JAKE’S DILEMMA (Stage Play)
The excerpt of the script may be read for free below. The full script can be purchased for Kindle at amazon.com or as a hard copy directly from Gregory J. Lavelle by calling at (440) 724-4538 or emailing at . Royalties to produce the work are negotiable.
Jake’s Dilemma is a two act comedy about a paranoid old man (formerly a high school teacher from Cleveland, Ohio) running a diner in the middle of nowhere in Arizona who believes that aliens are secretly coming to earth during meteor showers. When a couple from New York arrive and do not pronounce it N’Yawk, Jake becomes suspicious and comes to the conclusion that they are from outer space, especially since they have the obvious alias’ of Mary and Joseph. Jake holds them at gunpoint and the husband humors Jake by making wild admissions of being an alien, saying things like, “That hollow moon of Saturn is really a shopping mall” and “You know that “Bermuda Triangle thing”? That’s caused by our beacon” After the husband “confesses” to being an alien, Jake demands that he change into his natural form. The husband then explains that he is a human and that Earth had originally been established as a penal colony, just like Australia.
The wife, on the other hand, goes bonkers, telling Jake that her husband is only humoring him. The husband and wife bicker, like any human couple would do. Jake is obviously crazy and the stories of the husband are totally unbelievable. The fact that the stories just happen to be true makes everything very interesting. The tag line of the play is, “Perhaps even a crazy squirrel finds an acorn now and again”.
RUN TIME: 85 MINUTES (exclusive of intermission)
CASTING: 4 TO 9 MALES
4 TO 8 FEMALES
1 MALE CHILD (7 TO12)
MINIMUM CASTING 11 WITH DOUBLING
CAST
JIMMIEMale child (10-12)
THOMASMale, early 30’s(should be same actor as Joseph)
MOMFemale, early 30’s(should be same actress as Mary)
UFO SEEKER Male or female, tall
CHICAGOMale or female any age
MARYFemale, 30’s
JOSEPHMale, 30’s
JAKEMale, 60’s
HARLEYMale, 30 to 50s
CUSTOMERMale, 30’s or over
ALICEFemale, 30’s
DALLASMale or female
CLEVELANDMale, 20’s or over
DELIVERY PERSONMale or female, under 50
DANMale, late teens to early 20’s
AAA REP.Male or female 20’s to 30’s (alternate dialogue at end of script for female)
The show can be cast with as few as eleven with doubled roles.
Note: If a female is cast as the AAA Rep., there is alternate dialogue at the end of this script.
ACT I
Scene 1 Jake’s Diner, somewhere in the middle of nowhere in Arizona, daytime.
Scene 2 Jake’s Diner, a few hours later, night
Scene 3 Jake’s Diner, the next day, late evening
Scene 4 Jake’s Diner, a few hours later
*** Intermission***
ACT II
Jake’s Diner, fifteen minutes later
ACT I
SCENE 1:
JAKE’S DINER, SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IN ARIZONA, DAYTIME
The scene opens in Jake’s Diner. On stage left is a sign marked with Jake’s Diner. Hanging on a hook in the window near the door stage right is a two sided, Closed-Open sign. The “closed” sign is facing in. There is a long counter upstage right with a cash register, a money bag, a stack of paper bags, a few menus, a box of straws, containers with packets of mustard, ketchup and mayo and a jar of beef jerky. There are three stools downstage of the counter. On a table behind the long counter is a two pot coffee machine with coffee mugs, Styrofoam cups and lids and a display of pies. There is a doorway center stage. On the back wall through the doorway is hanging a key. There is a pass through upstage center to the right of the doorway. Hanging on the wall next to the pass through is a potato chip rack. There is a large sign high on the back wall with various menu items, including a chicken club. On the left of the sign is drawing of a gigantic coffee cup with a price of 60 cents and in large letters, “Free Refills”. On the wall stage right is a door which has a sign, Restroom . Downstage center is a table with two chairs, set left and right. There is a door on stage left that says, “Game Room/Telephone)”. There is a light switch on the wall, upstage right.
