Energizer Bunny Admits:
“I have a cocaine problem”
The Energizer Bunny has finally admitted to
what everyone already knew—he has a serious
substance abuse addiction.
“I want to apologize to my family, my friends,
and that guy at the rest area bathroom. I have
lost my battle with drugs and can now blame
them for every bad thing I’ve ever done.”
Following an intervention staged by best friends
The Maytag Repairman and former lover the
Brawny Tissue Guy, the E.B. checked into pricey
Hazeldon Treatment Facility in Minnesota, joining
other prominent advertising icons and cartoon
figures, including The Jolly Green Giant (nitrous
oxide), Speedy Gonzalez (methamphetamine),
Aunt Jemima (alcohol), Magilla Gorilla (alcohol)
and The Hulk (rage-ahol-ism).
Treatment consists of staying out of the public
eye for a few weeks living a spa lifestyle,
and, while you’re in, meeting great new drug
connections.
Mr Bunny will, in accordance with Hazeldon
Treatment guidelines, have a roommate to assist
in the transition to sobriety. Interestingly, his new
roommate will be Britney Spears’ hair, recently
shorn from her addled little head. A follicle test
confirmed the presence of 134 known stimulants,
hallucinogenics, depressants, and painkillers in
the tawny brown remnants of the pop queen’s
once-admired locks.
Florida To Do Away With
Property Taxes, Shift
Burden To Renters
In a move that says volumes about the day
and age we live in, the Florida Legislature,
led by Republican (they’re the Evil Ones) House
leader Marco Rubio of Miami, has suggested
ending the tax on homeowners, instead
relying on a highest-in-the-nation sales tax,
effectively letting the most able economically
off the hook for all the services they get from
the State of Florida. Rubio even mentioned
second-home owners as “suffering the most.”
Yeah, it must be rough agonizing over
when to leave your great job and family to
take a month off and have a good time in the
Sunshine State with some bimbo.
But don’t worry—there’s a plan in place
for those who rent, said Rubio.
“First, they’ll be rounded up using
information from snitches. Then renters will
be locked in secured trains and transported
via rail to labor and internment camps,
where they will work 16 hours a day moving
piles of cash for the super-rich while they
think about what they’ve done—you know,
their failure to inherit a bunch of money and
buy a house. They were too busy having a
good time at their low-paying service
industry jobs and wasting their money on
food, and now they must suffer.”
“When they are too weak or old or
depressed to stack money, they will be
‘put down’ by the same team that handled
the Barbaro case. It’s a Solution, and there
is the added benefit of there being a
Finality to it.”
Thank God that the well-to-do are finally
getting taken care of, and how reassuring
to know that this only the beginning of a ride
that will end up with 10% of the population
controlling 90% of the wealth while everyone
else lives like animals. That’ll be an
awesome country and a huge improvement
over that stupid old middle-class model that
held us back all those years.
How can this be?
Renters don’t vote, and, more
importantly, don’t have lobbyists.
Funny thing
The guy who wanted Anna Nicole’s dead BODY gets her live BABY, while the guy who wanted her BABY gets her BODY!
CELEBRITY GRAVEROBBING TRIAL BOMBSHELL:
“She’s got Bette Davis’ Eyes!”
Flora McCatchell, of Asheville, NC, was convicted of defiling the corpse of beloved Hollywood leading lady Bette Davis by breaking into her mausoleum and stealing her peepers. The human-organ-trafficking prosecution has uncovered many missing body parts of the famed, including Tony Bennett’s heart, found in a San Francisco bus locker, the face from Billy Idol’s “Eyes Without A Face” (which also appeared in ‘Silence of the Lambs’ as the skin worn by Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter during the escape scene), Heather Mills McCartney’s lower leg, and most of the early Joan Rivers, and bits and pieces of Cher, long-since replaced.
Ms McCatchell faces a fity dollar fine and a stern talking-to from the judge.
JetBlue Issues Guidelines
For Passenger Treatment
“New Bill of Rights Maybe Not
So Good” Says Industry Insider
NEW JETBLUE BILL OF RIGHTS
1) You have the right to shut the fuck up
2) Spread your cheeks and lift your balls
3) More peanuts? More peanuts? Vinny,
Bruno, get over here…
4) Eat tarmac, bitch!
5) Take off your shoes. Now take off your
feet—you heard me!
6) Yo, Skidmarks, put your boxers away
your own damn self.
7) Do I smell marijuana, Mr. Vick?
8) This is O’Hare. You will die here.
