D E D I C AT E D P O L Y A M O R YAmsterdam,May2016
1. Introduction
On request,author reflects to our thoughts on group life and its implications. Apologies for non-native English.
Polyamory shall be more than pointless promiscuity. Sex makes us happy.It contributes to health and longevity. Sex obliges, is not a toy, but the resource of life itself.
We seek straight like-minded couples and experienced singles to build a reliable and committed group of various ages, children welcome.We have some clue as to how to do that in a way that no one shall feel caged, like we felt in conventional situations.VARIATION IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. Mental energy set free is the result.
Every intimate relationship is unique in its own way.Diversity yields unrivaled space for development.
Join us if you recognize yourselves in this.We are not ideological, knowing this is not for everyone.
“Instead of living within a restrictive set of rules, guiltily desiring secret things, we’re writing the rules together” (Emer O’Toole) .
Decades ago,notion grew that living in sizable yet assessable groups of intensely related adults is how evolution spawned homo sapiens. Why don’t we then? That is a long story, as a question already addressed by anthropologists like Margaret Mead and Bronislaw Malinowski. According to them, living as sexually isolated couples is ananomaly by culture, rather than natural behavior for our species.Intuitively, we like to think they are right. Sex is the ultimate resource of our existence and well-being.
The complexity of the polyamorous realm is pointed out here:
We appeal to experienced kindred spirits to participate in this discussion and be with us.
If you want to join, we will look together whether this is the real you – and your partner(s).
We primarily address those who are aware of their inevitably polyamorous nature.
Check whether polyamory is for the real you and not just a swingers fling:
Take these questions seriously and you and your partner(s) will find out .
Author’s own past as a communard during 1½ years left him ardently convinced.
Best of all was the communal upbringing of children from different parents. In spite of problems and break up, they are fine, even spectacular adults today. Communal sex closely follows on the list of good experience.
Sexual jealousy or preference have not been serious issues. Nevertheless, we had to break up, due to social differences.
Given this world and our conventional upbringing, a new attempt to realize an old notion is not for the naïve. Millennia of Christianity and other organizedoppression have left their marks upon us. Even the most aware will relapse into old “certainties” as old habits die hard.The resulting socio-Darwinian selective effect upon 100 or more generations works against our very selves.
Note this text: .
Lynn Saxon, though well-arguing does not basically support our core family criticism.
Apparently, there is more than one truth.Let us be humble and not assume universal validity for our position, still remaining to be ours.Maybe without realizing, we stood up to give our evolution a nicer, more harmonious twist.Who knows.
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2. Criticism of the core family (AKA 2’s relationship, nuclear family)
Definitions:
- - core family: a social unity consisting of 1 woman, 1 man and their own offspring
- - core exclusivity: sexual relationship is bound to the one and only
- - every(one/body): a vast majority of
- - basic group: poly lovers closely living together
- - cluster: basic groupsbelonging together
- - sex: any intimate exchange between the genders
- - metamours: same gender group members
- - compersion: happiness about partner’s happiness
- - polyfidelity: sexual, maybe emotional exclusivity to the group.
2.1 Instability
Many “settled” couples are prone to crisis and they know it. How they deal with itis the question. To overcome crisis is an evergreen. It is tragic to see how tedious the attempts are and how little lasting the results. To admit failure is not popular, as it requires 2 in good harmony. Lacking that capability, couples part in struggle and animosity. Statistics show the saddening truth. Children are the defenseless victims. Some couples manage to stay together for the sake of their offspring, being no bright example of satisfactory life style.Children tend to leave such families as soon as they can, trying to forget their upbringing.
About NL:
In order to interpret such figures right, it is necessary to take into account that since 1950 the population of The Netherlands almost doubled. For political reasons, this hardly gives insight in the difference between the (West-European) indigenous and incompatibly raised 3rd world immigrants.
About USA:
2.2 Suspicion
For many, the exclusive core relationship is not satisfactory in the long run. Most of us live long enough to have (had) more than one, moderately (un)successful attempt. As the pot calls the kettle black, we are frequently seduced to break the rules and are concerned about our partnerfor same.
