ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 2011
CAST LIST
Jules: Julian Eltinge a big star, the most famous and highest paid female impersonator of alltime. He is now in his 60’s and all washed up. Drinks heavily, cusses a lot and is struggling desperately to maintain a career. Has a lovely voice in the female range and is completely convincible when playing a woman.
William: A young idealistic man in his late 20’s. Smart, funny, kind, and completely enamored with Jules. Must also sing as a woman and dance well.
Freddy: An older, gruffy stage manager 50’s-70’s.
LOCATION: Back stage dressing room of Julian Eltinge at Billy Roses Horse Shoe Jubilee on west 46th St, NYC,
DATE: 1941
Act One
The year is 1941. We are back stage in the dressing room of Julian Eltinge at Billy Rose’s club in Manhattan , New York . As the lights come up we see a dressing table with make up and behind that is an entrance to a bathroom as well as a rack of dresses and wigs. We hear a man warming his voice up as he enters from the bathroom, it is Julian. He is warming up for his show tonight. In one hand is a drink. As he enters he begins to also go over a dance routine half heartedly, he then turns to the dresses, puts his drink down, then grabs a dress, and puts a wig on, he holds the dress in front of him and begins to go over the routine full out, dancing and singing, there is a knock on the dressing room door. He freezes.
JULIAN
(In a deep manly voice) Just a minute! (He puts the dress and wig away. Grabs his drink, sits down and lights a cigar) Yeah? (The door opens and a young man is standing there) Who the hell are you? What the hell are you doing in here? Get out! GET OUT!!!
WILLIAM
I’m sorry, Mr. Eltinge. I am just a big fan and I just wanted to speak to you before tonight’s show, that’s all. I don’t mean to be any trouble.
JULIAN
About?
WILLIAM
Excuse me?
JULIAN
What do you want to speak to me about?
WILLIAM
I…I just…
JULIAN
WHAT? Do I owe you money or something?
WILLIAM
No!
JULIAN
Are you a reporter?
WILLIAM
No, I’m…
JULIAN
Then what?
WILLIAM
I’m just a fan, that’s all.
JULIAN
A fan?
WILLIAM
Yes sir.
JULIAN
Oh! Well why didn’t you say so?
WILLIAM
I did sir.
JULIAN
You did?
WILLIAM
Yes sir, I did.
JULIAN
Stop calling me sir, it ages me much faster than I’m willing to go.
WILLIAM
Sorry sir…sorry…
JULIAN
I didn’t realize I had any left.
WILLIAM
Sir? I mean…
JULIAN
Don’t sweat it kid; just call me Julian, or better yet, Jules.
WILLIAM
Thank you sir, Jules…Have any what left…Jules?
JULIAN
FANS! What else?
WILLIAM
Oh sir, how can you say that? I just think you’re terrific. I always have and always will. If you ask me, I think you’re just about the best actor around these days.
JULIAN
Hmm hmm…Actor?
WILLIAM
Of course. Who else could have spent a life time playing men and women so convincingly, if they weren’t a great actor?
JULIAN
Most people would have said female impersonator, or these days maybe even pervert.
WILLIAM
Most people are just ignorant, sir, Julian, JULES! I’ll get it right.
JULIAN
I couldn’t agree with you more. Drink? (he makes himself a drink)
WILLIAM
Oh, no thank you sir, JULES!
JULIAN
So, what do you want, an autograph, a free ticket to tonight’s show, what?
WILLIAM
Oh no, I saw the show last night and I’m planning on seeing tonight’s show too. The minute I heard that the great Julian Eltinge was performing in New York City, right here at Billy Roses Diamond Horse Shoe Jubilee, I just knew I had to see you, and hopefully meet you too. I swear I may have to ask you to pinch me just to make sure this is for real.
JULIAN
I don’t pinch, slug maybe, but never pinch.
WILLIAM
Well I sure hope you’re not planning on slugging me.
JULIAN
Not in the immediate future at least.
WILLIAM
I sure do appreciate that.
