Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups/Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Practical Ministry Skills:

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups

/ Contentspage
Leader's Guide...... 2
Boundaries for Groups
Healthy Boundaries for Fellowship Groups
by Michael Mack...... 3
Pushing the Boundaries
by Trevor Lee...... 5
Boundaries for Leaders
Transparent Sharing
by Will Johnston...... 8
What You Should Not Share with Your Group
by Seth Widner...... 10
Biblical Principles for Pastoral Care in Small Groups
by Brian Pierce...... 12
Establishing Boundaries with Group Members of the Opposite Sex
by Seth Widner...... 15
Handling Difficult People
by Dr. Jim Jackson...... 18
Counsel or Refer?
by Rex L. Stancil...... 20
Coping with People Who Beef, Bite, and Bellyache
by Les Parrott...... 22
Emotional Stability
interview with Peter Scazzero...... 25
Resources
Further Exploration...... 28

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups/ How to Use This Resource

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups

/ How to Use This Resource
Take a quick peek here to maximize the content in this
training download.

After the novelty of a new group wears off, and you begin to really live life together, you're left with some complex relationships. And while boundaries may illicit images of saying "no," boundaries are really about saying "yes"—in healthy ways.

You'll need to create and maintain healthy boundaries if you want to have a healthy, growing small group. Use this resource to explore appropriate boundaries for you and your group.

Boundaries for Groups

These two articles will help you discuss appropriate boundaries with your group members. Help them understand the importance of boundaries and what their boundaries should be.

Boundaries for Leaders

These eight articles will help you determine what your boundaries should be, especially when working with and ministering to group members. Learn what you should share in groups, when it's time to refer a group memberto a professional counselor, how to handle difficult people, and how to keep yourself emotionally healthy.

—Amy Jackson is Associate Editor of SmallGroups.com.

Need more material or training on another small-groups ministry topic? See our website at

To contact the editors:

MailSmallGroups.com, Christianity Today

465 Gundersen Drive, Carol Stream, IL60188

From SmallGroups.com © 2012 Christianity Todaypage 1
SmallGroups.com

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups/ Boundaries for Groups

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups

/ Healthy Boundaries for Fellowship Groups
What a fellowship group is and isn't
By Michael Mack

What a Fellowship Small Group Is

A fellowship small group is a place where group members are supported, loved, held accountable, and encouraged. The longer the group has been together, the more likely these things will take place on a regular basis. The participants in a small fellowship or nurture group (as opposed to a content-oriented Bible-study group) share life together as a family. As they grow together, they are more able to trust one another, which builds their ability to support and pray for each other, to hold each other accountable, and even to confess their sins to one another (James 5:16).

In the past, people were cared for or "pastored" by a designated person, such as a staff minister or elder. But real care for people happens best in a small group where people know one another and are naturally concerned for each other. Relationships are built in groups before a crisis happens. Then, when a death, bankruptcy, or marital problem occurs, people are already prepared to care for the ones who are hurting.

Along with caring for one another, members of a healthy small group also encourage each other to serve people outside the group, share their faith, and live Christ-like lives in the world.

What a Fellowship Small Group Is Not

A fellowship small group isn't a recovery group. A fellowship group does not focus on recovering from some addiction or emotional difficulty. Leaders do not allow meeting after meeting to dwell on one person's problem or one particular predicament that a few members share.

A fellowship group should not turn into a counseling session. Members will have problems, and the rest of the group should be supportive. But counsel should never be offered unless it is asked for, and then only with great care. It is easy for a group to begin paying too much attention to one member or couple who is hurting at the neglect and expense of the rest of the group.

A fellowship isn't an accountability group, either. An accountability group is usually made up of only two to five members who focus on holding one another to spiritual disciplines and development. They work together on specific spiritual or moral issues, confess sins to one another, and practice "tough love" with each other. While the participants of a fellowship group will hold each other accountable, it will not be an accountability group.

