Eric Keller
Foundations for Communicating the Gospel
Spiritual Journey of Eric Keller
As far back as I can remember I have always believed in God. When we were kids my mom would take my two sisters and me to church every Sunday. I was about five or six years old and simply figured that going to church was something that all families do on Sundays. I did not understand, nor would I until my teens, that attending church meant being a part of the body of Christ and actively participating to keep that body in motion. The first time I was ever exposed to the idea of using your life to follow God was one morning during Sunday school. The teacher told the class a story of a man in the Bible who spent is entire life following God. He explained that whatever town the man was in he always kept his eyes on the Lord. In my mind, I had envisioned a man walking through the streets of a city with his head cocked back and his eyes gazing upon a great being floating above the clouds. Though this picture may look silly to an adult, I would learn later in life that it was this child like faith I would have to accustom myself if I was to lean how to love God as he has called each one of us.
One of the first spiritual experiences that I can recall making was when I was in the fifth grade. I took a copy of the Bible to school with me to read during our “reading hour.” Some of the kids made fun of me because I was reading the Bible. I couldn’t understand why some were so offended by it and felt that they had to harass me. I still don’t. But I felt a pull to read it and wanted to know what was in there that other people seemed to fear. I made a decision to keep the Book at school regardless of what others thought of me. I did not want other people’s opinions of me to affect how I would choose to direct my interests. Although taking the Bible to school may have been a sincere act of faith, I had yet to learn what accepting God on faith was.
By the time I entered high school I was an active member of my church’s youth group and felt that I had come to know God. However, an event at a Westminster Woods, a Christian campground, during the summer of 1985 proved that knowing God did not mean having a relationship with God. A speaker explained how God sent his son in order to reconcile us to himself. He described the process of how God, through Christ his son, had given himself in death that I may not die but have a personal relationship with him. I was overwhelmed by Christ’s altruism and sacrifice for a people who constantly betrayed him. I felt a connection with Jesus, a man who had experienced abandonment and loneliness as I had. I realized that night that it was not me who knew God it was God who knows me! To this day, no event has moved me more than realizing that night that I can have a personal relationship with the very Creator whom, that evening, I had accepted as my savior.
Following that summer I participated heavily in my church’s youth ministry and at Westminster Woods. Volunteering with the youth group was much more than making a decision to follow Christ. It was a public affirmation and commitment in action. I played an active role in providing guidance and leadership for the youth in my church. During the summer I did the same while experiencing the challenge and love of God in the camping environment Westminster Woods offered. I also took speech and guitar lessons in junior college to contribute more to the programs in which I was involved. While these actions were in response to a decision to follow Christ, I would later experience the challenge of making a true sacrifice to commit myself to the ministry as God had called me.
The same summer that I accepted Christ I had also made the decision that I would enter into a career in the ministry. So when I graduated high school I began working toward a bachelor’s degree in Psychology. I was not interested in getting a minor for my college experience was intended as simply a stepping stone into seminary. While I attended the university I met another student and we entered into a very serious relationship. She was an older woman who had already received her bachelor’s degree and was studying for a master’s in psychology. Her view of religion and behavior challenged my view of God and grace. As quickly as we had gotten together we began to grow apart. Our relationship had a strong physical component and when it ended I felt too much a hypocrite to enter seminary. I had begun to consider that perhaps I was not good enough for the ministry.
After weeks of wrestling with the decision of whether or not I should follow my ambitions for a pastoral career, I began to realize something about where I was in life verses where God wanted me. My eyes were slowly opened to the fact that perhaps God had not called me to serve him as I had wanted him to. I discovered that I had to make a decision as to whether I wanted to be a minister because it felt like a good thing to do or because I was willing to be committed to God regardless of the challenges I would have to face. I will always remember an overwhelming sense that God would keep his promise to never forsake me even though I knew I would often let him down. Once I realized this, I became determined to answer his calling regardless of the challenges I may face. For the first time since I had accepted Christ, my desire to serve him had become a commitment.
