Episode III: The Crazy Murderer Kid
INT. COMAN KITCHEN--MORNING
ROCKY sits at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper. KRYSTAL pours him a cup of coffee, and SID walks into the room.
KRYSTAL
Well, someone was out late last night.
SID
I was with a friend.
KRYSTAL
Don’t be ridiculous honey! You don’t have friends!
SID
Now, thanks to Diana’s magic, I do. I hung out with Winter.
ROCKY
The girl you named the toaster after?
CUT TO:
Shot of toaster, with the words “A Winter Breeze” taped on. Toast pops out.
BACK TO:
The original scene.
SID
That was before I realized the Irony of naming something that toasts things “A Winter Breeze.”
ROCKY
Oh right, so then you carved her name in a block of ice.
SID
But then I realized she might be thought of as “Icy,” and “Cold Hearted,” so then I just named that reindeer after her.
KRYSTAL
We had a reindeer?
SID
Well now it’s just a funny smell in the basement. Anyway, then I named the mirror in my bathroom after her, but then I felt self conscious, and named a stapler after her. That broke in sludge hammer incident-
CUT TO:
Shot of ROCKY beating the crap out of a stapler with a sludge hammer.
ROCKY
How dare you kill my wife!
KRYSTAL walks into the scene.
KRYSTAL
Honey, honey, I was just at the store!
ROCKY
Oh, don’t freak me out like that!
ROCKY and KRYSTAL go inside. SID enters the scene whistling, then he sees the shattered mess.
SID
Winter! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BACK TO:
The scene.
KRYSTAL
You weren’t to happy about that.
SID
Yeah, but I’ve gotten over it, because now, I have the real thing. Winter now officially realizes I exist.
ROCKY
Well that’s good son! Maybe now you’ll stop being such a loser and we can stop paying all those kids to not kick your ass!
SID
Wait, what?
Theme song.
INT. COMAN GUESTHOUSE
BANANA sits in the room reading a jewel catalogue. ALYSSA enters.
ALYSSA
Hey, I’ve been thinking, you know how we made out then went late into the night talking about our feelings?
BANANA
Yeah?
ALYSSA
So, are we like, going out?
BANANA
I dunno, are we?
ALYSSA
Oh good, I thought you might think we were. I can not tell you how relieved I am. Anyway, I met this guy, he’s known as “The Twist” and I met him in front of the looney bin.
BANANA
You mean the insane asylum on Maine street?
ALYSSA
Yeah, the one right between the gun store and Kevin’s Cutlery.
BANANA
The one across the street from the Daycare?
ALYSSA
Yeah, well he walked out of it, told me this story of like some kind of murder, yadda yadda yadda, we made out behind a bush.
BANANA
A bush? I thought that was our thing . . .
ALYSSA
Yeah, whatever.
BANANA
Wait, what murder was he talking about?
ALYSSA
I don’t remember, I was sooooooo dizzy!
BANANA
I don’t understand! You’re dumping me for a lunatic?
ALYSSA
A lunatic with a six pack!
BANANA
I have potassium!
ALYSSA
Well, that’s just not gonna cut it. Good bye banana, goodbye!
ALYSSA leaves.
BANANA
I must protect Alyssa! Sid will know what to do.
INT. COMAN KITCHEN
ROCKY sits reading the newspaper, the kitchen is noticeably more messy. KRYSTAL walks in.
KRYSTAL
It’s unbearable! Rocky, we need a new cleaning woman!
ROCKY
Fine, should I go get the gun?
KRYSTAL
No, I don’t have time to leave the country, we’ll have to have auditions.
ROCKY
Auditions? But flying to a third world country was kind of fun, exhilarating! That’s where you get the good workers!
KRYSTAL
I just don’t have time!
ROCKY
Fine.
KRYSTAL
Okay, well, I’ll go make the sign, you think of activities they could do to show us their full cleaning skills.
ROCKY
Okay, ready?
KRYSTAL
Ready!
They put their hands together, then throw them up in the air.
KRYSTAL + ROCKY
Go team Coman!
INT. COMAN GUESTHOUSE
SID sits on the couch reading an anime magazine. BANANA bursts in.
BANANA
Sid, I need your help Alyssa hooked up with this crazy dude from the looney bin.
SID
Where they used to dump all that nuclear waste?
BANANA
I think so, it was built over an Indian burial ground.
SID
Oh, okay, I know what your talking about.
BANANA
Anyway, I think this guy is probably crazy.