As the lights come up, Thomas, a man in his early thirties, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses and dressed casually in jeans, tennis shoes and a Grand Canyon T Shirt enters with Mom, a woman in her early thirties dressed in a similar fashion. Running ahead of them is Jimmie, about ten years old.
Thomas and Mom go to stage right where Thomas surveys a map with a bewildered expression as Mom looks over his shoulder. Jimmie, a ten year old boy in shorts and a western T shirt enters with them and notices the Game Room sign.
At the cash register is Jake. He is about sixty years old, short and stocky, balding and not cleanly shaven. He is wearing worn jeans and a “long time ago once was white” shirt, stained with ketchup and other food items. Standing next to the door upstage center is ALICE. She is dressed in a blue waitress uniform with a white apron. In the pocket of the apron is an order pad and pencil. ALICE is tall, pretty and slim, about thirty-five years old. She is a flirtatious, but otherwise level-headed gal. She is talking to Dan who stands in the doorway. Dan is young, tall and nerdy. He is wearing a short order cook hat, jeans and a white greasy-looking T shirt covered by a dingy apron.
JIMMIE
(glances over and sees the Game Room sign.) (to Jake) (happily) Hey, mister, do you have video games in there?
JAKE
(bored, matter of factly) Yep. Space Invaders
JIMMIE
How do you play it?
JAKE
(snidely) You put quarters in it.
JIMMIE
Got any other games?
JAKE
Nope. That’s it.
JIMMIE
(disappointed) That’s it? There are no other games?
JAKE
(friendly, excited about games, crosses to Jimmie downstage center) Oh, of course there are. There’s all kinds of ‘em. They’ve even got ‘em in 3D. (pause and happy look from Jimmie) See that door over there. (points toward entrance) Now, you go out that door and to your right.
JIMMIE
Yeah.
JAKE
And then walk about seventy five miles to Kaibab. (pauses a beat and then turns walks back to the counter, calling over his shoulder) Don’t let the coyotes get ya.
JIMMIE
(stares straight forward with a mad face and clenched fists realizing that he has been had. After a beat, he shakes his head gives a “what a weirdo” look to Jake and turns to Thomas) Got any quarters, dad? (Jake crosses to behind the counter at the cash register)
THOMAS
I think so. (digs in pocket as Jimmie crosses to him) Yeah. Got a couple. (hands quarters to Jimmie who exits through Game Room Door) (sounds of the game being played are heard)
MOM
Well, we got to see the Grand Canyon. I’m beat. Do you think we can get to Holbrook before midnight?
THOMAS
Well, we took that wrong turn coming out of the park and went thirty five miles out of our way out into the middle of nowhere ---
MOM
(looking around, joking) Yeah, we’ve arrived in the Twilight Zone.
THOMAS
(disgusted) No, we’re on beyond the Twilight Zone. We passed the Twilight Zone about fifteen miles back. (looks at map, bewildered, muttering to himself) Crazy. We’d see a sign for the interstate, drive twenty-five miles, see nothing and then see another sign for the interstate pointing the other way. (Jake stifles a giggle while ALICE wags a finger at him)
MOM
Do you think we can still make Holbrook by midnight?
THOMAS
If we gas up and don’t get lost again, we might get there by midnight.
MOM
(calling) Jimmie, hurry up and finish that game.
JIMMY
(offstage) (whiney) Mom, the object of the game is to take as long as you can and score points. (Weeeoo Weeeoo Weeoo sound of “game over)
MACHINE
Game over, Earthling.
JIMMIE
(offstage) Now, look what you did. (puts another quarter into the machine and the game sounds resume)
MOM
(calling out, jokingly) It's a silly game anyway. The aliens always win.
THOMAS
(joking broadly) It's not silly. It's realistic. If there really were aliens who had the technology to get here, they'd also have the technology to wipe us out.
MOM
(lightly sarcastic) So, it's “realistic”.
THOMAS
(expansively joking) Yeah, it’s a lesson in life. (a beat) Just like pinball
MOM
(disbelieving, skoffing) Pinball a lesson in life? Just what kind of lesson in life do you learn from pinball?
