Ur my bff: Friendship and Judaism in the 21st Century

Hanegev Spring Convention 2010

Materials Prepared by Amy Dorsch, USY Education Coordinator

Sicha 1: How We Get Along…Through Song!

The Jewish Perspective on Friendship, Faithfulness and Loyalty

Goals:

  • USYers will define true friendship and explore the components true friendship such as loyalty, faithfulness and trust through pop songs and Jewish text.
  • USYers will apply these ideas to real life situations and “dilemmas in friendship.”

Materials:

  • Copies of Ve’ahavta L’reyecha sourcebook (or copies of pages as handouts)
  • Songs (attached) and Corresponding Sourcebook pages:

Lean on Me, With A Little Help From My Friends, Help! I Need Somebody: Pages 7 and 23, Kohelet (Ecclesiastes) 4:12, 4:9-10

  • Jewish texts that illustrate loyalty and faithfulness:

David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi- pages 31, 32, 33

Scenario 1 on page 30 of sourcebook

  • For fun: pages 23 and 34 of sourcebook

Step 1: Create an Experience

Ask for 5 volunteers to stand up (varying in body size). Pull them aside and ask them to create a human pyramid of 3 on bottom, 2 in middle and 1 on top.

As the pyramid shakes, explain to the group that this pyramid symbolizes components of true friendship, that although friendship can be shaky, if it has a good foundation, it can remain in tact.

Ask:

  • Point to the three people on the bottom: What qualities or character traits would you label as the “base”of friendship, the foundation that all quality friendship finds its roots? Give examples of this trait in action.
  • What is secondary but still important (the 2 people)? Give examples
  • Finally, what is at the top of the pyramid, important but not central? Give examples.

Step 2: Discuss the experience

Ask: What were to happen if you were to remove the top piece (the pyramid would not really be affected). Ask the top person to try and come down

What would happen if you were to remove a piece of the base (one of the core characteristics of true friendship)?!?Don’t even attempt to remove anyone from the base- it’s dangerous but proves your point!

Step 3: Introduce Concept

Explain: A pyramid illustrates a concept by level of importance with the base being the core component of the concept and other ideas lessening in importance as the pyramid reaches its apex. There are certain qualities that are the base of all friendship although we often find ourselves putting more time and effort into friendships rooted in characteristics of less importance. We’re going to examine the definition of true friendship, the kind we all want to have and strive to be and read some examples of how Judaism exemplifies these types of friendship.

Step 4: Teach/Learn the concepts

Expain: Since we’re discussing friendship today, everyone grab a buddy (chevruta). Hand out lyrics of the 3 songs and pages 7 and 23 from Sourcebook: Lean on Me, I Get By With a Little Help from my Friends and Help! I Need Somebody.

Instructions:

1. In your pairs, read the lyrics to the songs (note the bolded text as important to the discussion) and the Jewish texts from Kohelet.

2. As a pair, discuss how one relates to the other. How is the Jewish text reflected in our pop songs? How do these texts (both songs and Jewish text) exemplify and define real, true friendship? Share your own experiences that may explain your feelings.

3. Hand out pages 31-33 of the sourcebook as examples of true friendship in the bible: Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan.

4. Assign half of the pairs to read the David and Jonathan story and the other half to read the Ruth and Naomi story. Explain: one of these stories is an example of girl power and love and loyalty between girl friends and the other is an example of a “bro-mance” (some Jewish scholars interpret this story as that literally- a romance between men!).

Ask the groups to read their stories and discuss whether this is a good example of the truest form of friendship and why. Which songs relate to these stories?

Why is the friendship between women so special? Why is the friendship between males so special? As we move into the dating world, why is it important to remain true to friends of the same sex or non-romantic relationships?

Step 5: Practice learned concepts with an activity

Ruth and Naomi or David and Jonathan are examples of the loyalty and faithfulness between biblical friends. What about your own experiences of true friendship?

Instruction: Group together with a second chevruta pair to form a group of four.Instructions for activity: In your group, come up with a realistic scenario (it should be one that happened to a member of your group so it can be true to life) that illustrates a dilemma or obstacle to true friendship and what explain what could prevent or solve this problem using the examples discussed in your original pairs. Present your scenario and how you would solve it.

Example: Read Scenario 1 on page 30 of Sourcebook and ask for solutions to the dilemma (questions are provided below the scenario). What characteristics of true friendship are missing from this situation? How would it be different if these friends had behaved with character traits exhibited by Ruth, Naomi, David and Jonathan or described in the Kohelet texts?

Give them time to come up with their scenarios.

Step 6: Present the learned material

Following each presentation discuss:

  • What are the issues at hand here? Why is the answer not so black and white? Have you ever thought someone was your friend until a situation such as any of these?
  • What constitutes the actions of a true friend? What would exemplify an artificial friend or a friend at top of the pyramid? Why is it often so difficult to decipher between true friends and artificial ones until we get hurt?
  • Would someone still be a true friend if they acted or behaved this way? How can we distinguish between our true friends who make mistakes and are worth being forgiven, and friends who aren’t really our friends and should not be worth our time?
  • How can you apply the Kohelet texts or the biblical friendships we talked about to these scenarios (support, loyalty, faithfulness, integrity, honesty)

Step 8: Final thoughts:

Friendship is incredibly complicated. Someone can be your best friend one instant and turn on you the next. A skill to learn is how to distinguish between the Ruth and Naomi type of friends, the friends that offer a little help to get you by” or to “lean on,” and the friends who may create dilemmas and painful situations for you.

