Online Journal 5.1
Roles in Personal Relationships
Select a relationship in which you relate closely with another person. It may be with your best friend, a lover, or a member of your family with whom you have developed a highly personal relationship. As you choose a relationship, think about those individuals with whom you have a fairly long relational history and thus know a great deal of psychological information about them.
Next, examine the types of roles that you perform in the selected relationship. How many different roles do you perform? Give some examples of concrete situations in which you play the various roles. (As the text notes, roles might include things such as fellow students in a class, companions who travel together, partners in playing a game or enjoying a recreational activity, or being a supporter or confidant who tries to be helpful.)
Use the space below for your response:
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Online Journal 5.2
Formality and Informality in Interpersonal Relationships
Think about the various kinds of interpersonal situations in which you communicate and how you develop formal and informal styles of communication with the various relationships in your life. First, fill in the name of a person with whom you relate for each category and check off the most appropriate box on the formal/informal style continuum.
Then, provide examples that illustrate how you communicate with that person in formal or informal ways.
1. A very good friend that you have known for a long time: ______
Very formal / Somewhat formal / Formal or informal, depending on the situation / Somewhat informal / Very informal1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
_____ / _____ / _____ / _____ / _____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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2. A family member that you see on a frequent basis, perhaps daily: ______
Very formal / Somewhat formal / Formal or informal, depending on the situation / Somewhat informal / Very informal1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
_____ / _____ / _____ / _____ / _____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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3. A family member that you do not see on a frequent basis: ______
Very formal / Somewhat formal / Formal or informal, depending on the situation / Somewhat informal / Very informal1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
_____ / _____ / _____ / _____ / _____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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4. A co-worker or classmate that you relate to principally in a professional or academic type of interaction: ______
Very formal / Somewhat formal / Formal or informal, depending on the situation / Somewhat informal / Very informal1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
_____ / _____ / _____ / _____ / _____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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5. A co-worker or classmate with whom you commonly have a personal relationship as well as a professional or academic type of interaction : ______
Very formal / Somewhat formal / Formal or informal, depending on the situation / Somewhat informal / Very informal1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
_____ / _____ / _____ / _____ / _____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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6. A person in a professional setting or in the academic environment whose status or position of power is considerably different from yours: ______
Very formal / Somewhat formal / Formal or informal, depending on the situation / Somewhat informal / Very informal1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
_____ / _____ / _____ / _____ / _____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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7. A person in a professional setting or in the academic environment whose status or position of power is relatively equal to yours: ______
Very formal / Somewhat formal / Formal or informal, depending on the situation / Somewhat informal / Very informal1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
_____ / _____ / _____ / _____ / _____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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Online Journal 5.3
Hierarchies of Exclusiveness: The Guest List
One practical way of recognizing your hierarchy of relationships in terms of how exclusive they are is to think about the different people you know and who you would invite to join you in celebrating an occasion. In other words, who would be included on your guest list?
1. Whom would you invite to an intimate dinner celebrating a milestone in your life, such as a birthday or an academic accomplishment? (Prepare a list of names and then determine the total number of people you would invite.)
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2. Whom would you invite to an afternoon-long party celebrating a milestone in your life, such as a birthday or an academic accomplishment, if you were limited to ten individuals?
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3. Whom would you invite to attend an open house celebrating a milestone in your life, such as a birthday or an academic accomplishment, if you were limited to thirty individuals?
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Online Journal 5.4
Qualities and Expectations of Friendship
How many people do you count as being your best friend(s)? List the names of those individuals.
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In general, how important is each of the following qualities or expectations to the way that you define friendship? Rank order each of the following qualities on a number scale between 1 and 6. Assign 1 to the item that is most important to you and 6 to the least important element. Then, designate the others by writing in 2, 3, 4, or 5.
Honesty: _____
Responsible: _____
Intelligent: _____
Cultured: _____
Dynamic:_____
Creative:_____
Next, make your own list of additional items that are some of the qualities and expectations that you use to define friendship.
