January 17, 1997
Through extensive research and the studies of countless results of experiments I have performed, it has become dangerously apparent to me that the so-called "letters" that I write have traveled far out of the realm of mere "letter-writing" and into the realm of "novel-writing." This being the case, I will no longer include a "Dear Monica" or "Dear Hanna" at the beginning of my stories. Instead, from now on, there will only be the date at the top of my work, followed by a short, self-explanatory introduction. I figure that, hey, if everyone is going to read this crap that I write, why should I address it to one particular person?
The following is a detailed, accurate account of my day at Disneyland. It has been split into chapters for your convenience. All sections in italics are from actual recordings I made at Disneyland with my Sony mini-recorder.
Introduction: In the Restaurant (I)
The beginning of one of the best, fun-filled days of my life began in the early waking hours of January 16, 1997, on a roadside restaurant on the north side of Torrance, fifteen minutes away from West High School.
The restaurant was a clean and well-accomplished establishment, with food that could make gods drool and prices that were next to rock-bottom. The floor of the place shone brightly in the sun with a brand new wax job, and its tables were so clean that I could actually see myself in them. The proprietor of the restaurant, a balding old man of about 70, sat at the front counter, waiting for potential customers to come in and eat. However, as of now, the only people in the restaurant were him and me.
I sat alone in a far booth of the restaurant, across from the counter and a few steps away from the exit. In front of me, amidst a cup of coffee and a copy of the Daily Breeze, was a plate of steak and eggs, drenched in what seemed like an ocean of steak sauce. The food was good, satisfying and acceptable, and while it occupied the better part of my mouth, my mind was wandering to what I was going to do today at the Happiest Place on Earth- Disneyland. At my side, on the seat next to me in the booth, was a simple camera bag that held all the possessions I would need to make it through the day. In the bag there was a durable, Olympus camera that had a brand new roll of film in it, and there was also a small mini-tape recorder that I could use to record the sounds of Disneyland. My fat wallet rested somewhere in the wilds of the camera bag at my side, and there was also a Sony walkman in there, ready to save me from any chorus of "It's a Small World" that I might encounter.
Iwasexcitedabouttheup-comingday.ItwasmyfirsttriptoDisneylandwithagroupofmyfriends,andwiththisbeingaweekday,Iexpectedtheretobenolinesatall.Allweeklongpriortothistrip,IhadheardrumorsaboutDisneylandbeingvirtuallyemptyonweekdays,andevenbandmemberswhohadgonetoDisneylandtheyearbeforeconfessedthattherewere"noteveninsectsintheHappiestPlaceonEarth."AnothermajorpluswasthattheEntertainmentUnitwasperformingat11:00am,whichgaveustheentireafternoonoffatthepark.Thatwasoverfivefreehoursoffreetimeforallofus.Andbecausenoonewouldbeinthepark,noonewouldcareifwescrewed-uponourperformance.ThemainideaseemedtobethattheperformancetheWestHighEntertainmentUnitwouldgivewouldbeunappreciated,butwewouldbealoneintheparkaswell.
Mymindzoomedtoallofthosepoor,unfortunatenon-bandmemberswhowouldn'tbejoiningusonthisparticularday.Whilethosesadsoulsstayedinschool,studyingtheirsubjectsandtakingtheirtests,themembersoftheentertainmentunitwouldberidingtheslopesoftheMatterhornandscreamingthroughSpaceMountain.Whileschoolwenton,themembersoftheWestHighEntertainmentUnitwouldbekickingitwithMickeyMouseandhiscrew,payingtendollarsforahamburgerandlovingeverysecondofit.Iwouldbewithmyclosest"homies"inDisneylandwhilepeoplelikeJoshandAlexsufferedthroughMr.Evan'sEnglishHonorsclass.WhileIrodeonStarTours,MonicaandHannawouldbesufferinginAlgebraIICPMHonors.WhileIsnackedonaburgerintheTomorrowLandTerrace,everyonenotgoingtoDisneylandwouldbechokingdowntheschoolcafeteriafood,andwhileIboughtapairofMickey-Mouseearsforaboutfiftydollarsalobe,somepoornon-bandmemberwouldpaygoodmoneyforasimpleWestHighbeanie.
OhwhatpowerIhad!Whatpower!
Eveninthemorning,overfourhoursbeforeIwasactuallyreleasedintoDisneyland,USA,Ihadmydayplannedoutforme.At12:30pm,afterourperformance,IwouldstrollovertoSplashMountainwithmyfriendsandsoakmyselftothebone.Afterthat,theHauntedMansionwouldfollow.ThentheIndianaJonesAdventureTempleoftheForbiddenEye.ThenSpaceMountain.ThenStarTours.Thenperhapsasmallbreakforlunch.Then...
Mylistwaspracticallyendless.Ihadawholedayofridesplannedout,andIknewthatmyfriendsweren'tgoingtoarguewithmeaboutwhateverIchosetogoon.Forthisoneday,thisonemomentintime,Iwouldbeinparadise,andIwouldruleoverallcreaturesgreatandsmall.Iwouldbeking,andI'dloveit.
Thetimewas7:30am,overanhourbeforeIneededtobeatschooltocatchthebustoDisneyland.AlthoughIhadallthetimeintheworld,IwasalreadydonewithmybreakfastandreadytoleavetherestaurantandwalktoWestHigh.Ipaidformymeal,leavingalargetip,andlefttherestaurantquietly,readytofacetheworldandhaveonehellofaday.
2:AtSchool
Iarrivedatschoolat7:45am.
ThecampuswasprettymuchemptywhenIgotthere,saveforafew0-periodclassesandacoupleofearlybirdshangingoutinthelockerbays.AsIwalkedhappilyontocampuswithmysaxophonecaseinmyrighthandandmycamerabagslungovermyleftshoulder,Ismiledforpracticallynoreasonatallandinsertedabounceintomystep.IspottedafewmembersofmyAnatomyclasstalkingquietlynexttoasodavendingmachine,sippingonCokesandjokingaboutsomethingthatIcouldn'thavecaredlessabout.Iwavedatthemandsmiledwisely,andtheyreturnedmygesturewithafewdirtylooksandacoupleofenvyingcomments.Apparently,theyknewaboutmytriptoDisneylandtoday.
HadasandacoupleofotherpeoplewereinthebandroomwhenIenteredit.Theyweredoingbasicallynothing,justhangingoutandtalkingtoeachotherliketheyalwaysdid,andHadasscreamedanice"HIDAVID!"atmeasIsetmysaxdownnexttothepiano.Istretchedforasecond,lookedaroundme,anddecidedtogoandretrievemyuniformfromtheuniformroom.Theband,afterall,wastravelinginitsbandpants,andIdidn'twanttogetcaught-upintherushtogetuniformswheneveryoneelsearrived.
MyuniformwasinahorriblestatewhenIpickeditupfromthebowelsofthestinkinguniformroom.Buttonswereripped-offonmyjacket,andmypantswereinacrumpled-up,dustymess.Theentiresuitreekedofrottenfoodandage-oldsweat,andIwasforcedtoturnmyheadawayasIputmyheadintomygarmentbagandtookasniff.Disgusted,Ibrought-outtheentireensembletothelightofthebandroomandpackeditupniceandtight.Withthattaskdone,Ireallyhadnothingmoretodobutwaitandstayexcited.
DannyarrivedafewminutesaftermewithhisfluteandtheAdidasgymbagthathegotforhisbirthday.HeworehistrademarkNikeshortsandathinT-shirt,andIhadtowonderhowthosegarmentswouldhold-uptothecoldofDisneyland.Afterhegavemeabriefsalutationandsmile,hequietlymarchedovertotheuniformroom,retrievedhisuniform,andtookaseatnexttome,staringintospace.Forafewminutes,hesaidnothingandI,inreturn,alsosaidnothing.Wejuststaredintotheairlikeapairofmentaldefectives,andwhenfiveminuteshadpassed,Iturnedtohimandsaid,"Let'sgomakefunofeveryoneinclassrightnow."
Danny'sreplywasasmallgruntandquietly,Ileadhimoutofthebandroomandintotheblaringsunlight.Ithadbeenrainingthedaybefore,butitlookedasiftheforcesaboveushaddecidedtoturn-offthesprinklersforthisspecialday.Wewalkeddownthehallthatledawayfromthebandroom,stillnotsayinganything,andonourwaytothescholasticworldofourpoorunfortunateschoolmates,wespottedDavidandAaronwalkingintheoppositedirectiontothebandroom.Quietly,wegruntedatthem,andtheygruntedback.Likeapes,wecrossedeachother'spathwithoutanymajorconversation.
Dannyandmine'sfirststopwasMr.Rugnetta'shistoryclass,whereweexpectedJoshandhisGeometrypalstobehanging-out.Quietly,stealthily,westoleintotheclassandloudlypresentedourselvestoabunchofbigsophomoreswhodidn'texactlylooklikeJoshoranybodyelseweknew.AquickinspectionrevealedthatJoshwasn'tinthatclassatthemoment,andshyly,DannyandIsnuckbackouttothehallway.
