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Episode 2.3 – Amjad’s Health Check

Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!

Episode 2.3 – Amjad’s Health Check

Mrs Khan: ______!

Aliya Khan: You look smart, Papa-ji! ______?

Mr Khan: ______! I’m going to the mobile ______at the mosque!

Aliya:_____?

Mr K:They’re doing the ______! It’s very common with us Pakistanis! Did you know, we’re in ______most affected! ______! Good, uh?

Aliya:______?

Mr K:No! ______– I’m fit as a fiddler! They’re testing the young peoples, so ______!

Aliya:______?

Mr K:No – ______! This way, ______! Imagine – your father, Mr Khan, ______of theSparkhill Echo! Headline could be, “______”!

Aliya:______!

Mr K:This project is very high profile, beti!______! We’ve got famous Asian Member of Parliament ______!

Aliya:Oh, ______?

Mr K:______, darling!

Aliya:Keith Vaz?

Mr K:No, ______! You know, ______! Imagine what your classmates will say when you tell them!

Aliya:Yeah! Soon I won’t just be Aliya Khan – I’ll be Aliya Khan, ______!

Mr K:Exactly!

Aliya:______, Papa-ji!

Mr K:Wah! ______!

Aliya:Thanks! So ______?

Mr K:Of course! Of course!

Mrs K:Aliya! Get some normal clothes on – ______!

Aliya:Oh! _____! ______?

Mrs K:TJ’s Baby Warehouse – ______in the West Midlands!

Aliya:______?

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:____?

Mrs K:______! Exciting, isn’t it?

Mr K:______? ______!

Mrs K:______, ______! For Sharmine down the road – ______!

Shazia Khan: And ______!

Mr K:What? You’re not married!______!

Shazia:For when we are married!______!

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:And ______!

Mrs K:I love babies! ______! I really, really, love them! I love their tiny little hands, and ______, and their chubby little cheeks! Oh!

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:No one loves babies as much as I do! And Amjad is ______– he’ll have no trouble ______when the time comes, eh?

Amjad:______!

Mrs K:Chalo, Amjad, ______!

Mr K:No! I need Amjad to come with me to the mosque!

Mrs K:___?

Mr K:Because ______! You’re always saying I don’t spend ______with him, and you’re right!Er, he’s going to be a part of this family, after all!______, ______! And we’re going to do the father and son bonding stuff – ______, ______!

Shazia:Oh, Dad, ______!

Amjad:Thanks, Dad!

Mr K:All right, ______, eh?

Mrs K:OK, fine, but just meet us outside the baby shop at one o’clock!______!

Mr K:Oh, God! Oh, God! OK, put in- that there-

Mr K:Coming through – ______– thank you, thank you!

Tony Abbas:Ah yes, and of course I’m delighted to be showing my support ______!

Mr K:______! Even more so delighted!

Tony:Sorry – and you are?

Mr K:Mr Khan, ______! ______!

Tony:Ah - Tony Abbas, er – ______!

Mr K:______– ______!

Tony:Oh! Really?

Mr K:Yes – ______!

Tony:Right – well, it’serm, lovely,______!

Mr K:Isn’t it? You know, I’m always saying, the National Health Service is ______! Did you know, there are more Pakistani doctors here now______!______, eh?

Tony:Really? I – ______!

Mr K:Oh, yes – ______– neurologist, cardiologist, gynaecologist – we’ve got our fingers in lots of pies!

Tony:_____!

Mr K:______? ______?

Tony:Oh, erm, maybe later –it’s just ______!

Mr K:OK – and then – ______– get a bit of quality time, huh?______!

Tony:Ha ha!

Mr K:All right – ______!

Doctor: OK – ______?

Mr K:______!

Amjad:As-salaamualeikum!

Mr K:______! We’ve just been speaking to the Member of Parliament – we’re going to ______!

Doc:Great – er, ______!

Mr K:Of course!

Doc:So – ____?

Mr K:Amjad Malik – A, M, J-

Amjad:____!

Mr K:______?

Amjad:______!

Mr K:Yes – because ______!

Amjad:Erm – ______?

Mr K:Amjad, this isn’t about me – ______!

Amjad:But ______, sir!

Mr K:You’re joining the Khan family now, son!______– Imran Khan, Amir Khan, Chaka Khan!

Doc:It is a fifteen year project, so ______

______!

Mr K:Yes, ______– ______? ______!

Amjad:______!

Doc:______?

Mr K:______!

Doc:______?

Mr K:______– ______!

