Lesson 16 – Part 1: Parenting

Introduction:

The plan for the next two weeks:

  1. An exegesis of Ephesians 6:1-4
  2. More detail about the nurturing aspect of parenting
  3. Finish the topic of discipline
  4. Move into specifics of what to teach your children and how to teach them
  5. Draw the contrast between what God’s Word has said and what man has said and see if there are any inconsistencies in our parenting.

II.An exegesis of Ephesians 6:1-4

Ephesians 6:1-4:Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

  1. Ephesians 6:1 –“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
  1. “Children” (teknon) – refers to both ______and toddlers
  2. “Obey” (hupakouo) – “to hear” or “to heed” — listen ______, conforming to a command, inward attitude of ______and ______, and external acts of obedience
  3. “In the Lord” ______the Lord’s sake

d.“This is right” – God is always honored and glorified when we obey what He has commanded. That’s what makes it “right.”

  1. Ephesians 6:2 - “Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise”
  1. “Honor” (timao) – Reverent honor, includes attitude. This honor rules out obedience that involves reluctance, anger, defiance, complaining, whining, grumbling, murmuring, and below the breath comments. In this case, disciplining the ______could be more important than the behavior.

From John MacArthur in his book, What the Bible Says About Parenting, “So it’s a powerful word suggesting that children should hold parents in awe and the deepest respect, so that there is a right attitude behind a right act, with the act of obedience always precipitated by an attitude of honor and reverential respect.”

From Ted Tripp in His book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, “A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in the heart is not commendable; it is condemnable.”

  1. Honor is the position of one’s ______. Whether they are obeying or disobeying, we ought to be more concerned that their heart attitudes be honoring to us and to the Lord.
  1. Ephesians 6:3 - “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
  1. “That it may be well with you” – refers to the ______of life.
  2. “That you may live long on the earth” – refers to the ______of life.

There have been numerous studies showing that those who honor their parents tend to live longer and enjoy life more. We will save our children a lifetime of unhappiness by encouraging them to honor their parents as well as the Lord.

  1. Ephesians 6:4 – And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
  1. “Fathers” (Patera) – refers to both parents just as it does in Hebrews 11:23

Hebrews 11:23:By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw he was a beautiful child; and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.

  1. “Patria potestas” (the father’s power) which gave men who were full Roman citizens absolute ______over their own families. By law:
  • He could dispose of all family matters or members in whatever way he chose.
  • He had absolute authority over every area of his children’s lives.
  • He could force them to divorce.
  • He could sell them into slavery.
  • He could kill them if he wished.

A Roman man named Hilary wrote this letter to his wife, Alis, sometime in the first century B. C.: “Heartiest greetings. Note that we are still even now in Alexandria. Do not worry, if when all others return I remain in Alexandria. I beg and beseech you to take care of the little child, and as soon as we receive wages, I will send them to you. If-good luck to you-you have another child, if it is a boy, let it live; if it is a girl, expose it.”

Seneca, a contemporary of the apostle Paul’s, described Roman policy with regard to unwanted animals: “We slaughter a fierce ox; we strangle a mad dog; we plunge a knife into a sick cow. Children born weak or deformed we drown.”

  1. “Provoke” (parorgizete) – to anger alongside, to enrage.
  1. I believe this is literally telling us not to anger our children with our anger.
  2. I don’t believe this is telling us not to anger our children because our children will get angry when they shouldn’t be angry.
  3. So, what do we do as parents when we are angry that can make them angry?
  • Comparing
  • Smothering and being overprotective when they have broken our trust.
  • Neglecting and acting as if we don’t care – “they don’t listen anyway!”
  • Withholding discipline because we’re frustrated that it doesn’t seem to work anyway.
  • Favoring the child who is compliant and doesn’t anger you.
  • Over-discipline – riding them, threatening them with huge punishments (grounded for life), hurtful words.
  • Pushing them too hard in school (with worldly goals in mind)
  • Condescending attitude with rolling of the eyes, etc. We need to let them make mistakes without hammering them every time.
  • Constant criticism – constantly focusing on the bad while ignoring the good
  • Not encouraging them
  • Forgetting they are just kids
  • Marital disharmony
  • Child-centered home vs. Christ-centered home
  • Habitually disciplining while angry
  • Modeling anger for them
  • Double standard
  • Over-emphasis on rules
  • Under-emphasis on rules
  • Not admitting you’re wrong and asking forgiveness while demanding it from them
  1. “Bring them up” – because they won’t get there by ______.
  2. “Training” (paideia) – tutorage, instruction, nurture.
  1. The word is translated elsewhere:
  • Teaching in 2 Timothy 3:16

2 Timothy 3:16:All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness

  • Chastening in Hebrews 12:7-11

Hebrews 12:7-11:It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

  1. Training — helping someone to do — always comes after teaching — helping someone to know what to do

In Teach Them Diligently, Lou Priolo says “Teaching gives knowledge. Training gives skill. Teaching fills the mind. Training shapes the habits. Teaching brings to the child that which he did not have before. Training enables a child to make use of that which is already his possession.”

