seems to be telling us that sex is a religious experience.
Revision: Donne describes a woman as an angel, and his bed as “love’s hallowed temple,” clearly associating sex with a spiritual realm. Adding that his lover provides “A heaven like Mahomet’s Paradise,” he equates sex with a religious experience.
plus one:
Often to substantiate claims, you will want more than one example
Example: Instead of a more egalitarian address such as “fellow citizens,” Oedipus chooses the possessive “my” to establish his superiority. This shows his pride.
Revision: Instead of a more egalitarian address such as “fellow citizens,” Oedipus chooses the possessive “my” to establish his superiority. He repeats this construction when he addresses the crowd, 'huddling at my altar,’ and 'kneeling at my feet,’ which evokes an arrogant ownership of a people he considers inferior to him.
avoid assuming citations are “self-evident.” You may know what you mean, but sometimes your reader doesn't and, as we’ve discovered, not everyone interprets things in the same way. So, be sure to adequately explain your interpretation and make the link to your assertions clear.
Example: “'Strange, / hearing you just now … my mind wandered…' Notice the tone and language.” {Here the reader is left to decide both the tone and language.}
Example: In his poems Donne describes a woman as an angel and says that she provides “A heaven like Mahomet’s Paradise” and that bed is “loves hallowed temple.” {Further explanation of “Mahomet’s Paradise” would make the equation more persuasive.}
Example: Sappho writes, “… exceeds all stars; light reaches equally over the brine sea and thick flowering-fields, a beautiful dew has poured down, roses bloom, tender parsley and blossoming honey clover.” From this quote, the reader can assume that there are many possible sexual connotations. Sappho describes the blooming and blossoming of flowers, which can be conceived as referring to sex and virginity.” {Needs further analysis and explanation to be more convincing.}
Textual evidence: selection and presentation
Ideally textual evidence is both pertinent to your thesis and productive. Show off your interpretive skills! Until (or unless) you are more familiar with textual analysis, select more “flowery” or obscure rather than “factual” passages.
Example: “When Oedipus says 'Apollo ordained my agonies' this means it was the gods who ruled his fate.”
Revision: When Oedipus claims “Apollo ordained [his] agonies,” he reminds us of the repeated references to oracles that illustrate Oedipus’s struggle is entirely beyond his will.
Example:
“Oedipus's crime is serious because it impacts Thebes.”
Revision: “The 'blight on the fresh crops,' the 'children stillborn,’ the dying women and cattle, all illustrate the devastating effects of Oedipus's crime on Thebes.”
less is more: use only what you need
Rather than citing long, unanalyzed passages to make a small point, cite only what you need.
Example: “Donne links the physical and the spiritual: ‘So must pure lovers’ souls descend / t’ affections, and to faculties, / Which sense may reach and apprehend, / Else a great prince in prison lies.’”
Revision: Donne links the physical and the spiritual when he claims, “pure lovers’ souls” must “descend” to the realm of the sensual.
incorporating Quotations (IQ)
Incorporate quotations into your own sentences, both stylistically (grammatically and concisely) and logically (embedded in your argument).
Example:
For instance, Sappho writes, “… exceeds all stars; light reaches equally over the brine sea and thick flowering-fields, a beautiful dew has poured down, roses bloom, tender parsley and blossoming honey clover.”
Revision (stylistic):
For instance, Sappho writes that her lover “exceeds all stars” adding that “light reaches equally over the brine sea and thick flowering-fields, a beautiful dew has poured down, roses bloom, tender parsley and blossoming honey clover.”
Revision (logical):
Sappho’s claim that her lover “exceeds all stars” implies not simply her lover’s general superiority. When Sappho adds, “light reaches equally over the brine sea and thick flowering-fields, a beautiful dew has poured down, roses bloom, tender parsley and blossoming honey clover,” the erotic connotations of the flowers specify her lover’s physical desirability.
Example:
The Cyclops is described as “a monster of a man … his mind was lawless … and in truth he was a monstrous wonder to behold.” This description allows the reader to imagine the giant Cyclops as a savage and anarchic creature.
Revision: (stylistic and logical)
Polyphemus is described as “a monster of a man” and as “a monstrous wonder to behold.” In addition to implying the physical horror the giant, one-eyed Cyclops inspires, he is portrayed as “lawless,” suggesting he is both savage and anarchic.
Example: (stylistic and logical)
Polyphemus’s cave flourished with enough food and drink suitable for a feast, yet he offered nothing to the men. “Baskets were there, heavy with cheese, and the pens crowded with lambs and kids.” A key element of being hospitable is feeding your guests. Clearly Polyphemus had no intention of offering them a feast, though he had plenty of food to spare.
Revision: (stylistic and logical)
Polyphemus’s cave is described as full of baskets “heavy with cheese,” and having “pens crowded with lambs and kids,” clearly containing enough food for a feast. Since a key element of being hospitable is feeding your guests and Polyphemus offers nothing, though he had plenty of food to spare, he breaches the laws of hospitality.
Development (see also “argument development” exercises and “reverse outlines”)
Logical (and other) signals or markers v. listing and plot summary:
Instead of a series of “also's,” “and’s,” “then's,” “next’s,” mostly short declarative sentences, and other types of lists, aim to develop logical connections among your claims and pieces of evidence. Consider not only what each paragraph says, but also what each does to build your argument.
“Logical links” and phrases help you
—determine the developmentyour argument (and sometimes discover it!)
—lead your reader through your argument
—provide sentence variety
—help make your writing more concise
Sample “logic words” and other signals: thus, therefore, because, since; On one hand/other hand; By contrast, similarly, nevertheless, although, Not only X but also Y; Just as X, also Y; and so on.
