1
TWO CHAIRS
BY CONSTANCE CONGDON
3.10.06
Carl Mulert
The Gersh Agency
41 Madison Avenue, 33rd Floor
New York, New York 10010
p: 212-997-1818
f: 212-391-8459
e:
CAST LIST
{2 M; 3 F}
BLAKE, male, 20 years old, in college
MANDY, female, 19 years old, in college
JEREMY, male, 19 years old, in college
The following characters should have bios in the program and not be mentioned otherwise, as they are surprises for the audience and the other characters in the play:
KALI, a dark-skinned young woman, college age.
LYDIA, another woman, age unimportant
SETTING
The present. In front of a featureless wall, in a non-descript location--two metal and plastic chairs.
Acknowledgements
Thank you from the playwright to: Craig Lucas, Liam O’Rourke, Robert Andersen, Greta Gundersen, Peter Lobdell, Michael Birtwistle
[BLAKE, a 20-year old college student is standing and addressing the audience]
BLAKE
“We live, we learn, we learn, we learn, we forget, we learn the same lesson again, we live, we learn, we forget, we learn, we die. This is as I see it. Hang loose, Grampa”
I received this e-mail from a friend on the morning I decided to do it. It was no big thing I decided to do, no really big thing, just an ordinary everyday thing, happens every day, like murder, except most people aren’t murdered or do they murder someone. But everyone, everyone has a broken heart sometimes, or just plain breaks one.
It’s part of being an adult. Of taking responsibility for your feelings--rights--feelings--right to feel or not to--you know--feel.
The guy who signed his name isn’t really my Grampa. He isn’t even old. He was talking about something else. And he goes to another school, but not a better school. It’s just that the e-mail seemed portentious and--apt.
Okay, I’m putting off the inevitable.
So I decided to break up with the girlfriend because she is--ah--corny? So I’m meeting her in a movie, right when the feature begins, because it’s in the dark by then and the movie’s one with lots of special effects so if she starts to cry the sound effects will cover it up and she could leave and no one would think it was strange because girls tend not to like movies with lots of explosions and violence, especially her.
I call this scene: “Pre-emptive Strike.”
[MANDY enters and accompanies BLAKE to two chairs. They sit together and look at the movie for only a second]
MANDY
I want to break up. With you.
BLAKE
[to audience]
Hence the title.
[He exits]
MANDY
[To audience]
You’re right. I knew.
So I guess I won or something.
[Watches movie]
There’s no way I’m ever gonna like this movie.
[She gets up and exits]
SCENE 2
[BLAKE enters and stands, holding a book, waiting]
BLAKE
So now I’m on the bus stop, waiting to take the bus to go to my Eastern Religions class, and I’m thinking that, maybe, she isn’t corny on account of she was so cold--did you see that? I mean, cold, baby. I mean, ice queen of the damned with me. And smart to read the signs as early as she did. Women always want to make it last--build the relationship. They want to be in a relationship. God, I hate the fucking word--it’s love language for BIG PROBLEMS ON THE HORIZON. Relationship. It’s a overinflated tire, man. Waiting to pop. So I guess I told you.
[Beat]
God I miss her! I’m alone!!!
[Gets hold of himself]
Okay. That was nuts. Here’s the bus. Thank god.
Oh, this scene is just a transitional scene. I don’t know what to call it. “Bad Moment Glad Nobody Saw It.”
[He exits to get on the bus]
SCENE 3
[MANDY enters]
MANDY
Okay, it’s scene three--at least. And something is supposed to happen so that you want to stay with the story. But the big thing already happened. And now we’re all just sitting here with the results. I know I feel incomplete, but not sad. Not sad. In fact, I feel phallic--that’s what they call it, therapists. When you’re proactive--that’s another one of those terms--you feel phallic at first and then you crash. And then you go to the health center and they give you a lot of anti-depressants.
[Beat]
I feel okay--just empty. Blake and I had been going together for a long time--it’s only recently that he started deciding things about me. Before I was just his girlfriend, then I became some kind of irritating. . .burdensome thing.