SID
Well it looks to me like you need to do a background check on this guy.
BANANA
How?
SID
Easy, break into the insane asylum, watch out for crazy people, go to the records room, and pick up the information on this guy. I’ll go with you if you want.
BANANA
Okay, we leave tonight at 9:30.
SID
Right.
EXT. KENILWORTH TRAIN STATION—DAY
ALYSSA stands next to THE TWIST, as they wait for a train.
ALYSSA
So, where are we going?
THE TWIST
The train.
ALYSSA
Well, where are we taking the train to?
THE TWIST
Nowhere.
ALYSSA
Well, in which town are we getting off the train?
THE TWIST
Were not. We just ride the train. Put this helmet on and shout random things at people.
ALYSSA
Kinky.
INT. COMAN GUESTHOUSE—DAY
SID is sitting on the couch playing N64. DIANA enters, sit’s next to him and picks up a controller.
DIANA
Hey.
TV (VO)
Player Two has entered the game.
SID
Hey, are you ready to lose little girl?
DIANA
Bring it.
They play for a bit.
SID
So, you play well young grass hopper.
DIANA
Excuse me, I forgot I was playing against a noob.
TV (VO)
Player one has paused the game.
SID
Oh no you didn’t.
DIANA
Unpause it sissy.
TV (VO)
Player one has unpaused the game.
DIANA
Good, now prepare to-
TV (VO)
Player one has mercilessly died in the hands of a girl player, and should go cry alone in shame.
SID
Video game are getting way to personal, anyway, what’s up?
DIANA
I dunno, just been bored. You wanna do something tonight?
SID
Can’t, I’m breaking into the insane asylum.
DIANA
The one near the used syringe dump?
SID
Yeah, it’s near the abandoned slaughter house.
DIANA
Oh, gotcha. Why do you want to break in? Isn’t it more regular for people to break out of those?
SID
Yeah, I’m doing banana a favor.
DIANA
Okay, well, tomorrow, we’ll do something.
SID
Right on.
DIANA
See ya.
SID
Bye.
EXT. COMAN HOUSE FRONT YARD—DAY
A sign on the house reads “Millonario viejo, enfermo y rico. Busca a mujer extranjera joven. Para el casamiento antes él muere.”
CUT TO:
INT. COMAN KITCHEN—DAY
ROCKY and KRYSTAL are talking.
KRYSTAL
The woman at the store guaranteed me the sign I bought would get us unemployed young foreign women.
ROCKY
Good, so what now?
KRYSTAL
We wait.
The doorbell rings.
KRYSTAL
That must be our first auditioner!
ROCKY
Oh goody! I’ll let her in.
ROCKY leaves and comes back with a YOUNG WOMAN.
YOUNG WOMAN
I’m here about the dyeing bachelor?
KRYSTAL
Yes of course, but first, let’s see what you can do with a vacuum.
EXT. SIDEWALK—DAY
WINTER is walking down the sidewalk. SID runs up to her.
SID
Winter, hey! I was watching my radar screen and it showed that you were in the neighborhood, so I decided to run twenty miles over hear to say hello.
WINTER
OH, it’s you.
SID
Yeah, it’s me. Are we on an “it’s me” relationship already cuz’ that would be sweet.
WINTER
What?
SID
You know, I call leave a message, don’t have to say “It’s Sid” can just kind of say “It’s me” and you’ll get it, know who I am.
WINTER
Okay, don’t ever call me.
SID
Okay, so you never want me to leave your side. It’s a nice thought Winter, believe me, I’ve thought of doing just that before, but really, it’d be a mess, I mean, to start out, which bathroom would we go in?
WINTER
Ugh, ewe!
SID
My thoughts exactly, anyway, me, you, tomorrow?
WINTER
Ugh, if I say yes, will you go away?
SID
I’ll do you one step better, I’ll run.
WINTER
Fine, you can buy me lunch tomorrow. 12:15, homers, don’t be late.
SID
Wouldn’t miss it for the world.
WINTER
Hey, start running.
SID
Right, see ya!
SID runs off.
WINTER
Freak.
EXT. STREETS OF KENILWORTH—EVENING
ALYSSA and THE TWIST are walking along. ALYSSA is holding a paper bag filled with stuffed animal cats.
THE TWIST
Got to go. I have an appointment.
ALYSSA
Well, It’s been real nice throwing cat’s at people with you Twist.
