Learning Objectives
- Better understand conflict from a leadership point of view.
- Acquire new tools for successfully managing conflict situations.
Norman Rockwell painting “The Scoutmaster”
It is a starlit night
The boys are all asleep in their perfectly pitched tents.
The Scoutmaster, who looks like a cross between Cary Grant
and John Wayne, is standing by the embers of the campfire.
He is deep in contemplation, his face serene and satisfied.
The message seems to be that the Scoutmaster is utterly competent in all that he does.
On the other hand, the message could just as well be that the only moment of peace and quiet the poor man gets is when the entire troop is unconscious!
- Where was Rockwell earlier in the day when the Scoutmasterwas shouting things like, “Hey, you kids stop poking that bear with that stick!”?
- Where is the painting of the Cubmastertrying to calm parents upset over the outcome of a pinewood derby?
- Where is the portrait of the Varsity Scout Coachtrying to get a team to stop arguing over the officiating of an intersquad basketball game?
- Where is the image of the Venturing Crew Advisorattempting to sort out the differences between several crew members on the first day of a two-week adventure?
- What about the District Committeememberconfronted with a seemingly unresolvable argument between others on the committee?
What are some ways that we can better manage conflict?
Ways to Manage Conflict
Have patrol members discuss
“What are some ways that we can better manage conflict?”
Leadership is easy when everything is going well—or when everybody is sound asleep.
Much of the rest of the time, leadership involves managing conflict by:
- Finding common ground among individuals
- Providing tools for people to settle their own disputes
- And, on rare occasions, stepping in to make unilateral
decisions
Conflict Management Exercise
Let’s begin our exploration of conflict management with this exercise.
Get with a partner. One of you makes a fist.
The other has two minutes to convince the first to open that fist.
(Give participants a couple of minutes to do this.)
What happened? Did anyone manage to convince the other to open the fist?
Whether successful or not, what strategies did you try?
POSSIBLE STRATEGIES
•Bribery— “I’ll give you five dollars if you open your fist.”
•Concern— “It doesn’t matter to me if you open your fist, but unless you do, you won’t be able to pick anything up.”
•Persuasion— “I like your hands better open than closed.”
•Interest— “I’m curious to see what’s inside your fist.”
•Straightforwardness— “Hey, open your fist!”
The point of this exercise is to remind us that we can’t make people do anything they don’t want to do. If you ask a Scout, or a coworker, or a family member, or an adult colleague in Scouting to do something and they refuse, you can’t force them to do it. There must be boundaries and rules, of course, and we’ll talk about that in a moment, but the bottom line is you can’t coerce someone to do something.
How do you convince a child of 5 or 6 that it is time to put away the toys and take a bath?(Let the group offer suggestions.)
•Rewards— “you can read a book after your bath”, “you can bring one toy into the tub”, “you can fire up the massage jets”, etc.
•Punishment —Time out. Take away a toy. It is a “power struggle” situation.
The same sort of situation often happens between a boss and an employee or between a leader and a Scout.
Ultimately, you can only empower yourself.Then, within boundaries, you can encourage others to act in
certain ways.
Be Aware of Yourself
The first thing to do in any relationship, but especially one that may
involve conflict, is to look at yourself. Why is the issue at hand
important to you? In the great scheme of things, does it really matter
whether the other person opens his or her fist? Does the child really
need a bath?
Example: Use example from Staff Guide page 268 (Scoutmaster wants dinner at camp at specific time; learns to have a snack until boys make dinner on their own schedule).
What the Scoutmaster had stumbled upon was the self-resolving conflict—a situation that, if given time, will work itself out without confrontation or argument. The Scoutmaster realized that he was attempting to impose his schedule on a group that was in favor of the ultimate outcomebut resisted the time frame. When the Scoutmaster understood the larger picture and took steps to alter his role in it, the problem went away.
When are people most likely to do what you ask them to do, especially if it is something they are less than excited about?
Be Aware of Others
Have patrol members discuss “When are people most likely to do what
you ask them to do, especially if it is something they are less than
excited about?”
•When they trustyou
•When they have experience with youand have found you to be a
reliable leader and ally
•When they understand that you are making decisions for the good of the group
•Most of all, when they sense that you care about them
On Day One, we discussed the importance of Listening to Learn.
•Listening is the most important skill in resolving any conflict, whether the conflict involves you as a participant or as a moderator.
•Unless you make a conscious effort to listen, you will miss vital facts and beliefs that could lead to a satisfactory resolution.
