Madonna S Daughter, Lourdes Leon, Has Enrolled at the University of Michigan. Lourdes Can
THE BITS…
Madonna’s daughter, Lourdes Leon, has enrolled at the University of Michigan. Lourdes can expect to be exposed to lots of cheap, easy, casual sex…then she’ll leave her mom’s house and go off to college.
The reality show Big Brother returned to TV last night. It involves a group of people living under 24-hour video surveillance. Apparently they got the idea for the show from the NSA.
Rumor has it that Justin Bieber has started doing cocaine. However, Bieber says he doesn’t use cocaine; he just likes the smell of it.
Rumor has it that Jenny McCarthy may not be asked to return to “The View” next season. Apparently Jenny failed to immunize herself from being fired.
North Korea is promising a merciless counter-measure if the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie The Interview is released because it’s about the assassination of leader Kim Jong Un. If only they’d up put such a fight to stop the movie Pompeii.
President Obama welcomed NASCAR champion Jimmie Johnson to the White House yesterday. Unfortunately, the ceremony was interrupted when GM announced Johnson’s car had been recalled.
House Speaker John Boehner has announced that he plans to sue President Obama. You can tell Boehner is serious because he’s threatening to take the case all the way to Judge Judy.
House Speaker John Boehner has announced that he plans to sue President Obama. Finally, someone in Congress is doing something to put lawyers back to work.
SON OF THE BITS…
The 2014 NBA Draft takes place tonight and the first pick will go to the Cleveland Cavaliers. The player they choose will then have to pretend he’s happy to be going to the Cleveland Cavaliers.
The 2014 NBA Draft takes place tonight. With their first pick, the Los Angeles Clippers are expected to select a new owner.
A new study finds casual sex might actually be good for you. I’m just lucky to get casual Fridays.
A new study finds casual sex might actually be good for you. That’s the problem with kids these days. No one gets dressed up and has formal sex anymore.
The iconic Goodyear Blimp has gotten a makeover. They say it’s the biggest blimp makeover since the dramatic weight loss of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
Archaeologists in Spain have found what they say is the world's oldest human poop dating back some 50,000 years. It broke the previous record for oldest human poop found by Roto-Rooter at Hugh Hefner’s mansion.
Archaeologists in Spain have found what they say is the world's oldest human poop dating back some 50,000 years. They also found a couple of old farts in Applebees.
Hospitals in China have installed machines to extract sperm from men. We have something similar here in America. It’s called Paris Hilton.
Hospitals in China have installed machines to extract sperm from men. The only thing I’ve ever had extracted from me at the hospital is my money.
TODAY’S AUDIO…
Today on the Bitman audio feed we have clips from Big Brother and So You Think You Can Dance, plus a late night round up with Dave, The Jimmys, Craig, Seth and Conan.
Plus more from Pamela Furr and the Bitman audio archive! It’s all at BitmanComedy.com in the Subscribers area
Not hearing anything? TV Sound bites are available at BitmanComedy.com! If you need access to the site, contact Adrienne Munos at United Stations Radio Network at 561-381-7598 or
TINSELTOWN TATTLER…
Will it be one season and done for JENNY MCCARTHY on The View? Jenny’s contract is up for renewal in July and ABC reportedly doesn’t plan to re-new. Sources say, “Jenny just didn’t appeal to the daytime audience market. They couldn’t relate to her.” For the record, the network said, “Jenny has been a welcome addition to the show.” Word is that Jenny’s controversial anti-vaccine stance, which she tried to deny, may be her downfall.
Apparently KIM andKHLOÉ KARDASHIAN haven’t spoken to brother ROB KARDASHIAN since he bailed on Kim's wedding last month. A source tells Radar Online Rob now“has no reason to talk to Kim. They haven’t been on good terms for a very long time.” They sayKim hasn’t even tried to talk to him since returning from her honeymoon, while Khloe’s text messages and voice mails haven’t been returned. Meanwhile, Khloe and Kourtney ran afoul of residents of the Hamptons after they filmed a scene for their show on a beach without a permit. Officials have urged citizens to call the police if they’re caught filming on the beach again.