Dave:As-salaamualeikum, Mr Khan!

Mr K:Hello, Dave – ______?

Dave:Well______!

Mr K:Well keep your hands off the MP – I’ve already bagsied him!

Dave:Actually, Mr Khan, heart disease is a real issue in the Asian community – ______!

Mr K:Yes – I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, Dave, but ______! Look at me – ______, ______– ______! Look at you – ______, ______– ______!

Dave:I see only human beings, Mr Khan – ______!

Mr K:Well you’d have to be ______!

Dave:Oh, well done, Amjad, ______! You know, heart disease is ______amongst middle-aged Pakistani men!

Amjad:_____?

Dave:Oh, yes – it’s your genes, apparently.

Mr K:What about your lot – ______?

Dave:______!

Mr K:Well I suppose there has to be ______, eh?

Amjad:How can they tell if I’ve got heart disease?

Dave:They give you a cholesterol test – ______, but they’ll also tell you the heart attack symptoms to look out for – ______, dizziness, ______-

Mr K:All right, keep it light – we don’t want to frighten him, do we?

Riaz:______– they found out because they had the high cholesterol!

Mr K:___?

Amjad:______?

Riaz:______!

Amjad:What?

Riaz:Yep – just like that! One minute, ______– ______, ____!

Dave:What about you? Have you got it?

Riaz:No – ______!

Doc:OK – Mr – Malik!

Mr K:Amjad? Amjad!Amjad! Amjad!

Mr K:Are you in here?______! Come on – out!______– it’ll be over in a jiffy! Are you afraid? Is that it?______! It’ll be all right – I’ll be with you the whole time! ______!______! Oh, God! Oh, shit! Now look what you’ve made me do!______– I can hold your hand if you like! Oh, hello! ______!

Tony:______!

Mr K:I can’t – I’m stuck!

Amjad:Hello sir!

Mr K:Amjad – ______! ______!

Amjad:The lock’s jammed!

Mr K:Well ______, ______!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:Amjad – I dragged myself 10,000 miles to this country – and you can’t even climb over a toilet cubicle?

Amjad:Oh, no!

Mr K:______?

Amjad:Shazia!

Amjad:Ooh, ooh, aiiee! Ooh – I think- I think ______!

Mr K:Well just try and hang on to it all ______!

Amjad:But ______? What am I going to tell Shazia?

Mr K:Nothing! ______, it’s all fine!

Amjad:I’ve already been worried about it, ______! My cousin’s ______! I think infertility ______! And I’ve had the mumps – ______!

Mr K:No!

Amjad:Well, you get really hot, and then ______!

Mr K:____?

Amjad:______– mine were the size of pomegranates!______!

Riaz:______– the rind stops you getting the runs!

Omar:That’s true – but I find ______!

Dave:Right – ______and see if I can get us an appointment!

Mr K:Hang on, Dave – ______! We don’t want the world and his auntie ______!

Receptionist: Next, please!

Mr K:Hello, yes, ______!

Rec:____?

Mr K:Mr Khan – K, ______, ______, ______!

Rec:______!

Mr K:No – but er, ______, on a bit of a -______!

Rec:What’s it regarding?

Mr K:______–______!

Rec:______?

Mr K:No.

Dave:______, Mr Khan!

Mr K:Dave – ______, but I’m Mr Khan, community leader – ______! If this gets out, and ______, I’ll need mine sewing back on, ______!

Dave:Honestly Mr Khan, it’s fine – this is a doctors’ surgery, they have ______– ______in here will be treated with the utmost confidence!

Mr K:______! Right, OK, it’s a bit of an urgent matter concerning the general region of the dingly-danglies!

Rec:I see. And ______?

Mr K:Of course not! ______with my dingly-danglies? No! I’m as fit as a halal butcher’s dog – ______!______!

Amjad:As-salaamualeikum!

Rec:Right - well, the first available appointment is ______!

Mr K:Well that’s no good – ______!

Rec:I’m sorry, ______!

Mr K:But it’s an emergency - look at him! ______! If he doesn’t see a doctor today, ______!

Amjad:______!

Dave:If you could let us see a doctor, ______!

Rec:OK, fine, ______!

Mr K:______– ______! And make sure it’s with ______, eh?______, you know!

Rec:Dr Patel could ______!

Mr K:Patel? ______!

Rec:______!

Mr K:______! ______?

Rec:Erm, Dr Gupta?

Mr K:______!

Rec:Dr Prakash!

Mr K:______!

Rec:Dr Mann!