Balanced Care

For an example of how this plays out, let's examine one question I was recently asked:

A couple in our fellowship group is having serious marital problems. A divorce is very possible. How can we help without intruding or going beyond the amount of ministry group members should perform?

The answer depends on how much trust your group has built with one another. If you have developed deep relationships with the couple, you can do more. I believe that part of the Christian life is being involved in one another's lives. We must be genuinely concerned for others. The question in this case is if the couple is willing to let the group be involved. If they're not willing, you have no business intruding. The main thing is to be available for them, let them know you are available, and pray for them. Don't get in over your head. Whatever the situation, remember that you are not a professionalcounselor. If necessary, and if it is appropriate to do so, talk to a staff minister or an elder at your church. He or she may need to step in, for the good of the couple and of the group.

Discuss:

What is the purpose of your group? How well is it spelled out and understood by group members?
In the past, how has your group handled needs group members? What worked well and what didn't work well?
What is your natural inclination to helping group members? Do you tend to get too involved or not involved enough? What about your group members? How can you find the balance?

/ Pushing the Boundaries
Practical tips for setting boundaries in small groups
By Trevor Lee

Testing Your Limits

"I just really need someone to come and be with me right now." The disheartened and urgent voice on the other end of the phone was Sarah, one of the women in my small group. Sarah has a very difficult life—a husband who isn't around, barely making enough to pay for a small apartment, and often not sure who will watch her 10-year-old son while she's at work. On this particular day, all the burdens of life were crushing her, and she reached out to me.

My heart went out to Sarah, but there was a problem. My wife and I had decided one of the boundaries we'd both stick to was not being in a private place with someone of the opposite sex—a car, the church when no one else was around, and especially a house or apartment. Sarah was in no condition to go out and she was urging me to come see her. She was in need.

It's inevitable that needs will arise in your small group. Figuring out how to effectively help group members is an important part of a thriving small group. And part of that is setting appropriate boundaries to avoid difficult situations and fractured relationships.

Here are four practical steps to help your group set boundaries.

Step 1: Help people think about it.

Most small-group members aren't thinking about their boundaries for helping others. The first step in handling this issue in a healthy way is providing resources that will help people think through this issue as individuals, couples, and families. If you dive right into the topic as a group, it's difficult for people to know where they stand.But if you give them some time to think it through first, the group interactions will be easier. You might ask group members to:

Read Scripture dealing with life together in community: Acts 2:42–47, Galatians 6:1–10, Colossians 3:1–17.
Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Or you can read the book and put together a one-page summary to hand out).
Come up with a description of what healthy boundaries look like in these four areas: financial, physical, emotional, and spiritual.

Step 2: Talk about it.

This is so simple, but it almost never happens. Giving group members resources to think about boundaries on their own is good, but taking the next step of having a group discussion is even more important. We make all kinds of assumptions about boundaries and without discussion, they remain just that—assumptions.

A conversation about boundaries can seem intimidating, but in my experience people are actually relieved to have the conversation. It is easier for people to discuss boundaries before needs arise than to try and do it when a need is on the table. Once a specific need arises, the conversation will be much more emotionally charged because real people and real needs are at stake.

Use these questions to have a productive discussion:

What should be the role of a small group in meeting each other's physical, emotional, and spiritual needs?
What are the principles or stories from the Bible that shape your opinion about how and when we should meet each other's needs?
If you've been in small groups that have wrestled with this issue before, what worked and what didn't?
As a group, how do we want to respond to financial needs that arise? Emotional needs? Physical needs? Spiritual needs? (While you can't anticipate the details of the needs that will arise, you can have a general plan for how you'll figure out what to do.)

Step 3: Share the load.

Talking about boundaries can seem negative—a list of all the things you won't or can't do for each other. But as you engage in discussion, point out that boundaries can promote a close-knit and loving small group because they give you a way to help each other in times of need. Let me give you an example.