9) Next the Skycap will insert HIS finger…
10 Waterboarding needed at Gate 12!
How Many US Deaths In
Iraq? Says Bush: Five
Thousand Seems Like a
Good Round Number
President Bush has sent a human budget to
Congress requesting that the number of US
military deaths in Iraq be raised to 5000 by
the time he leaves office in two years. “When
we hit that milestone the Iraqis will quit their
centuries-old infighting and embrace a form
of government they’ve never known or even
desired. More importantly, there will be a
Democrat coming into the White House, and
that person will get the blame.”
Fox News confirmed that any Democrat
elected President in 2008 will be labeled as
‘the person responsible for losing Iraq.’ “The
board will be set for 2012,” laughed Bill
O’Reilly as he discussed the plot in detail.
“Even though the invasion was the brainchild
of the far-right coffeeklatsch that took over in
2000 and even though they said it was going
to be easy (and cheap) and even though they
bungled it badly, we’ll do the usual smear
and spin thing we’ve perfected to make
whoever fixes the mess look weak. Jeb
in oh-twelve!”
Sean Hannity added: “There is no way
Iraq won’t be de facto split in three parts in a
few more months—the very thing we have
been supposedly been against. But it will be
okay while Bush in is office, then, when there’s
more trouble later, like with Kurdistan being the
only together place and Turkey and the Shias
and Sunnis hating them for that, for instance,
it will be unacceptable and the Left’s fault.
There’s so many things can and will go wrong
but it won’t be Bush’s blame any more, don’t
you see? Quite frankly, we’re making this up
as we go.”
Atlanta Poison Center Uses
“Gilmore Girls” tapes to help
patients vomit up dangerous fluids
The Greater Atlanta Poison Treatment Center
has started using tapes of the popular TV show
“Gilmore Girls” to induce vomiting in people who
accidentally ingest life-threatening chemicals.
“We find the insipid plotting, cutesy dialogue,
and stupid situations really get a good puke flow
going, a deep violent retching that purges even
those parts of the intestines furthest along the
gastrointestinal tract.” Said Center Director Dr.
Rebecca DeMornay.
“The gay character’s ‘insights’ (‘a baby shower?
Does everyone wear baby clothes?’) alone have
saved dozens of lives.”
Cheney Assassination Plot Fails;
VP Hunts Down Those Who
Planned It, Killing Hundreds
Not since the famed 1944 von Stauffenberg bombing
of Hitler’s Wolf’s Lair has a failed assassination attempt
resulted in such a high retributitive death toll. Even as
others were brushing the dust off their uniforms,
Cheney had armed himself with a couple 40 mm
cannons, a hand-held mortar, two Colt .45s, a hunting
knife, flamethrower, and a thin strand of piano wire and
headed into the hills outside Kandahar. Under cover
of darkness, face cloaked with blood from hyenas
freshly strangled, the Vice President went on a
violent rampage that reminded older Afghans of
Rambo’s memorable assault in the epic film
“First Blood II.”
“There were heads and limbs everywhere.
By midnight the living envied the suicide bomber
who exploded outside the gates of the base where
Cheney was quartered.” Said a grim Akmed Faisal
Akmed, of South Kandahar Heights. “He didn’t just
kill the men, but their women and children, parents
and grandparents, even old teachers or mullahs,
even bayoneting little babies while he frothed at
the mouth and screamed maniacally. Allah Himself
will have trouble sorting out the pieces. May God
have mercy on all our souls who were stupid
enough to take on the ‘Chainsaw’. I mean, we
mujadiheen are nuttier than a squirrel’s cheeks in
Autumn, but even we were amazed at his barbarism.”
You must hate him, eh?
“Oh no we love the Chainsaw! Him and Boosh
crazy like us!”
Stateside, anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan
laughed: “That took me back.”
I like my Bluetooth—not the personal electronic gadget, but my abscessed bicuspid that I never floss, brush or clean…
I’m so poor I don’t leave
a carbon footprint, I leave
a carbon toeprint
not my best work
Discretionary Income
“I’d like to speak with the executive general manager.”
“I’m the executive general manager. How can I help you?”
“I don’t feel properly thanked.”
“Whaaaa? Whatsoever do you mean?”
“I mean, we live in a very strict time economywise, and only the most efficient and strongest survive. And me as a consumer feel I should be thanked more for my purchase.”
“Everyone didn’t thank you? Not my assistant executive general manager?”
“Yes, he did.”
“Not the Associate General Manager? Or his Pers Ass?”
“They all thanked me profusely.”
“So who didn’t? The sales associate who pointed out your low-budget ass-featuring un-stone-washed-hippy-fat-keister Levis?”
“No, she did.”
“The cashier?”
“No.”
“The underpaid shift manager?”
“No, they both thanked me too.”
