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Episode 2.3 – Amjad’s Health Check
Citizen Khan
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!
Episode 2.3 – Amjad’s Health Check
Mrs Khan: ______!
Aliya Khan: You look smart, Papa-ji! ______?
Mr Khan: ______! I’m going to the mobile ______at the mosque!
Aliya:_____?
Mr K:They’re doing the ______! It’s very common with us Pakistanis! Did you know, we’re in ______most affected! ______! Good, uh?
Aliya:______?
Mr K:No! ______– I’m fit as a fiddler! They’re testing the young peoples, so ______!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:No – ______! This way, ______! Imagine – your father, Mr Khan, ______of theSparkhill Echo! Headline could be, “______”!
Aliya:______!
Mr K:This project is very high profile, beti!______! We’ve got famous Asian Member of Parliament ______!
Aliya:Oh, ______?
Mr K:______, darling!
Aliya:Keith Vaz?
Mr K:No, ______! You know, ______! Imagine what your classmates will say when you tell them!
Aliya:Yeah! Soon I won’t just be Aliya Khan – I’ll be Aliya Khan, ______!
Mr K:Exactly!
Aliya:______, Papa-ji!
Mr K:Wah! ______!
Aliya:Thanks! So ______?
Mr K:Of course! Of course!
Mrs K:Aliya! Get some normal clothes on – ______!
Aliya:Oh! _____! ______?
Mrs K:TJ’s Baby Warehouse – ______in the West Midlands!
Aliya:______?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:____?
Mrs K:______! Exciting, isn’t it?
Mr K:______? ______!
Mrs K:______, ______! For Sharmine down the road – ______!
Shazia Khan: And ______!
Mr K:What? You’re not married!______!
Shazia:For when we are married!______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:And ______!
Mrs K:I love babies! ______! I really, really, love them! I love their tiny little hands, and ______, and their chubby little cheeks! Oh!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:No one loves babies as much as I do! And Amjad is ______– he’ll have no trouble ______when the time comes, eh?
Amjad:______!
Mrs K:Chalo, Amjad, ______!
Mr K:No! I need Amjad to come with me to the mosque!
Mrs K:___?
Mr K:Because ______! You’re always saying I don’t spend ______with him, and you’re right!Er, he’s going to be a part of this family, after all!______, ______! And we’re going to do the father and son bonding stuff – ______, ______!
Shazia:Oh, Dad, ______!
Amjad:Thanks, Dad!
Mr K:All right, ______, eh?
Mrs K:OK, fine, but just meet us outside the baby shop at one o’clock!______!
Mr K:Oh, God! Oh, God! OK, put in- that there-
Mr K:Coming through – ______– thank you, thank you!
Tony Abbas:Ah yes, and of course I’m delighted to be showing my support ______!
Mr K:______! Even more so delighted!
Tony:Sorry – and you are?
Mr K:Mr Khan, ______! ______!
Tony:Ah - Tony Abbas, er – ______!
Mr K:______– ______!
Tony:Oh! Really?
Mr K:Yes – ______!
Tony:Right – well, it’serm, lovely,______!
Mr K:Isn’t it? You know, I’m always saying, the National Health Service is ______! Did you know, there are more Pakistani doctors here now______!______, eh?
Tony:Really? I – ______!
Mr K:Oh, yes – ______– neurologist, cardiologist, gynaecologist – we’ve got our fingers in lots of pies!
Tony:_____!
Mr K:______? ______?
Tony:Oh, erm, maybe later –it’s just ______!
Mr K:OK – and then – ______– get a bit of quality time, huh?______!
Tony:Ha ha!
Mr K:All right – ______!
Doctor: OK – ______?
Mr K:______!
Amjad:As-salaamualeikum!
Mr K:______! We’ve just been speaking to the Member of Parliament – we’re going to ______!
Doc:Great – er, ______!
Mr K:Of course!
Doc:So – ____?
Mr K:Amjad Malik – A, M, J-
Amjad:____!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Yes – because ______!
Amjad:Erm – ______?
Mr K:Amjad, this isn’t about me – ______!
Amjad:But ______, sir!
Mr K:You’re joining the Khan family now, son!______– Imran Khan, Amir Khan, Chaka Khan!
Doc:It is a fifteen year project, so ______
______!
Mr K:Yes, ______– ______? ______!
Amjad:______!
Doc:______?
Mr K:______!
Doc:______?
Mr K:______– ______!