Consider this story: Use story from Staff Guide page 268 (woman on flight is struggles to get past man who will not move to let her get to her seat; she discovers he has been in an accident recently and it is difficult for him to get up and down).
Set the Scene for Cooperative Resolutions
- Listening to peopleand
- Paying attention to themis an essential step for
- Establishing a relationshipin which cooperation can occur.
Think back to the Who Me Gamewe did earlier in this course.
Think of how you and others in your patrol have shared information about yourselves with one another. Remember the experiences you have shared in the last few days. Those are all points of contact, connections that provide a foundation of trust, understanding, and familiarityfor further communicationand, if necessary, for resolving conflicts.
In real estate, the rule is “Location, location, location!” In leadership, and especially when dealing with conflict, the bottom line is “Involvement, involvement, involvement!”
As a leader, the more you have shared with those you lead, the greater your chances of finding cooperative resolutions for conflicts.
Developing that kind of connection cannot happen overnight, though. It is one of the ongoing challenges and rewards of good leadership.
The Most Important Question
Recognize this question from the Communication on Day Two?
Whenever you work with people, the most important question to
ask them is,“What do you want?”
Think about that.
•When was the last time somebody askedyou that?
•When was the last time somebody really listenedto your answer?
For example, as a presenter I want this presentation to go well.But if it isn’t, then what? What can I do?
•I can lash out at you and demand that you pay attention.
•I can start crying or throw a temper tantrum
•I can plead with you to cheer me on and support me.
•I can run away.
•Or, I could ask for suggestions about how this could go better.
So the first question in working with someone is: “What do you want?”
The Most Important Follow-Up Questions
Once you’ve gotten the answer to “What do you want?” there are three follow-up questions:
- “What are you willing to do to get what you want?”
- “Is what you are doing working?”
- “Do you want to figure out another way?”
Think about the powerof these questions when asked in this order.
•The first one focuses people’s attention on what their real needs are and helps you see more clearly other people’s points of view.
•The subsequent questions put responsibility on other peopleto be a party in examining where they are and then in finding pathways to reach where they want to be.
Questions 2 and 3 are vital. Don’t skip them.They are questions that empowerpeople.
They help people figure things out on their ownand discover their own path.
So give them the time and encouragement to do it.
Too often we skip these questions. We ask, “What do you want?” and then jump immediatelyto avariation of question 4, telling someone what we think they should do.
Question 4 gives them a way to invite you to helpthem explore other approaches to a problem. It encourages a cooperative effort—working together to help everyone get what they want.
Remember, you can’t control another person—you can’t open the fist of a person who refuses to open it.
But you can persuade. You can join forces with him or her in a mutual search. You can encourage him or her to become an active seeker after meaningful answers.
Effective Communication in Conflict Situations
In the session on Communication, we noted that there is much more to conveying a message
than just the words. Body language and tone of voice send powerful messages.
For example, I can ask the most important question in four different ways and convey at least
four different messagesabout my attitude and my willingness to work together toward a
solution.
Whatdo you want?What doyou want?What do youwant?What do you want?
Counselors and conflict mediatorsare trained to manage their emotionsso that they can be as objective as possible. That allows them to view a situation for what it is rather than to allow their anger or excitement or some other emotion to dictate their reactions.Most of us here haven’t had that kind of in-depth training. However, simplybeing aware of the need to step awayfrom our emotional responses can help us react more effectivelywhen a situation involves conflict.
•Stay Objective– if anger or frustration are clouding your ability to see an issue objectively, step backfor a minute, hour, or even day or more.
•Manage Tone of Voice– Parenting trick of counting to 10before reacting
•Monitor Body Language– Pay attention to how you are presenting yourself. One trick is to pay attention to your breathing for a few moments. When we are under stress, we often take rapid, shallow breaths. A few slow, deep breaths can refresh your brain with oxygen and help you focus more clearly.
•Create Positive Present– Work on issues in the presentand the future, not in the past. Rather than looking for blame and recrimination, steer conversations toward seeking solutions.
Any time you feel that you aren’t making progress or that you don’t know what to do next, return to the basic four questions:
- What do you want?
- What are you doing to get what you want?
- Is it working?
- Do you want to figure out another way?
Negotiating Limits and Rules
Are you law-abiding? Do you follow the rules?
(Most people will say yes.)
When the freeway speed limit says 70 mph, do you drive 75? 78? If so, why?