Wejourneyedovertoournormalfirstperiodclass,AlgebraII,andpeekedinside.TooursurprisewefoundTimmyinthere,whoweexpectedtobeinthebandroom.Whenweaskedhimwhyhewasn'tinthebandroomwithalloftheothercoolpeople,herepliedthattherewasnowayhewasgoingtomissthebeginningoffirstperiod,andweweren'tleavinguntil8:30anyway.FollowingTimmy,bothDannyandIdecidedtostaywithhimandconsequentlysatthroughthefirstfewminutesoffirstperiod.Myentiremathgroupwassurprisedtofindmeinschoolwhentheyallfinallyarrived.Alex,wantingtogowithusreallybad,madeafewshoddyremarksonhowonlynerdswenttoDisneyland.Miesha,aseniorinmygroup,toldmehowmuchIlookedlikeatouristwithmycamerabag.EvenEsther,anormallyquietjuniorinmygroup,voicedherfeelingsonhowshewishedthatshewasgoingwiththebandaswell.AllofthesecommentsweresilencedasMrs.Ebeystartedtheclassandhadallofusconstructacoupleoffunky-looking3-Dfiguresfromconstructionpaper.
Then,timeslowedtoacrawl.
Imusthavelooked-upattheclockathousandtimes.EachtimethatIdid,thetimewasoneminutemorethanithadbeenthelasttimeIlookedatit.Whilemygroupfooledaroundwithconstructionpaperandmadedumbjokesaboutband,Icontinuouslylookedupatthepearlyblackclockonthewallinfrontoftheclassroom,nervouslyfidgetingwithmypencilandwishingthattimewouldspeed-up.OnceortwiceIlookedoveratTimmy'stableandfoundhimhappilymakingtheobjectsthatMrs.Ebeytoldustomake.Hishappinessmademesick,justplainsick.Idecidedthatoneofthesedays,IwouldhavetohaveTimmyditchmathclassandobservehowhereacted.
Aneternitypassedandfinally,8:30rolledaround.Glancingupattheclock,Ibrokeintoanall-outgrinandslowlygot-upfrommychair.Otherbandanddrillteammembersfollowedmyleadandroseaccordingly,creatingasmallrustleinsidetheclassroom.Ipicked-upmycamerabagfromnexttomyseatandglancedoveratAlex."I'llseeya'later,sucker,"Isaidtohim,mockinghim.
"Ah,gotohell,"Alexreplied,grinning.
IbidfarewelltomygroupandwalkedovertoTimmy'stable.Pullinghimawayfromhismathwork,Iconsequentlypicked-upDannyandformallybidthewholeclassgood-bye.Somepeoplebooedatourleaveofabsence,andIsmiledatthemsweetly.Iwalkedoutsideoftheclassroom,quietly,andintothebrightsunshinewithTimmyandDannynexttome.Justasthedoortotheroomhadshutclosedrightbehindus,Ipulled-outthemini-taperecorderfrominsidemycamerabagandpressedtheRECORDbutton.Iletthetaperunforasecond,gettingridoftheslack,andthenbegantospeak:
*
Me:Captain'sLog,StarDateJanuarysixteenth,nine-teenhundredandninetyseven.Weareabouttoembarkonastrangejourneyintotheunknown...aplace theycall...theycall...DISNEYLAND.Weturnacorridor,anemptycorridor,and wewonder,"Wherehaseverybodygone?"
Danny:Shut-up.
Me:Weonlyknow...ohlook,there'sErnie,Timmy'sbrother!
Timmy:Thisisreallystupid.
Me:Yes,Iknow.ThisisCaptainDavidLaw,signingoff.
*
Ituckedtherecorderawayinmycamerabagandbouncedalonghappilytothebandroom,smilingandthinkingofallthewonderfulthingsIcoulddotoday.IthoughtabouttheridesIwouldgoonandalltheexpensivefoodIwouldbuy.IthoughtaboutthestupidpicturesIwouldtake,aswellasthesouvenirsthatIwouldlookatandwishIcouldbuy.Ithoughtaboutalotofthings,andthemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreIrealizedthatthiswasgoingtobeareallyfunday.
ThebandroomwasalivewithmovementwhenDanny,Timmy,andIarrived.Bandmemberswererunninghereandthere,puttingtheirbandpantson,andpercussionistswerehaulingtheirdrumsovertothemusictruckinahurrytobeloaded.WhenIsawhowmanydozensofpeoplewerecrammedintotheuniformroomtryingtogettheiruniforms,IwasgladthatIhadgottenmystuffearlier.Settingmycamerabagdownnexttomyuniform,Itookmypantsoutofmygarmentbag,quicklychangedinthebathroomacrossfromthebandroom,andpacked-upallofmystufftobetakenonthebuswithme.Reviewingmysurplusofsupplies,IfoundthatIhadmygarmentbag,mycamerabag,andmysaxophone,andIfeltthatevenifIhadleftsomethingbehind,Iwouldn'tcareonebit.
Thebusesslowlypulled-upinfrontofWestHighafewminutesafterIhadfinishedchanging.Igatheredmystuffupquickly,tryingnottoseemtooanxious,andmarchedovertothebusIwassupposedtoberidingon.IfoundacomfortableseatnexttoTimmyandquicklysettleddown.Wei-hanmaterializedoutofnowhereandgavemeaquickhi.Silently,hetooktheseatinfrontofme,andDannyfoundaniceseatnexttome.Surroundedbymyclosest"bandbuddies",Ipulled-outmyrecorderfrommycamerabagandhittheredRECORDbutton:
*
Me:Captain'sLog:WearenowonthebustoDisneyland.Wei-hanissittinginfrontofme...
SaxplayerJasonChu:Anyonesittinghere?
Me:No.
Jason:CanIputmystuffhere?
Me:Goahead...wellputitonthebackseat,actually.Everyoneputtheirstuffthere.Oh,andherecomesbandpresidentAndyHung.SayhiAndy.
BandPresidentAndyHung:Hi.
Me:Oh,andhere'sHaleyLam.Ha,Ilooklikethebiggestdork,don'tI?
Wei-han:David'sadork.Heh,
"Iwon'tdenyit,
David'safaggot,
Everybodywantsto
messwithhim."
(LAUGHTER)
Me:Okay,well,we'replayingchess.Sowe'regonnasignoff...I'mgonnasign-off...shut-up.Here'sDanny.
Danny:*Mumble*
*
Ipressedthestopbuttononmyrecorderandtuckeditaway.
Thebusstarted-upafewminuteslater,aftertheentireEntertainmentUnit
haddressed-upandgottentheirstufftogether.AswepulledawayfromWestHigh,nottocomebackuntil7:00thatnight,Ilookedoutofthegrimy,translucentwindowatmysideandtookonelastlookatWest.Suddenly,likeaboltoflightning,mymindflashedtoapictureofJoshandAlexsittingintheirclassesandwishingthattheycouldbewithus.Mymindflashedagain,butthistimetoapictureoftheentirecampuswithouttheEntertainmentUnitmembers.Inmymind,Isawhowemptytheschoolwouldbewithoutallofus,andIinvoluntarilysmiled.Snappingmeoutofmytrance,Timmysnappedhisfingersinfrontofmeandset-uphischessboardnexttome.Withoutsayingaword,hegesturedformetostartplaying.Humbly,Iaccepted.
3:OntheBus
"Checkmate."
Istaredatthechessboardwithwideeyes.Amazed,IlookedbackupatTimmy
"Checkmate,"herepeatedwithasmile.
Itwas10:00am,andtheWestHighbuseswerecruisingsomewherealongthe405freewayleadingintothecityofAnaheim,California.Mybus,Bus#2,wasnearthefrontofthepackjustbehindBus#1andlogicallyinfrontofBuses#3and#4.Theskieswereclearandblueaboveus,showingnohintofanybadweathertocome,andeverybandmemberonmyparticularbusseemedtobehypedforDisneyland.DrumMajorChrisParkandtherestofhisbuddieswereinthebackofmybus,playingbloodyknucklesandotherhandgamesofthatvariety,andvariouspeoplearoundthebusweretalkingexcitedlyabouttheupcomingperformance.Thebuswasbouncingalongsteadilyandwithoutvariation,andinmyparticularseatnearthefrontofthevehicleonthelefthandside,Timmyhadjustforcedmeintoacomplicatedcheckmate.
