Only Fools and Horses
‘Rodney you Dipstick’By Tom Griffith.
Scene 1 – In the Nelson Mandela House - Del and Rodney are in the flat, Del Boy watching a dodgy looking old T.V and Rodney tying up his show lasses whilst reading the Peckham News paper. Del is whining about the tele. (5 seconds in to the first scene….)
DEL. Nothing but rubbish on this box………………………………………….. there’s more rubbish inside the tele than there is watching the bloody thing. No wonder it was at a knocked off price……….. That’s the last time I buy anything off him!
RODNEY. This is Sandy Fellas we’re talking about here; he’s about as reliable as someone with amnesia! Did you actually inspect it before you decided to buy 15 of the bloody things?
(Del reacts in a mode, which brings across cockyness)
DEL. I shouldn’t have should I Rodders, its business, I’m too shruud for that sort of thing, I just dive in and hope for the best don’t I?
RODNEY. Yeah don’t you just, how we gonna sell those rotten tele’s anyway? Half of them don’t even work! What you gunna do when they all bring them back demanding a re-fund?
DEL. Well Sandy knows this geezer – Jimmy the Jackhead who repairs tele’s for any of his business clients for free right? Who he get’s paid a douze in bunce for it as part of the old deal and sandy will get happy punters, I get fixed tele’s and every ones a winner! Comment de tont, as they say in the old francois. I’m also chucking in a Malaysian rug to? So you can’t complain.
(Rodney looks dazzled at the thought of manky old rugs being chukd in with the deal)
DEL. What else dya want for 50 quid?
(Rod Reacts)
RODNEY. What! Those horrible looking fings ? The rugs you nicked from Dirty Barry? Del they look like old sheep’s skin that’s been attacked by a butcher.
DEL. I think they’re very nice looking rugs Rodney, all they need is a run down with the JAY-Edgar and your laughing! Any way I did not nick em! I was jus doin a favour for a mate aint I ay? He can’t sell em so I sed I’d help him by takin them off him! As he got so fed up wiv em
RODNEY. Oh yeah? So what was his part of the deal?
DEL. He gets one of my broken tele’s if Sandy’s mate can’t fix em!
(Del laughs to himself and Rodney looks mortified)
DEL.Anyway, enough of all that, we gota go down the nags head, I gota see if I can knock some of those rugs down to Mike as he needs to decorate the lounge area again
RODNEY. What again? Bloody hell Del he’s re done that place up more times than a changing room!
DEL. Oh shut up you tart, if he wants em he wants em dun he, his choice.
Anyway I want you to help me carry em out, they’re a bit awkward to carry.
RODNEY. Yeah ok.
RODNEY. So why does he wanna buy some Rugs off ya?
DEL. He don’t know yet! (Del laughs as Rodneys looks at Del in a way of disgust)
RODNEY. Del come on that aint fair howd u fink he’s gonna feel when he realizes he’s been knocked in to one of your ‘deals’ again eh? Remember the pub chairs you promised him? You ended up giving him garden furniture!
DEL. It’s business son, he’s a mate and understands, but also he’s my business associate when I need to strike a deal.
RODNEY. So what is he on this occasion?
DEL. Business associate
(Rod Reacts)
Scene 2 - The Nags Head
Del and Rodney walk in to the Nags Head and Albert is already in there having a drink talking to Trigger, Boycie and Denzil. Del socialises with the others when he has ago at Albert. Trigger and Denzil greet del whilst del suddenly notices Albert having a drink.
DEL. Watcha gentlemen, oi where the hell have you been all morning you soppy old duffer?
ALBERT.I been down the Market Del, I went to get those spare leads you asked me to get for those teles.
Del. Ok yeah alrite,
BOYCIE. Del Boy! How’s business? I heard you were knocking off some frozen tele’s, I was having a word with Sunglasses Ron not long ago, he was in stitches telling me about it. (Boycie laughs in an evily manor) in trademark style
(Del Boy looks slightly annoyed at boycies remark and starts lying about his (Dels) business lately to impress and get back at Boycie.)