THOMAS
(leans in toward her and says with a smirk and a whisper) No matter how well you play, eventually you lose your balls and your flipper goes dead.
MOM
Thomas! Behave yourself
THOMAS
(with a silly grin) If I play nice, do I get a free ball?
MOM
THOMAS!
THOMAS
(with a silly grin) (whiney, as if as a child, joking) Gee whiz, you get to "jiggle" (shakes his torso as a woman "jiggling") all you want, but if I do anything at all, it's a "tilt".
MOM
(in a hush with a laugh) If you want to be doing any "tilting" with me, Mister, you better watch your mouth.
THOMAS
(laughing) O.K. O.K. I'll behave. Why don’t we just let Jimmie play for a while? We're going to be driving for hours. There's souvenirs out front. He can waste hismoney on the game and you can waste my money on souvenirs.
MOM
O.K. You got a deal.
THOMAS
(calling out to Jimmy) Go ahead and play your game. Mom and I will be out front. (they exit) (Game over sounds)
MACHINE
Game over, Earthling.
JIMMIE
(offstage) Aw, crap. (exits Game Room) (looking out to where Mom and Thomas have left, under his breath) God, they are so weird. (reaches into his pocket, looking for change. He pulls out a dollar bill) Aw, crap. (crosses to the cash register) Hey, Mister, can I get change for a dollar?
JAKE
Sure. (He takes the dollar and puts it in the cash register. He takes out quarters and hands them to Jimmie)
JIMMIE
(He takes the quarters, turns around and walks toward the Game Room, but stops. He looks down to his hand and gets a puzzled look on his face. He crosses back up to the cash register.) Hey, Mister. You only gave me three quarters?
JAKE
Yeah, that's right.
JIMMIE
There's four quarters in a dollar.
JAKE
(feigning surprise) Ya don't say.
JIMMIE
(not understanding the expression, puzzled, protesting) I do say. Everybody says.
JAKE
Ya don't say. (pauses while Jimmy gets an angry look and clenches his fists) Well, there's a service charge.
JIMMIE
Service charge?
JAKE
Yeah, you treat me like an ATM, I act like an ATM.
JIMMIE
What a ripoff. (He turns and crosses toward the Game Room)
JAKE
(crosses to Jimmie, warm and friendly) That's the way life is, son. People are always going to be trying to rip you off. You gotta be prepared and ask questions before ya deal. Gotta know what you're in for before you part with your money.
JIMMIE
(becoming less angry) Oh. So, you're, like teaching me a lesson in economics? (hopeful) and you’re going to give me my quarter back?
JAKE
(kindly, fatherly) Well, yes and no, son. I am teaching you a lesson in economics. (pause for a beat) (abrupt, gruff) But, I'm NOT going to give you your quarter back. (Jimmy stares straight forward with the same mad face and clenched fists realizing that he has been had, again)
MOM
(offstage) Jimmy, are you done playing? We got a couple of minutes to look at souvenirs, but, then we’ve got to gas up and go.
JIMMIE
(disgusted, calling out) Yeah, I'm ready. (crosses upstage center and stops) (turns) (snottily, triumphantly) You know, I would have spent the whole buck. You cost yourself money.
JAKE
(leaning toward Jimmie with a sneer) No, I only get three cents a game. The company that owns it gets the rest. 'lectricity costs a half a cent. (puts dollar in register and slams it shut) I made a profit. (Jimmie stares straight forward with a mad face and clenched fists realizing that he has been had again. Jimmy sticks his tongue out at Jake and Jake responds in kind. Jimmie begins to exit)
ALICE
Little boy. I think you dropped something. (She is holding out a quarter and crosses in front of Jake and gives him a glare and a wag of the head. She hands the quarter to Jimmie)
JIMMIE
Thanks. (gives an angry looks To Jake and walks out)
JAKE
(A look of disdain and a derisive wave is directed toward Alice) Aaa. (He turns and stomps through the stage center doorway and exits.)(CUSTOMER enters. He is in his fifties, fat and balding, a traveling salesman type, wearing a cheap suit and a white shirt which is opened at the collar. He is sweating profusely. Alice crosses to counter and grabs a menu)
CUSTOMER
(mopping his brow) God, it's got to be 120 degrees.