Pay attention to links that might be ambiguous: i.e. when, as, while, since can tend toward plot summary or paraphrase rather than building an argument. Other signals—i.e. furthermore, in addition, moreover—can tend toward listing.
Listing v. building claims
Example:
Donne uses distinctive diction and syntax in the poem to suggest that the speaker is a woman and that she wishes to control her lover. In line twelve, the speaker asserts that she would not leave “him” while they stayed in bed. Since the addressee is a “him,” this implies that the speaker is a woman because other poems indicate the Donne writes about heterosexual love. The speaker also says that the man has her “heart and honor”. The woman wants the man to know that she is not having a relationship with anyone else, but this is also an attempt to cause her lover to feel guilt so that he will not leave her. The speaker also states that the addressee is a “busied man.” The man she has just spent the night with is departing to go to work. During Donne’s time, the man worked while the woman stayed at home. The speaker is unsure of her lover’s actions outside of the home and is insecure.
Revision:
Not only is it clear that the speaker of “Break of Day” is female, this woman wants to control her lover. When the speaker addresses the lover as “him” this contrasts with numerous other poems in which the narrator addresses a woman, suggesting that Donne here writes from a female point of view. This is confirmed when the speaker claims to have given “heart and honor” to him, indicating a female insistence on commitment to her lover. Contrasting herself from her lover, the speaker not only implies that she, unlike this “busied man,” does not have to depart for work, but she also claims that, even if she did have a job, she would not leave her lover ‘s bed. Confronted with their difference, the speaker thereby reveals her insecurity, namely that she has given her love or female innocence to a man willing to leave so abruptly. Accordingly, she employs this difference as a means of inducing guilt in order to prevent him from leaving.
Repetition & Concision
Symptoms: “again,” “as before/above/earlier,” etc.
a) repeating same points in different paragraphs often indicates a need to revise the organization of your essay
b) repeating yourself in one paragraph often indicates unnecessary verbosity, and sometimes a lack of paragraph development; think about what the logical connections among your points might be. Could you provide a “logical marker” instead of a listing word like “and”?
Example:
Edmund appeals to Nature. “Thou, Nature, art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound.” He privileges Nature as a goddess. Then he asks her to revoke custom. He also asks her to create a reversal of roles. He wants the illegitimate to “top the legitimate.”
Revision:
In his appeal, “Thou, Nature, art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound,” Edmund not only privileges nature as a god, but also asks her to revoke custom in order to effect a reversal of roles so that the illegitimate, or “natural,” will “top the illegitimate,” or custom.
Sophistication & Precision:
If you find yourself repeating words such as “says,” “states,” “uses,” “suggests,” “means,” etc., try synonyms and alternate sentence constructions. The idea is not to prepare for another SAT, but to aim for more variety and more precise words to develop your claims.
Some possibilities: proclaims, declares, illustrates, connotes, implies, signifies, demonstrates, conveys, emphasizes, highlights, contrasts, distinguishes, evokes, etc.
Example: Shakespeare uses animal imagery to compare the actions of man versus the more base instincts of animals.
Revision: Shakespeare's animal imagery distinguishes the actions of man from the more base instincts of animals.
Intros. & Conclusions:
Hiding the prompt:
Although it can be useful for a first draft to restate the prompt, it is not necessary (or desirable) to reiterate it in your final draft, especially to specify what kinds of figures you are analyzing.
Example: “Through his use of diction, tone, syntax, and vivid imagery, Donne suggests that religious love is characterized by need.”
Everyone uses diction, tone, and syntax, and often imagery. Since this thesis concerns Donne’s conceptions of love (and not tone, syntax, or imagery), the first half of the sentence is unnecessary. So, unless your argument directly analyzes such devices—i.e. theses concerning Homer’s epithets, or Donne’s imagery—listing them is unnecessary.
Predicting your essay v. giving it all away:
Introductions function primarily to introduce your thesis and entice the reader they need to read you. So, there is no need to spell out the steps of your argument, only to set up or predict what you will develop in the course of your presentation. In fact the reader might decide that the first paragraph tells the whole story, so you might lose your chance to convince him or her.
Example (giving it all away):
Sappho’s poetic contrast between the obscene imagery in her portrayal of homoerotic love as compared to the nurturing and beautiful heterosexual love demonstrates her criticism of individually restrictive social traditions. {As seen in poem 8, Sappho uses graphic text in her monodies, which are written about homosexual love in order to express her personal preference for physical pleasure in a relationship over emotional unity. In contrast, Sappho writes innocent wording in her epithalamia, for example poem 54, which reflects the long standing tradition of heterosexuality and marriage in society.} { The intentional contrast between expression of public and private love in Sappho’s poetry is essentially a comment on the conventions of society at the time.}
Example (predicting):
Donne integrates physical and spiritual love by suggesting that physical love can bridge the dual nature of man and allow transcendence into the spiritual realm, but he thereby creates a paradoxical crisis that alters this position. [leaves explanation of duality and the paradoxical crisis and alteration in suspense.]
—first topic sentence: Although Donne’s love and religious poems focus on sensual and spiritual love respectively, both depend up the concept of duality.
Example (predicting):
Under the bold eroticism of her monodies and the ostensible celebration of marriage in her epithalamia, Sappho quietly warns us of eros’ bittersweet side.
Culminating v. Concluding:
Rather than summarizing what you’ve demonstrated, your “conclusion” can be simply the logical outcome of your argument.