RESOURCE GUIDANCE NOTES
Title of Resource: How An Abusive Partner Can Affect You As A ParentClient: Adult Parent Victim
Purpose: To highlight how parenting can be compromised by an abusive partner
Please Note: This worksheet Courtesy of Helping Children Thrive
©Centre for Children and families in the Justice system 2004
This worksheet can be used for use with a victim Mother or Father.
Guidance for Use:
It is often difficult for a Parent to recognise the full extent of living in an abusive relationship, particularly in respect of their capacity to parent the children. It may be that the family have Social Care involved due to concerns about the welfare, safety or care of a child/children in the home when domestic violence and abuse have been an issue.
This worksheet encourages a victim Parent to consider how their parenting may have been affected and how this in turn has impacted on the children. It is important that the Parent is not made to feel guilty or to blame for not ‘seeing’ this …. Few Parents do.
It is, however, important to recognise that being willing to explore the impact is a strength, even if it is a difficult task. It will allow the Parent and support worker to recognise what may have been compromised and to develop a plan which will encourage these issues to be addressed.
This work-sheet is designed to be used after the abuse has ended but can be adapted to use when the relationship is on-going.
How an Abusive Partner Can Affect You as a Parent
An abusive partner can affect all parts of your life including parenting.
Did any of these things affect your ability to be the best Parent you could be?
□I was stressed out and worried all the time(I still feel this:- Yes/No)
□I was emotionally and physically exhausted(I still feel this:- Yes/No)
□I had no confidence in my abilities as a Parent(I still feel this:- Yes/No)
□I never had enough money to take care of my children properly(This is still true:- Yes/No)
□I was constantly afraid for our safety(This is still true:- Yes/No)
□I drank too much or took drugs to cope(This is still true:- Yes/No)
□I felt like running away from life and my responsibilities(I still feel this:- Yes/No)
An abusive partner can interfere with your parenting. Did any of these things happen?
□They insulted me so much the children had no respect for me as a person
□The children did not listen to me as a Parent or obey my rules
□They made me do the demanding or unpleasant tasks (nappies, homework, saying “no”), and only did the things they enjoyed or madethem look good to others
□They criticised me as a bad Parent
□They spoiled the children so I had to be the one to set limits and say “no”
□They refused advice from me about how to be a better Parent – ‘they were always right’
□They threatened to call Social Care about me and make untrue allegations about me
□They threatened to take the children back to our/their home country
□They did not give me enough money to take care of the family
□They said if I didn’t do what they wanted, they would hit/hurt the children
After you separated, have any of these things happened?
□The children are used to spy on me or bring messages back to me
□The children are told the separation is my fault (“It’s their fault we’re not all together")
□They won’t let me get support for the children
□They freak out when my new partner treats my children in a positive parenting manner
□They refuse to pay child support or are pressuring me to accept little or no child support
□I worry if the children are safe when they visit them
□They are fighting me in court to get custody of the children
□They fought in court to visit them and now leaves them with relatives/friends when they visit
□They called Social Care about me and reported me as a bad Parent
With the children, here are some things you may have seen …….
□They had rules that were too strict
□Rules were applied unfairly or inconsistently
□They used harsh discipline, sometimes physical discipline like spanking or worse
□They expected them to act or understand things as if they were adults
□They took it out on the children if they had had a bad day
□They didn’t understand them as individuals (e.g. that one is afraid of dogs)
□They ignored them except when in the mood to be a Parent or when they wanted company
□They were too easy-going, or swung between strict control and letting them do anything
□They expected them to behave as if we were still back home in our country
How did this affect the children?
□They get confused about what the rules really are
□The children are learning to treat me in the same was as they treated me
□They don’t listen to me because they do not respect me as theParent
□They want to live with they because they let them get away with anything
□They get caught between British Society and our ways from back home
□They are dis-respectful about the other gender
Do any of these statements describe you as you look back?
□I was quick to get angry at the children because I was so tired and frustrated
□I expected them to change their behaviour to keep them happy (e.g. being extra quiet)
□I wish I had praised them more and told them they are good kids
□I wish I had paid more attention to the children
□I stayed with them too long - I thought they needed ‘two parents’ even if one abused the other
□I would sometimes let them “get away with things” because their other Parent was so strict
Can you identify other ways that you feel the abuse has impacted on your parenting?Read the list of what you have checked off.
Are any of these things still true?
Which ones have you changed?
Which ones do you feel you still need to work on?
Name the change you would like to see? / How do you want to do this and who is available to help you?
Helping Children Thrive©Centre for Children and Families in the Justice System 2004