Dave:As-salaamualeikum, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Hello, Dave – ______?
Dave:Well______!
Mr K:Well keep your hands off the MP – I’ve already bagsied him!
Dave:Actually, Mr Khan, heart disease is a real issue in the Asian community – ______!
Mr K:Yes – I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, Dave, but ______! Look at me – ______, ______– ______! Look at you – ______, ______– ______!
Dave:I see only human beings, Mr Khan – ______!
Mr K:Well you’d have to be ______!
Dave:Oh, well done, Amjad, ______! You know, heart disease is ______amongst middle-aged Pakistani men!
Amjad:_____?
Dave:Oh, yes – it’s your genes, apparently.
Mr K:What about your lot – ______?
Dave:______!
Mr K:Well I suppose there has to be ______, eh?
Amjad:How can they tell if I’ve got heart disease?
Dave:They give you a cholesterol test – ______, but they’ll also tell you the heart attack symptoms to look out for – ______, dizziness, ______-
Mr K:All right, keep it light – we don’t want to frighten him, do we?
Riaz:______– they found out because they had the high cholesterol!
Mr K:___?
Amjad:______?
Riaz:______!
Amjad:What?
Riaz:Yep – just like that! One minute, ______– ______, ____!
Dave:What about you? Have you got it?
Riaz:No – ______!
Doc:OK – Mr – Malik!
Mr K:Amjad? Amjad!Amjad! Amjad!
Mr K:Are you in here?______! Come on – out!______– it’ll be over in a jiffy! Are you afraid? Is that it?______! It’ll be all right – I’ll be with you the whole time! ______!______! Oh, God! Oh, shit! Now look what you’ve made me do!______– I can hold your hand if you like! Oh, hello! ______!
Tony:______!
Mr K:I can’t – I’m stuck!
Amjad:Hello sir!
Mr K:Amjad – ______! ______!
Amjad:The lock’s jammed!
Mr K:Well ______, ______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Amjad – I dragged myself 10,000 miles to this country – and you can’t even climb over a toilet cubicle?
Amjad:Oh, no!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:Shazia!
Amjad:Ooh, ooh, aiiee! Ooh – I think- I think ______!
Mr K:Well just try and hang on to it all ______!
Amjad:But ______? What am I going to tell Shazia?
Mr K:Nothing! ______, it’s all fine!
Amjad:I’ve already been worried about it, ______! My cousin’s ______! I think infertility ______! And I’ve had the mumps – ______!
Mr K:No!
Amjad:Well, you get really hot, and then ______!
Mr K:____?
Amjad:______– mine were the size of pomegranates!______!
Riaz:______– the rind stops you getting the runs!
Omar:That’s true – but I find ______!
Dave:Right – ______and see if I can get us an appointment!
Mr K:Hang on, Dave – ______! We don’t want the world and his auntie ______!
Receptionist: Next, please!
Mr K:Hello, yes, ______!
Rec:____?
Mr K:Mr Khan – K, ______, ______, ______!
Rec:______!
Mr K:No – but er, ______, on a bit of a -______!
Rec:What’s it regarding?
Mr K:______–______!
Rec:______?
Mr K:No.
Dave:______, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Dave – ______, but I’m Mr Khan, community leader – ______! If this gets out, and ______, I’ll need mine sewing back on, ______!
Dave:Honestly Mr Khan, it’s fine – this is a doctors’ surgery, they have ______– ______in here will be treated with the utmost confidence!
Mr K:______! Right, OK, it’s a bit of an urgent matter concerning the general region of the dingly-danglies!
Rec:I see. And ______?
Mr K:Of course not! ______with my dingly-danglies? No! I’m as fit as a halal butcher’s dog – ______!______!
Amjad:As-salaamualeikum!
Rec:Right - well, the first available appointment is ______!
Mr K:Well that’s no good – ______!
Rec:I’m sorry, ______!
Mr K:But it’s an emergency - look at him! ______! If he doesn’t see a doctor today, ______!
Amjad:______!
Dave:If you could let us see a doctor, ______!
Rec:OK, fine, ______!
Mr K:______– ______! And make sure it’s with ______, eh?______, you know!
Rec:Dr Patel could ______!
Mr K:Patel? ______!
Rec:______!
Mr K:______! ______?
Rec:Erm, Dr Gupta?
Mr K:______!
Rec:Dr Prakash!
Mr K:______!
Rec:Dr Mann!
Mr K:Oh, he sounds OK – what’s he like?
Rec:______!
Mr K:______!
Rec:Well that just leaves Dr Lowry!
Mr K:And is Dr Lowry-
Rec:______!
Mr K:Right,well, ______!
Rec:Right – well ______!
Mr K:Thank you! As-salaamualeikum! Oh, cor blimey! Move up! What?Hai – hai! All right? ______? Picking up free Paracetamols? NHS is great, huh? Oh! ______! I don’t think they’ve got a cure for gingeritis, mate! Hey, ______? Cheer up – ______!
Amjad:Yes – I suppose there’s lots of couples ______, and ______, aren’t they?______!
Mr K:Look, Amjad – ______? We’re all in God’s hands, and the important thing is that ______! And together, ______! And anyway, ______! Hello, ______! Oh hello, sweetie darling!______?
Mrs K:Haan, ______! ______!
Shazia:______! I can’t wait to show these to Amjad!
Mr K:Ah, sweetie – maybe - ______, eh?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:Yes well – hold on to the receipts, uh? ______– they may decide ______– ______!
Mrs K:What are you talking about? Where are you?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:______?
Shazia:______?
Mr K:It’s fine! ______!
Amjad:It’s all right, Mrs Khan, ______!
Mr K:Shush!
Rec:Mr Khan – ______!
Mr K:Yes, I know sweetie, but I’m losing you – ______– ______OK, bye!
Amjad:I’m really worried, sir!
Mr K:Amjad, it’ll be fine!______, ______, he’ll check you out, and he’ll tell you everything’s tickety boo!
Doctor Lowry: Right! ______?
Mr K:______, ______– we’re here to see Doctor Lowry!
Low:______!
Mr K:Crikey!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______!
Low:______?
Amjad:Yes!
Mr K:No!
Amjad:But sir!
Mr K:Chillax, Amjad! We need to get this sorted!______– ______?Womens are perfectly able at being ______! There’s no reason to be embarrassed!
Low:So, ______?
Mr K:Amjad?
Amjad:I- The-
Mr K:He’s getting married, you see – and ______! And at first, well, he had the mumps – and then his, er, swelled right up!
Amjad:______!______!
Mr K:And then he sat on one of them – ______!
Low:_____!
Mr K:So – ______?
Low:Well, I think we should have a little look – why don’t you go behind the screen and ______?
Amjad:What?
Mr K:Hang on a minute! ______?
Low:Well ______!
Mr K:Well, er, ______?
Low:Not really! Don’t worry – ______!
Mr K:______! But – we are Pakistani – ______!
Low:______!
Mr K:This is cultural, you see!______, I cannot be seen naked by any woman.
Low:Oh, really? ______?
Mr K:I’m working on that one!
Low:Well in that case I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to book an appointment to see ______!
Amjad:OK!
Mr K:No – ______!
Low:Well in that case I will have to examine his testicles!
Mr K:Mrs Dr Lowry!______!
Low:______!
Mr K:Right! ______!
Low:____?
Amjad:____?
Mr K:Yes – it’s fine! Just ______and I’ll check for you!
Amjad:I’m not really comfortable, sir!
Mr K:Just ______!
Amjad:Like what?
Mr K:I don’t know – ______!
Amjad:Shazia!
Mr K:______! Right, come on – undo your-
Amjad:OK!
Mr K:Oh, God! Right – ______!
Low:Is there any sign of contusion or bleeding?
Mr K:__!
Low:______or any other abnormalities?
Mr K:__!
Low:______?
Mr K:__!
Low:______?
Mr K:______!
Low:Just lightly palpate each one!
Mr K:What?
Low:Just gently feel them ______!
Mr K:______?
Low:No – ______!
Mr K:Right! OK! Oh, my God! It’s terrible – ______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Oh, yes!
Amjad:______, sir!
Mr K:______, Amjad!
Amjad:Swing low - sweet chariot – ______!
Mr K:Hello! Amjad’s phone! Oh, hello, Mrs Malik! ______! Yes, we are in the doctor’s! No, ______!
Low:Look, this really isn’t working – ______!
Mr K:Right, I’m going to go, Mrs Malik – goodbye!
Low:Why don’t I just come back there and ______?
Mr K:No! Hang on – ______! Right – hold still! There you go!______?
Low:______!
Mr K:See? ______!
Amjad:Are you sure? ______?
Low:Well you will need a proper medical exam – of course ______is for us to get a sample and then test the output!
Mr K:Right – ______!
Low:I think we can leave Amjad______!
Mr K:Thank God!
Low:There you go – and don’t worry – ______!
Mr K:Fill it!Fill it! ______!
Mr K:Oh God!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Hello, darling!
Mrs Malik: ______?
Mr K:______!
Shazia:______?
Mr K:Something came up when______!
Shazia:______? ______?
Mr K:They just need to investigate!
Shazia: ______?
Mr K:Well you know, ______! This will be absolutely fine, but -______!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Right – OK! You know, in the cricket, and you have balls – and sometimes you have fast balls, slow balls, white balls, red balls, and even – wide balls – well sometimes you can end up with - no ball! And ______, ______, ______! Do you see?
Omar:So – ______?
Mrs M:Oh, my God!
Shazia:Amjad!
Mrs K:No!
Mrs M:______!
Mr K:No, you can’t go in there!
Mrs M:Why not? ______!
Mr K:______!
Amjad:(screams)
Mrs M:Oh my God, ______!
Amjad:______!
Shazia:______?
Amjad:Mr Khan took me to the mobile clinic ______!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:And then, he was trying to crawl under the toilet cubicle with ______!
Mrs K:Eh?
Amjad: And then I hurt my down-belows______!
Mrs M:Hai hai!
Amjad:And now, I have to give a sample to see ______!
Mrs M:Hai haihai!
Mrs K:Hai haihai!
Shazia:Oh my God,Amjad!
Mrs M:______?
Mrs K:What have you done to him?
Mr K:Ow - ______!
Shazia:I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!______, please?
Amjad:OK, but ______!
Shazia:Amjad! Dad – how could you let this happen?
Mrs K:______! ______?
Mrs M:If you’ve damaged him, ______!
Mr K:Ow, ______!
Mrs K:Now don’t try and ______!
Mrs M:______!
Mrs K:______!
Dave:Hang on – I think there’s something really wrong!______? Rushing sound in the ears? Stabbing pains down your left side? Oh, ______!
Mrs K:What? What is it?
Aliya:______! ______and that!
Mrs K:What? Oh, my God – somebody do something!
Mrs M:______?
Mrs K:______! Call an ambulance!______!
Mr K:______, my darling!
Mrs K:Haan, I’m here!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:Don’t speak now – save your strength – ______! Just try and rest, OK?
Mr K:______!______! My beautiful wife, ______– and Shazia – ______! Aliya, ______! You’ll find a piece of paper there – I always carry it with me ______! It has some things ______!
Mrs K:No!
Shazia:Dad – ______!
Mr K:It’s a list of ______! Aliya – ______, ______! I see a dark tunnel! ______!
Riaz:______!
Dave:No, no! You don’t – don’t go towards the light!
Riaz:Oh, yes – ______!
Mrs K:Quickly – everybody get out of the way! He’s having a heart attack – please help him! Mind his legs –pick up his legs! Do it properly – right - there we go!
Mr K:Point me towards Mecca! Mind my hat – ______! You see, my darling, the best health service in the world - ______! I’m proud to be dying on NHS premises!
Low:Actually, ______!
Everybody: What?
Low:Well ______, and ______!
Mr K:______? I’m in agony! Come on – give me the paddles!
Low:______!
Dave:Well what about ______, the rushing sound in his ears?
Low:______!
Shazia:But the stabbing pain in his left side – ______!
Low:He does seem to have some bruising ______–_____!
Mr K:All right!
Shazia:Well ______?
Mrs K:Well ______, ____?
Shazia:What?
Mrs K:I mean,______? ______!
Low:OK!______, or a collision of some kind? Have you been aware of ______?
Mrs K:I’ve been poking you in the ribs ______!
Mr K:What? Why?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:Rubbish – ______!
Mrs K:______! It’s like lying next to a freight train! So – you’re saying-
Low:______!
Mrs K:______? (everybody arguing) -I have to deal with this every day of my life-
Mr K:Ah!
Tony:Aaargh!
Mr K:I’m glad Amjad’s OK!
Mrs K:Haan, me too!
Mr K:______, I think – don’t you?
Mrs K:Haan! And ______!______? You and me, sitting on our patio, with little Shazias and Amjads______!
Mr K:Yes – ______!
Mrs K:Lucky for them you’re still in ______! And ______!
Mr K:Hmm?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:______, ______! Ah!