“I’m back, Dad.” – A dialogue with Jay Chou
Mr Chan Chung Ming, Clinical Psychologist
I heard that war is a tradeoff for peace
But why does my dad keep beating my mom
Like a drunkard beating a sandbag
I can’t take it I am no coward
I always have my mother’s love since young but why do I have such a raging father
If I have a pair of wings or two I would run away sneak away with my mum
They used to teach me that there must be reasons for other dads’ violence in the families
However, neither mom nor I had been wrong calling you dad – I’m back, dad.
I am not a fan of Jay Chou, but I saw his concert on television one time by chance. When I looked carefully at the lyrics, I found them to be very meaningful and echoing with the cases I have been dealing with. Jay Chou’s song voiced out a question asked by many kids: Why does daddy beat mommy?
There are indeed reasons for the use violence in a marital relationship. However, these reasons are multiple and vary from case to case.
I had once come across a case in which the husband married a wife in the Mainland and would regularly visit his wife and their two children in the Mainland. Everything was well at that time. The family later joined the husband in Hong Kong and found out that the husband cum father was a junkie who had been jailed for committing crimes and drug-related offences. Although he had turned a new leaf and hadn’t committed any crimes, he hadn’t been able to quit his drug addiction or maintain a stable employment. To his children, he was usually a good daddy who took them to school, taught them how to do their homework, and was not bad to his wife. But once his drug addiction relapsed and he had no money, he would ask mommy for money and even beat her. Sometimes he would have an outburst at home and smash everything to pieces.
Whenever daddy got “mad”, mommy and the kids were scared. The social worker was like a pair of wings that flew them to a safe refuge centre. They were very ambivalent as they were equally as resolute to leave their father as they were nostalgic of the ‘good’ father that he was when he was normal. Later, they decided to give him a chance: “Daddy, we are back.” After overcoming their fear, they decided to stick with their father and hope he will make a complete transformation one day.
In fact, this junkie father had tried hard to better himself. He accepted counselling and joined our growth group. From the meeting, I could see the bright side of the father from his family’s perspective. He admitted his problem, knew how much he hurt his family when he got “mad”, and knew that his family never gave up on him. He had tried to quit his addiction many times, but was never successful. To him, it wasn’t hard to stop taking the drug, but the pressure from real life pulled him back to the world of addiction and its instant pleasure time and time again.
Due to his longtime addiction and criminal lifestyle, all of his relatives had left him and he was left with a band of brothers who were in the same boots as him. Aged 50 and without any practical skills, he could hardly find a job in the present circumstances. Moreover, to a former gangster who was also chauvinistic, the untiring yet pragmatic love from his wife was a source of much pressure – she was long-winded, stringent on his wallet, didn’t let him leave home, and would endlessly reproach him for his old deeds when they quarrelled…
Of course the kids wanted peace after war, but the collaboration of all parties involved was needed for this peace in real life. What has been supporting this junkie father to continue with his struggle was not only his strong desire to establish his own family At the same time, the acceptance and longing from his wife and children as well as the many aids and assistance from the social service organizations were also important to him.
In one interview with me, he confessed that over the years, he had locked himself up and struggled alone with all the pressure and discontent in life. Now he was trying to launch a step forward, going grocery shopping with his wife or playing with his kids in the parks, hoping that this would help soothe his loneliness and quit the addiction. I believe this is indeed the change that his wife and children have been waiting for – soon he can say to them: “Daddy is back.”
Note / This article is translated by a translation company from the corresponding original Chinese article in the Chinese section of this website. It is meant to be just an approximation of the original article for the benefit of readers who do not read Chinese.