Wrap up activity/taking it home: Close your eyes. Picture a bookshelf in your head. Decide which people in your life would be placed on the top shelf- the most loyal or faithful to you and why you would put them there.

Next, picture the next shelf- friends who are good friends but may not be so reliable or loyal but still fun to be with.

On the third shelf or bottom shelf, picture the kind of people in your life who would have been at the top of your pyramid, people you know and may associate with or be friendly with but wouldn’t call them up to hang out or share information.

Summary: many people will come and go from your life. A life full of friends is a rich life but only if you are able to define quality versus quantity. To know what defines a good friend will help you seek people who will be there to lean on and not put you in difficult dilemmas or painful situations. On the other hand, maybe it takes these bottom shelf friends to recognize the qualities of “top shelf” true friendship.

For fun: What kind of friend are you?

Quiz activities on pages 23 and 34 of sourcebook

Song 1: Lean on Me

Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Song 2: With a Little Help from My Friends

The Beatles

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends, Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get by with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Ooh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends

Song 3: Help! I Need Somebody

The Beatles

Help! I need somebody.
Help! Not just anybody.
Help! You know I need someone.
Help!
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, please help me?
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways, my independence seems to vanish in the haze. But every now and then I feel so insecure, I know that I just need you like I've never done before.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, please help me?
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone I'm not so self assured,
Now I find
I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, please help me?
Help me. Help me, oooh.

Sicha 2: Friendship in the Digital World

Goals:

  • USYers will recap the previous session discussion on true friendship and tie these concepts in with “real” vs. artificial socializing through digital media.
  • USYers will discuss the dangers and possibilities of online communities and friendships using Jewish concepts of Shmirat Halashon, Lashon Hara and “Shmirat Ha’etzba’ot”

Core Questions:

  • Who are your real friends and who are your friends on a superficial level? Recalling the “shelves” analogy from last session
  • How has friendship changed since the digital revolution of online interaction and social networking? Authentic vs. artificial friendship in the digital world, creating digital communities of friendship vs a face-to-face social circle
  • Is what you “see” really what you “get” with digital friendship and how can we both expand our social networks to find communities of “like others” while protecting ourselves?

Materials:

Pages from sourcebook:

Page 10- “Connecting Online”

Page 85 (Shmot 23:7)

Pages 94 and 95

Pages 158-159

Step 1: Trigger

Simulate “Facebook” features in real life by asking for volunteers to come up and apply the features of Facebook to actual people.

  • Poke- stand up and poke someone in the shoulder with your finger
  • “send” a gift- hand over an object so it is in another’s possession
  • Comment on someone’s status -tell someone you’re excited about his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend
  • Invite to an event- (pretend to call or hand someone an invitation) tell them about your party
  • Chat- have a conversation with a friend

Step 2: Discussion

  • Was it weird, silly or awkward for you to apply Facebook features to real life?
  • How much time do you spend with your friends face-to-face? What is the difference between chatting with someone face-to-face as you did just now and chatting with a person behind a user name?
  • Is socializing on social networking sites really socializing?

Brief recap from previous session:

  • Recall from the “shelf” activity we did at the end of last session. Who are your real friends and who are your friends on a superficial level?
  • Given that we all have friends of varying degrees, how has friendship and these different degrees changed since the digital revolution of online interaction and social networking? Authentic vs. artificial friendship in the digital world , creating digital communities of friendship vs. a face-to-face social circle
  • Is what you “see” really what you “get” with digital friendship and how can we both expand our social networks to find communities of “like others” while protecting ourselves?

Explain: 89% of Youth today have a profile on a social networking site and spend more time online then they interact in any other way. Instead of hanging out with friends after school, they “hang out” with friends online.

Taking Inventory: a Poll of Social Networking membership

  • What sites do you belong to?
  • How much time do you spend “socializing” online (includes gchat, MSN, any chat room)
  • How do you find friends in “real life?” How do you find friends online? What is the difference between the friends you see and the friends you communicate with online? Can they be friends on the same level if you don’t see them face-to-face?
  • What are the dangers of befriending people online? What are the possibilities or highlights of having online friends?
  • How can you distinguish between superficial or artificial friendship online and real friendship? Is “what you see”, necessarily “what you get”?

Step 3: Teach Concept

Hand out pages 10, 85 of sourcebook

Read second half of page 10 and discuss the questions on “connecting online.”

What are the dangers of “connecting” with friends online? It’s hard enough to decipher between real and artificial friendships in person, how do you know what’s real online and what problems could arise from not really “knowing” those in your online community?

Gossip and Guarding Your Tongue- Lashon Hara and Shmirat Halashon

Explain: When you don’t truly know everyone in your different online communities, it is often hard to remember that they’re actual people and the power at your fingertips by pressing “send.”

Read Shmot 27:3 quote on page 85 of sourcebook and the paragraphs that follow on gossip.

  • How can you apply this to online friendships and digital communication?
  • Why is online communication more dangerous than what you say to your friends in the bathroom at school?

Explain core concepts:

Shmirat Halashon- Guarding Your Tongue

Share this quote with the group:

Proverbs/Mishlei 18:21: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”

What does this mean and what does it teach us?

Explain: Shmirat Halashon is the mitzvah of guarding your tongue or watching what you say. Nowadays, we communicate more online than we do in person,generating the need for a new term- Shmirat Ha’etzba’ot or guarding your fingers.

Read and discuss the second half of page 94 of sourcebook.