Wehadbeenplayingforthebetterpartofthebustrip,movingplasticchesspiecesacrossametallicboardandkillingpawnsandknightslikecrazy.That'ssomethingthatTimmyandIhadincommon-ourloveforchess.EachofusyearnedforthatonemomentintimewherewecouldmoveourQueenintopositionandscreamineachother'sface,"CHECKMATE!"Itwas,intruth,anerdyhobby,butwelikedit.AlthoughithadseemedthatIhadhadtheupperhandinthebeginningofthisparticularchessgameonthebus,Timmyhadcomebackwithabrilliantrookstrategythathadtakenmysideoftheboardbystorm.Hehadmadethebestchoicespossibleandforcedmeintoanearly,undeservedretirement.Welookedkindoffunny,actually:twofreshmensittingonabusinfrontofachessboard,laughingateachotherandtryingtowinthegamewewereplaying.Ihadaboutasmanychesspiecesofhisashedidofmine,butacoupleofhismoveshadjustfooledmecompletelyandpavedtheroadformydemise.Itookonelastsourlookatthechessboardinfrontofmeandpusheditawayindisgust."Yougotlucky,"Imiserablysaidtomyrival."Setitupforanothergame."
Obediently,baskinginhisownglory,Timmyclearedtheboardandsetitupagain,smilingandactingasifhewerethecoolestguyintheworld.
AsTimmysetupthechessboardforournextgame,(thefool,hedidn'tknowthatIhadlethimwin),Itookabreakfromthechessboardandglancedaroundme,observingtheactivitiesoftheotherpeopleinmybus.TheWestHighbuseshadbeenontheroadforalmostanhouralready,haulingtheentireEntertainmentUnittoDisneylandwithoutcomplaint,anditseemedasifeveryoneatthispointwasliterallyboredtodeath.Dannywasburiedwarmlyinhisownseat,excludedfromtheentireworldwhilereadingsomekindofcomicbook.Wei-hanandJasonChuwerequietlyplayingcardsintheseatinfrontofus,usingmysaxophonecaseasatablebywhichtosetthecardsdown.Somepeoplebehindmeweremakingalotofnoisebyslappingeachother'swristwiththeirfingers,andthebusdriverwashavinganiceandpleasantconversationwithoneofourchaperons.Sorely,Inoticedthattherewereafewsmilesonthebus,butnotmany.ItseemedasifDisneylandjustdidn'tappealtosomepeople.
IglancedoutthewindowonmyrightsideandnoticedthatmybushadjustenteredthecitylimitsofAnaheim,California.Lookingfartheralongthefreeway,IspottedthetopoftheKnottsBerryFarmTowerloomingominouslyinthedistance.
(KnottsBerryFarm-nowwhydidthatbringbackmemories?).
IlookedoffofthefreewayandsawthesignfortheHollywoodWaxMuseumstandingproudlyamongstaplethoraofhotelsandrestaurants.Belowmybusonthecitystreetswereacountlessnumberofshops,movietheaters,andtourist-trapsthatdidn'tappealtomeatall.Therewasnodoubtaboutit-wehadjustenteredthetouristcapitoloftheworld,andallofasudden,Ifeltlikealittlekidagain.
Timmyfinishedsetting-uptheboardinfrontofusandmadehisfirstmove.Quickly,Irespondedwithasimplepawn-opening.
Thebusdroveonthefreewayforafewmoreminutesbeforefinallyslowing-downandrunningdowntheonrampontothestreetsofAnaheim,California.Immediatelyafterweleftthefreeway,wedrovedownseveralstreets,madeafewturns,andturnedablindcornerthatranintoalarge,fenced-inbacklotwithotherschoolbusesandhighschoolbandsrehearsinginit.Thebacklotwaslargeandcrowdedwithcarsparkedinrowsalloveritlikesoldiersinamarchingblock.Stoppingmychessgameforaminute,IlookedaroundandcametotheconclusionthatwehadenteredthebacklotofDisneyland.Treesbeautifullylitteredthearealikemotionlessgiants,providingaluxuriousshadetorestunder,andthesun-heatedasphaltwasasspotlessasarecently-sweepedfloor.Atthebackoftheparkinglot,behindallthecarsandbuses,wasasinglebuildingaccompaniedbyashadedpatiowiththewords"DisneyMagicDays"onit.OnlyaplacesuchastheLandofDisneycouldbethisbeautiful,andIfeltastrangesenseofnostalgiasweepovermeasmyeyessweptovertheentirepicture.OnlyonceinmylifehadIseenthisbacklotofDisneylandbefore,andthathadbeenlastyearwithmyorchestra.Slowly,mybuspulled-uptoasmallsecurityofficeatthefrontofthelotandweweremomentarilystopped.Therewasasmallrustleupbythedriver'swindowofthebusandweweresuddenlypassedonwardontothelotitself.Therewasasmallparkingspaceforourbusrightnexttoseveralotherbuses,andasweparkedandstoppedthebuscompletely,IforcedTimmyintoanunwantedstalemateandtoldhimtopack-upthechessboardandgethisstuffready.Withoutlooking-upfromtheboard,heasked,"Why?"
Withmyhand,IraisedTimmy'sheadandpointeditoutthewindowclosesttohim."Packitup,Timmy,"Isaidtohimquietlyundermybreath."Packitup,getyourstuff,andtakealookaroundyou,myboy.We'reinthepromisedland."
4:InthePark(I)
Charliewashisname,andapparently,setting-upbandsforDisneylandwashisgame. HewasthemanwhowassupposedlyinchargeofkeepingtheWestHighEntertainmentUnitinlinewhileinDisneyland.HeworeadarkredandgreensportscoatthathadtheDisneylandlogostitchedneatlyintoeachofitsleatherarms,andinoneearheworeablackearpiecethatwastappedintoalittleblackpackbyhisside.Hecarriedasmallclipboardinoneofhiscoveredarmsandheworedarkbrownpantsthatfithimperfectly.Hewasfairlychubby,thoughnotoverlyobese,andhishairwasthecolorofgoldensand.Allinall,helookedlikeachildinanadult'sbody.
WeallstoodinourbandparadeblockinfrontofCharlie,fullydressedinouruniformswithourinstrumentsoutandreadytoplay.Itwas10:30,abouthalfanhourafterwehadfirstarrivedatDisneyland'sbackdoor,andwenowstoodundertheglaringhotsuninDisneyland'sbacklot,surroundedbypale-yellowbusesandshoddydressingrooms.IstoodnearthebackoftheentireparadeblockwithWei-hanandsomeoftheothersaxophonesnexttome,(IhadbeenpushedoutofmyspacenearthefrontrankthankstoRobert,thetrumpetplayerwhohadthesophomoreadvantage),andalready,Ifeltsweaty,tired,andexhaustedfromthebustrip.Wehadbeengivennotimetorestafterthebuseshadparked-almostimmediately,wehadchangedintoouruniformsandgottenourinstrumentsout-andnow,withoutwarning,hereweallweregettingreadytomarchstraightdownMainStreetinDisneylandUSAwiththeeyesofstrangerswatchingoureverymove.
CharliewastheguywhofirstmetallofuswhenwefirststeppedoffofourbusesandontothesoiloftheMagicKingdom.Amiddle-agedplumpmanwithakindface,heintroducedhimselfpolitelytothelotofusandtoldustogetdressedassoonaspossible.Ourperformancetimewasscheduledat11:00amonthedot,andthatgaveusameagerhalfanhourtogetourstufftogether,formanorganizedblock,andmarchahalfamiletothefrontgateoftheparkthroughtheswelteringbackstagesofDisneyland.Charliewasa friendlyguyandusedapleasanttonewithallofus,andIcouldtellthathewasoneofthoseguyswhotreatedkidslikeadultsandgaveeveryoneafairchance.IguessthatitwouldbefairtosaythatIlikedhimfromthestart.
Thebandasawholehadsurvivedwellthroughthebustrip.TherewerenocasesofcarsicknessreportedwhenIgotoffthebus,andeveryoneseemedhappytobeoutofschoolforthisonedayinDisneyland.MostofthebandmembersintheblockaroundmewerestretchingcasuallyandjumpingupanddownwithexcitementasweallpatientlywaitedforChristoleadusouttothepark.Mr.Banimstoodproudlynexttoallofus,dressedinablack,formalsuitthatcomplimentedhimnicely,andtheDrillTeamandTallFlaggerswerewarming-upquietlyaroundus.Standingamongstmyfellowbandmembers,Ilookedaroundandspottedsomeofmyfriendsscatteredhereandtherethroughouttheblock.Aaronwassomewhereupinfrontalongwiththerestofthetrumpets,andTimmyandDannywerebehindmeinthelastrankoftheblock,talkingquietly.Asenseofexcitementandanticipationdominatedthearea.