The buzz is that JUSTIN BIEBER has started doing cocaine and has gotten SELENA GOMEZ to do it as well. A video is supposedly being shopped to the tabloids that show them doing lines at Hollywood hotspot 1Oak last week. However, they say the video is pretty dark and fuzzy. Meanwhile, Bieber is being sued for allegedly hitting a pedestrian while driving his Ferrari on the Sunset Strip a year ago. The guy claims he suffered numerous injuries and has been stuck with medical bills. Justin was investigated for hit-and-run at the time, but was cleared.
TINSELTOWN TATTLER 2…
Accusations of lip-synching are nothing new for BRITNEY SPEARS, but now Radar Online has gotten their hands on a complaints log for Britney’s Piece of Me show at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. One audience member said that after watching “the lethargic dancing along with the terrible miming…we decided to leave the venue. The show was shockingly fake and Britney looked bored as hell, to put it bluntly.” A supposed Planet Hollywood insider said, “There have been so many complaints over Britney’s lip syncing, action had to be taken. Now, her microphone is switched on throughout certain songs.” Sources also say the crew is also getting ticked because “Britney is constantly late and has to be rushed into hair and makeup with 20 minutes or less to go before show time.” Meanwhile, it’s reported that Britney and her legal assistant boyfriend, David Lucado, have broken up. Word has it that it happened a while ago, but no word on what caused it.
It’s now reported that Andrew Stern, the husband of former "Deal or No Deal" briefcase model KATIE CLEARY, first tried to commit suicide back in April, just days after he filed for divorce. Stern left L.A. and went home to his parents in Ohio where Andrew's mom was so worried that she called 911 and told the dispatcher he was going to end his life either by going into a garage with the car engine on, or going to a local firing range and shooting himself. Luckily, firing range employees turned Stern away because he seemed unstable and he was taken to a hospital for mental observation. Andrew later told authorities he was having suicidal thoughts because Katie left him a few weeks before. As you may know, Stern went to a California firing range over the weekend where he committed suicide.
It looks like CHRIS BROWN will go to trial over his alleged Washington, DC assault. Brown’s legal team and prosecutors were unable to reach a plea agreement. Prosecutors say they offered a deal for Brown to plead guilty to simple assault and time served, but his attorney says they couldn't agree on a statement of facts about what happened. Brown’s trial is scheduled to begin September 8th.
TINSELTOWN TATTLER 3…
So, a guy walks into a bar and DAVID BECKHAM and TOM CRUISE are sitting in a corner, having a drink. That was actually the scene at The Cow pub in London, near the upscale Notting Hill neighborhood. They were engrossed in conversation and didn’t notice when a scuffle broke out between two people trying to take their photo. Neither one had an entourage and they were sharing a bottle of red wine, while David also had a pint of Guinness. They first met in the early 2000s and the Beckhams even named their son Cruz for Tom.
ANDERSON COOPER was reporting on that American exchange student that had to be rescued after he got stuck in a giant sculpture of a vagina in Germany and giggled as he paused to say, "I'm certainly no expert on the topic of vaginas...They really aren't my wheelhouse, so to speak. But I know enough to know that you're not supposed to go in feet first."
The North Korean government says ‘a merciless counter-measure will be taken’ if the U.S. government allows the new JAMES FRANCO and SETH ROGEN movie to be released. It’s called The Interview and it’s about a talk show host and a producer who score an interview with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and are asked by the U.S. government to assassinate him. However, North Korea has said Kim Jong-un will most likely see the movie.
JAY Z and BEYONCE kicked off their joint tour in Miami last night amid nagging rumors about marriage trouble. Word is that Jay has been cheating, with names such as Mya, Rita Ora, and Rihanna popping up. It was reported that elevator incident with Solange happened because she felt Jay had something going on with designer Rachel Roy. Those rumors ramped up when Jay Z and Beyonce skipped Kim Kardashian’s wedding, supposedly because Rachel Roy is a very close friend of Kim’s and would be at the ceremony. The rumor mill has it that Jay and Beyonce are attending marriage counseling and trying to work out their problems.
