OLIVER CROMWELL AND THE BOYS,
or No Mince Pies
— a musical by Daniel Curzon and Dan Turner
CHARACTERS: (doubling is possible in minor roles; 15 for cast)
JOSHUA HALSTEAD, 40s, a Puritan manufacturer of firearms
RUTH HALSTEAD, 40s, his wife
SETH HALSTEAD, 20, their son
JUDITH HALSTEAD, 17, their daughter
KING CHARLES I, 40s, the king of England
OLIVER CROMWELL, 40s, leader of the Puritans and
then Lord Protector
Counselor
Lord Burleigh, an economic adviser to the king
Executioner
French Director
Inventor
Attendants, Aides
Adulterous Wife
Her Husband
Heretic
Three Irish Prisoners
Citizens as Chorus
SETTING: In and around London, 1648. One platform to serve as scaffold.
ACT I, SCENE 1
(The HALSTEAD family is kneeling in prayer in the king’s garden as the play begins.
(They sing:)
A PURITAN PRAYER
Lord, if Thou care,
Please hear our prayer.
Look to Thy simple folk.
And ease the tyrant’s yoke.
Lord of this sphere,
We are sincere.
Since we are mild,
We are reviled
Every day . . .
Take all our burdens away.
God, though they fault us,
God, won’t Thou lift and exalt us!
Now that —
Blood has been shed,
Mercy is dead,
Swords of the king unsheathed —
Thy faithful barely breathe.
Hear our request.
They have transgressed.
If it’s thy will
That we be killed
Any hour . . .
Then we shall kneel to Thy power.
God, though they fault us,
God, won’t Thou lift and exalt us!
One sweet day . . .
(The family rises.)
JOSHUA Now, remember, we mustn’t scrape and bow to him just because he’s a king! Let’s
speak right up. Once he realizes we’ve come all this way to see him in person, I’m
sure he’ll give me my business back.
JUDITH I hope you’re right, Father.
SETH He can’t go on persecuting us like this. It’s not right!
RUTH Dear Lord, thank you for my husband and my children! . . . Shall we call to the
king now? He may not know we’re here.
SETH What if he doesn’t like what we say and decides to punish us, or even kill us?
(Flamboyant KING CHARLES enters with a short whip, wearing a hawking band on
his arm and looking for his hawk in the sky when he stumbles across the HALSTEADS.)
KING
CHARLES What’s this we see? Puritans in our garden! Get out! Get out of our private garden!
(He snaps the whip at them.)
JOSHUA But this is public land, Sire. This isn’t your garden!
KING
CHARLES All of England is our garden. Out with you!
JOSHUA Your Majesty, we are your subjects. We are loyal to the king!
KING
CHARLES Why do you tell us the obvious?
JOSHUA We fear your wrath, yet we must speak!
KING
CHARLES Just one bit of advice: if you can’t say something nice with your tongues, then don’t
stick them out at all!
RUTH Your Majesty, we are simple, plain folk. Have you no place in your heart for us?
KING
CHARLES Probably not! (taking it back) Oh, we suppose we do! Our heart is as big as our
empire.
RUTH Then will you listen to our petition?
KING
CHARLES Well, since we’re here! We do try. We’re not trying to be a bad king, God knows.
RUTH I’m sure that God knows, Sire.
KING
CHARLES Well, what is it you want to say? We were testing our new hawk, and we’d like to
get back to it before it dies of old age. Where has it flown to? (He looks around.)
Well, what is it?
(JOSHUA is a bit tongue-tied.)
RUTH It’s my husband, Your Majesty. His manufacturing business is in danger
because you have given a monopoly to one of your favorites.
KING
CHARLES So?
RUTH We cannot make a decent living if you will not let him manufacture his goods!
KING
CHARLES Well, our friends at court have to make a living too, you know! Nag! Nag! After a
while, you have to give them something!
RUTH But, Sire, it isn’t fair to give something to a few people. That way you have only the
very rich and the very poor.
KING
CHARLES We know, we know! It’s not what we’d like, believe us. We hate seeing beggars
sticking out their runty little hands near the palace. Do you know that they actually
steal meat from our hounds!
SETH Don’t ruin my father just to help your friends. Help us, Your Majesty, please!
JUDITH We pray that you will help us.
(She falls to her knees. Then the other three kneel.)
KING
CHARLES Oh, get up! You don’t have to pray to us. We have the divine right, of course, but
we’re not divine ourselves. Not bad, just not divine! This all seems very irregular,
we must say. Common folk petitioning us! We don’t know how to handle this, and
we’re not afraid to say so, either!
SETH Isn’t there something you can do?
KING
CHARLES We’ll take it up with Parliament.
