Problem with air pollution have come so serious that many countries are trying to solve these problems. What are cause and how could they be reduced?
Nowadays, air pollution has become one of the most serious problems. It has really bad effects [1]to not only the environment but also people's healths. There have been many discussions [2]about how to solve this problems[3]
There are many elements that cause [4]air pollution. First of all, emissions from industries and manufacturing activities are the main agent that engender the air pollution. Everyday, industries [5]and factories emit a large amount of smoke, dust and high levels of chemicals, caxbon [6]dioxide into the air and these [7]poisonous gases will destroy the ozone layer which are [8]protecting us from the UV Rays. Secondly, it is also burning fossil fuels [9]that causes the air pollution. Fume from cas [10]exhausts contain [11]many dangerous gases that can do harm to our health when we accidentally breathe [12]them. Recently, some statistics have shown us that everyday, vehicles and factories produce smoke and dust at an alarming rate. The final factor is household and farming chemicals. Some gases which people (esspecially [13]farrmers ) usually use such as: fertilizer, pesticide, etc may lead to some serious diseases for people[14]. Arcording [15]to a survey, over ten thousands of people die every year because of some diseases related to the respiratory system.
Because of dangerous affects [16]of air pollution, many solutions have been made[17]. To begin with, governments must take action against air pollution by introducing and applying green energy such as: wind energy, solar energy and other renewable energy to minimize the amount of poisonous gases. Moreover, governments must heavily punish the companies that pollute the air constantly[18]. Furthermore, people have to encourage each other to protect the environment, reduce the air pollution by using fewer cars, motorbike, etc. And finally, we have to recycle and reuse things. By regularly effectuating that, not only can we prevent the air from being polluted but we can also save money for ourselves[19]
In conclusion, air pollution is one of the most serious problems but [20]every countries, every governments [21]are [22]putting more effort into finding the solutions. Hopefully, the air will be clean again[23]
Task achievement / 6.0 / +Overall, you were able to understand the question and address all parts of the task.
+Your topic sentence and conclusions need to include all parts of the question.
+You were able to use each of your paragraph to address one part of the task.
+You were able to present some strong ideas. However, it’s important to support those ideas, not just stating them!
+Your essay is on the longer side with 341 words. You should write only between 250 words and 300 words for IELTS task 2.
Coherence and Cohesion / 6.0 / +There are some punctuation problems that you need to work on.
+You were able to use some linking devices, but they are rather basic. I think you can use other linking words like ‘similarly’ ‘subsequently’ ‘consequently’ ‘in contrast’ etc
+Some of your sentences are still rather unclear (especially when you use the same word to describe different things)
Lexical Resources / 6.0 / +Your sentence structures are still fairly basic. You can use structures such as ‘not only...but also’ ‘despite that’ ‘either or’ inversions, passive voices, etc to have a more diverse range of sentence structures.
+There are many awkward wordings and odd word choices in your work.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy / 6.0 / +Some of your sentences are run-on sentences or too lengthy. Don’t try to cram everything in at once.
+Pay more attention to the use of articles (a/an/the), the correct verb forms, sentence structures and prepositions.
+There are several grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. / Don’t forget to proofread after you are done to look for mistakes.
Overall: 6.0
This essay is between a 6.0 and a 6.5 for me. I’m sorry if the score seems too harsh but this also means that you have a lot of rooms to grow. I hope my comments would be able to help you improve the quality of your writing. I think it’s important to focus on your grammar and spelling as these mistakes are easily avoidable. Also, your essay is rather lengthy, which would be rather difficult to write with limited time. If you have any questions about my comments, or if you think the score doesn’t reflect your abilities, feel free to contact me and we can go over your essay again together!
Model answer:
I was not able to find a good model answer for the task given. I am sorry for this. However, I would still be looking for one and I would send you a reliable model essay as soon as possible. Again, I apologize for the inconveniences.
[1]This sounds rather awkward. You can say 'It has brought about many negative impacts ON not only...but also...'
[2]I believe this is your topic sentence. However, the task asks for the cause and the solution, so you also need to mention the 'cause' in your topic sentence. I think you can change this to 'In this essay, I would discuss the cause and solution of this phenonmenon'
[3]You are missing a full stop ('.') here
[4]This sounds rather awkward. I think you can say 'There are many factors that contribute to air pollution'
[5]'industries' seems rather awkward here to me, since 'industry' often refers to the production or services. I think you can say 'industrial factories and other facilities'
[6]'carbon'
[7]Your sentence is current a bit too lengthy. You should start a new sentence here.
[8]'the ozone layer' is a singular noun, so it should be 'is' here.
[9]I think a better way to phrase this is 'the burning of fossil fuels'
[10]What is 'cas' here? Do you mean 'cars'?
[11]your subject here is 'fume', which is an 'uncountable' noun, so it should be 'contains' here
[12]'breathe' is rather unsuitable here. I think a better word would be 'inhale'
[13]''especially'
[14]You are using 'people' twice in the same sentence. Are you referring to the same thing? If not, you should be more specific.
[15]'According'
[16]1. You are missing an article here, so it should be 'the dangerous...'
2. 'affect' is a verb. It should be a noun here, so 'effects'
[17]'make' is rather awkward here. I think you can say 'come up with' 'suggested' 'proposed' etc
[18]I think 'constantly' is rather redundant here. You can omit it. It also would be helpful to mention how the government should punish these facilities? Don't just state your ideas, elaborate and support it!
[19]You are missing a full stop '.' here.
[20]Why 'but' here? Is the second clause contrasting the first one? I think a more suitable linking device would be 'thus' or 'hence'
[21]'every' + singular noun (for example: every story, every teacher). not plural
[22]'every' + noun is a singular subject. So it should be 'is' here
[23]1. You are missing a full stop '.' here.
2. this sentence seems redundant to me. Omit it.
3. With your conclusion, you would also need to address all parts of the task, which includes the 'causes'