If a meeting is set to start at 8:00 A.M., do you arrive at 8:05? Is that OK? Are you still law-abiding? Are you still “following the rules”?
Let’s look at a couple of scenarios…
Scenario 1
The parents of a 16-year-old boy set his Saturday night curfew at
midnight.
The first week, he comes in at 12:05. Is that OK? The parents trust him and they are so glad that he is home safe that they accept the late arrival and say nothing about it.
The next Saturday, he comes in at 12:15. The parents are again relieved that he is home and safe, and so again they say nothing.
The next week, he comes in at 12:30, and the parents freak out. They give him their very best lecture about trust and responsibility. The boy’s eyes glaze over as he listens.
What time will he come in next? Probably about 12:20. He splits the difference between what he understood was OK and what he knows is not. 12:15 was OK, 12:30 was not, so the real curfew time (originally set at midnight) must actually be somewhere around 12:20.
What’s the lessonhere?
Four Questions of Conflict Resolution
The lesson is, if there are limits that you expect group members
to respect, you need to be clear about what those boundaries
are and then stick to them.
One of the best methods of doing that is to involve the groupin determining those limits. You can use the four basic questions of conflict resolution to establish standards that may deter conflict from occurring.
- As a leader, what do you want?
- What does your group want?
- Where is there common ground for agreement?
- What are the factors that may prove non-negotiable?
Scenario 2
Here’s another scenario. On a Scout hike, three or four of the older Scouts speed ahead of the rest of the group. When they get tired, they stop and wait for the others to catch up, but as soon as the others do, the older Scouts take off again. To make this scenario more interesting, let’s have the Scouts hiking in grizzly bear country.
Are there reasons why this should concern you, the leader?
•There’s a safety issue. If someone becomes injured or lost or happens upon a bear, the group is split up and will be less able to cope with the situation.
•Dividing the group can damage group moraleand team building.
•Dividing the group makes it more difficult to provide appropriateleadership.
You gather the older Scouts to discuss the situation and try to find an acceptable solution. In resolving this conflict, you can begin by encouraging a cooperative approach. If that fails, then you can use another leadership tool— the directive approach.
A Cooperative Approach
•The ideal approachto a conflict resolution
•Engages everyoneon an equal basis
•Helps them come up with a solution on their own
We’ve already seen how this can work by asking the four questions:
- What do you want?
- What are you doing to get what you want?
- Is it working?
- Do you want or need to figure out another way?
The older boys may…
•Be eager for some time alone
•Want to hike fast for the sake of hiking fast
When the older boys hear you answer the same four questions, they may discover the importance of staying together for safety, for effective leadership, and for group morale.
Given the chance the older boys may have some good ideas. Perhaps:
•For duration of this hike they will stay with the rest of the group and be
supportive of the younger Scouts.
•At future date, organize an older Scout hike, or perhaps even organize a Varsity Scout squad or Venture patrol in the troop.
A Directive Approach
Sometimes cooperation fails.[Reference previous scenario; scouts continue to hike ahead of the group.]
Leaders sometimes must make the decision that certain behavior will not be tolerated.Perhaps the most dramatic instances are when safety is being compromisedand someone must take action immediately.
“Stop swinging that axe right now, and I mean right now!”Once the axe is out of the Scout’s hands, you can begin discussing the dangers of chopping while barefooted.
Rather than four questions, a direct approach to conflict resolution is built on four statements:
- This is what I want.
- This is what I understand you are doing.
- This is why that isn’t working for me.
- Here’s what I need for you to do.
End result is an immediate change in behavior.This approach gives leaders tools to explain themselves and provide a basis for a decision. It allows a leader and group members to interact on a healthy level, and it provides an opportunityfor direct decisionstoevolveinto a more cooperativeapproach.
Being able to step in and set boundaries is easier if leaders have established a relationship of trust and understanding.
Leader Contract With A Group
Leaders who have taken the time to listen and learnand to care fortheir groups will have a much easier time negotiating with group members and individuals to determine the needs and reach solutions for everyone, leaders included.
Be open with people in your group about your understanding of your responsibilities and what you expect from them.
At its most basic, the contract between leaders and those who are led is:
My Job Is / Your Job Is•To do all I can to ensure your safety.
•To help you get the most out of this experience.
•To be honest with you and treat you with respect / •To tell me when you don’t feel safe.
•To help me ensure your safety.
•To be honest with me and treat me with respect.
Ideas we don’t share often enough with others include these:
•“If I’m doing something that bothers you, I’d like you to tell me in a respectful way.”