JULIAN
I’m sure you do. Well it was nice to meet you, whoever you are, but now I must prepare. You can show yourself out.
WILLIAM
But Mr. Eltinge…
JULIAN
Jules!
WILLIAM
Right. I can’t leave now, please…there’s so much I want to know about you.
JULIAN
The story of my life.
WILLIAM
Well, yes sir, the story of your life would be terrific, if you don’t mind.
JULIAN
No, I meant that’s the story…never mind. How old are you kid?
WILLIAM
I’m not a kid, that’s for sure. I’m 27 years old.
JULIAN
Oh…we’re practically brothers….Name?
WILLIAM
William.
JULIAN
William? Seriously? (William nods) Well that’s my name too. William Julian…
JULIAN/WILLIAM
Dalton.
WILLIAM
Born March 14 1881 in NewtonMassachusetts. Your father was barber in ButteMontana
JULIAN
And I was a cute beaut from Butte. Well, then there you go young William, and as they say, the rest is history. Now if you would kindly excuse me I do have a show to do.
WILLIAM
Not for another 90 minutes.
JULIAN
Listen, I am sure you’re a very nice kid…
WILLIAM
I’m not a kid!
JULIAN
…young man, but I have no intention of spending the next 90 minutes of my life with some stranger…
WILLIAM
A big fan!
JULIAN
Right, a big fan, when I have a show to do, I’m sorry, now go, and maybe after the show we could chat some more, but right now…
WILLIAM
What? You need another drink? You need to sit here staring at these four walls, what? And don’t tell me you have to get dressed in those beautiful gowns either, remember I saw the show last night, I know damn well you can’t even wear those gowns without fear of being arrested, so what? What do you need to do?
JULIAN
This is my dressing room and I want you out of here now! GO! OUT! NOW!!!
WILLIAM
(opens the door to leave, wounded) You know Jules, I expected a lot more from you.
JULIAN
Didn’t they all?
WILLIAM
(slams door) Yes, and you gave it to them. My God, you were one of the greatest female impersonators, actors, sorry, of all time. You were a great star. I’m truly sorry to have bothered you Mr. Eltinge, have a great show tonight. I’ll be rooting for you. (He opens door to exit)
JULIAN
WAIT! (William stops) Were?
WILLIAM
What?
JULIAN
Were???
WILLIAM
No, ARE, sir, Jules, Mr. Eltinge…ARE….
JULIAN
No, were, is right. How the hell did this happen? What the fuck went wrong? I was a star, the biggest name of Broadway and Vaudeville. I played the palace in London, AND New York, I performed for a King, and many queens for that matter, movies, Hollywood, hell I even had a theater named after me and now, I’m lucky if I can even get an audience at these shit hole, sleazy night clubs. I can’t even wear my goddamn gowns any more! (He knocks the rack of dresses over and breaks down as William slowly comes back in. He grabs Julian’s drink and proceeds to pour him another one. He hands Julian the drink then proceeds to start picking up the gowns off the floor. He picks up the first one and starts to examine it holding it up to himself) What are you doing?
WILLIAM
It’s gorgeous! ‘The Fascinating Widow’, right?
JULIAN
(Staring into mirror) The fascinating widow is right.
WILLIAM
A show written specifically for your talents in 1911…
JULIAN
How do you know that? You weren’t even born yet. Careful, it’s a gown not a dish rag.
WILLIAM
Can I try it on?
JULIAN
No, you may not try it on.
WILLIAM
Will you put it on then? (he holds it out to him)
JULIAN
No, absolutely not! That is something I only did for the money, a lot of money. It’s not like I love wearing dresses or anything.
WILLIAM
(starts to dance around with it) I know…so…put it on….
JULIAN
What, you trying to get me arrested or something?
WILLIAM
That’s only in public not in the privacy of your own dressing room. Oh come on, I know you want to…come on….