“His asexual pony-tailed supervisor didn’t thank you?”
“He licked between my toes.”
“As is company policy. So what’s the problem?”
“Your plastic bag.”
“Our BAG?”
“Yes, your bag.”
“Which…”
“What you place the items that I buy in. It failed to adequately thank me, and let me tell you, I have discretionary income, and I will NOT return here if my every conceivable desire both ridiculous and non-ridiculous shan’t be sated.”
“But our bag says ‘thank you’ not once but twice.”
“Look at this bag of the store down the street, sir, if you dare.”
“I, I, …can’t…”
“Of course not—it’s your shame and punishment. A plastic ‘to go’ bag that thanks the purchaser a mere once or twice versus a whole bag-side full of ‘thank-you’s.’ That’s much more important than cost, quality, or location.”
“Thanks I guess for the lesson in modern economics.”
“DISCRETIONARY INCOME!”
“I feel bad about stuff….”
“You’re fired!”
“Um, okay, all right, um, bye.”
“Ha ha ha!”
tv review
STANDOFF:
FOX SUNDAY NIGHT
VS.
NBC Thursday Night
Sadly enough, given the reality surrounding the costs of scripted (expensive) vis-à-vis “unscripted” (cheap) programming, we are in an end-game of TV reviews….five (maybe?) years from now (now=2007) a Quicken program will determine what airs on free, basic, unbasic, or pay-per-view…the lowest common denominator will prevail and some of us will look back fondly on the brilliance we enjoyed on shows like The Simpsons, Seinfeld, Frasier, Cheers, M*A*S*H, All In The Family, Bob Newhart, Mary Tyler Moore, Dick van Dyke, Danny Thomas, Uncle Miltie, and of course the Queen of Comedy Lucille Ball, with a little Johnny Carson thrown in…
Fox Sunday Night has two GREAT shows. The indefatigable (incapable of being fatigued) Simpsons, creeping up on the all-time Longest Series Title (hey Gunsmoke, hey Bonanza, how do you like me NOW?!?), and the uproarious Family Guy….”what kind of a sick mind would find that amusing” –FG newscaster
Up Against:
NBC Thursday Night has four shows of middling mediocrity….not that their predecessors (besides most Seinfelds) were above reproach ever, but you smile during “Earl,” and during “The Office” you smile, and “Scrubs” is well done, better than most, and finally “30 Rock”, which is intelligent with a lot of Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey, and also good but not yet great, especially Tracey Morgan’s third…. do you ever bust out laffin’? I didn’t think so…Neither do I…
THE WINNER IS:
FOX Sunday Night….
Despite the ever-changing, ever-“no, not this, sorry,” OTHER three sitcoms---King of the Hill, War At Home, Dearly Departed (with Brad Garrett?), American Dad, et al, mixed in between the meat (Simpsons) and potatoes (Family Guy), the breathtaking breadth and bankable wit of The S’s and ‘FG’ carry the day. Saw a new Simpsons last night (Cletus’ kids work for Krusty) that was as good as any episode EVER! I mean, as good as any of the Conans etc. This series is the best in television history, the Tiger Woods of episodic comedy.
And we all hate Fox News but give this organization its props: One half is Dr Jekyll, and the other half Mr Hyde, but between the two, they ARE, THE modern situation comedy/or other prime time pioneers…other ‘losers’ include the Chris Elliot Show, The X-Files, and the classic ‘Married With Children’… (remember…anyone…am I alone here…does anyone remember the 90’s? Heellloooooo???? Living In Color?)…. America? Does anyone even recall the Bernie Mac Show? It was just two years ago! Help! HELP!
Sting, The Police, Re-unite,
Expect to Make Billions;
David Lee Roth Rejoins Van
Halen, Hopes to Earn Millions;
Bowser, from Sha Na Na, buys condo
in Assisted Living Facility, Wants to
Save Hundreds; MC Hammer Gets Offer
on Platelets: 12 bucks; K Fed finds penny!!
Good News: US GI’s at tacky
Walter Reed Outpatient
FacilityTo Be Moved;
The Bad News? They’re Getting
Transferred to the rat-infested
Taco Bell/KFC in New York City L
These Bitter Times
Voted off the island, asked to leave the house, and didn’t get enough votes
ON-LINE POLL
Who’s responsible for my
Wretched poverty?
a—my parents
b—my college
c—my bosses
d—society
e---a capitalist system that crushes my artistic spirit so it can sell me armpit stick
f----other
To respond, take a picture of your answer,
turn it into reproducible digital transmissions
broad band to me,
I’ll save to my hard drive, and forget all about
them. It’s just THAT simple!