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Elaborate on several of the items in the first list where you did the rankings as well as the second listing where you identified your own personal preferences. Why do you feel that these are the most important qualities or expectations of friendship? Use examples to explain why these qualities and expectations are important.
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Online Journal 5.5
Qualities and Expectations of Romantic Relationships
In general, how important is each of the following qualities or expectations for being in a romantic relationship? Rank order each of the following qualities on a number scale between 1 and 8. Assign 1 to the item that is most important to you and 6 to the least important element. Then, designate the others by writing in 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7.
Trust:______
Caring: ______
Friendship: ______
Honesty: ______
Respect: ______
Passion: ______
Commitment: ______
Intimacy: ______
Next, make your own list of additional items that are some of the qualities and expectations that you use to define what it means to be in a romantic relationship.
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Elaborate on several of the items in the first list where you did the rankings as well as the second listing where you identified your own personal preferences. Why do you feel that these are the most important qualities or expectations of being in a romantic relationship? Use examples to explain why these qualities and expectations are important.
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Online Journal 5.6
Your “Stock Story” for Meeting People
How do you commonly relate to people when you first meet them? What “stock story” do you usually tell about yourself to give others some general insight into who you are?
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Tell your story.
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Online Journal 5.7
Personal Narratives
Reflect on some of the stories of your life, and then think of the particular persons with whom you have shared them. It’s likely that you have shared the most personal of these narratives with only a select few people.
What are the characteristics of the relationships in which you have chosen to share your personal narratives?
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Online Journal 5.8
Strategies for Reducing Uncertainty
Recall a recent situation in which you met an individual or a group of people for the first time. Which strategies of uncertainty reduction did you use? Describe the specific way that you used a passive strategy of unobtrusive observation, an active strategy of finding out information about the target person from someone else you knew, or an interactive strategy of speaking directly with the new person.
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Next, consider whether what you did in this situation was consistent with how you commonly approach new communication situations. Was this situation pretty much typical for you, or was it more of an exception to what you normally do? Explain your answer, providing details.
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Online Journal 5.9
Breadth and Depth of Self-Disclosure
Assess how sensitive each of the following topics of self-disclosure is to you. Give each topic a rating using the following seven-point scale:
1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7Not very sensitive
(I am likely to share this information with just about anybody I meet.) / Somewhat not sensitive / Not sensitive / Neutral / Sensitive / Somewhat sensitive / Very sensitive
(I am likely to share this information only with my most intimate relational partners or perhaps not with anyone at all.)
Note: If a topic does not apply to your experience, give it a 4.
_____ 1. My taste in music
_____ 2. Where I come from
_____ 3. Descriptions of my siblings
_____ 4. What kind of work that I do
_____ 5. My political views
_____ 6. Some of my religious beliefs and practices
_____ 7. Information about my sexual orientation
_____ 8. How I decided to attend my school
_____ 9. Where I live
_____ 10. Attitudes toward controversial social issues
_____ 11. How I got my last job
_____ 12. My health status
_____ 13. A recent sexual experience
_____ 14. My future professional goals
_____ 15. An embarrassing experience
As you reflect on the topics, consider how communicating about some of them reveals the kinds of information you share easily and comfortably early in a relationship and probably with a number of people. Self-disclosing on these topics is part of your breadth of self-disclosure. You likely scored these topics 6’s or 7’s.
Other topics, in contrast, are more sensitive and therefore shared later in the development of a relationship and probably with relatively few people. You probably scored these as 1’s or 2’s. These topics represent the depth of self-disclosure.
For further reflection, choose a couple of the topics that you designated as having low sensitivity—say, those with 1’s or 2’s. What is your relative comfort level with these topics, and to how many people you are likely to disclose this information? What is it about these topics that make them less sensitive?
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Then, by contrast, highlight a few of the topics that you marked as being much more sensitive. How selective are you in determining with whom to entrust with this information? What is it about these topics that make them more sensitive? What kinds of considerations do you take into account when making the judgment of whether or not to share these topics with another person?
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Online Journal 5.10
Interpreting Self-Disclosures
Draw on your experiences in communicating with others. Think of a situation in which someone shared information with you and how you interpreted his or her decision to do so.