For the monogamous, jealousy is the result of looming risk. Losing that one and only is downfall of a world. Suspicion is the essence ofmany “stable” core relationships. But many know, feel, or fear that we need more.
About cheating:
In “modern” societies there are group attempts, more or less tolerated, to break such vicious circles. Random promiscuity, swinging, polyamorous encounter groups, sexual nudism, bdsm, celebratory mutilation and more, aim at finding new belonging to greater intimacy and to overcome sexual jealousy. Thus far, the results are not overwhelmingly positive.
2.3 Perversions
In every normative “grand” society we see large spread of perversions. Of course, suppression of our real nature makes us seek compensation. Adultery, prostitution, child abuse, mental, physicalor material abuse of family members, alcoholism, workaholism, militarism, mind changing drug abuse andcrimes against life are some of the results. Steady deprivation applied to the juvenile may yield resignation and sublimation. Great achievements in arts, architecture, science and technology are often productsfrom crippled personalities. Is that right or wrong? I sure hope this is not the only resource, but every culture historian knows plenty of examples.
2.4 Surrogates
Critics may say, the community idea of sharing has been attempted by many flavors of religion, liberalism, socialism and communism.
Yet, as much as they differ, they all have the same 2 flaws:
- - Sharing sexuality is taboo and discussion is out of the question
- - They insist on a surreal social identity.
Such movements involve masses of people, too numerous for the individual to emotionally relate to.
Ideologies and nationalisms fill the gaps. We know where that goes.
2.5 Abuse of Power…
…comes as no surprise. A powerful state consists of millions of core families that depend on the mercy of some elite. Such elite uses mass timidity for their purposes and power games. Looking at the private lives within “those” circles, core family morale seems not to be taken seriously.
Meanwhile, strict family rules are inforced “downwards”. Law, religion, nationalism, any abstraction will do. Knowingly hazardous to masses well-being, this way privilegeis upheld.
Dissent like ours will strike nerves there. We shall be wary of their response.
2.6 Disasters
Let us have ashort look at the history of core family. Not a very long time ago, it was not for common people. Rather, power structures were forged by marriage, serving or strengthening some elite status quo.Lower classes seemed to abide by the same rules but only for the superficial observer.
Mind the enormous difference in longevity between high and low and we understand.
If the average age to die for low class is 35 or 40, given almost permanent state of pregnancy and breastfeeding for women, not even reaching the age of meno pause, there is just no time to think about the sense of life. With the upcoming manufactural and industrial societies, mass longevity slowly improved. With them, mass disasters also rose. Elites had to induce those in order to maintain privilegeunder changing circumstances.No need at this point to elaborate on the 19th and 20th centuries.
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3.So, now what?
Good question. Being where and what we are today, many of us have thehistorically unique but uneasy opportunity to choose how we want to live.Of course, weprimarilyaddress those that are aware of the foregoing criticism and who stronglyfeel the same. For we know: to leave the beaten track is not easy. Thresholds are to overcome. Those within each of us are most stubborn. After all, we are children of our upbringing and culture.In spite of awareness, it is hard to say goodbye to the alleged comfort of the well-known and to commit to new frontiers. Only few have the strength and decisiveness to be unflustered under any circumstances. For this reason we choose the warmand gradual approach towards each other.
Better health andpowerful zest for lifearethe promises ahead.
3.1 Genital Identity
..is a matter of course for the adult human being, that went through such process of awareness.
While we have to hide this aspect of ourselves in conventional environments, our notion of group life in self-defined surroundings makes it possible to be what we are. Ideally, we develop into overwhelmingly grand personalities. I have seen that happen more than once. Sounds almost like the ideal core family?
The core family is a structure that does not allow for personal growth. Partners feel vulnerable as stability requires stable partners. But people don’t evolve as planned or required. The result is timidity, everlasting concerns andguilt ridden existence,hardly suited forpersonal growth.
