Hannah’s story
A health problem which started in the winter of 2010 kick started my anxiety. I was told from doctor to doctor that it would go away - in fact I was given different time periods from a range of doctors on when the problem would go. It didn't. As I begin to manage my health problem, anxiety was absent from my life until I started with a bad headache one day. Was this going to last forever like my other health problem? How could I trust the doctors, they were so wrong last time? What if I have to live with this for the rest of my life? And this is where my journey of mental health began.
I didn't recognise my thoughts as irrational; to me this headache WAS going to go on forever, I was certain of it. The more I thought and focused on my body, other symptoms cropped up and the same thought process happened. I started to be conscious of my breathing, how many times I blinked, how many times I swallowed. I remember putting a Vaseline type cream on my eyes everyday at school for at least six weeks just to convince myself and others that I really did have something wrong with me and that I wasn't just been irrational.
The medical obsessions soon became thought obsessions.. if I watched a scary film and got an image in my head I would be so convinced that I would have that horrible image in my head forever. The more I focused on the image, the more distressed I got and the more 'crazy' I felt I was becoming. I didn't understand what was happening to me, I was so scared and couldn't cope with these constant thoughts anymore, I left school and alienated myself from friends and family. I was so embarrassed of what I was going through, so scared of people thinking I was 'crazy' if they knew how I was thinking. I so badly wanted to be how I was before, without this constant analysing of everything that went through my head. I soon went into a downward spiral, I was angry and alone and I became very withdrawn. I remember thinking 'why would anyone want to spend time with me' 'why would anyone want to be friends with someone that was so sad'
Eventually I began to realise I was suffering with anxiety, as much as that was liberating I knew I wouldn't be able to receive the help I needed for a good year and a half.
I started seeing friends again when I was having 'good days' but often put on this 'face' that I was absolutely fine, convincing myself I was just as I was before. It was exhausting 'acting' this way, but I never wanted to speak about how I was truly thinking in case they thought I was weird or crazy. I was desperate to be how I was before, going to university like my friends and living independently. They knew I was having a hard time but mental health is so invisible. It is not like a broken leg, people cannot see the pain you are going through, it is not something that can just be 'fixed'.
Obviously my anxiety continued without any professional help in place. As soon as a thought came into my head I pulled it to bits. Them 'bad unwanted thoughts' that every gets now and again became particularly distressing for me. I began having intrusive thoughts, they were so disturbing and horrific and I was so frightened that they were true of me. I was so distressed by them I become hysterical on many occasions and didn't want to live anymore. Of course then I didn't realise I was actually suffering from a type of OCD.
By the time I saw the CBT therapist I was in a bad place, I did not want to tell him about the obsessive and intrusive thoughts I had been having out of fear that he may think I was at harm to others. Of course he had dealt with many cases like mine and he knew what I was suffering from was OCD. He explained that everyone experienced bad or unwanted thoughts from time to time but because of my obsessive nature I focused on them to the point that I believed they were true of me, the more I suppressed them the more they got stronger and more distressing. Of course I never ever would have taken action on my thoughts, I hated them, they disgusted me, they were not who I was. Other thoughts like fearing going to sleep in case I didn't wake up were also a problem as well as me focusing on bodily functions such as counting how many times I blinking or swallowing. They all followed the same patterned, they all started as normal 'harmless' thoughts that everyone has to ones that I obsessed over until they were so distressing I couldn't face leaving the house.
It was not until my therapy started and I visited MIND that I really accepted my mental illness, and quite honestly embraced it. The big moment for change for me was the therapist saying 'Hannah, you are not a victim of this, it does not have to define who you are, you can achieve just as much and have the same opportunities as anyone else'. 'Why can't you start college', 'why can't you have a job like anyone else', 'why can't you go on holiday with my friends'. Of course I came up with these excuses like 'I will be anxious', or 'I won't have fun because I won't have slept' and the thought of even starting college was ridiculous to me, no way I could cope with that.
He said 'the only way you are going to start overcoming your anxiety is by challenging it, by not letting it control you'. I began thinking, actually yes, actually why am I letting this control me, why am I acting like the victim. It was after that meeting I decided I would not let this ruin my life, I would not let this stop me achieving everything I wanted to achieve. I would live, in despite of my OCD. Me and my therapist knew that it would be extremely difficult for me to do this and that I would have hard times challenging my OCD, but I would give it a go.
From that point I started speaking openly about my mental health, telling my friends and family exactly how it was and how I was feeling and it was then I really started overcoming it. My friends and family were so supportive , I was so lucky, I only wished Id spoken to them on this level sooner. The more I challenged it, the more I recovered, I started College and now I am at University, something I never thought would be possible.
I really believe talking about mental health is the key to recovery. We must challenge these stereotypes that people with mental health are 'crazy', 'violent' and a 'danger to society'. It is because of these stereotypes that people suffering with mental health do not seek help. It is astonishing that 9 out if 10 people with mental health suffer from stigma. Mental health needs to be accepted like physical health - just like your physical health your mental health can be unwell too.
As for me, I don't think I will ever live completely without my OCD popping up now and again. I still have bad days, but so does everyone right? I know that sometimes it will be worse than others, but what is different now Is that I know I will be OK, I have ways of managing it, It is part of who I am and now I can live my life in despite of it. I will live controlling my OCD, not it controlling me. I will live my life and have the same opportunities as everyone else, I will own it.
Many thanks to Hannah for writing and sharing her story.