Del. Business is blooming Boycie my friend, sold over hundred and fifty of those videos the other day!
Boycie. Ohh did you? Well, I’ll give you a shout if I need any of them, I could do with some tape to do up on Marlene’s mouth!
(Boycie, Del and Rodney laugh at Boycies sarcastic comment)
DEL. Right-o, mike! I’ll have a PeanaCloda with lots of ice and drinks for the lads, on the slate? as I’m bracid once again look.
MIKE. I’ve got enough of your slates to re do a bloody pavement!
DEL.Yeah well I was goin to talk to you about that weren’t I. I’ve got 42 lovely looking rugs, four quid a go, you can have 5 for twelve quid plus a lovely looking tele, yeah? Come on Michael, im more or less starving my self!
MIKE. Alrite I’ll take em, give me one free and we’ll forget about the drinks?
DEL. Good boy Michael, you know it makes sense!
(Mike just realises he has been conned out of money for the drinks)
ALBERT. So have you got rid of those awful Maysalian rugs yet?
DEL. There is nothing wrong with those bleeding rugs alrite! No as it happenes I have not got rid of em yet, mikes taking five off me but apart from that, sod all sold so shut up about it and no more on the subject, alrite!
(There is a short silence for about 5 seconds)
Trigger. Alrite Dave?
RODNEY. Alrite Trigg?
TRIGGER. So you in to all that then?
RODNEY. In to what Trigg?
TRIGGER. Malaysian clothing?
(Rod and the others react with a smirk on their face also looking dazzled)
RODNEY. No Trigg they aint clothing, they’re sort of like carpet materials, you know.
TRIGGER. Oh right… what makes Malaysian then?
RODNEY. Trigg, Malaysia’s a country init, you know, sort of near the other side of the world. Not Nike or anything like that.
BOYCIE. Come along Rodney, Trigger wouldn’t know where Milton Keens was.
(Del Rodney and Albert go and sit down at a table in the pub)
DEL. Right, Rodney when we get back to the flat, I want you to try and sort the squeaky noise out on that door.
RODNEY. Why have I gota do it for? (Rodney looks at Albert) I’m not the one who spilt brandy all over the hinges to make it like that in the first place.
ALBERT. Don’t have ago at me son, you’re the one who shoved past me the other nite in a strop when I answered the door to you.
RODNEY. I was not in a strop, I was just tired.
DEL. Why were you in a strop for Rodney?
RODNEY. Coz Mickey Pearce nicked my rain coat and it was soaking bloody wet the other nite and there I was walking in the dark more or less swimming home.
ALBERT. Well that weren’t my fault was it!
DEL. Alrite alrite you to just pack it in alrite? Anyway, Rodney, I want you to go down to the garage and see if you can find any of that oil stuff ok.
RODNEY. Yeah ok….What for?
DEL. To put some in your gob so that you will speak more smoothly, you miserable sod!
(Albert and Del laughs as Rodney looks annoyed.)
Scene 3 – Back at Nelson Mandela House
Rodney’s back at the flat kneeling down by the front door as you walk in, he is trying to fix the door hinges, he bangs his head awkwardly and swears, Albert is sitting in his chair with a brandy laughing at him.
Rodney. Bastard!
ALBERT. hahahahah! Now you know how I felt the other nite. Serves you rite for being such a misery!
RODNEY. Oh shut up you stupid old burk! I’ve Been here for hours trying to fix these bloody things.
(Del comes in through the front door)
DEL. That’s the way Rodney, I’ve been out all day trying to put abit of grub on the table and all you can do is sit there messing about with the bloody door which I told you to do yonks ago
RODNEY. For your information Derrick, I have been working on this bloody thing and trying to clear the muck off them carpets.
DEL. That’s all we’ve been on about today, those bleeding carpets. They’ve been mentioned more times than the prime minister does on the tele.
DEL. Alrite Uncle, ere, when you gunna put abit of dinner on, I’m starving aint I?
ALBERT. Yeah I’ll put some on in abit.
Rodney has just about finished the door, he’s got a fag in his hand, he opens and closes the door to show Del that there is no longer a squeaky noise when he realizes he has spilt oil all over the rusty rugs.
RODNEY. There you are, Rodney has done it my son, listen to that not a sound!
ALBERT. What’s that seeping through the door Del?
(Del and Albert have noticed leaking oil)
DEL. You dozy little twonk Rodney!!! You’ve spilt oil all over the place look!
RODNEY. Ah no! It’s all over the walls and rugs look!
DEL. Clear it up quick before I clear you up!
(Rodney goes in to the kitchen to get a cloth to clear up the mess)
DEL. I don’t believe him, wata plonker! Wata plonker! I can’t trust that boy really I can’t
ALBERT. Your mum always said he’d be a bit on the clumsy side when he grew older!
DEL. You noticed the small fings did ya?
(Rodney clears up the mess whilst smoking a fag at the same time.)
RODNEY. Shut up will ya, it’s your fault for leaving them stupid carpet fings there in the first place, and they were always gunna cause an accident
DEL. Yeah, like some div getting in the way and spilling halfa tin of oil all over them.
(Rodney reacts to Del’s comment then accidentally drops his cigarette which causes a mini fire which the spilt oil on the carpet reacts to.
RODNEY. Bloody hell Del! quick get the fire extinguisher or sumin quick!
DEL. Oh bloody hell Rodney you wally!
(Del and Albert start to panic, Rodney manages to get some cold water from the kitchen and poor over the carpets which are now looking ruined)
DEL. You are one big plonker! I now have about 35 iraninian rugs now! You are a soppy old dipstick! You could have set the whole place alight’!
ALBERT. Might have been an improvement Del
DEL. Why don’t you shut up, you bearded old goat.
RODNEY. LookDel I’m sorry, I mean it was an accident I was only trying to clear up the spilt oil, which you told me to do.
DEL. Alrite Rodney, it doesn’t matter, no harm has been done, just a few rugs set alight that’s all. I’ll just have to improvise when trying to sell those tele’s, gunna have to chuck in some thing else now. I gota go back down the market, theres a bus load of tourists coming in from the Midliands soon, and I heard they’re passing by Luton street, so I’m gunna see if I can do abit of business alrite?
RODNEY. Yeah alrite, do you need me wiv ya?
ALBERT. I wouldn’t Del, he’ll most proberly burn the whole lot of your stock!
RODNEY. I need you don’t I, I mean I bloody need you!
DEL. Yes I’ll need you to come and help me, police patrol are out today! That’s all I need!
Scene 4 – Down at a packed market, Del boy is trying to flog a suitcase full of Wellington boots, Rodney is standing near Del on the look out for any cops around.
DEL. Alrite then gather round, gather round ladies and gentlemen coz what I’ve got here is something you will always need when going on your old camping ‘olidays’, these are the very finest and top quiality gear, rainbows Wellington boots, as worn by David Atenborough. I know that you lot from up there like to do abit of trooping through the old forests don’t i.
(Crowded people laugh at Del’s obvious joke)
DEL. No no straight up, they are pure quality. They retail at about nineteen pounds a pair, I brought a load in bulk for hundred quid, so I’m going to literally give them away to you at a knocked down price of twelve pounds each, I can’t say farer than that can I?
(Moans and groans from the people gathered round)
RODNEY. Del come ere,
DEL. What do you want Rodney? I was on the verge of getting rid of these beleeding things!!
RODNEY. I’ve just noticed something on those wellington boots
DEL. What’s that?
RODNEY. Look at them, they’e all for you right foot! Where’s the bloody left ones!