Only a sizable group ideally provides for the necessary embedding. See also:
Jealousy and gender competitioncan be addressed. Spooks of the past: be gone…
3.2 Multi-generational community
It is obvious, we differ in physical and mental condition. Different in age or standing, yet supportive of each other, the joy of raising children - in a group, that really is a joy, not a burden. Our power to create new life by living the mystery of gender sets us clearly hetero. The phlegmand stamina of youth, the sense and calm of age, the fantasy world of children, these make a community complete and keep it alive.
What about sexual solidarity?For the polyamorous, sex is the binder of community life. Traditionally we prefer age peers for sexual intercourse.Can tradition be overcome? Does preference stand in the way of joining us? Or must we live with this and not violate hard-wired nature?Also other similarities make us seek each other, such as culture, breeding fantasies/wishes, profession, philosophy, origin, employment, power of abstraction, artisticity, and etcetera.
On the other hand: dissimilarities too may have power of community forging.
What greater attraction and everlasting mystery than what the genders hold for us?Trivial, is it?
Other unlikely matches: geeks and hussies, nuns and bikers, brain surgeons and timber jugglers.
Keep it bright, lovers!
3.3 Clustering
Detailed prophecy how we will evolve is not possible. Apart from the poly notion that we share, the idea of clustering seems obvious. Meaning: Poly lovers, who intensely feel to belong together, shall share premises and their daily livesas a basic group. The multi-generational communitytakes shape by frequent and pleasurable gathering of such groups in order to enjoy each other’s lives in their endless variations. The perspective of mid-term, possibly temporary basic group members exchange is looming.
Serious poly commitment makes it possible.
Enjoy the poly lifestyle without the hazards of the jungle out there.
3.4 Pitfalls and dilemma’s
They are numerous. We can regret forever, but it does not help: in my long gone past, we failed by naivety.The practicianunavoidably learns: the devil is in the detail. The human psyche is tiered and profoundly complicated.Change of life style yields shift of identity with uncertain individual outcome.In order to not be unpleasantly surprised by ourselves under changing circumstances, some of us need to brace for change.
It is up to the community to help each other staying in touch with pleasure.
After all, fulfillment is what life is about.
Are we as a group capable to overcome doubts and crises with individual members, still remaining well-decided about the common mindset? We shall always keep in mind what is at stake.
Mind the jungle most of us live in:
Once the impact of polycommitment felt under our skins, there is no way back.
3.5Benefits
Blatantly simplifying:
3.5.1 No more boredom – Poly as we are by nature, we know our own diversity of possible manifestation, depending on any intimate encounter. Room for diversity is needed for personal growth.
3.5.2 No more hidden second lives – We welcomeeach other’s need for variety and are blunt about it.
We may expect openness and group support.
3.5.3 Relief of daily overload - Possible economic basis for such a community demands less from the individual. Shared facilities are more economic and versatile. Almost needless to say, the economic jungle to which the loner is exposed can easily be avoided. Real talent thrives betterwithout subjugation.
Shared capacity relieves the individual from tasks that do not suit character as others will fill in.
3.5.4 The joy of children – Easy, because there will always be some that like to involve.
No more duty without pleasure. Children sense that and will thrive spectacularly.
Children in a sizable group ideally develop together and just need general monitoring.
3.5.5 Group power – Whether this is about price negotiations, intrusion by “authorities”, or any other external force, being a group we stand stronger, even defiant.
3.6 Multiple fidelity
Sexual responsibility for each other….. Yeah, we have preferences. One encounter is more satisfying than another at any instant in time. Is this the result of immature identities, or is it just natural?
As we recommend exclusivity (no sex outside the cluster), we must deal with this.
From what I have seen in group settings, preferencesoothesover time.
We need methods to visualize the unique features of every like-minded individual.
We strive for ego’s to give wayto social identity.
3.7Phased growth …
3.8 Choice of methods …
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Kindred spirits, we call for your papers on this.
Do not hesitate to infer, twist, or argue.