SETH But you’re not talking to Parliament. At least that’s what we’ve heard.
KING
CHARLES Oh, that’s right! Yes, they can sit on their rumps until they getbumps. Or turn to
stumps. Or get the mumps!. . . They’re nothing but frumps! Hey, we rather like that
— it’s poetry, don’t you think?
JOSHUA (pressing: on) I wrote your majesty a letter, but I got no reply.
KING
CHARLES Do tell! You can’t expect us to sit around reading letters all day, canyou? Do
something we can understand!
JOSHUA Like what?
KING
CHARLES Well, don’t nag — that’s the first thing! Tell us a joke — and maybe we’ll make you
a knight, if we crack a rib laughing.
JOSHUA I’m afraid I don’t know any jokes.
KING
CHARLES How dreary. Can’t you at least try?
SETH Did you hear the one about the king and his spaniel?
KING
CHARLES We don’t think we’re going to be amused by that one! Have you others?(The
HALSTEADS confer, but cannot come up with a joke.) Not a single joke among
you? Oh, these Puritans! No wonder we have so few of you around. Well, tell us
some good news then. Have we defeated Spain or anybody lately?
JOSHUA I’m not sure, Your Majesty.
KING
CHARLES How about some gossip then?
JOSHUA About whom, Sire?
KING
CHARLES Anybody! How about one of our mistresses?
JOSHUA I’m afraid I’m very far from the court, Your Majesty.
KING
CHARLES (to RUTH) How about you? Know any good morsels? About our wife?
RUTH I couldn’t say even if I knew, Your Majesty.
KING
CHARLES What a bunch of good-goodies! Here you are expecting favors from our largesse,
and what do you give in return?
SETH We pay high taxes.
KING
CHARLES Don’t start on that. Just don’t start!
JUDITH My father and mother work very hard. They help make England rich.
KING
CHARLES (bowing) England thanks you!
JUDITH Then you’ll stop the monopoly so my father can go to work again?
KING
CHARLES We simply can’t have all this familiarity! You’re not treating us like your monarch.
We’re not your chum!
JOSHUA What would you have us do, Sire?
KING
CHARLES Flatter us or something!
JOSHUA Flatter you?
KING
CHARLES We shouldn’t have to ask! Try it! Some people like to flatter, you know.(The
HALSTEADS confer, trying hard to come up with a compliment.) Well, it can’t be
that hard to find one little compliment!
(The HALSTEADS separate, with JOSHUA getting ready to give a compliment.)
JOSHUA Your Majesty!
KING
CHARLES (pretending he doesn’t know what’s coming) Yes?
JOSHUA Here’s a compliment for you.
KING
CHARLES For us? Oh, you shouldn’t have! What is it?
JOSHUA (hesitantly) We think . . . that you are . . .
KING
CHARLES Go on, go on.
JOSHUA . . . are . . .
KING
CHARLES We’re waiting!
JUDITH (taking over) We think you’re the greatest king we’ve ever had . . . since . . .
KING
CHARLES Oh, really? Since when?
JUDITH (awkwardly) Since the last king.
KING
CHARLES Is that the best you can do?
SETH Let me try.
KING
CHARLES Our patience is not infinite!
SETH Well, you’re one of the tallest kings England has ever had. And you have more
hawks and hounds than any other king. And you’re —
KING
CHARLES Young fellow, we’re afraid you’re not getting the hang of it.
JOSHUA Your Majesty, please don’t make us flatter you. We’re not used to it.
KING
CHARLES You people wouldn’t last one day at court!
JOSHUA (some anger creeping in) Perhaps we were not made to cringe and flatter, sir!
KING
CHARLES Heigh ho, what’s this we spy! A peasant angry with his king?
JOSHUA I’m not a peasant. I’m a burgher, and a man of some accomplishment!
KING
CHARLES You don’t say! A burgher! (snickers)
JOSHUA I merely want to be able to practice my business and my faith without interference.
Is that too much to ask?
KING
CHARLES Probably!
JOSHUA At least give us religious freedom! We don’t need priests and bishops. Let us
worship as we see fit!
KING
CHARLES What do you think would happen to our realm if we let everybody worship any way
they wanted to? We’d have chaos! Anabaptists and Papists and atheists underfoot
everywhere you looked! If the Church of England is good enough for us, then it’s
good enough for you!
RUTH But the doctrines of the Church of England have been corrupted.
KING
CHARLES Bite your tongue, woman! Who are you to say? Who are any of you to say?
RUTH We must go by our consciences. That’s all we know.
JOSHUA We are not Papists and atheists. We’re good, decent Protestants to the core!
KING
CHARLES We’re a Protestant, you’re Protestants. Why can’t we just let it go at that?
JOSHUA It’s a matter of our souls!
