Taking Note

Hot Buttons: Heat out of control

By Nancy J. Litz, Psy.D.

We live in angry times. It is not uncommon anymore for us to read about a teenager shooting up his own school, parents and spouses flying into a rage and hurting members of their own families, or a motorist breaking the jaw of someone who took his parking place (Evans & Cohen, 2000). While we are horrified by these stories, we probably don’t realize that many of them began as small instances of anger unmanaged. Anger is a natural response to stress. It blocks painful emotions and can discharge high levels of arousal experienced during periods of anxiety and fear, loss and depression, hurt, guilt, feelings of failure and unworthiness. We become angry when we feel attacked, controlled or abandoned. We all experience times when we become angry out of proportion to the stressors in our lives. At these times, a particular hot button has been pushed.

A hot button is an emotional trigger. It can be different for different people. Often when we feel devalued or threatened, we become enraged. When someone calls you names, doesn’t respond to you, is condescending, challenges your competence, or doesn’t appreciate you, they are pushing your hot buttons. These people really get under your skin. They have taken aim at your core self and you feel abused.

The response to having your buttons pushed is different for different people, but many react explosively. Not all explosions are observable, but we still explode inside. If this happens to you, you are not the only one damaged. It also hurts anyone who has been on the receiving end of your rage.

We form most of our hot buttons at an early age. Our earliest experience with conflicts and the ways in which we manage them set the script for our future behavior. We develop a customized conflict style that can lock us into old patterns of responding. As we become aware of our conflict style, we can learn to diffuse the old buttons and learn new ways of responding to life’s stressors.

How can you tell when your anger is getting out of control? When we are getting angry, our bodies respond by releasing adrenaline. Often, our hearts race, our hands become sweaty, our faces get red and our bodies tense up. At these times, it is almost impossible to think or act productively, so we become trapped in our own anger (Weisinger, 1985). Following are some ways to deal with anger before it becomes poisonous:

  • Deep Breathing: Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, filling your abdomen and exhaling through your mouth, making a quiet, relaxing “whoosh” sound as you slowly blow out. Focus on the sound and feeling of your breathing as you become more and more relaxed. Repeat this at least three times, counting slowly to three on each inhale and each exhale.
  • Time-out: Walk away. Immediately isolate yourself from the anger-arousing situation.
  • Exercise: Go for a walk, ride a bike, go to the gym.
  • Humor: Look at the light side, acknowledge the absurdity of a situation.
  • Writing: Journaling is an effective way to express and discharge feelings.
  • Relaxation exercises: soothing music, visualizing a favorite place or time.

Even though anger can feel overwhelming, you still have a choice. If you choose to react to your own pushed buttons with an attitude of blinding anger, you’ll get nowhere. If you Take Note of what you need to do to diffuse your anger, you can react another way and find a solution. You can choose to turn off the heat before you reach the boiling point of anger and move on to healthier responses.

For a list of references used in this article and further reading on this topic, refer to my web page: