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Citizen Khan 1.4
Citizen Khan
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!
Episode 4 – Amjad’s Promotion
Mr Khan: Testing, testing, ___, ___! There’s a brown girl in the ring, / Tommy, Tommy, Tom –
Shazia Khan: Dad!
Mr K:Oh, fiddlesticks!
Shazia:______? We’ve been waiting ages!
Mr K:______for the mosque committee!______
______- it’s a very prestigious job!
Aliya Khan: ______, Papaji!
Mr K:Ah! ______?
Shazia:It’s hair removing cream.
Mr K:But ______!
Shazia:______!
Mr K:Come on, beti, you don’t need to use that muck! And Aliya, ______!______?
Shazia:Mum – ______! It’s the outfit Amjad’s going to buy me ______!
Mrs K:______!
Aliya:______!
Mrs K:You’re so lucky your fiancé is such a go-getter!
Mr K:Sweetie darling, ______with all my old cassette tapes in?
Mrs K:No. ______?
Mr K:______– ______?
Mrs K:For Shazia’s wedding!Ah - ______!
Mr K:______? ______!
Mrs K:You want me to look like a cleaning lady ______? You’re supposed to be ______!
Shazia:Yeah – ______, Dad!
Mr K:______!______! I’m like the lion at the head of the pride!______!______, ______! ______! Hakunamatata![Swahili: “No worries”, used in The Lion King]
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:Ah! The mosque committee have decided ______for the call to prayer, and ______of finding the right voice?
Shazia:Dave?
Mr K:Me! I’m the figurehead of the call to prayer campaign – like Malcolm X, or Martin Luther Vandross!
Mrs K:So you’re going to have a dignified debate ______?
Mr K:No! I’m going to have auditions like on The X Factor!______! You know, ______, the mosque committee might even make me a trustee!
Aliya:______?
Mr K:______! But I bet ______!
Shazia:Maybe ______! ______!
Mr K:______, Shazia!
Shazia:Then what about Amjad?
Mr K:______, Shazia!
Shazia:______– actually!
Mr K:______? You mean he won’t have to wear that silly phone mascot costume any more?
Shazia:Dad! ______!
Mr K:______! ______!
Shazia:That’ll be Amjad! ______!
Mr K:______, ______, I’m starving! I’ve got my auditions tomorrow! ______!
Mrs K:We’re waiting for Amjad!
Mr K:______?______, and ______– so come on, let’s eat!
Mrs K:______, ______! My son-in-law, the executive! ______!
Mr K:Why are we treating him like royalty all of a sudden?
Mrs K:______! ______!
Shazia:______!
Mrs K:The King of Sparkhill!
Amjad:Hello, Mrs Khan! Hello, sir!
Mr K:Hello, Amjad!
Mrs K:______!
Amjad:Well it’s not definite yet – ______!______–I don’t think I come across very well in interviews!
Shazia:Oh! ______, budhoo?
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Yes – ______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:______, Amjad – ______! Competition is tough out there!______?
Amjad:___!
Mrs K:There you see! It’s in the bag!Chalo! [Let’s go] Sit! ______!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:______? ______! Here, Amjad, have some rice!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:______! So, Amjad, what is ______going to be?
Amjad:______, ______, Pay as You Go, ______!
Mrs K:Wah! Brackets!______!
Mr K:______!
Shazia:Hey, you should see ______Amjad’s going to wear for his interview!
Aliya:_____? ____!
Amjad:______?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:______?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:I do!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:______! ______! See? Easy!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Yes! ______! Ah, lovely!
Shazia:______, Dad?
Mr K:No – of course not!______? How about a jug of water? ______!
Amjad:No, thanks! ______!
Mr K:Sweetie – ______, for Amjad!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______, boy, can’t you take the pace?
Mrs Bilal: Yoohoo, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Oh, God, Mrs Bilal!
Mrs B:______!
Mr K:Well you need to ______then!
Mrs B:______about the auditions!
Mr K:______, Mrs Bilal!
Mrs B:Yes, I know that, but I thought I could help you with the judging!
Mr K:______. ______!
Mrs B:I could be your PA – ______!
Mr K:______!
Mrs B:______?
Mr K:No thank you!
Mrs B:Everyone loves myjalebis!
Mr K:______! I know judo!
Mr K:Oh, God, ______! She’s always invading my private spaces!
All:As-salaamualeikum, Mr Khan!
Mr K:Waaleikum salaam! Hello, Dave! What are you doing?
Omar:We are changing the toner cartridge!
