‘Can’t Stop Acting’
Episode one
The Lime Light
By
Michael Mortimer
Flat 2, 8 Wenlock Terrace, Fulford, York
YO10 4DU
07896170485
FADE IN:
SCENE1.INT/EXT.MONTAGE.DAY
JASON SINGING ON KARAOKE
JESS STARING INTO THE SKY
JOHNSON ‘POSH’BODY POPPING
NARRATOR :( V.O.)
Jason, Jessica and Johnson all have Limelightism, a rare condition that compels them to seek out fame and attention in any possible way.
JASON PERFORMING IN HIS LIVING ROOM TO HIS FAMILY
NARRATOR :( V.O)
Sufferers of Limelightism often act in an over-theatrical and exuberant way even in the most formal and uneventful of everyday situations.
JESS LOUDLY SINGING ON A PACKED BUS
JASON DOING A HEADSTAND (BADLY) AT A BUS STOP - COINS FALL OUT OF HIS POCKET
JASON :(To Himself)
My bad!!
CONT…
JOHNSON READING A SCRIPT WITH HIS GRANDMA (BADLY)
NARRATOR: (V.O)
This condition means that they act boisterously, constantly seeking the attention of others.
JASON GESTURING A 'HIGH-FIVE' TO A POLICEMAN - THE ACT IS UN-RECIPROCAL
NARRATOR: (V.O)
If left to their own devices each of them could perform themselves to death.
JASON DANCING WILDLY ON A PUB STAGE
JESS TRYING TO IRISH DANCE
NARRATOR :( V.O)
Can Jason, Jessica and Johnson become the stars they want to be? Or will the dark reality of showbiziness prove too much of a challenge?
This is their story!
FADE IN:
SCENE 2. INT. JASON'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
JASON IS PACKING A BAG FOR HIS SHOW AT THE WORKING MENS CLUB
JASON:
So tonight is my monthly residency at Batley Men's. The G’s down there are all pretty laid back so I just drop in a few classics and they're happy.
…I'm doing (sings) "I see your true colours” so looking forward to that love.
INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
Do you think that your show tonight could lead onto bigger and better things Jason?
JASON:
Err…I think; only the gods of opportunity and chance know that. Maybe the god of fate knows a bit too.
…Is there any other gods?
My motto in life is, ‘If you wanna be somebody and you wanna go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention’.
INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
Is that a motto you came up with Jason?
JASON:
Yep. Well no…I do live by it though.
CONT…
INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
Whose motto is it?
JASON:
Whoopi Goldberg’s from ‘Sister Act 2, Back in the Habit’.
FADE IN:
SCENE 3.INT.GRANDMA'S LIVING ROOM.DAY
NARRATOR: (V.O)
Johnson is reading through a script with his Grandma
JOHNSON:
Listen you little bitch. Don't play around with the Santana brothers. This is your first and final warning. Pay up or you'll be in trouble you little...
GRANDMA:
I’m not listening to you, you dick splash. I'm sick of your gang driving kind folk like us out of business. Today, we make a stand!
GRANDMA SMACKS JOHNSON ROUND THE FACE.
JOHNSON:
For Pete's sake grandma! That’s not scripted. What if I had a face audition coming up? I can’tturn up with black eyes or bruised testicles? I would have to say I was mugged by black people or something.
[To Crew] More believable me saying black people. You hardly get them round here. So, it would be more believable to the Police…or the ‘Fuzz’if you like. Pigs as well. Yeah pigs.
I'm not saying all black people attack without warning, but, a hefty percentage do... I've heard anyway. I’m not a racist. I like loads of black things. Erm…socks, T-shirts, coal, black coffee and two brown sugars, loads. So…right, what’s next?
FADE IN:
SCENE 4.INT.JOHNSON’S KITCHEN.DAY.
[TALKING HEAD]
JOHNSON:
I see grandma as my wing man. She is my Goose and I am her Top…Gun, her Tom Cruise. Meaning, She see's what Ican’t, tells me where I'm going wrong and will shoot down anyone who stands in my way. Even innocent civilians. Children. The lot.
She once shot a lost Nazi paratrooper in World War 2. Shot him in a field. Shot him right in the head.She also shot one of his arms off. Don’t know why she did that.
…Sadly, it turned out to be the neighbour’s elderly uncleon his way to a fancy dress party in the next town. Never saw it coming.
In grandma’s defence, she hated him.
