Female Relational Aggression
Relational aggression includes acts that harm others through damage or threat of damage to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion. There are two types of behavior. Relationally aggressive behavior is ignoring someone to punish them or get one’s way, excluding someone for revenge, using negative body language/facial expressions, sabotaging someone’s relationship or threatening to end a relationship, unless a “friend” agrees to a request/demand. In these acts the tormentor uses her relationship with the victim as a weapon. Indirect aggressionallows the tormentor to avoid confronting the target by spreading rumors, social exclusion and enlisting a “small army of mediators” to do their work. Girls tend to be covert in their aggression in that it’s just not about getting caught, but looking like they’d never mistreat someone in the first place. They are very aware of the “Sugar and Spice” image and the power behind it.
Girls Social Structure
Cliques are sophisticated, complex, multilayered and every girl has a role in them. Roles are static. The various roles your daughter and friends might play include:
The Queen Bee- She feels power and control over her environment. She’s the center of attention and people play homage to her. What does she lose? A real sense of self. She’s so busy maintaining her image that she loses herself in the process.
The Sidekick- She’s second in command and her power depends on the confidence she gets from the Queen Bee. What does she lose? The right to express her personal opinion.
The Banker-Information is currency in “Girl World”. The banker creates chaos everywhere by banking information about girls in their social spheres and dispensing it at strategic intervals for her own benefit. She is almost as powerful as the Queen Bee. What does she lose? She loses the trust of the other girls.
The Floater- She associates with a variety of cliques. She has friends in different groups and moves freely among them. Her peers like her for who she is as a person. What doesshe lose? Nothing!
The Torn Bystander- She is constantly conflicted between doing the right thing and her allegiance to the group. She is often caught between two clashing girls or groups. However, she has access to popularity and status. What does she lose? A great deal! She may choose not to join certain clubs which might be perceived as “geeky” or “dumb herself down” to avoid notice.
The Please! Wannabe Messenger- She will do anything to be in good graces of the Queen Bee and Sidekick. She’s a careful observer, especially of girls in power. She’ll mimic clothes, style, etc. Her security in the group depends on her doing the dirty work of the Queen Bee, such as spreading rumors about the target. What does she lose? Personal authenticity-she hasn’t figured out who she is or what she values. She’s insecure and has difficulty developing person boundaries.
The Target- She’s the victim, set up to be ridiculed and humiliated. Targets are assumed to be out of the clique and “losers” and while this can be true, they can also be someone inside the clique who challenged someone higher on the social totem pole and need to be taken down a peg. What do they gain? She may develop empathy and understanding for people who are bullied or discriminated against. She has the opportunity to step back and view the situation with objectivity and she can choose to hang out with others who will be true friends. What do they lose? She feels totally helpless in the face of the other girls’ cruelty. She’s ashamed of being rejected and vulnerable.
Resources
Best Friends, Worst Enemies – Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace
Good Friends are Hard to Find by Fred Frankel
Mom, They’re Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems by Michael Thompson
Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule and Verbal Bullying by Judy Freedman
Odd Girl out – the Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
Odd Girl Speaks Out by Rachel Simmons
Queen Bees & Wannabes – Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman
Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads by Rosalind Wiseman
Salvaging Sisterhood by Julia Taylor
Building your Child’s Moral Intelligence: the Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing by Michele Borba
Please Stop Laughing at Me by Jodee Blanco
Bullying at School by Dan Olweus