August 2, 2050
Portfolio Reader
University of Florida
Gainesville, Florida 32611
Dear Portfolio Reader:
The assignment I chose to revise is my literary analysis of Junot Diaz’s How To Date A Browngirl.I’ve made local and global revisions to the paper, as well as addressed some of the feedback made by the instructor. Among the local revisions are: removal of adverbs or adjectives, “to be” verbs, inclusion of transition words, and combining sentences to start with a dependent clause and end with an independent clause. For global revisions, I changed the shape of the paper and remodeled some topic sentences. Additionally, more in depth personal thoughts and analysis were included in the paper as suggested by the instructor.
In the second paragraph, the original sentence states “As a result, the girls’ ethnicities are all funneled into one out of only four categories. Here, the words “all,”“only,” and “out” were removed, and “restrictive” was added before “categories. This made the sentence less jarring and felt smoother. Similarly, in the fourth paragraph the words “more clearly” and “so” were removed as were an unnecessary addition to the sentence. The new sentence reads “Moreover, perhaps Yunior’s behaviors with the white girl are drastic and show his insecurities because of the combination of his perception of their races and the vast difference between them.”
Furthermore, transitions, such as “in addition,” “moreover,” “consequently,” and “at the same time” were added between main ideas. Specifically, they were used to separate and serve as introductions for supportive evidence or examples. For instance, in the third paragraph I used “in addition” to introduce Yunior’s advice to “run a hand through our hair” as yet another example of his insecurities while dating the white girl. Transitions were also added when I analyzed what certain situations meant. For example, after stating his insecurities in the third paragraph, I analyzed what Yunior’s shame represents. The analysis sentence was instigated with “consequently” to inform the reader of the shift from summary to analysis.
Additionally, in the third paragraph, “Yunior is playing with…” was changed to “Therefore, Yunior plays with…” In the conclusion, two sentences were merged to form a combination of a dependent and independent clause. Instead of “He is back at square one” and “This proves…,” the sentence was remodeled to read “Being back at square one, his attempt at…”
Changes were made to the order of the paragraphs to enhance the flow and bring similar ideas closer together. The original third paragraph became the fifth paragraph in the revision, just before the conclusion. The original fourth and fifth paragraphs became the third and fourth paragraphs, respectively. After my analysis of the behaviors of cultures and how stereotypes are involve, it felt natural to transition into showing the race dependents behaviors demonstrated by the characters. Furthermore, since the original third paragraph ties and shows similarities between the behaviors of different cultures, it was appropriate to leave it as my last piece of evidence.
In paragraph three, paragraph four in the original, the topic sentence was changed to include how Yunior’s choice in restaurant is representative of his attempt at erasing the “Us vs Them” dynamic. This was suggested by the instructor and it fits well with the flow of this paragraph. Another suggestion by the instructor, which is also what was revised the most, was the depth of the analysis. In all of the paragraphs, with the exception of the conclusion, more analyses were made to show what my comments mean, what certain detail represent, and what are Diaz’s’ goals. For example, in the second paragraph, I added that the behaviors of Yunior and the girls demonstrate how much power cultures give to race and how these cultures are unaware of the harm in their generalizations and stereotypes. Additionally, the instructor commented that the conclusion was too generalized. Thus, the conclusion was tailored to relate specifically to the characters in the story and the consequences of their perceptions and behaviors.
Sincerely,