In the summer of 1995 I packed up my car and headed to Texas where I had been accepted as a student at Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary. It was an exciting time for me as this was the moment I had looked forward to for ten years. Being a student at Austin Seminary was a culmination of all my life’s ambitions and I could think of nowhere else that I wanted to be. The first semester was a time of making new friends, getting settled in a new environment and becoming the man that I believed God had called me to be. However, my time in Austin would be cut short and I would experience the greatest need for God that I had ever felt.
When I flew home to visit over Christmas I brought an empty suitcase with the intent of packing the rest of my belongings before flying back to school. Unfortunately, it turned out that I would stay in California much longer than the two weeks for which I had allotted. An emergency arose within my family that required me to remain in California. Not so ironically, I had studied the doctrine of providence while I was in Austin. The ideology had rooted itself in my faith while I studied and now it appeared that I would be challenged to accept God’s active participation in my life regardless of whether or not I wanted it or liked it. Although I knew God had a reason, I felt an intense anger toward life that events in California would keep me from continuing with my education in Texas.
It hurt me down to my soul that my education would continue without me. Even though I placed myself in God’s hands accepting that there was a reason for this unexpected turn of events, I could not stop the anger from growing within. In fact, I had learned to embrace my anger for as long as I was angry I could not hurt. However, looking back with hindsight, I can see now that God was proving to me again, that I would have to rely on his promise to provide for me by keeping my life focused on him. One day God brought me an angel to point out the fact I had not been focusing on him for my strength.
On what was yet another day in my miserable life I stopped at a McDonald’s to grab a Big Mac on my way to a restaurant job I had found until matters were settled. While I was there waiting for my meal a group of teenaged girls came into the restaurant. One girl’s face, after recognizing me, lit up and she skipped over to greet me with a hug. She had been one of the athletes on a cross country team I helped coach at a high school the year before I left for seminary. She said to me, “I want you to know that I am running track this year because of you.” I had no idea what she meant so I asked her to explain. She informed me of how she struggled with her abilities as a runner. She was lanky and did not fit the mold of your average high school athlete. She expressed appreciation for the fact that I, while having the ability to run with the top runners, would stay behind and sometimes run with her during practice encouraging her to excel. She had not intended to run again after the season I had coached. But my actions inspired her to continue with running in an effort to challenge herself. I realized then that God had worked through me without even my knowledge! But he would never work through me again as long as I worshipped my anger over him. Suddenly, I could feel my anger let go and my heart was released of its burden allowing itself to open up once again to the love the Spirit offered.
From that point on my life and how I accepted God’s presence changed dramatically. For one, I remained an active member in my church participating in various ministries including leading a small Bible study. The Bible study was such a close knit group that I married one woman and asked another two men to be my best man and a groomsman. I quit the restaurant after being offered a promising job at Hewlett Packard. Furthermore, my wife and I bought a house and settled in our hometown of Roseville. A few more years passed and my family had completely worked through its misfortune. Before settling down, I had always believed I would go back to seminary when family matters improved. But my wife and I had become deeply involved in our church and we both had budding careers. I continued to consider a full time career with Hewlett Packard yet, the longer I worked at the company, the more unhappy I became. I soon realized that God had begun to call me back into seminary. Knowing that returning to school would now be a much greater financial hardship, I trusted that God would provide as he had so proven the past few years. I quit my position to the shock of many family and friends and enrolled in Fuller Theological Seminary. My faith was rewarded with a part time job within Hewlett Packard that was offered just a few weeks before classes began.
God never straightforwardly answered my questions as to why he called me back home to stay. I have tried to stop thinking of what might have been. I have learned that he is not interested in showing us how our lives may have turned out if things had gone a different direction or if alternate decisions had been made. I think if I was to focus on the “what might have’s” I would have missed the opportunities to experience what God had waiting for me in California. As a result, I have discovered a new aspect of being committed to God. It often means accepting that God may move in our lives in ways we don’t understand or want him to. For there are times when God doesn’t desire for us to seek explanations right away or even at all. My journey has shown me that if we focus on life’s alterations too much we will miss the opportunities which can only be brought through change.
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