Disneyland'sbacklotcontrastedgreatlyfromtheparkitself;Ifoundthisoutwithasuddenjolt.AtfirstglanceIhadthoughtthatthebacklotofDisneylandwasasbeautifulandasgloriousastheparkthatIhadgrown-uploving,butaquickinspectionprovedmyfirstglimpsewrong.WhileDisneylandwasaclean,happyplacewithsmiling,happypeoplearoundeverycorner,thebacklotwasafilthy,crowdedtrashpitfilledwiththefacesofsouremployeesaroundeverytrashbin.Thefloorwasfilthy,almostlikethefloorsofsomecheaptheater,andthespacewassoenclosedthatIfeltalmostlikeacagedanimalasIstoodinthedepthsofthebowelsofDisneyland.Therewasnonice,cartoonishsceneryonthissideoftherainbow-instead,therewereonlydirtyremindersoftheoutsideworld:atrashcanhere,achain-linkedfencethere.PiratesoftheCaribbean?No,theyweren'there.Here,therewereonlythePiratesoftheReallyCrappyWorkplace.NoneoftheemployeesthatIhadseenwalkingaroundhadnotevenbeenonthebrinkofasmile,andthemagicofDisneylandseemedtobegindyingformejustthen.
Standingthereintheparadeblockunderthesearingheatofthesun,IbegantowonderwhatitwouldbeliketomarchdownMainStreetUSA.Asabandmember,IhadneveractuallymarchedinDisneylandbefore,andIhadtowonderhowthisparadewoulddifferfromalloftheotherparadesIhadbeeninbefore.Iknewthattherewouldbealotmoreturnsthanusual,aswellasmoretwistsanddifferentpositionstoadjustto,butIalsoknewthatitwouldbealotmorefunthananyotherparadeI'vemarchedin.WewereintheMagicKingdomforGod'ssake!Wewereinthe"HappiestPlaceonEarth."
ChriscalledtheentiresquadtoattentionanddirectedallattentionovertoCharlie,whowassweatingimmenselyinthishotweather.WeallfellquietasCharliesteppedinfrontofallofusandwipedhisforeheadwithasmallbrownhandkerchief.FeelingasifIweregoingtofaintundermyheavy,sagginguniform,Istraightened-outintomybestattention-positionandpulledmysaxophoneupagainstmychest.Grinninghappily,CharliesteppedinfrontofChrisandaddressedallofus.
"OkayWestHigh,"hesaidbrightlywiththesungleamingoffofhisforehead."We'reabouttosetoutfortheparknow.Now,there'snoneedtobenervousorparanoid-justhavefunwiththeparadeandgiveagreatperformance.That'sallthatIask.I'mgoingtomoveyououttotheparknowandintoMainStreetUSA.It'skindofalongtrip,soI'mgoingtosplityouguysintotwogroups.Halfofyoustartwalkingnow,andtherestofyouwaitandthenfollowlater."
Iwatchedasthehalfofthebandonmyleftsidebeganmarchingforeword.Watchingthemmarch,Charlieyelled-out,"Okay,let'sgo!"
Charliehadspiltthebandintotwoequalhalves,andasthehalfonmyleftsidefinallypulledawaycompletely,(Hadaswasthelastmembertoleave-shehadn'tbeenpayingattentionandshehadbeentalkingtosomeoneonmyhalfofthebandwhenhersidehadpulled-out),mysidebeganmovingout,slowlyatfirst,thenpicking-upspeed.Wemarchedoutoftheparkinglotthatwehadbeenstandinginandintoanarrow,two-wayroadthatleadthroughallofDisneyland'sstoragehousesandrepairshops.WepassedbehindSplashMountain,whichwassituatedamongstajungleoftreesandlushfauna,andmarchednoisilyinfrontofastoragebuildingwhichhousedtheparadefloatsfromyearspast.AcoupleofyardsdowntheroadIspottedseverallogsrestingfromSplashMountain,dryinginthesearingsun,andacouplefeetdownfromthatIsawtheboatsfromthePiratesoftheCaribbeanlayingaroundlikeuselesstoys.WepassedanumerousamountofprivateofficesfortheemployeesofDisneylandonourrighthandside,andwesawacoupleofemployeesdressedintheclothingthatpeopleusuallyworeontheMatterhorn,sippingonCokesbyavendingmachineonourleft.Sadly,notoneoftheemployeeshadasmileontheirface.
TheentireEntertainmentUnitarrivedatthefrontgateofDisneyland,madeacoupleofconfusingturns,andarrivedatapassagewaythatactuallyledouttoMainStreet,USA.Quickly,weorganizedinourfilesandranks,makingsurethatwelookedespeciallygreat,andgotourinstrumentswarmed-upandreadytoplay.AfterMr.Banimhadlookedoverusandfoundussatisfactorytohisexpectations,hegavethesignalforsilenceandhadChriscallustoattention.Therewasasmallrustleinallpartsoftheband,followedbyafewminutesofannoyingnoise.Istraightened-upintoagallantAttention-positionandtriedtocalmthethunderousbeatingofmyheart.Whenwehadallfallenintoattentionandwereallquiet,Mr.Banimyelledouthistrademark,"HaveagoodshowWest!"andsignaledChristobeginourmarch.
TherewasaseriesofshortwhistleblowsasChrisgaveusthetempotomarchat.Ifeltafewbeadsofsweatstarttoformonmyforehead,justunderneathmyhat,andmyjacketsuddenlyfeltveryheavyanduncomfortableonme.AsthedrumsbegantheiropeningcadenceofthemarchatthetempothatChrishadspecified,Ifelteverymuscleinmybodygrowtightlikeapulledropeandmymindgrewinsanewithanticipation.ItseemedasifIwasactuallyexcitedaboutthisparade.
Seemingasifithadjusttooshortofanopeningtobeconsideredgood,thecadencestoppedandweallbeganmarchingoutintoMainStreet,quietlyandwithoutplayinganote.Therewassupposedtobeafewsecondsofsilenceprecedingtheactualmarchitself,andwecarriedthissilenceefficientlyandwithskill.Wemarchedoutintothesun,intothemainplazawhereMainStreetmetthefrontgate,andsomewherealoud-speakerpumped-outaniceintroduction:
"LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,BOYSANDGIRLS.WEARENOWPROUDTOPRESENTTHEWESTHIGHENTERTAINMENTUNITFROMTORRANCE,CALIFORNIA,LEDBYDRUMMAJORCHRISPARK."
Thetimingcouldn'thavebeenanymoreperfect.Astheannouncerspokethelastfewwordsofhispreface,ourmarchbeganandfilledtheairwiththesoundsof"TheInvincibleEagle."Iwasmarchingontheoutsideofmyrank,nearthesidewalk,andthatputmerightinfrontoftheaudienceitself.IhadbeenplayingnomorethanaquarterintothemarchwhenaWestHighparentsuddenlyjumpedinfrontofmefromoutofnowhereandhappilysnappedmypicture.Istumbledoutofherway,almosttrippingoverher,andwhenIhadregainedmybalance,anotherparentjumpedinfrontofmeandtookanotherpicture.Iknickedthisparentwiththetipofmyelbowandproceededtododgeanotheronslaughtofparentswiththeircameras.Iwaslikeaspaceshipmaneuveringthroughaverydangerousasteroidfield-theonlydifferenceherewasthatIdidn'thavealasertoblow-uptheparentsthatgotinmyway.Ihitacoupleofthemwithmyarms,sadly,andacoupleofthemIkickedwithmyfeet.
Themarchwasgoingwellsofar,remainingatadecenttempoandnottiringmeonebit.WemarchedinfrontoftheclosedPennyArcadenearthemiddleofMainStreet,turningalloftheheadsthatwerethere,andloudlymarchedpastamovietheaterthatshowednothingbutoldMickeyMousecartoons.AstringofmemorieswerebroughttomindasImarchedpastalloftheseplaces.Aswemarched,IsuddenlyrememberedplayinginDisneylandwithmyparentsasalittlekid,huggingMickeyMouseandeatingawarmhotdog.IrememberedplayinginthePennyArcadewitharollofquarterswhenIwasaboutten,winningstuffedanimalsandfoolishlysquanderingmymoneyongamesthatIthoughttobefun.Iwasbroughtbacktorealityasweapproachedtheendofthemarch,andInoticedthattheband'ssoundwassimplywonderful,richandfull.Wehadn'tplayedthiswellallyearlong,andasweapproachedtheendofthemarch,Ifelthappythatitwasallfinallyover.
Exceptthatitwasn'tover.Notonebit.IputmysaxophonedownasweapproachedtheoppositeendofMainStreet,wheretheWaltDisneystatuewas,buttomysurprise,Chrisblewaanothersetofwhistlesandstartedthemarchupagain.IwassurprisedbutIcompliedtoChris'sdemandinsilencesinceIfiguredthatIcouldjustaswellhandleanothertrekdownMainStreet.Weturnedaround,playingthebeginningofourmarch,andheadedstraightdownMainStreetonceagain.
