Rosh Hashanah Evening

Rosh Hashanah Evening

September 8, 2010

Rabbi Helen Cohn / Congregation M’kor Hayim

My hairdresser recently moved to a new salon. Like the other hairdressers there, she works independently, which means she pays rent for her space, sets her own appointments and handles her own billing. Recently one of her co-workers said to her (rather snidely), “You have a lot of clients!” “How do you know?” Erica asked. “I looked in your appointment book.”

It was clear to Erica--in the context and in her co-worker’s tone of voice--that it was not just idle curiosity behind the other woman’s comment. This small incident reveals something so many of us are prone to: comparing ourselves to other people. What this woman experienced we might call envy, we might call jealousy -- there is a slight distinction between the two words, but they both point to the same thing: our feeling of discontent because someone else has something we want. We compare ourselves to someone else and find ourselves lacking.

Our feelings of envy take many forms. Let me give a personal example, then give you a chance to think of where in your life this feeling, and these thoughts, arise.

For me, envy and what I call “the comparing mind” arise during yoga. I watch the person on the mat next to me hold a pose steadily, strongly, with amazing flexibility, while I wobble and can barely touch my toes. And I think: “I wish I could do the pose like that!“ Another example: the other day I was talking with a new acquaintance and she mentioned her yoga practice. She said she had just started yoga in January, and had as her goal to do a handstand by the end of this year. My pleasure in finding something we had in common immediately turned sour as I thought to myself: “I’ve been doing yoga for over three years, and there is no way I can do a handstand any time soon, if ever.”

This envy, this comparing mind, can arise in many situations. I was amused to learn that the Talmud says, “A woman is jealous only of another woman’s thighs.” (Meg 13a) I don’t think it’s true, but I do think there is some truth in it. What are the things any of us might envy? The great vacations our friends take, or their income, or their health, or their car, or their kids’ achievements. Or we might envy qualities in other people: neatness, intelligence, faith, sense of humor, musical ability.

There’s also another way of thinking about this, the other side of the coin. It’s when we compare ourselves to other people in a prideful way, as in “Look how much better I am (or how much more I have) than this other person.” So another yoga example: when we do a pose that I actually feel comfortable with, I sometimes feel a smug sense of satisfaction with myself when I see the woman across from me struggling. Not that I wish her ill; it’s more a comment about the vanity or pride that arises in me at her expense when I make this comparison.

In a moment we’ll pause to consider where in our own lives this envy, or pride or comparing mind arise. About what do we say, “If only I had more of that, then I would be happy.”? “If I could do what so-and-so does, then I would be satisfied.” Or, “Look at how much better I am than that person.” So let’s take some time to think about the people we know and consider where we feel this sense of comparison, in the form of envy or pride. (pause)

I know most of you who are here tonight, and I don’t think that your lives are driven by envy, pride, or comparing yourself to other people. Yet I do think we all have this tendency, and there is something to be learned when we identify it and bring it to full awareness. When we can do this, we can learn and grow, as we strive, always, to be better people, and especially at this time of year.

Let’s start by thinking about what happens when we make these comparisons. Recall the person who just came to your mind and think of a time when you compared yourself to him or her. How connected to that person do you feel? My guess is: not very. All too often we create a sense of separation between ourselves and the person we are measuring ourselves against. There is not just a feeling of lack within ourselves, but also a break in relationship with the other person.

As one of the blessings offered to the Israelites, God says “I will remove sickness from [their] midst.” (Ex 23:25). Our commentators, who know the human heart, interpret this “sickness” that will be removed to be the dissatisfaction that comes from envy. (EH 475) In other words, it is a blessing when we do not suffer from the “sickness” or the effects of envy and its related feeling of excess pride.

How do we remove this “sickness,” the ill effects of envy and comparison? One way is to recognize and appreciate the uniqueness of each human being. Judaism teaches that each of us is created in the divine image, and in that sense we are all equally holy and precious. At the same time, we are taught to celebrate our unique differences. This teaching comes from a question posed in the Talmud: “Why did God start humanity with a single human being, [rather than, say, a group]?” The answer the Talmud gives to its own question is that God’s creation is different from that of a human king. Here is the fanciful example the Talmud gives: When a human king makes coins, he makes them from a single mold and they all are identical. In contrast, although God began creation with a single person, from this mold each and every person emerges unique.

When I remember to celebrate uniqueness it is much easier for me to appreciate people with musical talent, rather than be grumpy because of my envy of that talent. When I remember to celebrate uniqueness, I am in awe of the beauty and skill of certain people in my yoga class, without any thoughts of my inability to do the same thing.

So one way to put aside envy and comparison is to simply appreciate what others can achieve through God-given talent and their own hard work.

But what about our envy of other people’s “stuff” -- the material things like their house, car, vacation, wealth. How do we work with that kind of envy? Again we turn to our tradition. The rabbis ask “Ai-za-hu a-sher?” “Who is rich?” They answer “Ha-sa-mei-ach b’chelko” “The person who is happy with his portion.” That is, a sense of being rich does not come from external things. After all, how much money do you need to be “rich”? How do you know when you have that much? When does the craving end? When is enough, enough, if we are envious of other people’s material wealth? No! the rabbis say. True wealth comes from contentment with what we have, with the portion that has come to us.

We’ve talked about how we can turn our envy of other people’s talents into appreciation and even awe, by celebrating the uniqueness of each human being. And we’ve considered how to turn envy of other people’s wealth and material bounty into the inward richness of contentment with what we have.

But what about all the other things we might envy: health, social status, relationships, or a dozen other things. The easiest, the quickest, the most fulfilling way to immediately rid ourselves of the “sickness” of envy, comparison, and even excessive pride, is simply to remember…gratitude.

Rather than envy my friend who will soon do handstands, I change the focus to gratitude for what I have: I am grateful that I finally, sort-of, can do “tree,” a balance pose I’ve been working on for months. The woman my hairdresser works with might stop envying Erica’s client list and think about the loyal customers she has had for years. The same switch goes for pride. The woman across from me at yoga who struggles…Rather than being prideful because I am “better” than she, I can be flooded by gratitude for the example she sets in perseverance and commitment to her body’s well-being.

What about each of you? Recall the person you thought about earlier, the person you envy or compare yourself to. Think about that feeling or that situation and now focus on gratitude and see if that doesn‘t transform your experience. (pause)

Gratitude washes away the comparison. It opens our heart to other people rather than leaving us cut off and separate. Every place we look, if we intend it, we can find an abundance of reasons for gratitude.

We began with envy and with envy’s twin, pride. They both come from the comparing mind, when we judge our own worth in relation to other people. But we do not need to let these emotions control us, and separate us from others.

So let’s work on this between now and Yom Kippur. I’m proposing that for these Days of Awe we make a commitment to banish envy, pride and comparing mind. I know that’s probably not entirely possible, since these emotions are imbedded in the human experience. But we can work with them, and even transform them.

When one of these emotions arise, during these ten days let‘s remember that we are created in God-given uniqueness, so that we can then celebrate that uniqueness in the person we are inclined to envy, and in ourselves as well.

And if or when we have the thought that we envy someone’s material wealth, we will remember that “riches” are not measured by external things, but in our ability to be content with what we ourselves have.

And most important of all, when a wisp of envy for any reason floats across our mind, we will remember to think instead of gratitude for all the things large and small that make our lives a blessing.