FADE IN:
SCENE 5.INT.DANCE STUDIO.DAY
JESS IS IN PRACTICE WITH HER DANCE TROOP. SHE IS A VERY POOR DANCER
JESS: (V.O)
Whenever I'm in free flow I come alive. The condition that is Limelightism drives me to my ultimate goal of super stardom. Some of the other dancers say my feet are too massive, but, that’s just the side effects of the orange pills.
My mum says that my huge feet are a bonus, and if I wanted to be, then I could be the world’s greatest balancer.
SCENE 6.INT.JESS' BEDROOM.DAY
[TALKING HEAD]
JESS IS BEING INTERVIEWED ABOUT FAME AND FORTUNE
JESS:
[To Someone off Camera] Can someone peel my orange?
Is orange a vegetable? Katie ask me and I didn't know.
When I was smaller, people around me looked bigger. But now, everyone is equal. Well, apart from children, Dwarfs, dogs, cats and hobbits. Oh and guinepigs. They’reall weird things aren’t they?
See, I don't feel like I'm an equal. I'm betterthanequal. I’m about three quarters better then most people. I'm better than Barbara at the chippy or Susan on the checkout.
…Yeah my mum likes it on the checkout, but it's not for me.
I want to dance. I would dance on my grandma's grave to get what I want... and with mucky shoes on... not with dog shit shoes though. She wouldn't like that.
…the sad thing is, is that she isn’t even dead yet. Keeps hanging on.
FADE IN:
SCENE 7.INT. JASON'S KITCHEN.DAY
JASON IS WALKING AROUND THE KITCHEN IN A SILKY DRESSING GOWN AND FLUFFY SLIPPERS
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Jason is reflecting on last night’s performance. He has had some good news about an audition in London.
JASON:
[Singing]'I’m bloody great. I want the world to know, that I'm flipping great.God, my head feels like it’s been gang banged by an amateur rugby league team.
Wasn’t the show last night amazing? It was a shame that some people had to leave early though. I do know for a fact that they left cos they were star struck. But, I’m just a normal person. I’m still one of them. Down to earth and that. Well, I say that. There area lot of freaks and dregs that go in the club. Some reek of crap too.
INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
I hear that you’ve had some news about an audition in London?
JASON: (Screams)
Yes I have baby cakes. Baby snakes. (Singing) Today this could be, the greatest day of my life. What a great chance for Jason. I’ve made it. I’ve really made it now.
CONT…
JASON (CONT’D)
I haven’t felt like this in ages. I feel wonderful. I feel likeI’m 13 years old again, living back in my She-Ra, Secret of the Sword Wendy house.
Yeah, I actually lived in a Wendy house…..granted my dad did make me cos he said;I should know what its like to run my own house. Said,I didn't have a clue about bills and water rates.
He set fire to it in the end and did a wee on it. The sad thing is, is that, I wasn't even insured.
JASON’S DAD ENTERS
JASON:
Hiya dad. Wanna cup a tea? That’s a nice dressing gown… Did you find it in a bin or summat?
Oh I’m funny me.
I've got an audition dad. You’re looking at the next Steven Seagal. For the honour of Grayskull! I am She-Ra!
JASON PICKS UP A COUPLE OF KNIVES AND PRETENDS TO USE THEM ON AN INVISIBLE BAD GUY. DAD JUST LEAVES THE KITCHEN SHAKING HIS HEAD
CUT TO:
SCENE 8.JASON'S HOUSE.DAY
JASON'S MUM AND DAD ARE BEING INTERVIEWED ABOUT JASON'S AUDITION IN LONDON
MUM:
I think Jason going to London is...
DAD:
MENTAL! Absolutely bloody mental!
MUM:
You’re bloody mental! [Looks at the film crew] He's bloody mental. [At the dad] What you ever done anyway? Nowt! That’s what! So shut up!
DAD:
I've done stuff me. Loads of stuff. Stuff you don't know about. Stuff no one knows. Not even me.
MUM:
What like wearing your mum’s clothes when no one was in? I thought I was down a couple of bras...what an idiot.
DAD:
You’re the idiot love. I’m not the one who thought Hitler was Irish.
CONT…
INTERVIEWER :( O.S)
How do you both feel about your son travelling to a place sometimes known to be a very hostile and violent environment for a homosexual man?
DAD: [CONFUSED]
Roll back sunshine. What's all this fodder about homo's and violence? Who you saying is homosexual? Jason? Gay? My only son Jason? Homo? Sexual?
I think your duffa man, research fella needs a good hiding mate cos someone’s having a right laugh here. Say that again.