Dave:I think some people have been abusing the system!______whenever you use it!______!
Mr K:______– ______! Are you going to be long?
Dave:Why?
Mr K:______for my call to prayer auditions!
Dave:______? ______!
Mr K:Dave – this is the azaan______! It’s a little bit more important ______!
Dave:Surely ______would be to have the azaan______– we should be lobbying the Council to let us!
Mr K:______? This isn’t an all-night petrol station!______!
Dave:But the azaan______!
Mr K:Yes, but ______? ______!
Dave:______– ______!
Mr K:Look – all these gimmicky things – it’s not what ______!______– ______– you’re on this sort of Muslim YTS[Youth Training Scheme] scheme!
Dave:Oh, right!
Mr K:You, you’re not expected to ______!
Dave:Look, it’s a big issue! A lot of our young people are ______!
Mr K:Is it? Well what about my shoes?______!______– I’m like the lion at the head of the pride!
Omar:At home, we have a saying, “Every morning when the gazelle wakes up, ______, or he will be killed! ______, he must outrun the gazelle, or he will starve! Whether you are a gazelle or a lion, ______, ______!”
Mr K:______?
Omar:______!
Mr K:Right, come on, out you go! Out of the set-up, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Dave:Mr Khan, ______!
Mr K:All right, Dave – as we say in Pakistan, “Keep your knickers on!”______– you can be on the panel!
Dave:No, I don’t think you- ______?
Mr K:Yes! You look like ______about performing arts! You gingers are quite exotic, eh?
Dave:What, well I did do a drama module at Walsall Technical College!
Mr K:______!
Dave:People still talk about my Titus Andronicus!
Mr K:____?
Dave:We could be ______, like Lennon and McCartney!
Mr K:Yes! Or like Rod Hull and Emu! Come on, out you go!
Dave:Hey – maybe Riaz should go for it – ______, don’t you, Riaz?
Riaz:Oh, yes! ______. I like the Shania Twain! “Man, ______!”
Mr K:______!
Mr K:Ah! This is like “Sparkhill’s got talent”!
Dave:______?
Mr K:Yes! ______! Just ______! You’re like Louis Walsh, and I’m more like Simon Cowell – except ______!Right, first one! Now remember, the azaanis ______!______! I want it to sound like a choir of angels, summoning the faithful – OK?
Candidate: OK!
Mr K:Right – ______!
Can:(whispers) Allahuakbar! Allahuakbar!Allahuakbar!
Mr K:____!
Omar:(continuous ah!)
Mr K:____!__!
Riaz:______!
Mr K:______!
Mrs B:Mr Khan!
Mr K:______!
(Man’s voice singing)
Mr K:Ah! ______! I think I’m going to go, Dave!
Dave:You’re going to go?
Mr K:I think I’m going to go!Are you going to go?
Dave:I might go!
Mr K:______!
Both:Whoosh! Ah! Whoosh!
Mr K:Ah – right, come on, Amjad – let’s hear what you’ve got!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Ah, ______! ______! Open the auditions to everyone! You see, Dave – and I’ll get your azaan______! You know, ______, ______! It could be in mosques all over Birmingham, or London!
Riaz:Luton!
Mr K:Yes!______! You know, I want you to ______all aroundSparkhill – and Amjad, ______– maybe even ______, eh?
Amjad:I’m, ______!
Mr K:What? Of course you are!
Amjad:But – ______!
Mr K:Amjad, this is the azaanwe’re talking about – we get our rewards in heaven, ______!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:Yes – ______! Allah is the ultimate service provider!
Amjad:Yes, ______!
Mr K:You know, he gives us unlimited talk time, ______, and ______!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:O2!
Amjad:Makes sense!
Mr K:So, you know, ______! We’re doing this for the mosque, ______, and for God, ______!
Amjad:OK!
Mr K:You know, ______, you and me!______, better watch out!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:Ah, ______with some practice questions! Once you’ve been probed by me, ______!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Oh well, suit yourself then, boy!
Dave:(clears throat) ______?
Mr K:Oh, yes – ______!
Mr K:Allahuakbar! Allahuakbar!
Priest:Oh, I can’t say that!
Mr K:Come on, try please! God is great!
Priest:God is great!
Mr K:There you are! You are a Muslim! Thank you very much! OK? (encouraging sounds)
Mrs K:Have you put in the sugar?
Mr K:Hello, hello, ______!______! Oh, that looks good!______?
Mrs K:I’m making gulabjamuns [milk based dessert]!