Mr K:Oh, he sounds OK – what’s he like?

Rec:______!

Mr K:______!

Rec:Well that just leaves Dr Lowry!

Mr K:And is Dr Lowry-

Rec:______!

Mr K:Right,well, ______!

Rec:Right – well ______!

Mr K:Thank you! As-salaamualeikum! Oh, cor blimey! Move up! What?Hai – hai! All right? ______? Picking up free Paracetamols? NHS is great, huh? Oh! ______! I don’t think they’ve got a cure for gingeritis, mate! Hey, ______? Cheer up – ______!

Amjad:Yes – I suppose there’s lots of couples ______, and ______, aren’t they?______!

Mr K:Look, Amjad – ______? We’re all in God’s hands, and the important thing is that ______! And together, ______! And anyway, ______! Hello, ______! Oh hello, sweetie darling!______?

Mrs K:Haan, ______! ______!

Shazia:______! I can’t wait to show these to Amjad!

Mr K:Ah, sweetie – maybe - ______, eh?

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:Yes well – hold on to the receipts, uh? ______– they may decide ______– ______!

Mrs K:What are you talking about? Where are you?

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:______?

Shazia:______?

Mr K:It’s fine! ______!

Amjad:It’s all right, Mrs Khan, ______!

Mr K:Shush!

Rec:Mr Khan – ______!

Mr K:Yes, I know sweetie, but I’m losing you – ______– ______OK, bye!

Amjad:I’m really worried, sir!

Mr K:Amjad, it’ll be fine!______, ______, he’ll check you out, and he’ll tell you everything’s tickety boo!

Doctor Lowry: Right! ______?

Mr K:______, ______– we’re here to see Doctor Lowry!

Low:______!

Mr K:Crikey!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:______!

Low:______?

Amjad:Yes!

Mr K:No!

Amjad:But sir!

Mr K:Chillax, Amjad! We need to get this sorted!______– ______?Womens are perfectly able at being ______! There’s no reason to be embarrassed!

Low:So, ______?

Mr K:Amjad?

Amjad:I- The-

Mr K:He’s getting married, you see – and ______! And at first, well, he had the mumps – and then his, er, swelled right up!

Amjad:______!______!

Mr K:And then he sat on one of them – ______!

Low:_____!

Mr K:So – ______?

Low:Well, I think we should have a little look – why don’t you go behind the screen and ______?

Amjad:What?

Mr K:Hang on a minute! ______?

Low:Well ______!

Mr K:Well, er, ______?

Low:Not really! Don’t worry – ______!

Mr K:______! But – we are Pakistani – ______!

Low:______!

Mr K:This is cultural, you see!______, I cannot be seen naked by any woman.

Low:Oh, really? ______?

Mr K:I’m working on that one!

Low:Well in that case I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to book an appointment to see ______!

Amjad:OK!

Mr K:No – ______!

Low:Well in that case I will have to examine his testicles!

Mr K:Mrs Dr Lowry!______!

Low:______!

Mr K:Right! ______!

Low:____?

Amjad:____?

Mr K:Yes – it’s fine! Just ______and I’ll check for you!

Amjad:I’m not really comfortable, sir!

Mr K:Just ______!

Amjad:Like what?

Mr K:I don’t know – ______!

Amjad:Shazia!

Mr K:______! Right, come on – undo your-

Amjad:OK!

Mr K:Oh, God! Right – ______!

Low:Is there any sign of contusion or bleeding?

Mr K:__!

Low:______or any other abnormalities?

Mr K:__!

Low:______?

Mr K:__!

Low:______?

Mr K:______!

Low:Just lightly palpate each one!

Mr K:What?

Low:Just gently feel them ______!

Mr K:______?

Low:No – ______!

Mr K:Right! OK! Oh, my God! It’s terrible – ______!

Amjad:______!

Mr K:Oh, yes!

Amjad:______, sir!

Mr K:______, Amjad!

Amjad:Swing low - sweet chariot – ______!

Mr K:Hello! Amjad’s phone! Oh, hello, Mrs Malik! ______! Yes, we are in the doctor’s! No, ______!

Low:Look, this really isn’t working – ______!

Mr K:Right, I’m going to go, Mrs Malik – goodbye!

Low:Why don’t I just come back there and ______?

Mr K:No! Hang on – ______! Right – hold still! There you go!______?

Low:______!

Mr K:See? ______!

Amjad:Are you sure? ______?

Low:Well you will need a proper medical exam – of course ______is for us to get a sample and then test the output!