THE TWIST
Keep up good work. Don’t forget to wear your helmet and talk to yourself.
ALYSSA
Right on twisty.
THE TWIST leaves the camera fades out while following him, then fades back in as he approaches the Coman house. The sign is still up. He holds a bottle of pledge. He walks inside. ROCKY and KRYSTAL are shouting at auditioners that are spinning around with their nose to the handle of a baseball bat, and the bottom of the bat touching the ground. They stop as the twist enters.
THE TWIST
I’d like to clean your house.
ROCKY
You’re hired.
EXT. LOONEY BIN—NIGHT
SID and BANANA, dressed in black, are creeping along the outside.
SID
C’mon, there’s a door up ahead.
BANANA
And you know where they keep the records?
SID
Of course! I know this place like the back of my hand.
BANANA
I’m not even gonna ask why.
SID
That would serve you well my yellow friend.
CUT TO:
SID and BANANA bursting through a door. SID does a tuck and somersault.
SID
Were in. C’mon, the records are this way. Just look put for crazy people, guards, and the ghosts of unhappy dead indians.
BANANA
Right. Is that the records room?
BANANA points to a door with a sign on it that say’s: “Record’s. The records are kept here. If you are looking for the crazy things that the new boyfriend of your ex girlfriend did, look in here, cuz that’s where you’d find them.”
SID
I think so, let’s go.
They walk forward and enter the door. There’s a table inside it with a single folder reading “The Twist” on it.
BANANA
That must be the Twists folder.
SID
Yeah, take a look.
BANANA opens the folder up and inside it say’s “The Twist makes every girl he dates go crazy. Oh, and he kills there ex boyfriends.”
SID (VO)
Bum, Bum, Bum.
BANANA
Unneeded Sid.
SID
Sorry. I’m thirsty, there are vending machines down the hall.
They walk out of the records room and in front of the vending machines. BANANA stands in front of a fruit dispensing one. SID buys a soda then takes a swig of it in front of a candy and chip dispensing machine.
SID
We can’t get caught now, so we need to get out of here as soon as possible.
BANANA
You mean ASAP?
SID
Well, yeah, I guess I could have said ASAP, but as soon as possible means the same thing.
BANANA
Yea, but it takes longer to say, defeating the purpose of even saying the phrase.
SID
I guess you’re right.
A flash light goes over them.
SID
Crap! Here comes a guard.
A GUARD walks up to them. First he presses a button on the machine BANANA stands in front of.
BANANA
Um, . . . Banana!
GUARD
Well this machine is working properly.
GUARD walks over and pushes a button on SIDS vending machine.
SID
Um . . .
SID thinks back, and the screen wiggles, to signify a flash back-
INT. COMAN KITCHEN—DAY
ROCKY glances up and looks at SID.
ROCKY
Son, you knid of look like a dorito.
FLASHBACK ENDS:
INT. INSANE ASYLUM—NIGHT
SID
Dorito?
GUARD
You’re not a dorito! You must be crazy! We’ll lock you up!
SID
Banana! Go on with out me! Send help!
GUARD
Talking to bananas? You’re definitely crazy! Come with me!
GUARD carries SID away. BANANA makes a break for the door.
EXT. STREETS OF KENILWORTH—NIGHT
BANANA runs out into DIANA, who is licking an ice cream cone.
DIANA
Banana? Hey, I’m Sid’s friend Diana.
BANANA
Sid is being held captive in the haunted insane asylum!
DIANA
Hold this.
DIANA hands BANANA her cone.
DIANA
I’m going in. You go home.
BANANA
Are you sure?
DIANA
Yeah, I know insane asylums like the back of my hand.
BANANA
What is with you people?!
DIANA
Gotta go!
DIANA runs off.
BANANA
Good luck!
BANANA looks around, then takes a lick of the ice cream.
BANANA
Ugh, it’s banana! I can’t eat this, it would be wrong . . .
BANANA looks around again.
BANANA
Screw it, I’m hungry.
BANANA devours the ice cream, then the camera fades on him as he begins his walk home. The camera fades in as he opens the door to the guest house and sees THE TWIST standing there, dusting his couch. He sees BANANA and points a gun at him.
THE TWIST
Well, well, well, if it isn’t Alyssas ex boy friend.
BANANA
Please don’t kill me!
THE TWIST
Alyssa still has a lot of feelings towards you, but she feels she can’t date you because you’re a banana. Once your out of the way, me and Alyssa will be crazy in love.