[Beat]
Did you see him crying on the busstop? He’s so confused. He’s such a baby.
[Beat]
What kind of father would he make, anyway? One baby is enough.
[Beat]
Yeah, it’s one of those stories, but not quite because I’m in it. So just be ready for--for--some major non-corny stuff.
[About the word “corny”]
Yeah, I know he says it. Pisses me off, too. As if, he is the keeper of the corn and I, like, use too much. He’s, like saving it--corn--just in case he might feel something. Fuck him. Oops I guess I beat you to THAT.
Joke.
[She exits]
SCENE FOUR
[BLAKE enters and sits in a chair, with his Eastern Religions book in front of him. He just sits there, staring for a long time, then suddenly comes to and looks at his watch]
BLAKE
Fuck me! Class is over and I missed the bus! FUCK! I have to FUCKING WALK back to my fucking dorm because I missed the FUCKING BUS!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED THE FUCKING BUS!!!!!
[He goes ballistic and takes out his anger on the chair and his book, then surveys the damage. After a beat, he sets right the chair, picks up his book and exits]
SCENE FIVE
[BLAKE enters, but at another entrance place, and with his book. He’s been walking and has just arrived at the dorm]
BLAKE
Okay. I’m back in front of my dorm and I’m afraid to look up at the sky because that usually, like, so comforts me. It’s night and I could see stars and feel my minisculeness, miniscularity, whatever. Or think about how much deeper I am than others because I actually, like, know about black holes and neutrinos and don’t believe in God and can grasp the firmament and complexity theory and still feel wonder. But I’m too bummed to get off on all that because I’ve been dumped. So I’m just going to go inside, to my room, and whack off. Unless my roommate’s there.
[BLAKE exits]
SCENE SIX
[JEREMY enters, in a robe. His hair is wet. He carries his shoes and socks]
JEREMY
I’m Blake’s roommate. I’m here. I just got out of the shower. I’m very clean. I’m not leaving.
[BLAKE enters, puts his book on one of the chairs]
BLAKE
Hey.
JEREMY
S’up.
BLAKE
Missed the bus. Had to walk.
JEREMY
Dude!
Sorry.
[Long beat]
BLAKE
Gonna get a Coke.
JEREMY
Machine is out. Sprite.
BLAKE
Fuck. Whatever.
[BLAKE exits. JEREMY fluffs his hair with his hands. He takes a lot of time. After this lonnnng beat, BLAKE re-enters]
BLAKE
Any messages? On the machine?
JEREMY
No.
BLAKE
Nobody called?
JEREMY
No.
BLAKE
Cool.
[BLAKE exits]
JEREMY
It’s like you forget the rulebook when you’re the one who is dumped. When you’re doing the dumping, it’s all by the book. Pick a place with noise, or be in the dark, so no one can see the embarrassing scene--be short, quick, to the point, and get out. Or you’ll be there all night and the next day you won’t be broken up, you’ll just be in this gooey morass of need and then you’ll have to do it all over again. Or write a letter. And then try not to see them? Ever again? And their friends and your friends, and it’s all soooo revolting. No, I’m not gay--I just use a lot of emphasis. I’m the “friend.”
[irritated at being interrupted]
Someone’s at the door.
Come in?
[MANDY enters]
JEREMY
What are you doing here? You had the upper hand. You had all the cards! What if he comes back and sees you?
MANDY
Well, there are only three people in the story and I needed to talk to somebody.
JEREMY
He was going to dump you.
MANDY
I know.
JEREMY
You win.
[Long beat]
MANDY
And yet. . .
[Superpause]
JEREMY
Do we need another character?
MANDY
I do need somebody to talk to.
JEREMY
Couldn’t you talk to me?
MANDY
That’s so menage--
JEREMY
And then people will expect us to fall in love or something.
MANDY
And have sex.
JEREMY
And when we don’t--
MANDY
They’ll think you’re gay.
JEREMY
I’m not gay.
MANDY
I know.
JEREMY
You do?
MANDY
Yeah?
JEREMY
Do you or not?