Thistime,however,themarchwasquiteadifferentexperiencethanwhenIhadmarchedthefirsttime.Justaswefinishedthefirststrainofthemarch,Ibegantofeelaburning,squeezingsensationinmylungs,wheretheairformyinstrumentwascomingfrom.MylegsbecamelikeJellounderneathme,andIsuddenlyfeltdizzyandunorganized.ItwasasifIjustgonethroughthefunnelofatornado,andmystomachsuddenlyfeltveryweakandveryqueasy.Imarchedonwardhowever,tryingtoplayonandnotletmybodyaffectmyplaying.Butthingsweregettingworsebytheminute,andIfeltthatIwaslosingaireverysecondthatIpuffedanoteintomysaxophone.Itriedtakingmoreairinthroughmynose,butthatcametonoavail.Iheldon,though,butwhenaparentjumpedinfrontofmetotakemypictureforthehundredthtimethatday,thedaminmymindbetweenprideandpainbrokeandIspitthesaxophonemouthpieceoutofmymouthandhungrilygaspedforair.
Stillmarching,Islumpedoverandletmysaxophonehanglooselyfrommyneck.Istayedinstepwithmysaxophoneoutofmymouthandtriedtohanginthere,butIwasfadingfast.ThesunaroundmewasgrowingdimmeranddimmerwitheachstepthatItook,andmyuniformwasbeginningtofeelmorelikeasuitofarmorthanaclothgarment.Myheadwasinthefourthdimension,floatingabovemybody,andIfeltasifIhadbeendrugged.Themarchwewereplayingbegansoundinglikecrap,andalloftheshopsonMainStreetstartedtolooklikehorribletorturetrapsaroundme.Somethingwasn'trightaboutme.Somethingjustwasn'tright.
Theparadewent-onbutinsteadofplaying,Ibegantolookaroundmeandwavestupidlytothepeoplepassingmeonthestreet.Iwasn'tthinkingclearlyanymoreandtomakemattersworse,Ididn'tcare.Someofthetouristswatchingmelookedatmeoddlyandmouthed,"Whyaren'tyouplaying?"TothisquestionIcouldonlysimplyshrugandsmilecharmingly.ThetruthwasthatIdidn'tfeellikeplayinganymore,andevenifIdid,IwoulddieifIattemptedtodoso.Eventuallythespellofnauseathathadconsumedmebegantosubside,andIdecidedtoputmysaxophonetomymouthandsimplypretendedtoplay.BydoingthatIfiguredthatIwouldputonabettershowandgiveWestHighabettername.
WemarcheddownMainStreetthesamewaythatwehadthefirsttime,andwhenweallreachedthefrontgate,westoppedandChriscalledforustoadjust.Tiredly,weallmovedintoourfield-show-playingpositionandgotreadytoplaythesongsofBarbaraStreisand.Ibegantofeelalotbetter,sopushingmynauseaaside,Idecidedtoactuallyplaythistime.Thefieldshowsongswerealotlesstiringthantheparademarch,andwiththisfactinmind,IknewthatthiswassomethingthatIcouldhandle.
5:InthePark(II)
*
Me:Captain'sLog.Itisnowaftertheparadeandwearewaitingunderthecanopyforinstructions.Oh,sayhiNancy.
NancyHam:OhmyGod...HEYWASSUP!
Me:ThatwasNancy.
Wei-Han:Hey,
"Iwon'tdenyit,
David'safaggot,
everyonewantsto
messwithhim."
(LAUGHTER)
Me:DamnWei-han,that'sthesecondtime!
Danny:Ah,whattimeisit?
Me:Uh,it's12:05.It'salmostlunchtime,andwewilleatsoon.Bye-bye.
*
Itwaswellaftertheparade,andonceagain,Iwasdressed-upinmycomplete,SouthernCaliforniatouristoutfit.Ihadmycamerabagstrappedtomyside,mywalletsafelytuckedawayinmypocket,mycamerainmybag,mymini-recorderinmyvestpocket,andeverythingelsethatIwouldneedtomakeitthroughtheday.AlongwiththeentireEntertainmentUnit,Me,Nancy,Wei-han,Danny,Timmy,Aaron,andDavidHuangnowstoodundertheshadedcanopybythedressingrooms,waitingforordersonwhentoreturntothebuses,andwiththeunpleasantnessoftheparadebehindme,IwasreadytohaveonehellofagooddayatDisneyland.
TheentireEntertainmentUnithadjourneyedbacktothebacklotaftertheparadeended.Themarchbacktothebuseshadbeenquietduetothestrengththattheparadehadtakenfromallofus,butIcouldtellthattherewasahintofexcitementhiddeninthattiredsilence.ThiswasDisneyland,afterall,andnoonecoulddenythefunofit.TheUnitchangedintotheirnormalstreetclothesquicklyandwithoutproblems,andbynoon,wewereallreadytorockandroll.Asawhole,wewerealltiredbutwehadtoadmitthattheparadehadbeenfun.
AsImessedaroundwithmyfriendsandusedmymini-recordertorecordstupidCaptain'sLogs,Charliestepped-uponthestageinfrontofusandspokequietlyintoamicrophonethatwasplantedthere."Well,"hesaid,quietingeveryonedown."Youguyshadagreatperformance.Isawmanymoretouriststakingpicturesthanusual,so,uh,thatmustmeansomething."
Someoneinthebackcheered.
"Forperformingheretoday,"Charliecontinued,"Disneylandwouldliketoshowitsappreciationbygivingyouguysthisplaque."HereCharlieproducedasmallblackplaquefrombehindhisbackandshowedittoallofus.Therewereafewcheersthatfollowed.Charliesaid,"Itreads,'DisneylandwouldliketothanktheWESTHIGHENTERTAINMENTUNITforagreatperformancetodayonJANUARY16,1997.ThankyouforrepresentingtheartsofSouthernCaliforniathroughyourperformance.'I'mgonnagivethistoMr.Banimtoholdonto,so,uh,Iguessthat'sprettycool,huh?"
Charlie'squestionwasansweredwithaseriesofloud,ear-deafeningcheersthatemittedfromeveryband,tallflag,anddrillteammemberunderthecanopy.TherewereapplauseashecarefullyhandedtheplaqueovertoMr.Banim,andwhenourdirectorshookCharlie'shand,theapplausegrewsoloudthatIwasforcedtocovermyears.WhenthenoisehaddieddownandtheUnithadfallenintosilence,Charliegaveussomelastminuterulesontheparklike"NoSwearing"and"NoKickingMickeyMouse'sAss."Hetolduswheretomeetthebusesattheendoftheday,andwhenhewasfinishedwitheverylittledetailonthepark,hequietlyspokeintothemicrophone,"Okay,let'sgetouttahere."
This,inturn,wasfollowedbymorecheers.
Ihadestablishedapermanentgrouptohang-outfortheday.TherewasMe,Wei-han,Nancy,Timmy,Danny,Aaron,andDavidHuang,andstickingtogether,weallfollowedCharlieasheledusthroughthebacklotoftheparkandtothedoorthatleadouttoCritterCountry,nearSplashMountain.Onthewaythere,wesawmanycoolthingsthatwehadfailedtoseebefore.Davidpointed-outthebuttfromtheplasticelephantintheAladdinparadehangingonawiretobecleaned.IspottedWinniethePoohinacornersmokingonacigarette.Aaronsawanofficewiththewords"WESTSIDEOFFICES"onit,andhethrewuptheWestHigh"W"onimpulse.IdecidedrightthenthatperhapsthefunniestpartofDisneylandwasthebacklot,wereallofthedirtyworktookplace.
CharlieletusoutDisneyland'sbackdoorandslowlycountedusinwithaclickingcounterthatheheldinhisrighthand.Iwasthefirsttogothrough,followedbyTimmy,andonceIhittheopenairofDisneylandUSA,Iliftedmyarms-uptotheskybegansingingthewordsto"IBelieveICanFly." Ittookawhilefortherestofmygrouptogetthrough,andwhentheygrabbedmyarmsandtoldmetoshut-up,Igrinnedsheepishlyandsaidsoftlytothem,"Lookaroundyou,myfriends.WelcometoHeaven!"
Myenthusiasmwasnotsharedbymycomrades.However,theywereallhappytobeinthe"HappiestPlaceonEarth",andforme,thatwasallthatcounted.
Wehitthefirstridethatwesawinfrontofus,andforus,thatwasSplashMountain.Therewaspracticallynoline-wejustwalkedinthefrontdoorandintotheoldmillthatdoubledasthelinefortheride.Ittookmaybeaminutetogettowherethepeoplewereactuallyformingalinefortheride,andbehindusfollowedCarol,Laura,andAkino.Standinginline,(itseemedthateverytimeIwenttoDisneylandIhadtowaitinsomecrappyline),Ipulledmymini-recorderfrommyvestpocket,smiledknowinglyatmyfriendswhorolledtheireyessarcastically,andfatefullyhittheRECORDbutton:
*
Me:Captain'sLog.WearenowintheparkofDisneyland,USA.We'rewaitingin thelineforSplashMountain.Okay,lookingoverthepeople,um,theylookvery excited,andit's,um,averyshortlinetoday.It'sdark...verydamp.Um...
Aaron:Shutthethingoff,damnit.
