MONOLOGUES For Narrator Auditions
Please choose one of the following monologues to read/perform at the audition. Use as much of your acting skill as possible. Make sure you perform using expression. There is no such thing as too much or over the top! Give it all you got.
A KID (from How to Eat Like a Child)
How to express an opinion: Yucky...Gross...Dis-gusting...Ugh!!!... Scuzzy...Sick...Sickening....Hideola...Creepy...Icky...Obnoxious...Creeps...Crummy....Vomitrocious.
A KID (from How to Eat Like a Child)
How to behave at school: Arrive at school late. Explain that you are tardy because you couldn’t find your shoe. As soon as the teacher turns to write on the blackboard, open your desk, pull out Mad Magazine and put it inside your language arts workbook. Read Mad Magazine while it looks as if you are reading language arts. Chew a pencil. Pretend to play the drums, tap your desk with a pencil and when it’s time to do the cymbals, tap the head of the kid in front. Tell your teacher that you do not have your homework because the dog ate it. Ask to sharpen your pencil. Ask to get a drink of water. Ask to go to the bathroom. Recess!
A KID (from How to Eat Like a Child)
How to play: Wander around the house trying different seats. Say “I’m bored, I’ve never been so bored, I’m going to die of boredom, there’s nothing to do.” Open the refrigerator, look inside, close the refrigerator. Throw raisins in the air and try to catch them in your mouth. Put raisins on your face and let the dog lick them off until your mother says, “Don’t let the dog lick your face, he has germs.” Pretend you’re a TV newscaster; use a glass as a microphone. Say, “Good evening, everyone. It’s Saturday at this house and there’s not much happening. I’m sitting at the table drinking juice.”
CHARLIE BUCKET
You’ll never believe it! You’ll never believe what happened! I was walking home...and the wind was so cold...and the snow blowing so hard...and I couldn’t see where I was going... and I was looking down to protect my face...and...and... And there it was...just lying there in the snow...kind of buried.. .and I looked around...picked it up...and I couldn’t believe my eyes! I found a dollar! I thought it wouldn’t hurt if I bought a Wonka Whip-pie-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight. I took off the wrapper slowly...and... I ate the candy. I was still hungry so I bought another one and...and...and. . ..I found the Golden Ticket!
PEPPERMINT PATTY (from You‘re a Good Man, Charlie Brown)
You know what I don’t understand, Chuck? I don’t understand love. Explain love to me Chuck. You can’t explain love, Chuck what do you mean “if you happen to see a this cute little girl walk by”? Why does she have to be cute? Can’t someone fall in love with a girl who isn’t cute, and has freckles and a big nose? Explain that, Chuck9 I didn’t say a great big nose. So, Chuck, do you think you’ll ever get married? Well, what kind of girl do you think you’ll marry? What do you mean she’d be the kind of girl who would call you “Poor Sweet Baby?” You’re very strange.
VERUCA SALT
As soon as I told my father that I simply had to have one of those Golden Tickets, he started buying up all the Wonka candy bars in town and sent them to his factory, He’s in the peanut business and he’s got about a hundred women shelling peanuts. So he said to them, “Okay girls,” he says “from now on start shelling the wrappers off these crazy candy bars.” And they did. Three days went by and no luck. I got more and more upset! I would lie for hours on the floor kicking and yelling “I want my Golden Ticket” On the fourth day a worker found the Golden Ticket! My father rushed home and gave it to me, and now...I’m all smiles...and we have a happy home...once again.
CHARLIE BROWN (from You‘re a Good Man, Charlie Brown)
I think lunchtime is about the worst time of the day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Well, I guess I’d better see what I’ve got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely. I guess they’re right. There’s that cute redhead girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she’d do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her. There’s no reason why I couldn’t just go over and sit there. All I have to do is stand up...I’m standing up... I’m sitting down. I’m a coward. Lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Only two thousand, eight hundred and sixty-three to go.
LUCY (from You‘re a Good Man, Charlie Brown)
Do you know what I intend? I intend to be a queen. When I grow up I’m going to be the biggest queen there ever was, and I’ll live in a big palace and when I go out in my coach, all the people will wave and I will shout at them, and...and...in the summertime I will go to my summer palace and I’ll wear my crown in swimming and everything, and all the people will cheer and I will shout at them... What do you mean I can’t be queen? Nobody should be kept from being a queen if she wants to be one. It’s usually just a matter of knowing the right people.. ..well.... if I can’t be a queen, then I’ll be very rich then I will buy myself a queendom. Yes, I will buy myself a queendom and then I’ll kick out the old queen and take over the whole operation myself. I will be head queen.
URSULA (from Bye Bye Birdie)
...Kim MacAfee, what do you mean you’re resigning from the Fan Club? I mean just because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn’t mean you have to retire from all social life! Going steady is very important but there are some things more important than very important and the Conrad Birdie Fan Club is one of them. I mean, after all, where else can we girls gather together to worship that wonderful creature? I mean, do you realize what you’d be giving up? You’re giving up the scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie sings, on television, you’re not going AhAhAhAh... AAAAAA?!?
A KID(fromHow to Eat Like a Child)
Please, Mom, please. Just this once. I’ll only ask once. I promise, if you let me watch this show, I’ll go to bed the second it’s over. I won’t complain. I won’t ask for a drink of water. I won’t ask for anything. Please. If you let me do this, I’ll never ask you anything again. Never. Please. Mom, please. You’re the nicest mommy. You’re the sweetest, nicest mommy. I promise I won’t be cranky tomorrow. PleasePleasePlease! Why not! Just give me a reason. I told you I’ll be good. Don’t you trust me? Look, I’ll just close my eyes and listen. I won’t even watch it. Please!
MIKE TEAVEE
Quiet! Didn’t I tell you not to interrupt!? Of course I’ve got a Golden Ticket, but why can’t everyone leave me alone? I want to watch television! I watch all the shows every day, even the crummy ones where there’s no shooting. I like the gangsters best. They’re terrific! Especially when they start pumping each other full of lead... or giving each other the one-two-three, with their knuckledusters! Oh, goy, what I wouldn’t give to be doing that myself! It’s the life I tell you. It’s terrific!
VIOLET BEAUREGARDE
I’m a gum-chewer normally, but when I heard about these ticket things of Mr. Wonka’s, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars in the hope of striking it lucky. Now, of course I’m right back on gum. I just adore gum! My mother says it’s not ladylike to see a girl’s jaws going up and down all the time. But I don’t agree. And who’s she to criticize, anyway, because if you ask me, I’d say her jaws are going up and down almost as much as mine from yelling at me every minute of the day. It may interest you to know that this piece of gum I’m chewing on right this moment is one I’ve been working on for over three months solid. That’s a record you know.
LUCY (from Snoopy)
A ‘C?” A ‘C?’ I got a ‘C’ on my coat hanger sculpture? How could anyone get a ‘C’ on a coat hanger sculpture? May I ask a question? Was I judged on the piece of sculpture itself? Or was I judged on my talent? If so, is it right that I be judged on a part of my life over which I have no control? If I was judged on my effort, then I was judged unfairly, for I tried as hard as I could! Perhaps I was being judged on the quality of the coat hanger now, is this also not unfair? Am I to be judged on the quality of coat hangers that are used by the dry cleaning establishment that returns our garments? Is that not the responsibility of my parents? Should they not share my ‘C?’ The squeaky wheel gets the grease!