One boundary that can work well in small groups is having group members bring significant needs to the whole group, not just one group member or family. When you need a cup of sugar, no big deal, but if you need $1,000 to cover unexpected medical costs, that need should be brought to the whole group. If that need were expressed to one group member or family, it could lead to feelings of resentment, embarrassment, guilt, or anger—all of which lead to relational distance. When big needs are brought to the whole group, though, the group has a chance to figure out if there are ways to work together to meet the need without putting anyone on the spot.

The other benefit of working together to meet needs—financial or otherwise—is that it provides accountability for the boundaries you've discussed. On your own it can be hard to stick to boundaries, but in the context of a group with agreed-upon boundaries, natural accountability arises. This makes things easier on a person who is in need and on those being asked.

Step 4: Come away with mutual understanding.

As your group works through boundaries, it's very likely that everyone in the group will not have 100 percent agreement on what those boundaries should be. In most cases the differences will be minimal, but there are times when the differences are substantial. I was in a group where one couple was very private and set up significant boundaries while another couple was interested in trying communal living. Asking them to agree on boundaries would have been very difficult.

Whether the differences are large or small, it is important that everyone comes away with mutual understanding. I've found it helpful to come up with some basic boundaries that everyone can agree on. Having the conversation about boundaries will also alert you to member differences within the group. That understanding allows the couple interested in communal living to see that other couples may not be ready to join them.

Lead the Way

The reality of being a small-group leader is that people are likely to bring their needs to you first. So it is essential that you work through your personal boundaries and are prepared to respond to the needs that arise—whether it's something like my situation with Sarah, or a group member asking you personally for money. I can't give you a standardized answer for how you should respond, but there are three things you need to consider.

First, be aware of what you can handle. Some people can sit with others in crisis on a daily basis while others are burned out by it. Some people are able and willing to help others financially while others are scraping by. It is best for your group if you set boundaries that allow you to keep leading the group with passion for a long time. So think through how God has made you and what you can handle, and then set appropriate boundaries.

Second, listen to the Holy Spirit. This sounds like a cliché, but it's a powerful principle to follow. The Holy Spirit has been given to us as a gift to guide us. Sometimes the Holy Spirit will call you to help in a way that is difficult for you. Sometimes the Holy Spirit will lead you not to help in the way a person is asking, which is equally difficult. But if you follow the Spirit's leading, you can rest in the assurance that you're doing what God wants you to do.

Third, honor your group boundaries. If you feel the Spirit is leading you to cross those boundaries, talk to your group about it before you act. They can pray with you about breaching the boundary you've agreed on. If you break your group boundaries, you can't expect others to live by them either.

Back to Sarah

The day Sarah called me to come and be with her, our interaction didn't go well. Because we hadn't discussed boundaries ahead of time she couldn't understand why I wouldn't come to her apartment to be with her. She felt like I didn't care. She also got the impression from my response that my wife didn't like her and that we didn't trust her. None of these things were true, but I can understand why she felt the way she didin the moment.

This experience made me realize how important it is to set boundaries in small groups—and to include everyone in the conversation. So first think through your own boundaries. Then lead your group in this important conversation. Healthy, shared boundaries are an important element of a healthy small group.

Discuss:

When have you and/or your group experienced difficulty with boundaries?
Are you clear on your own boundaries? Why or why not? How can you gain more clarity?
Helping your group members understand the need for boundaries and think through their own boundaries is extremely beneficial. What step(s) can you take at your next meeting to help your group members begin this process?

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups/ Boundaries for Leaders

Healthy Boundaries for Small Groups

/ Transparent Sharing
How much should I share?
ByWill Johnston

We've all been there, haven't we? There's something that's tearing us apart, and we're just not sure who to tell or what to do. Maybe it's a sin: lust, drunkenness, gossip, pride, greed. Maybe it's a wound from the past: neglect, divorce, the loss of a loved one. Maybe your life just isn't what it seems. Maybe you're fine on the outside but on the inside you're crumbling because your business is falling apart: you can't have children, your marriage is on the rocks, or you're wrestling with depression.