How did you feel about the other person as a result of his or her disclosure? In determining that, attempt to separate the impact that the actual content information had on you from the way you felt about the person for sharing it with you. For instance, you might have felt that he or she was assuming greater risk than had been the case before, or you might have felt hurt that he or she had not shared this information with you earlier.
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Online Journal 5.11
Choosing to Self-Disclose
Think of a situation in which you had to decide whether to make a self-disclosure to someone. Which of the following did you take into account in making your choice to disclose or not disclose the information? Provide examples to illustrate your decision making.
- Will the potential cost of making the self-disclosure outweigh the benefit of doing so?
- Will the person to whom I am self-disclosing feel comfortable with the depth of information to be shared, and will I feel comfortable in sharing this information?
- Are the levels of trust and intimacy in our relationship fitting for this level of self-disclosure?
- Is this the right time and place to share a personal disclosure?
- Will sharing the information communicate relational messages?
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Online Journal 5.12
Relationship Maintenance Strategies
Evaluate the ways you and a relational partner communicate in terms of:
1. Showing Positiveness: My relational partner and I are polite and courteous to one another when we talk and cooperate in handling conflict issues.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is this a matter for growth and change?
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2. Demonstrating Openness: My relational partner and I are willing to tell one another how we each feel about our relationship and are able to disclose want we want or need from our relationship.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is this a matter for growth and change?
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3. Providing Reassurances: My relational partner and I demonstrate our commitment to one another and to our relationship. We express love and affection for one another and demonstrate willingness to invest time, energy and ourselves in the relationship.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is this a matter for growth and change?
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4.Integrating into Social Networks: My relational partner and I have a meaningful network of friends and affiliations with whom we like to spend time as a couple. We include our friends and/or family members in our activities.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is this a matter for growth and change?
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5. Sharing Tasks and Responsibilities: My relational partner and I both take part in handling joint responsibilities. We each do a fair share household work, such as practical chores and day-to-day maintenance.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is this a matter for growth and change?
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Online Journal 5.13
Internal Dialectics
When two values, or “goods,” are in dialectical tension, you may want both of them. For instance, you may enjoy the companionship that comes from being with other people but still need the solace that comes from being by yourself. Similarly, you may like the comfort of being in a predictable and stable relationship, in which the rules are crystal clear, yet feel the need to break out of the box and do something zany and unpredictable. Or you might consider the value of sharing certain information while also recognizing that some things are better left unsaid. In each of these kinds of situations, you will feel a tension between the opposing poles of conflicting “goods.”
Draw on your experiences from various relationships to develop examples of the three principal types of internal relational dialectics.
1. Autonomy/Connection: The need for autonomy, in terms of independence, separateness, and individuality, along with the need to be connected, in terms of interdependence or closeness.
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2. Novelty/Predictability: The need for novelty, as experienced by the desire to meet new people and do new things, along with the need for predictability, in which there is stability and a sense of routine.
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3. Openness/Closedness: The need for disclosure, in which relational partners share their thoughts and feelings, along with the need for closedness, in which the value of privacy and boundaries are recognized.
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Online Journal 5.14
External Dialectics
Reflect on the various social networks to which you and another person with whom you have a primary relationship are connected. For instance, how do you and a best friend relate to the social network comprised of your larger circle of friends? Or how do you as a member of an immediate family or a romantic couple interact with members of one or more extended families or to people in the community?
After reflecting on these connections, answer the following questions:
1. How do you experience dialectical tension around issues of inclusion and seclusion? Think about how you encounter tension between being integrated into the larger social network and having opportunities for separateness from that network.
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2. How do you experience dialectical tension around issues of conventionality and uniqueness? Think about how you and your primary relational partner can have your relationship accepted and legitimized by your larger social network yet also maintain your own separate integrity as a couple.
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3. How do you experience dialectical tension around issues of revelation and concealment? Think about how you can keep certain topics private and thus not privy to members of your extended social network yet also express what is relevant and meaningful for maintaining connections with that network.