Me:Oh,we'removingaheadinline.
Aaron:David'safag.
(LAUGHTER)
Me:Okay,I'msigningoff.
*
Slowly,IputtherecorderawayandgaveAaronanastylook.HelookedawayandDavidasked,"David,whydidyoubringthatthing?"
"What?"Iasked."Therecorder?"
Davidnodded.
"Well,"Ireplied,"Ineverusedthisthingforanyotherpurposebefore,andIjustwantedtouseitnow.I'lluseittohelpmewritemystorylater."
Danny:"Whatstory?"
Ireplied,"Ah,nevermind.You'llseeinacoupleofweeks."
ThelinemovedfasterthanIexpected.Walkingslowly,wepassedasmallalcovethatshowedaglimpseofBrer'Rabbitintheride,singing"Zip-a-dee-doo-dah"inalittlecave.Oninstinct,Aaronpeeredintotheholeandyelled,"Yea!YEA!"Stupidly,hethrewuptheWestHigh"W"andgrinnedatallofus.Apparently,Brer'RabbitwasAaron'sfavoriteDisneycharacter.
"What'ssocoolaboutthatguy?"IaskedAaron.
Aaronlookedatmewithwideeyesandresponded,"Dude,thatguy'sapimp!Inthosestoriesabouthim,hepunchedthispersonmadeoutoftarjustbecausehewouldn'ttalkback!Thatrabbitisexactlylikeme!"
IlookedatAaronoddlyandquietlymovedaheadinline.
WewereabouttoboardourSplashMountainLogwhenasoundreachedmyearsthatIjustdidnotwanttohear:
"West...HIGH!
West...HIGH!
West...HIGH!
Yousay'We'reNumberOne!'"
Itwasthedrillteam,andwhilewaitinginline,theywerechantingtheirinfamousWestHighcheers.Groaning,Icoveredmyearsandboardedthelogwithafrownonmyface.Aaronyelledbackatthedrillteam,"Don'tyouguysevershut-up?"andboardedthelogaswell.
Thereweresevenofus,andluckily,weallgottofitintoonelog.Wei-hanandNancytookthebackseat...witheachother.TimmyandIgotthemiddle,andDanny,David,andAarongotthefront.Aswesatthere,waitingforthose-in-powertosendusoff,IwavedlikeadoomedmanatLaura,Akino,andCarol,whowerenextinlineforalog.Theywavedback,smiling,andunexpectedly,ourlogshot-offlikearocket.
Ithadgrownconsiderablycoldersincethismorning,andInoticedthisasourlogwent-offandthecoldairoftheworldhitmyface.Iwasfeelingalright,though,andslowly,thelogclimbedasteephillthatascendedintothesunlight.Asweroundedacornerandapproachedourfirstdrop,Ipulled-outmyrecorderandhittheRECORDBUTTON:
*
Me:WearenowonSplashMountain,andwearerockingtheboatlikedumbshits.
Danny:Ah,youbetterwatch-outforthatrecorder.
Me:Don'tworry;itwon'tgetwet. Uh,sayhieverybody!
Danny:HELL-OOO!Uh,Davidgotmewet!
Me:I'msorry.Uh,we'regoingdown,good-bye!
*
Wewentdownaratherlargedropandscreamedconsiderably.Weallgotmildlywetonthatoneand,slowingdown,weenteredatunnelandintothecolorfulworldofBrerRabbit.
Inside,theridewaslarge,colorful,andfullofboisterousmusic.Achorusof"Howdoyoudo?"fromthemovieSongoftheSouthhitmyearsasourlogslowlyfloatedinside,andAaroninevitablybegansingingalong.Wewereallsmilingaswerodethroughtheride,andwhenwewentdownatinyinclineintoasmallpool,weallscreamedloudly,morethanweshouldhave.Ifwegotintrouble...well,wedidn't,andthatwasallthatmattered.
Wezoomeddownafastdropandscreamedthroughthatonereallyloudly.Therewasanotheronslaughtofcolorful,smilingDisneycharactersandmoremusic,butsuddenly,webeganclimbing-upaverysteepincline,andthingsweren'tbrightandsunnyanymore.Themusicturnedsadanddemonic,andourlogpassedascenewheretherewasthisoldPossumwailingabout"PoorBrer'Rabbit."Climbinghigher,wespottedapairofanimatronicvulturespercheduponalargetreebranch.Theyweremumblingonandonabouta"LaughingPlace"andhow"theyweregoingtoshowusaLaughingPlace."Oneofus-IthinkAaron-screamedanostentatious"Damnyou!"atthevultures,andwealllaughedaboutit.Then,reachingthetopoftheincline,ourlogwentoutalarge,brightopening,andwecouldseethewholeparkhoveringbelowus.
Excitedly,Ipulled-outmyrecorderandhittheRECORDbutton:
*
Me:Captain'slog.Wearenow-
OHHHHHHSHIT!
*
Wescreamedallthewaydown.
*
SurvivingSplashMountainandgettingwetstraighttothebone,thesevenofuslefttheridehappilyandwalkedoutthesideofit,throughtheSplashMountainpictureviewingarea.Ourpicturefromthedropcame-outnice:DavidHuangwasinfrontwithhismouthwideopen,andhishatwasablackblurthatzoomedstraightoffhishead,coveringmostofourfaces.MyfacewasconcealedintheshadowofDanny'soutstretchedarms,andWei-hanandNancywerepicturedcloselyholdingeachotherinthebackofthelog,screaminghappily.Itwasafunnypicture,andalthoughallofushadenoughmoneytobuyit,noneofusdecidedtopurchaseit.Happily,wehoppedoutoftheviewingareaandintothebrightsunlight,babblingexcitedlyaboutwhatweweregoingtodonext.Wetookaturnand,walkingslowlyandsteadilyinfrontofthegiantdropontheridewehadjustsurvived,Ipulled-outmytotallywetmini-recorderandhittheRECORDbutton:
*
Me:Hello.WehavejustsurvivedSplashMountainandweareverywet.Thisisveryfun,Iamlovingthis,thisissimplyda'bomb.
Aaron:Shutthegoddamedthingoff,David.
Me:(OldladyoverhearsAaron).Shutthewhat?
Danny:Nocussing!
Me:Ha!Um...StardateJanuary16,1997.'Timeis12:51...
Aaron:(Grabbingtherecorder)Davidisbeinggay. Iwillnowbetakingoverforyou.ThisisAaronthewGreallycool...uh...PIMPASS...pimpolousEsquire Itellyouwhat,alltheshit...andstuff.Hellyeah.
Uh,Danny'sactinglikealittlefag.He'sjumpin'upanddown...literally.He'shyper,um,ifIdidn'tknowanybetter,I'dsaythathewasthreeyearsold.
(LAUGHTER)
And,uh,yeah,it'sgreatstuff,man. Me:Oh,herecomeLinaandMaydownSplashMountain. (LinaandMayscreaminthedistance)
Nancy:Uh,Aaron'ssocool.Ithink...um...Wei-hanandmegotwetbigtimeand...and...I'mcoo.
Wei-han:HA!
"Iwon'tdenyit,
David'safaggot..."
That'sthethirdtime!La,la,la,la...
*
Ituckedawaymyrecorderandledthegrouponward,fartherintotheparkfartherawayfromwherewehadcomefrom.AswewalkedinfrontofTheHauntedMansion,Nancyshouted-outandpointedtothegiantmansion."Hey,let'sgothere!"sheyelledhappily,andseeingasthoughwehadallthetimeintheworld,weallfollowedherwithoutquestion.
AsinSplashMountain,therewasnolineintheHauntedMansion,andassoonaswesteppedinsidethelargeparlorthatmarkedthebeginningoftheride,thedoorsclosedbehindusandwewereusheredintoalarge,dimly-litareathatIknewfromchildhoodexperiencestobeaglorifiedelevator.Asthedoorsclosedbehindusinthatparloraswell,adeep,deafeningvoicesounded-outfromseeminglyeverycorneroftheroomandpluckedatthestringsofmysoul.
"Notice,"thevoicesaid,"thatthischamberhasNOWINDOWSANDNODOORS.Onthewallsyoumayseeportraitsofsomeofourpermanentguestsintheirmortal...corruptiblestage.Waitaminute.Isityourimagination,orarethewallsactuallystretching?"
"Thatguy'sapimp,"Aaronremarkedinreferencetothevoicearoundus.
Therewasaslightjoltastheelevatorbegantomovedownward,makingitlookasifthewallsarounduswereactuallystretching.IhadbeenonthisridesomanytimesinthepastthatIknewwhatwasgoingtohappennextevenbeforeithappened.
"NowIleaveyouwiththisfrighteningchallenge,"thevoicesaidloudly."TOFINDAWAYOUT!Ofcourse,there'salwaysmyway..."