ALICE
(coming up to the Customer with a laugh, rhetorically) What do expect in Arizona in July?
CUSTOMER
I expect it (pointing) out there. I don’t expect it (pointing down) in here.
ALICE
(in a half-whisper) With Jake running the place, expect it.
CUSTOMER
(pointing to a stool at the counter) Can I sit here?
ALICE
Sure.
CUSTOMER
(crosses to stool and sits. Alice follows and stands upstage, gives him a menu and takes out her order pad and pencil) Doesn't he believe in air conditioning?
ALICE
(with a soft laugh) Not after 6:30 in the evening.
CUSTOMER
Why 6:30?
ALICE
Locals know enough not to come in after 6:30. Tourists got no choice. This place is an hour of rough road from anywhere. Any tourists probably won't be coming back this way for years and, by then, most of 'em forget. (with an aside whisper) At least, that's what Jake counts on.
CUSTOMER
(rolling his eyes) Sheesh. (Opening menu) What do you got that's good?
ALICE
(With a coy smirk and a swing of the hips) Most men say my eyes.
CUSTOMER
(with a soft chuckle) What's good on the menu? (coyly looks over the top of the menu) I take it, you are not on the menu.
ALICE
Oh, I'm good, but I'm not on the menu. (with a wink) But, for the right customer, I might arrange a take-out order. (pauses and surveys Customer to see if he has taken the hint) (with a slight sigh) From the menu, I'd suggest the chicken club.
CUSTOMER
That'll do.
ALICE
Dan. Set me up a chicken club.
DAN
(offstage) Will do.
ALICE
Anything to drink?
CUSTOMER
Lemonade? (Alice shakes her head) You got co --
ALICE
(cutting him off) Nope.
CUSTOMER
You got peps ---
ALICE
(cutting him off) Nope.
CUSTOMER
So, what do you have?
ALICE
(very pronounced) Co la.
CUSTOMER
Is it R SSS (starting to say R.C.)
ALICE
(cuts him off) Nope. (hollowly, even more elongated pronouncing, talking as in the Night of the Living Dead) COOOOO LAAAAA.
CUSTOMER
Who makes it?
ALICE
(with a whisper, joking) It’s a secret.
CUSTOMER
(kiddinglysuspicious) What's in it?
ALICE
(with a slight laugh) Don't ask.
CUSTOMER
(laughs) Oh, well. What the hell. (rhetorically) How bad can they mess up cola? (Alice just smiles and nods)
ALICE
Dan, can you fetch me a cola?
DAN
(offstage) Sure. (Dan comes out of the doorway, upstage center, reaches under the counter and grabs a cola. He crosses to the counter and sets the cola down starts to exit though the doorway upstage center)
CUSTOMER
(to Dan) How about a glass? (Dan exits)
ALICE
(abruptly) Real men don't need glasses.
CUSTOMER
Huh?
ALICE
(with a whisper) According to Jake, it would cost nearly a quarter of a cent in wages, water, electricity and detergent to wash a glass and, if they had a glass, they'd expect ice at a tenth of a cent per glass. (closer with a softer whisper) And, let's not forget, there's no way to refill a can, so there's no free refills. (Dan peeks out of the doorway, gets a silly grin and nods rapidly.) (to Dan) Get me a set-up, would’ja, Dan? (Dan goes into the back room and fetches, a napkin, knife, fork and plate and heads toward the counter)
CUSTOMER
(rolling his eyes) Sheesh. (takes a sip and makes an exaggerated wince) Then again, with this stuff, "no refills" is a blessing.
(Dan is dropping items as he walks toward the counter. Jake enters through the upstage doorway and gets an exasperated look on his face)
JAKE
You better not bust anything. Bust a plate and it’ll cost ya sixteen fifty. (Jake exits through the upstage doorway.)