Michael A. Shelley’s
Ratte on a Sticke
August 1999
“The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.” -- Frank Zappa
Since our CM was kind enough to send an e-mail reminder, I’ll decided to beat some electrons into submission and make them into pretty shapes that I can print out and mail. But I got this instead.
Status Report of sorts
I’m not in Saudi Arabia yet. Still nothing definite on schedule, but some lady in Phoenix is getting me a visa, so I’ll probably go. She filled out the application for me, and put down ‘Baptist’ for my religion. Which it isn’t. I asked, and she says ‘None’ won’t be accepted by the Saudi government, so I’ll have her change it to Presbyterian. Which is also inaccurate, but more palatable than Baptist.
All the flowers we planted earlier this year are dead. Well, that’s not quite true. Half of them are dead. Lack of rain and 100˚ F heat did them in. The ones that are left don’t look too happy. The lawn, on the other hand, is doing alright despite being torn up in spots by the dog. I think she’s looking for toads to torment.
Mandatory Dog News
Said dog starts obedience training this month (August). As of this writing, we’ve gone to the first class – the one where you don’t bring the dog – and learned what the competition was. Several Labrador retrievers, another beagle, a Dalmatian, two yip dogs (Yorkie and cairn terriers) and I forget what else.
We even went to the Astroworld Series of Dog Shows in late July. Now Amanda wants a bulldog to keep Beasley company. Or a Tibetan spaniel. Or a cocker. . .more details below.
Recent Activities
We spent the weekend of July 4th in Fredericksburg, TX at a bed and breakfast. Neither of us had been there before. (Or to a B&B, for that matter.) Fredburg is the best-known of several towns founded by German immigrants in the 19th century, and was the birthplace of Admiral Chester Nimitz. (We didn’t get to the museum, and therefore missed the demonstration of one of the few working WWII vintage flamethrowers in Texas.)
Anyhow, a nice place to get out of town. Lots of touristy shops (not much worth buying, if you ask me), a couple of wineries, an herb farm, plenty of older (1920s and earlier – old for here) houses, and some very good ice cream. The staff at some of the businesses speak German, although my high school exposure to the language has pretty much faded. I caught about every third word.
We went to a cowboy church service, which is something that happens on occasion in the western US. Not bad, although our shorts and t-shirts weren’t quite proper attire. A pretty decent pick-up band, shady seating, and it didn’t last too long. Although John Hancock did not write the Declaration of Independence, whatever that minister thinks.
There’s also a dulcimer (Appalachian, not hammered) factory in town, but we didn’t get there. I was expecting to spend $200 or so on one for Amanda, but she let me off easy and we just got a kit for $25. Okay, so it’s just a cardboard box with a fretboard, but it sounds pretty good.
Hey, we went to Atlanta! (I’d forgotten; early June was a long time ago.) Amanda’s uncle was undergoing radiation treatment for throat cancer, so we flew out to see him. He’s finished treatment and seems to be doing okay. Stayed with Amanda’s brother’s family, and saw my cousin Steve and his wife. Steve and I played golf (badly); it was good seeing them again. Latest status report (mid-August) has him eating solid food, but his voice is permanently damaged. But that could be due to all those cigarettes.
Amanda’s uncle lives in Hampton, south of Atlanta, and it looks like just about every other small town in the southeastern US that’s seen better days. They have a NASCAR track, though, so the town isn’t doing too badly. NASCAR (stock car racing, for those unfamiliar with it) is one of the most-watched sports in the country. Along with wrestling, if that’s a sport. Draw your own conclusions.
Some Movies and Stuff
In no particular order. Probably on video by the time you read this. If you haven’t seen any of them, you haven’t missed much.
Mystery Men – Not bad, although it seems to be getting poor reviews. Definitely not great, but not terrible. Plenty of flatulence humor, so be forewarned if pre-teen boys are going to see it.
Austin Powers II – Much better than the first, which dragged terribly in spots. A real plot, but mostly just an excuse for goofy humor.
Wild Wild West – Disappointing. I didn’t watch the original TV series, but it had to have been better than this.
The Haunting – Stupid. Okay for the first half, but then the story just falls apart and degenerates into a chase. Cool effects (from Spielberg and company).
Muppets From Space – Given that it’s a Muppet movie, pretty decent. Not the worst in this list.
Bowfinger – Not as bad as I expected. Another not-great movie, but not terrible. Some of the supporting cast was pretty good, namely the camera crew, the scriptwriter (not the real scriptwriter, who was Steve Martin, but the guy who plays the scriptwriter), and Betsy the dog.
Star Wars – Has anyone not seen this? Did I already write about it? Has anyone found a plot yet?
As an aside, I saw a pretty good article someplace on the differences between the Star Wars and Star Trek universes. SW was depicted as dictatorial, where the only good government was a strong monarchy or empire, and ST seen as more democratic in that the heroes were only ten times more competent than the average person.
Warning: At some of these movies, I’ve seen a preview for Dudley Do-Right, with Brendan Fraser. This looks like one to avoid like the plague.