Mr K:Always cooking, uh? You know, when I first met your mother, ______! But I knew ______! That’s my skill you see – I can spot potential while others see mediocrity!
Mrs K:______?
Mr K:No thank you!
Mrs K:Amjad will be ______now!
Shazia: I know – ______, isn’t it?
Mr K:You know, you should have asked me to ______!
Shazia:What do you know about ______?
Mr K:I got past immigration, didn’t I?
Aliya:I think ______, papaji!
Mr K:Ah! What an angel! Truly we were blessed when ______! Mind you, ______, so maybe he felt he owed us one!
Aliya:And, if your call to prayer thing goes really well, ______!
Mr K:Maybe – but I’m Mr Khan, community leader! ______!
Aliya:Have you ever Googled yourself?
Mr K:Once, when ______on back to front!
Aliya:I meant, ______!
Mr K:Oh, yes, ______! Mostly at night, ______
______!
Mrs K:Anything interesting come up?
Mr K:Well, you know – all the usual stuff!
Mrs K:That’ll be Amjad now!
Shazia:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Mr K:______! Me, Mr Khan, a trustee!
Mrs K:Amazing! Even though ______!
Shazia:Mum – ______!
Mrs K:______?
Shazia:______!
Amjad:______!
Mrs K:What?
Shazia:______!
Mr K:Ah, dear, oh, dear – I warned you all not to get too excited!
Mrs K:But Amjad, why? ______?
Amjad:______! Instead, they’ve put me on a written warning, and I have to wear the big foam mascot costume ______!
Mr K:Dear, oh, dear! ______!
Mrs K:But why?
Amjad:______! There were these leaflets, you see, and ______, and ______-
Shazia:______, budhoo?
Amjad:The one Mr Khan gave me, about ______!
Mrs K:Oh, my God – ______? ______?
Mr K:Oh, ______– Prime Minister’s saying______!______! I’ve been sending money back Pakistan for the past twenty years!
Amjad:My boss said, ______other companies’ products!
Mr K:______? ______, not Carphone bloody Warehouse!
Amjad:And he said, it was a violations of the employees’ rules of conduct, so I said, ______, because I was going to get my rewards in heaven, because Allah ______, so ______!
Mr K:______?
Amjad:______!
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:Why do you have to get everyone involved in ______?
Mr K:______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:______! I would never say something ______!
Shazia:What about all our plans?
Aliya:What about Mrs Malik?
Amjad:Oh, no!
Shazia:Oh, God!
Mrs K:If she finds out about this, ______!
Mr K:______, everybody!______!
Amjad:______?
Mr K:Yes! You’ve had a misunderstanding with your boss, ______, ______, you’ll have your promotion back ______! Where is he, Amjad?
Amjad:The George Pub, on Ladypool Road!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:Yes I can! ______– they all know me in Sparkhill!______!
Shazia:But, Dad, it-
Mr K:Chup! It’ll be fine! Dave – do you fancy a pint?
Mr K:Right – is this the place?
Amjad:______– it’s his local! I really hope ______!
Mr K:It’ll be fine – we’ll go inside, and just blend in!______that us Muslims are regular guys ______, OK?
Dave:______!
Riaz:But ______, though!
Mr K:Look, I’m not a womans, but I can still go into the lingerie department of Debenhams! ______, as long as nobody says ______!
Dave:This is actually ______between the communities!
Mr K:______, Dave?
Amjad:As-salaamualeikum!
Mr K:All right, mate? Now – ______. ______?
Amjad:______!
Mr K:OK, ______, ______, we’ll get chatty, everybody gets on – he sees ______, Amjad gets his job promotion, bish bosh, Mohammed’s your uncle!
Barmaid: Hello, boys!
Mr K:Hello!
Bar:______, are you?
Mr K:______out for a drink in our local boozer!
Bar:______?
Omar:______!
Mr K:I know that! ______!
Bar:______?
Omar:______!
Bar:I meant, would you like it still, or _____?
Mr K:_____!
Bar:Good choice!
Omar:What about a snack?
Mr K:______!
Omar:______!
Mr K:Fine! We’ll get some snacks! ______?
Bar:Got crisps, love!
Mr K:Crisps – that’ll be smashing, thank you!______? ______– very easy! Chitty chatty, uh?
Bar:______, me! I’m watching my weight!
Mr K:No! ______!______!
Bar:Charmer! Didn’t know ______, but I think it makes my boobs look bigger!______!
Mr K:Will you er – have one yourself?
Bar:Are you chatting me up, you cheeky minx?
Mr K:___?