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD…
JILLIAN MICHAELS is leaving THE BIGGEST LOSER…again. Michaels was with the show when it debuted in 2004, but left in 2006, returned in 2007 and left again in 2011. Jillian missed seasons 12 and 13, but returned for 14 and the most recent 15th season. Michaels said she wasn’t happy with the shocking weight loss of Rachel Frederickson and wanted to distance her name from the show.
DIANE SAWYER is leaving the ABC World News anchor desk. David Muir will take over as anchor on September 2nd.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER may return to TV in the cop drama Busted. It’s based on the book Busted: A Tale Of Corruption And Betrayal In The City Of Brotherly Love, about one of the biggest police corruption scandals in Philadelphia’s history.
With the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK tanking in the ratings, it’s rumored that Bravo plans to fire the entire cast except for Ramona Singer. Aviva Drescher might escape the axe, but would see her screen time reduced. Word has it that auditions for new housewives are already underway.
Actor ELI WALLACH has died at the age of 98. Wallach appeared in dozens of movies, but is perhaps best known for the role of Tuco in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, where he starred alongside Clint Eastwood. While never nominated for an Oscar, he was given an honorary Academy Award in 2010.
CALEB BANKSTON, who was a competitor last year on SURVIVOR: BLOOD VS WATER with fiance Colton Cumbie, was killed yesterday when the train he was working aboard derailed. Bankston was inspecting something between two of the cars and was crushed to death.
MUSIC NOTES…
Here are last week’s top 10 albums (with sales figures) according to Billboard magazine…
1. Lana Del Rey - Ultraviolence - 182,000
2. Sam Smith - In the Lonely Hour - 166,000
3. Linkin Park - The Hunting Party - 110,000
4. Soundtrack - Frozen - 42,000
5. Willie Nelson - Band of Brothers - 37,000
6. Miranda Lambert - Platinum - 34,000
7. Jack White - Lazaretto - 33,000
8. Jennifer Lopez - A.K.A. - 33,000.
9. Deadmau5 - while(1<2) - 30,000
10. Brantley Gilbert - Just As I Am - 26,000
AEROSMITH’S STEVEN TYLER raised some eyebrows when he showed up at Milan Men’s Fashion Week wearing what was described as a white maxi dress. (See here)
PHIL COLLINS is one of the foremost collectors of artifacts from The Alamo, but he’s now giving his entire collection to the Texas General Land Office. Collins’ collection is thought to be valued in the tens of millions of dollars and includes documents from Sam Houston, William B. Travis and Stephen F. Austin; uniforms and weapons; a shot pouch thought to have belonged to Davy Crockett and a sword belt believed to have been worn by Travis when he died during the battle.
MUSIC NOTES 2…
CROSBY, STILLS & NASH will revive their “covers project” album after they wrap up their current concert tour in October. They began work on the project in 2010, but shelved it a couple years later when producer Rick Rubin and David Crosby got into an argument.
STEPHEN STILLS is in the process of writing a memoir. Stills is compiling the stories he wants to use in the book, but has hit a snag while working on the book on his tour bus. Stills says, "I've learned you can't write on a computer on a bus. It jiggles too much, especially an Apple. They keyboard jiggles around too much and there are too many typos. You spend all your time backing up.” Stills plans to get an old school Selectric typewriter because it’s heavy and you can hit it hard.
ARETHA FRANKLIN is still working on her upcoming divas covers album, but it might be tough to meet the planned September release date. Aretha has five songs done, a sixth in motion and four more to go. Next up for Aretha is a cover of Adele's "Rolling in the Deep".
THE YEAH YEAH YEAHS’ KAREN O will release her first-ever solo album called "Crush Songs" on September 9th. Karen says that when she was 27 she was crushed a lot and wasn't sure she'd ever fall in love again and these songs were written and recorded in private around this time.
MTV will bring back Total Request Live for one day next Wednesday with ARIANA GRANDE. She’ll perform ‘Problem’ on what’s being called Total Ariana Live. She’ll also debut her new single and talk about her next album.