JULIAN
You don’t know anything about what I do or don’t want to do, trust me…
WILLIAM
I know how alive you become when you have this on. Yes sir….completely alive. (He spins with the dress)
JULIAN
You moron, a lady doesn’t spin out of control like some sort of whirling dervish, a lady has poise and grace, here, give me that! (William gives it to him) Lock the door. (William does) Hand me that contraption. (William hands him the corset) You’re going to have to help me with this corset, and I have a few rules, rule number one, never wear a gown without a wig and make up, so sir William whoever you are, grab a string and pull it tight. (He helps put the corset on) Don’t be shy, pull!
WILLIAM
Oh my God, can you breathe all right?
JULIAN
TIGHTER! Breathing is secondary to having a waist line my child now tighter!!! Pull those mother fucking old ironsides now!
WILLIAM
Tight enough now?
JULIAN
Rule number two, once you think it’s tight enough, make it even tighter! Now put some muscle into it and pull. Tighter!!! Ok…(he takes a deep breath) Breathe…and now for the face. (applies his base) Beauty tips from Julian Eltinge; You know at one time I actually had my own beauty tip magazine called ‘The Fascinating Widow’.
WILLIAM
I know, my mother used to buy them, but… it was before my time.
JULIAN
Do me a favor will you? No more “before your time” comments. That is if you want to have more time. Now, a smooth foundation is paramount.
WILLIAM
I can’t believe how fast you can do this.
JULIAN
I’ve been doing this for over thirty some odd years, I should be fast, Of course now it all takes a little more of this and little more of that to hide some of those 30 odd years. Then we start with the eyes. Hand me the white paint. No, the white! Thank you.
WILLIAM
That’s amazing…
JULIAN
Smoke and mirrors, that’s all, smoke and mirrors… Fix me a drink will ya?
WILLIAM
Yes ma’am, scotch on the rocks?
JULIAN
Anything that’s there that’ll burn.
WILLIAM
OK…I heard you got yourstart at the age of ten, taking cakewalk lessons…
JULIAN
What? Where did you hear that from?
WILLIAM
My mother, she was one of your biggest fans ever, she told me she read that somewhere.
JULIAN
Funny my mother is one of my biggest fans too. Your mother has great taste. My mother was one of the first ones to encourage me to wear a dress…
WILLIAM
Really? Seriously?
JULIAN
Yep, until my father found out… I’ll never forget that.
WILLIAM
Why is that?
JULIAN
Well how would your father react if he found out you were traipsing all around Montana dressed as a little girl, singing and dancing in local saloons? Mind if I smoke?
WILLIAM
No, let me…. (He lights a cigar for him) I don’t know; my father’s gone.
JULIAN
Mine too. Sorry…Well, he wasn’t very happy, he beat me real good.Then we add a little bit of color.
WILLIAM
That’s beautiful. (Julian gives him a look)
JULIAN
Don’t get too carried away kid, it’s just an illusion. Always remember it depends on where you put the paint not how much you splash on. So, because of my father’s reaction, shall we say, my mother sent me to live with her sister in Boston…Anyway…soon after that I found myself the proud winner of a cakewalk contest. You ever do a cakewalk contest?
WILLIAM
Well ….
JULIAN
Of course you haven’t. I only went to watch a dance class where Mrs. Wyman taught cakewalking lessons and there was this awful young creature I decided to imitate. Well Lilla thought I was just terrific, and had beautiful legs, which I do…She also thought I was much better than all those little girls, which I was, so, reluctantly mind you, I agreed to this very amateur production called “My Lady.” Now, hand me the rouge. ROUGE! Don’t you even know what the hell rouge looks like?
WILLIAM
Of course I do.
JULIAN
Then hand it to me. (he does) Thank you. So she’s really the one that convinced me I should become a female impersonator. Oh…Lilla…what a great women. I’ve had a lot of great women in my life.
WILLIAM
I bet you have.
JULIAN
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, HUH?
WILLIAM
Nothing…It was just…I mean…
JULIAN
Forget it, don’t sweat it. Lip paint. (William already had it ready to go) Now you’re learning, kid.Then there was this gentleman, Bob Barnet, who had a group, The Boston Cadets, now he was a good egg.Powder. POWDER! Come on kid, if you’re going to stay here….
