Why we don’t change
One Hour Seminar Christians Aware
Abstract: In this seminar I will first give some different perspectives of why I think we don’t change, make time for small group discussion and plenary and then make a summary.
I will offer some thinking about change and why as individuals, cultures and humanity, we seem not to change. I will start with a possible Christian perspective; offer some psychological and sociological perspectives.
The first hint we have about the issue in the Bible is in Genesis and the story of ‘the fall’ (Genesis 2. 9 to 2.17). In this story we see how we as a species fell from grace, not actually by sin as much as by partaking of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Interestingly the story actually centres upon man’s shame when they know that they were naked. Shame then lead to a rupture in their relationship with God, they hid from him to hide their shame at being naked. Notice it was not nudity in itself that was shameful; they were naked before eating the fruit and were unaware of any problem with this. It was their decision that their nakedness was shameful that caused the rupturein their relationship with God. Also notice in this story how God dealt with reconnecting by not noticing their nakedness, He actually asks them to tell him why they are hiding, even though as an Omnipresent and Omniscient God he could see them and knew what they had done; first he ‘covers’ their shame, with clothing, before bringing their act of disobedience into the light. This theme of ‘covering’ runs throughout the Old and New Testaments, se for example Noah when he gets Drunk and one son shames him whilst two of them cover his shame. See also the book Of Ruth, where Ruth shows how through covering to maintain relationship. See also the first Passover feast, celebrated annually, and culminating with Christ our Pascal Lamb. Change comes, not through shame (the outcome of having the knowledge of good and evil and judging self and others as unworthy, but rather through sensitivity and covering, inviting awareness of wrongdoing (coming into the light) repentance (a 180 degree turnabout) and eventual reparation, a return to Fellowship and relationship.
Psychologically we can look at why we remain stuck from many angles. I offer a few here:
Frame of Reference and Life Script:
Most if not all schools of psychology agree that during childhood we record the basis for our way of interpreting the environment. Effectively what we learn about ourselves, others and life its self are recorded and used to help us navigate our environment from then on. However, we integrate a lot of information that is not actually reality tested including false beliefs about self and others and how to behave. Throughout the rest of our lives we use this perceptual frame of reference to guide and inform our decision-making process and how we relate to others. In Transactional Analysis we call these belief systems a ‘life script’, (Eric Berne) in other words during the first seven years or so of life we construct a script for our life and unconsciously seem to ‘live it out’ in adulthood. Whilst much of the script may contain accurate data, a large proportion contains inaccurate material and beliefs based upon misunderstandings. Due to how we process data, once we believe that we understand our environment, whenever we see data that disagrees with our beliefs we may well simply discount this as erroneous. (White board exercise with noticing typos in a well-known phrase or saying)
By expecting to see or hear patterns we may miss deviations from the pattern; we may insert the missing information in order to make sense of what we hear, instead of checking out the facts, or we may redefine what we hear. See the example below.
Now
is the
the time for
for all good men to
to come to the
aid of the
Party
Many people overlook the mistakes in the phrase because they recognise the pattern and can speed things up by 'skip reading' to the end. There are many variants of this kind of exercise to raise awareness to our tendency to see and hear what we expect to see. For example which line is the longer top or bottom?
Our eye tells us that the bottom line is longer, even after measuring it and discovering that it exactly the same length as the top line. This tendency to see the world the way we want to rather than how it is can keep us stuck for many years repeating self-defeating behaviours.
Drama Triangle
The Drama triangle (Stephen Karpman) is another way of looking at repetitive self-defeating behaviours or Games (Eric Berne)
Karpman says that we play games when we move onto one of the three positions in the triangle, Persecutor; Rescuer; Victim and the 'pay off' for the game comes when we shift positions on the triangle.
These 'roles' can be defined as:
PERSECUTOR:someone who enforces rules over rigidly, who puts others down; or who puts self into a 'one up' position.
RESCUER:someone who, in the guise of being helpful, makes others dependant; who sees others as being 'unable to help themselves'; or who puts others in the 'one down' position.
VICTIM:someone who puts self in the 'one down' position; or who claims victimisation when it is no present.
When moving onto the triangle our transactions will imply a discount of self and/or others.
When using the Drama Triangle to find a way out of ‘games’ it is helpful to think of changing ego states, (TA Berne) using the positive ego states that are 'missing' in the triangle. The Adult Ego State (our ability to think clearly) is helpful in analysing the 'Roles' involved in the game and deciding the best options for shifting off and staying off of the triangle.
Note: We are likely to have preferred roles on the drama triangle. Also it is possible to move from one role to another. It is in these role changes or switches that the feeling of 'high drama' is experienced at its most intense and we confirm our negative beliefs about self, others and the world (life).
After the small group discussions these and other points were discussed in a short plenary session. We then close by thinking about what all this could mean to us as Christians of whatever denomination. In Mathew 6:33 we read:
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”
What could this mean for us regarding change? I firmly believe that as Christians we are called not to judge others, but rather to live our lives to be a light to the world. The Kingdom of God for me is revealed when we live together as Christians showing a new way to relate to one another and revealing the Kingdom in such a way that others are drawn to Christ, rather than attempting to go out and bring others to Christ kicking and screaming. By loving God and loving our neighbour as ourselves (Mathew 22: 36 – 40) we can help to bring about world change by seeking to bring about change in the church. I believe St Paul leads us to this view by his take on the Jewish nation and the law, Jesus and the gentiles. Our task is to draw all nations to God by the way we live our lives, not just as individuals, but also collectively as the Church universal.
John Parr MSc is a Psychotherapist and management consultant, specialising in Communication Skills and Personality, Emotional Intelligence and all aspects of human behaviour in the work place. He has in the past been an electronic engineer, a probation officer and an HR Manager in multinational Electronic corporations. He can be contacted at He runs his own consulting business from Andover in Hampshire.