Iknewthatthelightswereabouttogoout,soIwhisperedtoAaron,"Hey,inthedarkI'mgoingtoscream'O.J.ISMYDAD!'"Aaronmanagedasmallgiggle,andsuddenly,theparlorgrewdarkandahangingbodyappearedoutofnowhereaboveus.Ihadseenthissceneaboutamilliontimesbefore,soitwasmorehumorousthanscary.Iscreamedmyfamousline,(whichonlyTimmyheard,whowasstandingrightnexttome),andsuddenly,thewholeroomwasfulloflaughter-filledscreams.WhenIwaschild,Ineverknewwhypeoplescreamedlikethisindarkplaces.NowIknew:itwasjustplainfun.
Onthelowerfloorofthemansion,thesevenofuspassedalloftheusualattractionsoftheride:theever-changing,spookyportraitsofgood-scenesturningbad;thetwostatueswhoseeyesseemedtofollowyoueverywhereyouwent;thegiantspiderwebhangingabovetheentrancetotheride...theywereallfamiliartomyeyes.Steppingonthemovingwalkwaythatledustoour"DoomBuggies",IgotonacarriagewithDannyandTimmywhileDavidandAaronrodetogether,justlikeWei-hanandNancy.Ourhandlebarcamedownmysteriouslyinfrontofus,andtheridebegan.
Ghosts,goblins,andspiritshauntedusaswetriedtomakeitoutofthemansionalive.Dannypointed-outinterestingbitsoftriviaaswerode.HeshowedusthatoneofthesingingheadsinthegraveyardwasactuallyWaltDisneyhimself.Healsotriedtopoint-outseveralshadowsofMickeyMousethathethoughthesaw.Atonepoint,Davidreachedoverfromthebuggybehindusandtappedmyback.IscreamedloudlyandwhenIrealizedthatithadbeenhim,Ireachedbackoverandpunchedhimontheshoulderhard.Hebotheredmenomoreafterthat.
Therideabruptlyended,andweallgotupoffour"DoomBuggies"andwalkedupaleanexittothelivingworld,whereawholedayofDisneylandawaitedus.Onourwayup,wespottedatinyghostnexttotheelevator,inaweddingdress.Pointingtoher,Aaronrhetoricallyasked,"Whyareyousosmall?"Thespiritdidnotrespond,butIdidwithaquick"Shut-up,Aaron."Weblinkedoureyesswiftlyasweenteredthesunlightagainand,takingaquickbodycount,weweresoononourway.
AsagroupwewalkedoverpasttheHauntedMansionandacrossthearchwaythatranparalleltothePiratesoftheCaribbean.Stoppingforasecond,Ilookedoverattheclosedrideandfeltatearwell-upinthecornerofmyeye.ThePiratesoftheCaribbeanwasmyfavoriterideofalltime,andseeingitclosedbroughtasenseofshameovermyhead.Ilookedoverattherestofmyfriendsandsawthembowingtheirheadsinfrontoftherideintribute.Afteramomentofrespectivesilence,wealllifted-upourheadsandwalkedonward.
Now,wewouldhavegonestraightdownthroughAdventureLandhaditnotbeenfortheSwissFamilyRobinsonTreeHouse.Weallwalkedbyitcasually,notnoticingitonebit,butwhenAaronturnedhisheadjustslightlyandsawitoutofthecornerofhiseye,heturnedabruptlyononeheelandstoodgapinginfrontofthegianttreehouse.Thattreehousewashisheaven,andwithoutsayinganything,hebeganwalkingintoit.
"Hey!"Icalledouttohim."Where'yougoing?"
Aarondidn'trespond.Asheenteredthetreehouse,hestartedinanall-outrunupthestairsofthehouse,payingheedtonooneatall.Reluctantly,Davidfollowed,thenTimmy,thenDanny,thenme,thenWei-hanandNancy.Wedidn'twalk-upthetreehouselikemostpeopledid:instead,weranupitlikeabunchofmarathonrunners.Inthemidstofourjog,Ipulled-outmyinfamousrecorderandhittheRECORDbutton:
*
Me:HereweareontheSwissFamilyRobinsonTreeHouse...
Aaron:Itwasacoolmovie.
David:Damnright.
Me:Ineversawit.
Aaron:Well,attheendofthemovie,theyshootthesebig-assbouldersupatthesepiratesandlike,uh,crush'emandstuff.
Me:That'sverycool.
*
Ituckedmyrecorderawayandtriedmybesttokeep-upwithAaron,whowasleadingthepack.Inthemiddleofhisrun,Aaroncalledbacktoallofus,"Man,thisplaceismydream!"IguessedthatAaronhadathingforlivingintrees.
WeallexitedtheSwissFamilyRobinsonTreeHouse,pantingandsweatinglikeanimals,andslowlypacedourselvestotheridethatwasclosesttous:TheIndianaJonesTempleoftheForbiddenEyeAdventure.Excitedly,weallwalkedquicklyintothetemple-therewasnolineoutsideoftherideforthefirsttimeinhistory-andwalkedthroughthewinding,endlesscavethatservedasthelinefortheride.Wesawallofthebrokenbooby-trapsthathadbeensprungbyotherless-fortunatesouls,andwelaughedabouthowsomeoftheformationsinthecavelookedlikedisclosedpartsofthemalehumananatomy.Itactuallytooklongerforustowalkthroughallofthecrapthattheyhadbeforetheridethanittookforustowaitinline,andinnotimeatall,wewereneartherideitself,readytoboardourspecialIndianaJonesjeepandgothroughtheride.
ItwasAaron'sfirsttimegoingontheIndianaJonesRide,andheseemedespeciallyexcitedasweboardedourcar.Earlier,AaronhadspokenofDannyjumpingaroundlikeathree-yearoldkid,butnowitseemedasifhewasthethree-yearoldkid.Luckily,Aarongotthedriver'sseatoftheentirecar,andhebeganfantasizingthathewasactuallydrivingthedamnthing.Aswebuckledoursafetybeltsandpackedourstuffsafelyunderneathourseats,Ijoined-inAaron'sdreamandpretendedaswellthathewasactuallydrivingourcar.Asthecarjoltedtolifeandpulled-uptothefrontofthetunnel,IleanedoverfrommyseatandlookedatAarondirectlyintheeye.
"Okay,man,"Isaidtohiminafalse-heroicvoice."Wegotseventeenpassengersonthiscarwhoaredependingonyoutodriveusthroughthiscrapaliveandunharmed.Thiscar-well,I'lljustsaythatitain'tnoLexus,butitshouldgetthejobdone.We'reabouttogo,butbeforewedo,here'saPopQuiz:You'reinadesertedancienttemplewithyou'reclosestfriendsinapileofshitcarthatcan'trunforshit.Whatdoyoudo,man?Whatdoyoudo?"
Aaronlookedatmewithfalse-seriousness."Getridofthetemple,"hesaidinhisbestKeanuReevesimpression.
"Youlearnfast,"IremarkedtomydriverasIgotbackinmyseatandsatbackastheridestarted-up.
Thecarstarted-upwithajoltandlurchedforward,makingalotofnoiseasitwent.Slowly,bumpingalong,weenteredadeep,darkhallwiththreedoorsfacingus.Onedoorwasgold,theotherwaspink,andthelastwasblue.ToAaron,Iwhispered,"Whichone'youwanna'enter,HotShot?"
Aaronactuallythoughtthathehadachoice.Hewasabouttorespondwithananswerwhenthecarsuddenlyshotforwardandintothebluedoortoourright.AarontookafirmgriponthesteeringwheelinfrontofusandwidenedhiseyesasweenteredthechamberoftheForbiddenEye.Asthebluedoorclosedquietlybehindus,agiant,goldenfaceappearedinfrontofourvehicleandsaid,"Youhavechosenthegiftoffutureknowledge.Nowcloseyoureyesandwaitforittocome."
IlookedoveratAaron."Hey,man,"Isaidcalmly."Closeyourdamneyes..."
Iwastoolate.WithAaroncuriouslylookingatthegoldenfaceinfrontofhim,thetemplesuddenlyeruptedintoagiantwailofgroansandshrieks,andthegroundbelowusbegantoshakefuriously.Avoicescreamed,"FOOLS!YOUDARELOOKINTOMYEYES!"
IlookedoveratAaronandscreamedathim,"Ahcrap,nowlookwhatyou'vedone!"
OurcarsuddenlyburstforwardpasttheForbiddenEyeandintoalong,narrowhallwaywithboltsofelectricityflashingonbothsides.WeflewdownthiscorridorwitheaseandflewpastascenewithananimatronicIndianaJonesfigureholdingadoorbackfromopening.Thefigurescreamed,"Ahtourists!Youhadtolookintheeyes,didn'tyou?Nowwe'reinBIGtrouble!Gototheleft,theleft!"