INTERVIEWER REPEATS HIMSELF
DAD: [Angry]
You stop saying gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Right! We’ll see about this.
DAD GET’S UP AND GOES TO SHOUT UP TO JASON. THE ACTION REMAINS ON THE MUM
DAD: (O.S)
[Shouting] JASON!
Have you heard what this TV bloke is saying about ya?
JASON! Get down here now! (Pause)
…he says you’re a bloody gay Lord! A Dirty oil digger! A pot hole explorer. A mole!(Pause)
He can’t be gay, he likes Top Gear.
CONT…
JASON: (O.S)
What!? I’m getting ready to go out for god sakes!
DAD: (O.S)
Get down here, I wanna ask you summat!
DAD ENTERS WITH JASON BEHIND HIM. HE’S STRAIGHT FROM THE BATH AND STILL HAS BUBBLES ON HIM, A TOWEL ROUND HIS HEAD AND WAIST. BOTH NIPPLES ARE PIERCED AND A COPY OF HEAT MAGAZINE UNDER HIS ARM
JASON:
Yeah. What?
DAD:
I’m just gunna come out with it...he says you’re a gay boy1
JASON: (Shocked)
OMG! As if! Yuk! What an insult…it’s like sayingCliff Richards gay or summat… me…gay!
I can’t be gay anyway. I like Top Gear.
DAD:
See, the lad likes Top Gear.
CUT TO:
SCENE 9.INT.GAY NIGHTCLUB. JASON.NIGHT
JASON IS WILDLY DANCING IN A PACKED GAY CLUB.THE MUSIC 'PUMP UP THE JAM' IS EXTREMELY LOUD. NO ONE CAN BE HEARD SPEAKING
JASON :( SUB-TITLED)
I'm pissed and dun't give a shit!
JASON SEE’S HIS FRIEND DANCING AND KISSING WITH A GUY. HE STOPS DANCING, STANDS AND LOOKS DISGUSTED
JASON: (SUBTITLED)
(TO FILM CREW) It’s like watching a pig molest a mouse.
THE FRIEND WALKS. SHE GOE’S TO THE TOILET. THE GUY IS LEFT WITH JASON
GUY: (SUB-TITLED)
Hiya, your friend’s nice isn’t she?
JASON: (SUB-TITLED)
She’s not interested in ya…she’s using ya.
CONT…
GUY: [SUB-TITLED]
That’s fine with me.
JASON: (SUB-TITLED)
…She’s dying…she’s got full blown AIDS.
THE GUY WALKS OFF. THE FRIEND COMES BACK AND ASK’S WHERE HE’S GONE. JASON JUST SHRUGS AND SAY’S, I THINK HE’S GONE HOMO.
FADE IN:
SCENE 15.INT.JOHNSON'S LIVING ROOM.DAY
JOHNSON IS DOING SOME LEG LUNGERS,THENFALLS OVER
NARRATOR:(V.O)
Johnson has received a job offer to take on an acting class for under privileged children in his local area. This will be the first time he has taught acting.
JOHNSON:
I'm an artist. An artist. I can remember six pages of dialogue in thirty minutes? I can draw and shade a bowl of mixed fruit in under ten minutes? Someone once said, I should be a teacher because of how brilliant I am. That's why they offered me this gig.I’m alpha dog with a top job.
I am the master of control and discipline.
CUT TO:
SCENE 16.INT.ACTING STUDIO.DAY
JOHNSONS ACTING CLASS IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.
CHILDREN ARE RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING.
JOHNSON GETS HIT WITH SHOE.
JOHNSON:
Err... so yeah, take your time when learning lines. Have the character beforehand, remember to relax and have fun with it. Be in the moment and become one with the stage and script. Good Eddy good.
OK, let’s just run around. Good idea. Let’s get warm. Well done Sarah.
CUT TO:
SCENE 17.INT.JOHNSON’S LIVING ROOM.DAY
[TALKING HEAD]
JOHNSON:
When I was younger,I was just like the teens around here. I was frustrated. I was angry. We just didn’t have much.
I do know what it's like to only get one computer game per week. To only go on three hols per year. I remember one year, we just went to the lakes for a fortnight. Disgusting I know. You can’t ski or nothing.
At our lowest point, we had to tell the cleaner’s to take the week off.
Life is difficult.I’ve lived it. I’ve hugged it. I’ve drank from the poor jug and it taste like rotting corpse.
But, don’t look back in anger, I hear you say. So…I won’t. Thank god.