MANDY
What’s with the homophobic breakdown? Is this some sort of, like, topically-relevant subplot we’re talking about here!!??? How self-absorbed can you be? I’m pregnant! Whether you’re gay or not is of absolutely NO interest to me!!
[beat]
JEREMY
You’re what?
MANDY
Duh.
Duh-duh-duh!
Wait--why didn’t you know already?
JEREMY
I guess I was in the shower--my hair needed to be wet. And it is.
MANDY
That makes sense.
[Beat. The news comes back to them]
JEREMY
Oh man.
MANDY
Yeah.
JEREMY
You’re pregnant. Woa..
MANDY
Yeah.
JEREMY
This was unplanned.
MANDY
Chuh. Yeah.
JEREMY
Are you sure?
MANDY
That it was unplanned? No. I wanted to be pregnant. I thought I’d make a little nursery in my dorm room.
[The emotion hits her]
JEREMY
No, I meant, are you sure you’re--
MANDY
Oh yeah.
Urine doesn’t lie. Particularly three times.
JEREMY
Did you get the plus and minuses mixed up maybe? Because plus means “yes, you’re pregnant” as opposed to “yes, you can be relieved because you’re not pregnant.”
MANDY
I used the double lines one and the colored one and they all said the same thing. I drove to a Wal-Mart twenty miles away to buy the damn things, so no one would recognize me. Then I went to the clinic and had the test again and the counseling and the questions. Is that enough proof?
JEREMY
Are you going to visit Aunt Abby?
MANDY
What?
JEREMY
Are you going to have--you know--a procedure?
MANDY
Are you asking if I’m going to kill it?
[Knock on door]
There’s a knock at the door.
JEREMY
I know.
MANDY
It didn’t make that knock when I was there.
JEREMY
I know.
Come in?
[KALI enters. She is dark-skinned and wears skulls around her neck, like the Hindi goddess]
JEREMY
You’re Kali, the goddess of death. In the Hindi pantheon.
KALI
Continue staring at your own peril.
[Hands MANDY a Coke]
JEREMY
[transfixed]
I thought the machine was out of Coke.
KALI
Untrue.
[MANDY takes the can of Coke in KALI’S hand]
MANDY
[about the Coke can]
It’s warm.
JEREMY
Don’t drink it.
MANDY
I’m afraid to drink it because you are so strange.
KALI
No stranger than you.
[To JEREMY]
Or you.
[KALI picks up BLAKE’S Eastern religions book and exits]
JEREMY
Okay what the hell was that?
MANDY
She took Blake’s Eastern religions book.
JEREMY
Don’t drink that Coke! Put it down. Throw it out--yes--we’ll throw it out.
MANDY
[opening it]
It’s--just--a Coke.
[She drinks from the can]
See?
[Long beat--he watches her. Then she giggles]
Silly.
[MANDY falls over and lies there]
JEREMY
Mandy!! Mandy!! Ohmygod!!!
[Shakes her, tries mouth-to-mouth. She grabs him and kisses him]
That’s not funny.
MANDY
I know.
[Long beat]
JEREMY
It was diverting, though.
MANDY
Yeah.
JEREMY
We forgot for a moment--you know, the problem.
MANDY
It was nice to forget it.
JEREMY
I know.
MANDY
What should I do?
JEREMY
I don’t know.
MANDY
Who is “Aunt Abby?”
JEREMY
What?
MANDY
You asked me if I was going to go to “Aunt Abby.”
JEREMY
Oh. I was just--I was just--using a euphemism. I heard it once. Some girls in my high school were--I mean, I did hear it. Before.
MANDY
It’s stupid.
JEREMY
Yeah.
[Beat. Knock on the door]
Don’t let her in.
MANDY
Of course not.
JEREMY
Do you love him?
MANDY
Do I love Blake?
I’m nineteen.
[Knock on the door]
JEREMY
Maybe you’re too intelligent. Maybe you’re too self-aware and try to second-guess everything, like the future. Maybe we all are that way. Maybe we should just act instinctively.
MANDY
I did that.
JEREMY
Oh.
MANDY
I got knocked up.