Mr K:Right – ______!

Low:I think we can leave Amjad______!

Mr K:Thank God!

Low:There you go – and don’t worry – ______!

Mr K:Fill it!Fill it! ______!

Mr K:Oh God!

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:Hello, darling!

Mrs Malik: ______?

Mr K:______!

Shazia:______?

Mr K:Something came up when______!

Shazia:______? ______?

Mr K:They just need to investigate!

Shazia: ______?

Mr K:Well you know, ______! This will be absolutely fine, but -______!

Mrs K:______?

Mr K:Right – OK! You know, in the cricket, and you have balls – and sometimes you have fast balls, slow balls, white balls, red balls, and even – wide balls – well sometimes you can end up with - no ball! And ______, ______, ______! Do you see?

Omar:So – ______?

Mrs M:Oh, my God!

Shazia:Amjad!

Mrs K:No!

Mrs M:______!

Mr K:No, you can’t go in there!

Mrs M:Why not? ______!

Mr K:______!

Amjad:(screams)

Mrs M:Oh my God, ______!

Amjad:______!

Shazia:______?

Amjad:Mr Khan took me to the mobile clinic ______!

Mr K:______?

Amjad:And then, he was trying to crawl under the toilet cubicle with ______!

Mrs K:Eh?

Amjad: And then I hurt my down-belows______!

Mrs M:Hai hai!

Amjad:And now, I have to give a sample to see ______!

Mrs M:Hai haihai!

Mrs K:Hai haihai!

Shazia:Oh my God,Amjad!

Mrs M:______?

Mrs K:What have you done to him?

Mr K:Ow - ______!

Shazia:I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!______, please?

Amjad:OK, but ______!

Shazia:Amjad! Dad – how could you let this happen?

Mrs K:______! ______?

Mrs M:If you’ve damaged him, ______!

Mr K:Ow, ______!

Mrs K:Now don’t try and ______!

Mrs M:______!

Mrs K:______!

Dave:Hang on – I think there’s something really wrong!______? Rushing sound in the ears? Stabbing pains down your left side? Oh, ______!

Mrs K:What? What is it?

Aliya:______! ______and that!

Mrs K:What? Oh, my God – somebody do something!

Mrs M:______?

Mrs K:______! Call an ambulance!______!

Mr K:______, my darling!

Mrs K:Haan, I’m here!

Mr K:______!

Mrs K:Don’t speak now – save your strength – ______! Just try and rest, OK?

Mr K:______!______! My beautiful wife, ______– and Shazia – ______! Aliya, ______! You’ll find a piece of paper there – I always carry it with me ______! It has some things ______!

Mrs K:No!

Shazia:Dad – ______!

Mr K:It’s a list of ______! Aliya – ______, ______! I see a dark tunnel! ______!

Riaz:______!

Dave:No, no! You don’t – don’t go towards the light!

Riaz:Oh, yes – ______!

Mrs K:Quickly – everybody get out of the way! He’s having a heart attack – please help him! Mind his legs –pick up his legs! Do it properly – right - there we go!

Mr K:Point me towards Mecca! Mind my hat – ______! You see, my darling, the best health service in the world - ______! I’m proud to be dying on NHS premises!

Low:Actually, ______!

Everybody: What?

Low:Well ______, and ______!

Mr K:______? I’m in agony! Come on – give me the paddles!

Low:______!

Dave:Well what about ______, the rushing sound in his ears?

Low:______!

Shazia:But the stabbing pain in his left side – ______!

Low:He does seem to have some bruising ______–_____!

Mr K:All right!

Shazia:Well ______?

Mrs K:Well ______, ____?

Shazia:What?

Mrs K:I mean,______? ______!

Low:OK!______, or a collision of some kind? Have you been aware of ______?

Mrs K:I’ve been poking you in the ribs ______!

Mr K:What? Why?

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:Rubbish – ______!

Mrs K:______! It’s like lying next to a freight train! So – you’re saying-

Low:______!

Mrs K:______? (everybody arguing) -I have to deal with this every day of my life-

Mr K:Ah!

Tony:Aaargh!

Mr K:I’m glad Amjad’s OK!

Mrs K:Haan, me too!

Mr K:______, I think – don’t you?

Mrs K:Haan! And ______!______? You and me, sitting on our patio, with little Shazias and Amjads______!

Mr K:Yes – ______!

Mrs K:Lucky for them you’re still in ______! And ______!

Mr K:Hmm?

Mrs K:______!

Mr K:______, ______! Ah!