Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

Goulston, M. (2010). Just listen: discover the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone.Atlanta: American Management Association.

All of us have times in our lives when we need people to buy-in to specific plans, goals, and desires. Co-workers, bosses, subordinates, spouses, partners, children, friends, at one time or another need to be reached, to fully communicate with them. We try many different tactics and often end up frustrated or angry or even scared because of the potential and sometimes realized outcomes of negative communication. Using tactics that he has developed and taught to FBI and police hostage negotiators, Goulston asserts that listening can allow us to be more effective in our ability to break down walls that keep us from getting through to people. His tips for building empathy, de-escalating conflict, and gaining buy-in will work in any situation if we know how to effectively move people through the Persuasion Cycle:from resisting to listening – from listening to considering – fromconsidering to willing to do – from willing to do to doing – from doing to glad they did and continuing to do (p. 8). Once we have “buy-in” (which occurs at the point of considering), we can get through to anyone. The key for success in this cycle is not what we tell the person, but what we get them to tell us. The techniques that we use—listening, asking, mirroring, and reflecting back to the person what we have heard—allow them to exhale and relax.

Even though the problems that we encounter vary by topic and degree of severity, there is a constant from one person to another –our brains work in similar ways. Understanding three crucial concepts help us understand the important role that the brain serves in the Persuasion Cycle. The first concept is that our brain has three layers that have evolved over millions of years: the reptilian brain which is the fight-or-flight part of our brain, the mammal brain which is the seat of emotions, and the primate brain which weighs a situation logically and generates a conscious plan of action. When stressed, the three layers function independently, making it difficult for the primate brain to stay in control. The second concept is known as the amygdala hijack. During stressful events, both the amygdala (part of the reptilian brain) and frontal cortex (part of the primate brain) go into action. As long as both areas can be accessed, all is well. However, once the amygdala goes into hijack mode, it is impossible to reason with a person. The third concept is the role of mirror neurons—cells that allow us to mirror another’s feelings and feel empathy. Goulston theorizes that we are constantly conforming to the world trying to win love and approval. Each time we mirror the world, we create a need to be mirrored back. If that does not happen, we experience a sense of loss which can cause frustration and anger to develop over time.

The second part of the book contains “9 Core Rules for Getting Through to Anyone.” These techniques help us help others (and ourselves) to keep the primate brain in charge, to prevent an amygdala hijack, and to mirror the feelings of others so that they feel less alone and experience relief, relaxation, and a willingness to work with us. An example of one of the nine rules is Make the Other Person Feel “Felt.”Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes changes the dynamics of a conversation and can lead to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication (p.48). Why does this happen? The key is in the mirror neurons. When you sincerely acknowledge another’s feelings, the person will feel grateful and will want to understand you in return. Goulston outlines six steps to making a person feel “felt.”

  1. Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling.
  2. Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of how you are feeling and I think it is ____.” Wait for the person to agree with or correct you.
  3. Then say, “How ____ are you?” and let the person respond.This may bring a lot of emotion. Wait and listen—this is not the time to fight back or air your own grievances.
  4. Next, say, “And the reason you’re so _____is because..?” Again, let them vent.
  5. Then say, “Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?”
  6. Finally, ask, “What part can I play in making that happen? What part can you play in making that happen?” (p. 51).

Some of the other core rules include Be More Interested than Interesting, Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally, and When All Seems Lost—Bare Your Neck. These tactics along with some additional “quick and easy” tools that Goulston includes provide a firm foundation for making our communication much more productive. The process is as simple as Goulston states but it requires self-reflection, a willingness to practice the techniques, and the commitment to use these strategies in daily life.