[Knock on the door]
JEREMY
I got it. In the earlier exchange. I mean, I got the reference--”instinctively”--”did that.”
MANDY
If you act instinctively, you need to be prepared to live instinctively.
JEREMY
It’s like a sword--instinct.
MANDY
In the “live by it”-”die by it” sense, yes.
[They both look and point in the direction of the knocking, waiting for it. It doesn’t come]
[beat]
MANDY
Hmmm.
JEREMY
Right.
MANDY
Went away?
[Long beat]
MANDY
Yeah.
[They wait for the knock--nothing].
Yeah, definitely.
JEREMY
Good. That was really strange. Disturbing.
MANDY
I know.
[Long beat as they stare in the direction of the “door”]
JEREMY
Maybe you should go. In case he comes back--Blake.
MANDY
He’s not going to come back.
JEREMY
Why not?
MANDY
Because I’m here and that would be so, like, “Oh!” “Oh!” “You’re here!” “I was just leaving.” And you’d say, “She was just here to borrow my--whatever.”
JEREMY
And that would be an obvious lie on account of we have no classes together.
MANDY
It could be for that meeting.
JEREMY
Right. It could be for that.
MANDY
But, whatever, it would be really stupid, and then you would say, “I have to go to the library.” And you’d leave.
JEREMY
I’d have to get dressed first.
MANDY
Right. And there’d be all that time while you got your clothes--
JEREMY
I’d just pick them up and go to the bathroom and change.
MANDY
But the shoes--would you take the shoes, too? That would seem so. . .”And NOW you TWO can be ALONE.”
JEREMY
I’d probably come back to put on the shoes AND the socks because the bathroom floor is usually wet or gunky and besides there’s no place to put on your shoes, let alone your socks, because the only place to sit is on the toilet and that would be, so, like, “I’m on the toilet putting on my shoes and my socks because my roommate and his ex are, like, having some life decision discussion and I’m so lame I don’t even have a personal life to have these discussions about so I’m in this bathroom, sitting on the toilet, putting on my shoes and socks for everyone to see.” And that would be pathetic. And soooo obvious about you two and everyone would start talking and asking questions and there would go whatever privacy you two have out the window.
MANDY
Right.
JEREMY
We wouldn’t want that.
MANDY
No.
[Long beat]
What do we want?
JEREMY
I don’t know. What do you want?
MANDY
I don’t know.
It’s not, like, an unusual problem. It’s not, like, “oh, I’m pregnant” has never been said before. Only a million-zillion times.
JEREMY
And that’s only at this school.
[JEREMY laughs at his one-liner, can’t keep it going]
Hmm.
MANDY
I haven’t lost my sense of humor.
JEREMY
I know.
MANDY
I’d be there--I’m just, you know, distracted.
JEREMY
Yeah.
MANDY
I’m thinking for two now.
[She laughs a little]
JEREMY
Confused for two.
MANDY
. . .Yeah.
JEREMY
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make light of--you know. I--
[doesn’t know what else to say]
MANDY
I know.
[Beat]
Do you have some place you have to go or anything?
JEREMY
No. Do you?
MANDY
No. Not yet, anyway.
JEREMY
We can hang, whatever.
MANDY
Cool.
[Long beat]
MANDY
It’s just that--sorry, I can’t help but say it because I’m thinking it and it’s there at the time, you know--
JEREMY
Yeah?
MANDY
Every minute that I sit here--I don’t mean to be melodramatic--but every minute, like that minute there, cells are dividing and making, you know, you know, you know, a baby.
JEREMY
Yikes!
MANDY
That’s right.
JEREMY
You said it out loud--it’s so strange to hear it--
MANDY
Scary.
JEREMY
Is it the first time you’ve said the word--actually, since, I mean, since. . .this all. . .happened?
MANDY
Since it happened, I’ve probably said the word a million times. Because it happened when, you know, that one sperm got through and I didn’t know it. So I was saying “baby” all the time. “Baby, baby, baby. Baby this. Baby that.” God.
JEREMY
Want to sit down? I mean, stand up? What do you need?
MANDY
To go back in time.
JEREMY
Yeah.