FADE IN:
SCENE 18.EXT.TOWN CENTRE.DAY
NARRATOR :( V.O)
Jess is out shopping for her dance costume. Tomorrow she will perform for the chance to sign a prestigious dance contract that will take her around the world.
JESS :
Tomorrow will change my life, won’t it mum? I just know we will win, won’t we mum?I’ll have to have a big wee before I go on stage though. We can’t have a repeat of Preston can we?
Banned for three years. It’s not my fault them girls didn’t see the puddle.
JESS' MUM PICKS UP A DRESS
JESS:
Mum, are you crazy? I would look like Santa. I’m not going there to give out presents.
...Is Santa red mum?
Do you remember that dance audition in Stoke? (To Interviewer)
I had a dance audition in Stoke. Half way through I just stopped blinking. I couldn't blink anymore. I had to go apply eyes drops constantly for twelve hours. It's just one of those things I guess.
I'll just put it in the Jess files. It's rammed in the Jess files. Rammed.
SCENE 19.INT.JESS’BEDROOM.DAY
[TALKING HEAD]
JESS:
Dancing isn't a game. It's life. It's the world; it's me.
Bloody hell, that was good. Someone write that down.
OI! I said, write that down!
Mum! Write it down I said.
God.
SCENE 20.INT.JASON’S BEDROOM.NIGHT
JASON IS PACKING HIS BAGS.CLOTHING AND SEX TOYS ARE SUB-CONSICIOUSLY BEEN PACKED
INTERVIEWER: (O.S)
Are you nervous about your first audition?
JASON
Nerves as a whole on my part are less likely to be stressed than, let’s say ...a really fat man, whose nerves would be tangled up in his mucky fat and bones.
My nerves ain't big enough love. They’re really short. I do feel sorry for the fat people of this world. They all die from intense weight crushing their poor struggling hearts don’t they? So sad. But, salad wouldn’t hurt from time to time.
(Pause)
I tell ya, once you have performed on the stage and that performing bug has crawled deep down inside ya, laid all its eggs, infected all your vital organs, then there’s no going back. You are the stage marmite. Done. It’s over.
(Pause)
JASON IS SUB-CONSICIOUSLY HOLDING ONTO A DILDO
That thing with life giving you lemons thing. For me. I would just crush them into juice, drink; oh that’s nice, have another drink, bloody delicious. So what! Stupid riddles. This is mine. If life just gives you gravel, make a shitty little garden. Done.
CUT TO:
SCENE 21. INT. JASON'S BEDROOM.NIGHT
[TALKING HEAD]
JASON:
What attracts me to London? Trying to put something like that into words is like trying to fry fish in the fridge. It ain't gunna happen sister sledge. It could be the Limelightism. Who knows?
I’m not so naive to think that the streets of London are pathed with gold. Yet, how do I know? I’ve never been. For all I know, the streets could be pathed with mud, or ladders, or gammon.
I had a friend who went to London looking for that gold or gammon. He never found it though.
He’s dead now. Died from a terrible wasting disease. It’s a shame really, he made lovely scones.
…I wonder what I’m gunna be like in London?
CUT TO:
SCENE22.EXT.MONTAGE.LONDON.DAY
JASON IS HEAD TO TOE IN ‘I LOVE LONDON’CLOTHING
JASON SPINNING AROUND ON AN OPEN TOP BUS
JASON PRETENDING TO HAVE SEX WITH BIG BEN
JASON PUSHING PEOLPLE OUT OF THE WAY SO HE CAN GET TO THE GATES ATBUCKINGHAMPALACE
JASON AT MADAME TUSSUAD'S FLIRTING WITH A WAX WORK JOHNNY DEPP
FADE IN:
SCENE 23.INT.ACTING STUDIO.DAY
JOHNSON IS SAT IN A CIRCLE WITH THE CHILDREN
NARRATOR :( V.O)
Johnson has been set the challenge of creating a show. He has decided to adapt the well known story of Romeo and Juliet.
A CHILD IS READING THROUGH THE SCRIPT BUT IS RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY JOHNSON
JOHNSON:
Michael you are rubbish. What are you doing? This is you. (Mimics the poor child and mocks him)
Utter rubbish. You might as well just go. Yeah,I think it's best for every one here if you just leave. Go on then!
THE CHILD LOOKS BAFFLED THEN WALKS OUT LOOKING DOWN BEAT
JOHNSON:
Now that all the tripe is gone we can concentrate on the important stuff like who are the best actors in here. Robert, who is the best actor in here?