Afanfareoftrumpetsblurted-outtheIndianaJonesThemeasweshotpastthefigureandintoalarge,fieryarenawithagiantskeletoninfrontofabridgeasthecenterpiece.WesloweddownjustatinybitandIscreamedatAaron,"DRIVEYOUDUMBFRUIT!DRIVE!"Likemagic,wesuddenlyshotforwardandintoaroomwithskeletonsaroundeverycorner.Aarontookadeadly,fiercegriponthesteeringwheelandturneditastheentirevehicleturnedablindcorner.Thepeoplearounduswerescreaminglikemad,andIyelledatAaron,"Doyouhearthembackthere,HotShot?They'redyingbackthere!Getusoutta'here!"
Thevehiclelurchedforwardandontothebridgethatwehadseenasthecenterpieceofthearena.Westoppedrightinthemiddle,justinfrontofthegiantskeletonheaditself,andadeadlygreenlasershotoutfromtheskeletonheadatusandrockedthecarfiercely.IscreamedatAarontodrive,andhecompliedwithbittereagerness,shootingusintoagiantroomfullofsnakes.Agiantsnakeonourrightsnappedfiercelyatus,andasareaction,AaronandIboththrew-uptheWestHigh"W".Wezoomedpastthesnake,downunderthebridgebyapitoffire,andfinallyslowed-downintoadimly-litroomwithholesinthewallsandpaintingsofskeletonsinit.Wecruisedbyhereslowly,andsuddenly,theholesinthewallbeganshootingdartsatus.Theyflewpastmyhead,behindmyback,andIscreamedatAaron,"Ifyoudon'tgetusoutofheresoon,thenextdartthatcomesoutisgoingstraight-upyourass!"
Aaronpulledusoutofthereinahurry,(thankstomyloudthreat),anddroveusintoadark,ominousroomwhereIndianaJonespopped-outfromtheceilingandgreeted-uswarmly.Hewasabouttojumpontoourcarandgetawaywithuswhenagiant,rock-solidbouldercamerushingdownatusfromtheceilingandchasedouradventureraway.Aaron'seyeswidenedwithterrorasthatgiantrockbeganrollingstraightforus,andinafitofhysteria,heshotusunderneaththeboulderanddowntosafety,toourhomestationwherewehadcomefrom.Aswepulledback-uptowherewehadcomefromandsettledtoastop,Ilooked-overannoyinglyatAaronandasked,"Shouldweaddthistoyourbodycountormine?"
*
AftercheatingdeathintheTempleoftheForbiddenEyeandgettingawayinonepiece,weallmadeourwayoutofthetemple,steppedintothelight,andresumedourdayatDisneyland.Suddenly,inthesunlight,Aaronwasn'tanadventureranymore,andalthoughthiscameasasadreminderofreality,Istillhadenoughgutstopull-outmyrecorderandhittheRECORDbutton:
*
Me:Captain'sLog.WearenowoutsideofIndianaJones'TempleoftheForbidden Eye.Ithinkthatweareallokay-Aaron'salittleshaken-up...
Aaron:Idrove,man!
Me:Ah,youtriedto.
*
Puttingmyrecorderaway,Iledthegroupawayfromtheeviltempleandaroundthefrontofthepark,throughMainStreetUSA.AfterbrowsingthroughsomeoftheshopsandwavingtosomeofthefoolishDisneycharactersonthestreet,weallmadeourwaythroughthemajesticSleepingBeautyCastleandintoFantasyLand,wheresuchanimatedfilmsasPinochioandSnowWhitecametolife.JustinsideFantasyLand,behindthecastle,AaronspottedthecharacterCinderellatakingpictureswithlittlekidsonasmallstagethatwassetasideforher.Becausethegirllookedsodelicate,sodoll-like,Aarongaveher"theeye"andshouted-out,"Hey,areyoumadeoutofplastic?"WhenCinderellagavehimanastylook,Aaronlaughedheartilyandswiftlyboundedaway.
ThesevenofusmadeourwaythroughtheheartofFantasyLand,laughingandsmilingallthewaylikeagroupofelementaryschoolchildren.TherewasjustsomethingaboutFantasyLandthatbroughtoutthekidinallofus,andthisaddedtothefeelingofchildhoodwondermentthatwewereallfeeling.Stayinginonebiggroupandnotlettingeachotheroutofoursight,wejoggedhappilypastMr.Toad'sWildRide,swiftlyboundedpasttheSleepingBeautyCarosel,andranstraightthroughTheMadHatter.Asweran,thetimepassedalltooswiftlyforus.ItseemedformethateverytimeIlookedatmywatch,itwasfifteenminuteslaterthanithadbeenbefore,andinDisneylandTime,that'savery,VERYlongtime.
WewerebouncingpasttheAliceinWonderlandTeacupswhenNancysuddenlystoppeddeadinhertracksandshouted-out,"Heyyouguys!Whereareweallgoingnext?"
Thatbroughtourhappyparadetoasuddenhalt.Stoppingabruptlyandlookingaroundateachother,weallfoundthatwehadnoanswertoNancy'ssuddenquestion.Westillhadmanyhoursuntilourdayended,sotherewasactuallyaplethoraofridestochosefrom.TherewasSpaceMountainallthewayontheothersideofthepark,andStarToursrightnexttothat.TherewasBigThunderMountainneartheRiversofAmerica,and...
"Heyguys,"Wei-hansaidsuddenly,lookingaboveourheadsandtosomethingaboveusinthedistance.
WeallturnedandlookedatwhatWei-hanwaslookingat.Itwasagiant,whitestructurethatwasperhapsthemaintrademarkofDisneylanditself.Afterstaringatitforalittlebitandthinkingintently,wealllookedateachotherandgrinned.
"Let'sgototheMatterhorn,"Isaidsmartly,voicingeveryone'sthoughtsaloud.
Therewasnoarguementtothatsuggestion.
*
ThelinetotheMatterhornBobsleds,unlikeeveryotherrideintheparkthatday,wasconsiderablylong.Althoughnotnearlyaslongasitwouldbeonweekendsandnotevenhalfaslongasitwouldbeinthesummer,thelinestillwoundthroughtheboardingstationoftherideandstretchedafewyardsagainstthesideofthemountain,pasttheactualrideitselfandnearthelakethathousedtheDisneylandSubmarineAdventure.Adimyellowsignattheendofthelineread,"THEWAITFROMTHISPOINTONWARDIS5 MINUTES."
Indefianceofthetell-talesignthatwaspostedattheendoftheline,meandmyentiregroupgottotheboardingstationoftherideinlessthanaminute.Whilewaitingintheshortlinetheretoboardtheride,Ipulled-outmyinfamoustape-recorderandonceagainhitthebrightredRECORDbutton:
*
Me:WearenowenteringtheMatterhornBobsledsofDisneyland,USA.There'sTomKwon,DanielKim,Arturo,andBrian.
(ToTomandhisfriends)Comeonyouguys!Speak!Speakintotherecorder!
Tom:No!Getoutta'here,(laugh)...damnfreshmen.
Me:Well,theyseemtobeashamedtobeseenwithus.That'sokay,though.Idon'tgiveadamnaboutthosefaggot-Juniorsanyway.
Daniel:Hey!
Me:NancyandWei-hanareoffbuyingChurrossomewhere...theyshouldbejoiningusinlineanyminute.Ohwell,we'reabouttogeton.Bye-bye.
*
NancyandWei-hanjoined-usinthelinewithwarm,crispChurrossmotheringintheirhands.Eatinghappily,theyfell-inbehindusandwalkedforwardslowlytowardstheboardingstationoftheride.Inafewminutes,wewereallseatedwarmlyinourbob-sledswithTimmyandIinoneseat,AaronandDavidinanother,Wei-hanandNancytogether,andDannyallalonesomewhereintheback.TherewasabriefhesitationasaMatterhornemployeecheckedallofoursafetybelts,andafterbeingchecked-outbytheridemanager,oursledshot-offintothebowelsoftheMatterhorn.
TimmyandIsatinthefrontsledandbegantoscreamloudlyinfalse-frightasweclimbedaverysteepanddarkinclinetothetopoftherollercoaster.Fakesnowfellallaroundus,feelingascoldandaswetastherealthing,andasweslowedtoanear-stopandbeganourdecentdownthemountain,DavidandAaronjoinedinourscreamsandbegantryingtorockthesledoffofthetrack.
WezoomeddownthetracksoftheMatterhornlikeaspeedingbullet,pastaroomfullofcrystalsandrightunderneaththenoseofthefierceAbominableSnowman.Wecaughtglimpsesoftheentireparkasourslidhittheoutskirtsofthemountain,andasweshotdownalongstraight-away,IbegantoscreamsoloudlyinTimmy'searthatheturnedaroundandscreamedback,"SHUTUP!"Ididn'tquietdown,though,andasweshotdownintoacoldpoolofwater,Ithrewmyhandsupandtriedtojumpthesledoffofitstracks.Whenmyweaktaskfailed,Istoppedscreamingandproceededtopullbackintothestationinsilence.