Parent Success Skills
Parent Night #1: Understanding Your Child’s Behavior
Whether conscious or not, ALLbehaviors have a purpose or goal. Our behaviors are a method of trying to satisfy our basic needs, especially the need to belong. Misbehavior typically falls into one of four broad categories: Attention, Power, Revenge, and Demonstration of Inability. When we recognize which category a child’s behavior falls into, we can recognize the goal of the behavior and react appropriately.
The Four Categories of Misbehavior:
Attention
Define- A person seeks to belong by getting another person to notice him or her. This can be accomplished by either doing things that are either constructive, or irritating (e.g., by nagging, pestering, or otherwise getting noticed). When other people do not give them attention, they feel as if they are valueless.
Example- Karl is supposed to be in his room doing homework. You hear music playing in his room, and you hear a drumming sound to the beat of the song. As you pass by, you see him sitting on the floor with his books out, but he is pounding out the rhythm of the song on the wall.
Power
Define- A person seeks to belong by being in control of others or of a situation. The behavior that is used is designed to overpower the will of others, and demand submission. If the other person resists, then the individual sees it as an opportunity to show their superiority. This demonstration of strength as well as the obedience of others confirms that they are correct and/or morally superior, and thus have a place.
Example- Maria is normally a good student, however she recently has come home with several poor grades. You have a “reasonable” talk with her about her plan for studying. However, for the next two days you notice that she spends her afternoons and evenings on the phone or in the Internet and not doing her homework.
Revenge
Define- When a child loses a power struggle, she will seeks to belong by demonstrating that they are the victim. This is manifested by angrily lashing out against another person as a way of seeking justice or retribution. The hurtful comments or actions is meant to demonstrate the level of pain the individual feels, and/or as a way of insulating from further pain or damage to their self-image as a result of additional loss of power.
Example- After Maria continues t bring home poor grades, you decide to take away her phone and Internet privileges (a logical consequence). Then you notice that her room is messy and suggest that she clean it. She becomes enraged and screams out loud “All you ever do is sit around. I never see you doing anything around here. Your room is always a mess, and the kitchen is never clean. You expect me to do everything around here, you don’t care about me at all, I’m just your slave!!”
Demonstration of Inability
Define- These individuals seek to belong by demonstrating that they are unable to contribute. Because they feel that they cannot do anything well, these individuals prefer not to have their failings or defects on display. Hence, their actions require someone else to do things for him/her or not being asked to do anything (thus saving them from further embarrassment).
Example- Karl has been doing poorly in reading and feels very discouraged. You try to help by making a plan with him to start a “book club” with him. Karl seems to agree, however when it is time for the club meeting to happen, Karl fumbles through his description of the book and it is clear he hasn’t read it. Frustrated by this, you ask “What happened, I thought we agreed to this?” Karl replies by saying “I tried to, but I just couldn’t understand it. It is just too difficult and I’m not really good at this.” You give up.
How Can I Determine My Child’s Goal?
You can often determine the goal of the behavior by thinking about how you feel.
If you feel…
Annoyed (Like a fly is buzzing around your ear), then the goal is Attention.
Think of when you are on the phone and your child keeps calling you.
If you feel…
Angry (“Why won’t you listen to/obey me?!?!?” ), then the goal is Power.
Think of when you are in the checkout line and the child wants candy.
If you feel…
Angry and Hurt (“How could you say/do such a thing to me?!?!?” ), then the goal is Revenge.
Think of when your child says “I HATE YOU!” after you say “No candy.”
If you feel…
Hopelessness (“Why put him/her through it, I’ll do it (for him/her).” ), then the goal is Demonstration of Inability.
Think of when your child says “You do it, I can’t!” and you did just to get it done.
How Should I React?
Now that we have determined why the child is misbehaving, let’s look at how we help the child meet their needs in a positive way rather than with misbehavior.
- Attention -> Inclusion (I want to be a part of things here.)
Example: Karl’s pounding was a way to get parent’s attention so that he could engage them and not engage the work. Parent could offer encouragement to Karl that he has the ability to do the work, and suggest that he check in with parent after work is finished.
- Power -> Independence (I want to have the “say so.”)
Example: Maria’s use of the phone and Internet instead of following her agreement with parent to study better suggests that she was not invested in the plan to study and demonstrated that to the parent. Parent could go back and solicit her input about what she can do to change the situation (although not studying is not an option). It is important for Maria to feel empowered to set up the plan, as well as feel capable to implement it. Using the “7 Keys” (see below) to help the conversation would be beneficial here.
- Revenge-> Equity/Fairness (I want to be treated with respect.)
Example: At this point, Maria is feeling that she has no power in the situation (i.e., lost the power struggle about the phone and computer), and has nothing to lose by lashing out at the parent. She wants the parent to acknowledge the inequity that she feels. This is not always easy to do if the parent is very hurt, and there is a danger is that the parent will lash out with a hurtful remark back. This will only escalate the level of anger and get parent and child further away from a solution. Therefore taking a “time-out” (10 minutes or so) to ‘cool off” prevents escalation. When it is time to discuss the solution, it is important to stick to the facts and avoid the hurt until the initial problem (doing homework) is solved. Again, using the “7 Keys” (see below) to help the conversation would be beneficial here.
- Demonstration of Inability ->Competence (I want to know you believe in me)
Example: Karl is demonstrating that he doesn’t feel that he has the ability to handle the reading. It is crucial that the parent doesn’t buy into this and give up, but rather remind the child of their abilities in the past, notice any attempts (no matter how half-hearted), and focus the child on making a good faith try in the present. Encouragement skills are important to include.
What are the steps when a child misbehaves?
- Stay Calm
- Focus on your feeling to figure out the goal
Am I annoyed, angry, hurt, or feeling hopeless?
Then my child is seeking attention, power, revenge, or displaying inadequacy.
- Remember the underlying need
“Is my child looking for involvement, independence, equity/fairness, or competence?”
- Find a way to help the child meet the need without giving into the behavior
Remember: It is important to get past the moment (hurt, anger, etc.), deal with the problem at hand, and then work out the longer term issues at a later time (feeling of disrespect, etc.).