WILLIAM
Powder!
JULIAN
Very good, I could get used to this. Thanks. (he begins to powder) Always apply the powder to your shoulders and arms as well. A woman doesn’t sweat, and the powder absorbs the sweat. Hand me that razor.
WILLIAM
What razor?
JULIAN
That razor, right there, if it was any closer it would cut you. Tell me, when have you ever seen a woman with hair on her hands and fingers?
WILLIAM
Well there is this one woman at my bank…
JULIAN
So Bob was directing a review at the Tremont Theatre in Boston, which by the way was in the same building as Lilla’s dance studio.I used to rehearse with them all the time. I wasn’t even a member. Bob knew I wanted to be an actor, so he asked me to do the show. I dressed up as a little girl in the Boston Cadets annual review.
WILLIAM
And?
JULIAN
AND? I was a hit. The following year they wrote the entire show around me. Can you do my right hand?
WILLIAM
Of course, it would be an honor. (he does)
JULIAN
You better have a steady hand, I do not intend on dying tonight.
WILLIAM
I have a real steady hand; don’t worry. Then you did ‘Mr. Wix of Wickham’, right?
JULIAN
You sure know how to make a drink, William.
WILLIAM
It’s just a lot of scotch and a little ice.
JULIAN
Exactly. No, that piece of shit show wasn’t until much later, before that there was ‘Miladi and the Muskateer’, ‘Miss Simplicity’…
WILLIAM
‘Miss Simplicity’? Excuse me but I can’t imagine you playing anything simple.
JULIAN
I didn’t. I was ‘Claire de Loinville’. I stole the show! Are you done yet?
WILLIAM
Almost.
JULIAN
I’m aging here! Oh…but the costumes…they were amazing,
WILLIAM
Then came ‘Mr.Wickham’?
JULIAN
NO! What is your obsession with that show?
WILLIAM
My mother saw it on Broadway at the Bijou Theatre and still has the program. When I was a kid, I used to look at it all the time for hours.
JULIAN
You’re joking!
WILLIAM
I still remember some of the actors’ names in it with you. Thelma Fair, Douglas Fint…
JULIAN
Flint, what a jerk he was, but no kid, first there was another little show, I played Countess Sylvia, this Hungarian girl and I made the song “Sylva” from that show quite popular too. Give me that wig. Good kid. Then in 1904 was…
WILLIAM
(He puts the wig on him) ‘The Wix of Mr. Wikham’.
JULIAN
Correct! Hand me those stockings. It stunk! It was a bomb.
WILLIAM
Except for you.
JULIAN
Except for me…You know kid, I kind of like you. I was a star, a big star. There was ‘Shop Girls’, ‘The Vaudeville Specialties’, ‘Lifting the Lid’. I toured Europe and all over the States with my vaudeville shows. I, however, unlike those other female imposters, like Bert
WILLIAM
Savoy!
JULIAN
Or George
WILLIAM
Fortesque!
JULIAN
You’re killing me kid; I was very different, much better! GREAT! Why, you may ask yourself?
WILLIAM
You were a great actor; you didn’t just do some kind of caricature of women but you, were actually being a woman.
JULIAN
I like you kid. Correct! Hand me the dress. THE DRESS! I toured only as "Eltinge.” That way no one would know whether I was a woman or…
WILLIAM
…a man. Smart! I like that! Eltinge…
JULIAN
That’s when I created "The Sampson Girl", ‘The Bathing Beauty’, and a very ‘Lovely Bride’.
WILLIAM
So people who would see you on tour never knew you were a man?
JULIAN
Don’t be daft, of course they knew. At the end of the show, at the last possible moment, usually when they were already standing on their feet, screaming for more, I would very dramatically, but still understated, remove my wig....like this…(he takes his wig off)
WILLIAM
Oh my God, you must have shocked everyone in the audience. (He laughs)
JULIAN
It’s true, it’s true, it is true. (Motioning to help out wig back on)