Other things coming up: Patrick Stewart is supposed to be involved in an upcoming X-Men movie, presumably as Professor Xavier. I’d seen something on a trio of LOTR movies, but I forget what. Not the Ralph Bakshi 1978 animated version (cowritten by Peter S. Beagle), but a new one. Lots of info at Apparently it’s being made in New Zealand, with the NZ army as extras. But I’m always a bit suspicious of pop culture info found on the web.
Some Book Opinions
Well, I have to revise last issue’s opinion of Neal Stephenson. He still doesn’t know how to end a book. The Diamond Age just sort of fell apart at the conclusion, and left me just sort of confused. That one will probably go to Half-Price Books on the next trip. Which is too bad, as I really enjoyed it up to that point. Lots of neat ideas, with the consequences pretty well thought-out.
I spent an hour looking for my copy of Kay’s Tigana, then realized that I didn’t own one. So I went out and bought one, and read it. It’s still good.
If I’ve read anything else, it didn’t make much of an impression on me. I’ve just finished Bruce Sterling’s A Good Old-Fashioned Future, which is a collection of short stories. One story, The Littlest Jackal, seems awfully familiar. I’ll have to see if I have a copy of it already. I enjoyed all of them in varying degrees. He’s got a new novel out, but after Holy Fire, I’ll wait for the paperback.
I Think I’m Gonna Uke
Yes, I broke down and bought a cheap Chinese ukulele. The only instrument that’s supposed to be easier to play than the recorder. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it’s pretty easy to get going on it. The really frightening thing is that Amanda and I already know all the songs in the instruction book I got – “By the Light of the Silvery Moon,” “And the Band Played On,” “Bicycle Built for Two,” “Alexander’s Ragtime Band,” and the like. Or maybe it’s more frightening that I sound a lot like Arthur Godfrey. Photos of me with a handlebar mustache in a seersucker suit and straw boater will be forthcoming. (Not! Besides, mustaches don’t wear suits.)
A Dog Show
Just a quick word or two on the Astroworld Series of Dog Shows. We’d never been to one, and were mainly going for the flyball and agility tournaments. I never realized that flyball was so loud. Basically, two teams of four dogs run a relay race over four jumps, grab a tennis ball, and return. What I didn’t know was that the dogs bark continuously the whole time, with dogs on the sidelines cheering them on (really, that’s what it looked like.) With two heats going simultaneously, that’s sixteen dogs, plus some, all making as much noise as possible. In a concrete building with no soundproofing. This was, of course, the first thing we saw as we entered the show. Our hearing didn’t recover for at least a couple of hours.
Dog agility is slightly quieter, in that only one dog at a time works, and not all of them bark. Border collies dominate the flyball competitions, and Shelties make up a large proportion of the agility dogs. We’d been considering one or the other for Beasley once she gets some basic obedience training under her belt, and what we saw was encouraging. One flyball team had four dogs that were incapable of completing a run (missing jumps, forgetting to get the ball, going only partway before returning, etc.) And if a bulldog can compete in agility, so can a beagle. Admittedly, the bulldog got to the top of the a-frame obstacle and stopped, but that’s beside the point.
I looked at some of the conformance rings, where dogs are just shown. Too much grooming effort for me, but even I could appreciate the work that’s gone into it. Afghan hounds that look like they’re wearing bellbottoms as they trot, Boston terriers that look like they were practically clones of one another, and a basset that convinced me that that’s one breed I don’t want to live with. Those dogs are a lot bigger than I expected.
San Con 6
We went to this after the dog show, in the same day. Don’t try this at home, as we were wiped out.
Not much happening, really. I played some games; I went home. Nothing I couldn’t have done outside the convention atmosphere. This was a gaming-only affair, no guests of honor (first draft said ‘horror’), art rooms, or anything. If I had half a brain, I would have gotten phone numbers or other contact information from people so that I could get together with them, but I forgot. There was a video room, but I didn’t check it out. Real exciting, huh?
Nonsensical Comments in Response to Well-Thought-Out Statements Appearing in Elanor 130 (in no particular order)
Amy – On rereading last issues mailing comments, I guess it did sound rather more negative than I had intended. But the song combines religion and nationalism, which I feel is a pretty bad mix, and it pushes my buttons, so to speak. But enough of that.
The only colonial composer I know of is William Billings, who wrote “Chester” and a bunch of other revolutionary hymns and songs. (Rather a lot like Lee Greenwood, actually, but I can tolerate his music somewhat better.) Billy Joel I actually like pretty well, although I don’t have any of his albums. (I think Amanda has “Glass Houses” on vinyl. It’s stored with the Barry Manilow live album and some old Styx.) But then I have no taste, as is evidenced back on page 2.
Arthur – Hi. I liked the column. I have no other comments.
John L – Congrats on your SCA accomplishments. I entered only two bardic competitions in the however-many years I was in the Society, but didn’t feel like I did too well because I don’t have the personality to get up in front of people and perform. (It’s a bit better now, after the X-rated movie career.) I seem to recall placing second in one event, and won the music portion of another, but that may have been due to familiarity with the judges. Personally, I always preferred historical (i.e. written in-period) works to the modern ones, but popular opinion disagreed with me. But then, Ansteorra is known for dumb stick-jocks (no insult intended), not for bards.
That’s it, even though I ended on an odd-numbered page. Maybe the editor can fix it.