(Del looks confused and begins to realize his mistake)
DEL. I don’t believe it! What the hell am I guna do wiv em now! Ah well lets go for a drink, I feel a bit cream cracked as it happens.
RODNEY. What did I tell you about them fings, I told you not to bother with foot wear, they never sell well del.
DEL. Yeah well, I’m gonna have to go in to plan b aren’t I!
RODNEY. What’s that then del?
DEL. I’m gonna shove them right in your gob! You miserable little git! Come on, I’m parched; lets go bk down the pub!
Scene 5 – In the Nags Head, Mike is talking about the rugs del boy has sold him, he is talking to boycie and Denzil
MIKE. So there I was, laying the bloody things out and what do I find on the bottom of my shoe? Bloody oil!
DENZIL. Either that or Marlene’s over done it on the make up again
(Boycie’s and mike laugh amongst themselves)
BOYCIE . Yeah so uh…. What do you mean Marlene’s over done it on the make up again!
MIKE. Never mind boycie, hold up, del’s here again
DEL. Alright boys, denz…
DENZIL, BOYCIE, MIKE. Del Boy
MIKE. Del, about those rugs you sold me
DEL. What about it Mike?
MIKE. Well they’re horrible! They make my Pub look like a takeaway!
DEL. What you on about? They’re nice looking fings aint they?! They go well with the walls look
(Denzil intrupts)
DENZIL. Come on Del, they look about as attractive as sids fry ups
DEL. I didn’t force you to take em off me did I!
(Mike looks as if he looks confused and knows he’s be done up again.
MIKE. You’ve done me up like a butcher!
DEL. its business!
TRIGGER. Oh del, I forgot to tell you, a Mr Dahari was looking for you earlier, he didn’t seem best pleased, he mentioned sumin about the Driscoll Brothers
DEL. What! the Driscoll brothers! Why do they want me again eh? You know I never go near the Driscoll Brothers!
ALBERT. What have you got yourself into son?
RODNEY. Bloody hell Del! His name doesn’t half sound Malaysian!
DEL. We better get out of here, quick come lets get out of here.
Scene - 6
(Back at the Flat, Del and Rodney are cursing the thought of the Driscoll Brothers calling for them about the rugs)
RODNEY. So who the hell is this Mr Dahari! What have you been getting us in to! Please don’t tell me they’re bent Malaysian rugs!
DEL. Don’t have a pop at me Rodney. How was I supposed to know he was friendly with the Driscoll brothers!!
RODNEY. Well it’s simple Del, you don’t go around steeling in the first place!
DEL. I did not steel them! I told you before I took em of Barry didn’t I! They must have been that Mr Dahari’s in the first place! Oh Gorden Bennett! What has that old git done! He must have copped an unfortunate one when he found out about these rugs! No wonder he wanted to get rid of em!
RODNEY. You prat!
(There is a knock at the door, Del Rodney and Albert all look terrified)
DEL. Oh gawd! You know who that is don’t ya!
RODNEY. Oh bloody hell.
ALBERT. Is it someone from the council?
(Del and Rod give a reaction)
RODNEY. You Burk!
DEL. Well answer it then Uncle!
ALBERT. Me! Let Rodney answer it
RODNEY. Me! Why should I answer it?
DEL. Well you’re the one with the GCE’s!
RODNEY. Del, I can’t see how that’s got to do with anything.
DEL. Oh I’ll answer it then! Just brace yourself alrite, just keep schtum, and let me do the talking, don’t get over excited, or say anything plonkerish either! Where’s my bat! Ah sod the bat.
(Del walks anxiously over to the door, and calls out and asks who it is)
DEL. Whose there?
DANNY. Your most favourite bosom friend
DEL. Oh, alrite! Come in Danny, how, how can I help you then?
TONY. We believe you’ve been knocking off some of our precious stock
DANNY. Two hundred quid’s worth as it happens
DEL. Two hundred quid! I wouldn’t know Danny! I took these off Dirty Barry!