  1. So we conclude that paideia includes both teaching and chastening because it takes ______for ______to be put into ______.
  1. “Admonition” (nouthesia) – most commonly used as a warning/rebuke with discipline and chastisement. This is much more than the “rod.” Admonishment implies:
  1. That there is something wrong
  2. That the confrontation is verbal
  3. That there is a benefit for the child being confronted
  4. Nurture, love and instruction” which rules out cruelty, injury, bruises

II.More about discipline (Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:14, 29:15)

Proverbs 13:24:He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

Proverbs 22:15:He who oppresses the poor to make more for himself Or who gives to the rich, will only come to poverty.

Proverbs 23:14:You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol.

Proverbs 29:15:The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.

  1. Why discipline?
  1. Because it is ______way, though maybe not ______way (Proverbs 6:23; Hebrews 12:9-11) which shows:

Proverbs 6:23:For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light; And reproofs for discipline are the way of life

  1. Our love for God (John 14:15, 21) and our desire to glorify God through OUR obedience (1 Corinthians 10:31).

John 14:15, 21:If you love Me, you will keep My commandments. He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him.

1 Corinthians 10:31:Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

  1. We love knowledge (Proverbs 12:1).

Proverbs 12:1:whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, But he who hates reproof is stupid.

  1. We are not fools (Proverbs 1:7; 15:5).

Proverbs 1:7:The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Proverbs 15:5:A fool rejects his father’s discipline, But he who regards reproof is sensible.

  1. We love our children as opposed to ______them (Proverbs 13:24).

Proverbs 13:24:He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

  1. Because it is God’s way of keeping our children from ______to sin (Proverbs 5:23, 10:17) and ______them (Hebrews 12:4-13).

Proverbs 5:23:He will die for lack of instruction, And in the greatness of his folly he will go astray.

Proverbs 10:17: He is on the path of life who heeds instruction, But he who ignores reproof goes astray.

  1. Because it is God’s way of producing ______and character in believers (Hebrews 12:10-11).
  2. Because we are ______if we don’t (Ephesians 6:4; James 4:17).

James 4:17:Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.

  1. Because we will experience ______if we don’t (Proverbs 13:18).

Proverbs 13:18:Poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline, But he who regards reproof will be honored.

  1. What are the benefits?
  1. It will bring about righteousness in the believing child (Hebrews 12:11).
  2. It will remove foolishness from their ______(Proverbs 22:15).

Proverbs 22:15:Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

  1. It leads to prudence and understanding (Proverbs 15:5, 32)

Proverbs 15:5, 32:A fool rejects his father’s discipline, But he who regards reproof is sensible.He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding.

  1. It teaches them ______for ______(Hebrews 12:9)
  1. What does proper discipline look like?
  1. With our purpose in mind (see 1 above)
  2. It is done ______love and ______of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a; Proverbs 13:24)

Proverbs 13:24:He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

  1. It is done with ______; not anger (Ephesians 4:31, 32).

Ephesians 4:31, 32:Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

  1. It is done with ______guidelines (this follows God’s pattern with us)
  1. It shows you have actually thought this through which leads to credibility.
  2. It leads them to disciplining themselves because they know ahead of time (Deuteronomy 28).
  1. It is ______based. This child knows what sin he has committed and how to correct it.
  2. It is done with comfort, during and after (Psalm 103:10-14; Lamentations 3:32; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Psalm 103:10-14:He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust.

Lamentations 3:32:For if He causes grief, Then He will have compassion

  1. It involves the rod which obviously leads us towards spanking. However, that may not work. And, what about when they are too big to spank?
  1. Find out what works:
  2. Time-outs, restrictions, extra-curricular activities, the car-whatever hurts the most. Spanking may not do it

D.Aside from violating proper discipline (#3), what does improper discipline look like?

  1. When it is done in ______(Ephesians 4:31, 32, 6:4; Colossians 3:8; Matthew 7:1-5)
  2. When it is ______and not discipline
  3. When it is cruel or brings injury
  4. When it is done without ______
  5. When it is designed to get behavior change ______
  6. When you put too much on them all at once and it causes them to lose heart

Overriding principles:

Is your discipline biblical? Ask yourself the following:

  1. Do your children understand how important it is for you to teach them the Word?
  2. Do you talk regularly about why you must discipline your children when they disobey? Do they know that God has commanded you to do this?
  3. Do you allow your child to commit the same transgression again and again without reproof until finally, in a fit of sinful anger, you overreact out of selfish motives and discipline him without patiently explaining to him the appropriate passages of Scripture?
  4. Do you communicate graciously while you are disciplining?
  5. Does your child fully understand what he has done wrong, using biblical language?
  6. Does your child know what he could do next time instead?
  7. Do you secure your child’s acknowledgement that the spanking is an appropriate course of action (required by the Scriptures) before he is spanked?
  8. Is your method of discipline practical and predictable? If not, your child may think his punishment is the result of a bad day at the office.
  9. Do you require your child to make any restitution to other offended parties? This includes asking forgiveness, replacing stolen items, repaying the cost of broken items.
  10. Do you comfort him after the discipline?

What is the main thing you have learned from this lesson?

As a result, what is the Lord asking you to change?