Amjad:Sir, ______?
Mr K:Amjad, this is just pub banter! _____! Now, ______!
Mr K:Hello! Mr Khan, ______!______?
Amjad’s boss: ____, ______!
Mr K:This is Dave, ______!
Dave:As-salaamualeikum – ______, mate?
Mr K:You see? Muslim, and white!______! We’re just ______, isn’t it?
Dave:______, actually!
Mr K:______!
Dave:Of course ______, and realised that alcohol is an abomination against God!
Mr K:Ahem, ______! Dave,______, ______! Of course, you know Amjad!
Boss:Hello, Amjad!
Mr K:Now, I’m sure we can ______. Amjad is just ______,______, aren’t you, Amjad?
Amjad:Yes!
Boss:Er, sorry – ______, Kirsty!
Dave:Hi there!
Kirsty:Hello!
Mr K:______, Amjad, just a little bit of complimentary chitter chatter, chalo!
Amjad:Hello, sir! Hello, ______!
Mr K:Good! Come on!
Amjad:______!
Mr K:Amjad – Amjad!
Amjad:______!
Boss:____?
Mr K:Don’t worry, mate! Amjad is just being a silly billy! He’s always talking about ______!
Mr K:You see? All good!______! A typical Friday night ______!
Mrs K:Mrs Malik!
Mrs Malik: Thank you!
Mrs K:Gulabjamun?
Mrs M:Oh!
Mrs K:______!
Mrs M:Oh! So kind of you to have me over again!______!
Mrs K:Yes! But of course, ______!
Mrs M:______!
Mrs K:Yes!
Mrs M:______about Amjad’s promotion! ______!
Mrs K:______!
Mrs M:______!
Mrs K:______!
Mrs M:______!
Mrs K:______!
Shazia:______! How did it go, budhoo? Oh, my God! ______?
Mrs M:______?
Shazia:Amjad?
Mr K:______? Oh, ______! Well, ______actually – we were walking along, ______-
Amjad:What?
Mr K:It’s OK, Amjad, I’ve got this! And then suddenly, out of nowhere, ______!
Amjad:No, we went to the pub and ______!
Mrs M:What?
Shazia:Oh, my God, Dad!
Mrs M:______? ______!
Mr K:Well we were in the pub, and ______, and ______, and then she said, “______?”
Mrs K:(gasps)
Mr K:That’s not important! Then ______, and ______, and then next thing I know, Amjad’s gone over and ______!
Amjad:Yes, and ______, and I’m banned from MobilesU Like for ever!
Mr K:See? ______!
Mrs M:______!
Mr K:______? ______!
Mrs K:This call to prayer campaign, and leaflets, ______!
Mr K:Well really, if we think about it, technically ______!
Mrs K:______! This is just you trying to a big shot mosque trustee when ______!
Mrs M:Of course ______as usual, never mind that my son will be destitute! And ______? I’ve told everyone ______at Mobile U Like, and ______! ______?___?
Mrs K:Girls, Mrs Malik is hysterical – ______! She needs camomile tea – and a valium!
Amjad:I just wanted Shazia to be proud of me!
Mr K:______!
Amjad:I was going to buy her ______!
Mr K:Just get them from ASDA – ______!
Amjad:But ______!
Mr K:Look, Amjad, ______, ______! You’re kind, and thoughtful – all right, you’re not the spiciest samosa in the tiffin box, but – still, ______, and in the end – ______!
Amjad:But – ______?
Mr K:______-
Amjad:______?
Mr K:No! Look at me and Mrs Khan! When we got married, ______, did we?
Mrs K:No!
Mr K:And ______, did we?
Mrs K:No – ______in Balsall Heath – ______!
Mr K:Bert and Tina!______!
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:They used to give me free pickled eggs!
Mrs K:And in the evening, ______, because in those days, ______!
Mr K:True! ______!
Mrs K:But ______, ______, ______, did we?
Mr K:No – ______! We managed OK, didn’t we?
Mrs K:______!
Mr K:So you see? ______!
Shazia:______!
Mr K:____?
Shazia:______!
Amjad:______!
Shazia:______!
Amjad:______!
Shazia:______!
Amjad:______! I mean, ______!
Mrs K:It’s OK – ______!______?
Aliya:Mrs Malik’s choking on a gulabjamun!
Shazia:______, budhoo!
Amjad:I know! ______– ______!
Shazia:______, Mum?
Mrs K:Oh, I think ______!
Recording: ______by Mobile U Like, for all your telecommunication needs – ______!