KING
CHARLES Can’t you bend a little bit? A teensy-weensy?
JOSHUA It’s something deep within.
KING
CHARLES That’s merely indigestion! We’re beginning to think this unscheduled royal
audience is over. (Threatens them with his whip.)
RUTH Oh, no, Sire!
KING
CHARLES Decisions! All the time decisions! Why us? We didn’t ask to be a king!
(He sings:)
ROYAL COMPLAYNTS
Noble vexations get no consolations.
We get no comfort, for we are a king.
Being mighty! Finding time for high tea!
We must worry all day long!
Drinking wassail in a drafty castle.
We are thankful we are strong!
Regal afflictions really are not fictions.
No one feels sorry, though we are oppressed.
Sometimes heads need offing! Then there’s siring offspring!
We must chat with those who bore!
Not temperamental, we’re monumental —
And endure the poor!
(The HALSTEADS sing:)
Royal misfortunes come in large proportions.
He gets no pity since he owns a throne.
Wearing tons of satin! Learning Greek and Latin!
He must wear that [his crown] on his head!
Not autocratic, just ‘ristocratic,
Waving till he’s dead! [CHARLES waves like a monarch.]
(KING CHARLES sings::)
Ah, ah! No one ever cares.
Ah, ah! No one knows the snares.
Ah, ah! No one ever shares
The sorrows of the well-born!
(The HALSTEADS sing, mocking him:)
Ah, ah! No one quite despairs.
Ah, ah! No one puts on airs.
Ah, ah! No one ever dares
Exactly like the well-born!
(KING CHARLES sings::)
Noble exertions lead to class aspersions.
Where is compassion for your wretched king?
JOSHUA It seems we all have our problems, Your Majesty. Do you think you might do
something for us now?
KING
CHARLES No! Get away! There’s nothing we can do! Get out! (He chases them away with the
whip.) Here, hawk! Where is that foul fowl!
(KING CHARLES exits, looking for the hawk.)
SCENE 2
RUTH Tired, dear? (JOSHUA nods.) We’re almost home.
JOSHUA I don’t think I have the strength. (He sits down, melancholy.)
RUTH Of course you do! (Sits beside him, comforting him.)
JOSHUA What’s the use?
RUTH Now that’s no way to talk. It’s just a temporary setback. The Lord is on our side,
so we’ll have to win eventually.
JOSHUA Do you really think so?
RUTH Certainly.
JOSHUA (hugging her) You’re a wonderful woman, Ruth. I don’t know what I’d dowithout
you.
RUTH To be honest, I don’t know, either!
JOSHUA You’ve been my rod and my staff.
RUTH We’ve both been lucky. Think of all our friends — arguing night and day —
but we’ve been together for twenty-one years with no disputes.
JOSHUA It seems like only a few months.
RUTH Now you don’t have to flatter me. After all, we are not the king!(Strikes a pose
mocking King Charles.)
JOSHUA I’m telling God’s own truth, my darling wife!
RUTH Oh, you’re so good, Joshua. (Pecks him on the cheek.)
JOSHUA We can do better than that. (Takes her in his arms and kisses her fully.)
(SETH and JUDITH applaud.)
RUTH (breaking away) We’ve got spectators!
JOSHUA Lord knows, we’ve got to show them how it’s done!
SETH I think we already know!
JOSHUA Even Judith?
RUTH Not yet.
JUDITH (naive) What are you talking about?(The others snicker at her, especially the men.)
RUTH (putting an arm around Judith’s shoulder) Now, now, we mustn’t make fun of the
girl. She and I are going to have a little talk one of these days.
JUDITH A talk about what?
RUTH No use hurrying these things. All in God’s good time.
JOSHUA (knowingly) I’ve already had a talk with Seth, haven’t I? The way a father should.
SETH (knowingly) Yes, Father!
JOSHUA So, Judith, you listen to what your mother has to tell you, when the time comes, and
you’ll turn out to be as good a woman as she is.
JUDITH (mystified) Well, why don’t you all just tell me now?(The others laugh.)I don’t
understand what’s so funny!
RUTH It’s all right, daughter. In time I will tell you all you need to know about being a
woman. Then you’ll marry happily, the way I did.
JOSHUA I can see her as a bride already.
JUDITH (worried) Already?
RUTH Hush now, it all comes together. Don’t fret about it.
JOSHUA I’m going to wish you the greatest luck I know how to wish anybody, Judith.
JUDITH Yes?
JOSHUA I wish you a marriage that’s as happy as the one I share with your mother.
SETH I’ll drink to that! (The others react with disfavor.) With a glass of milk, of course!
JUDITH It must be wonderful to be so much in love.
RUTH It is, dear. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.
(JOSHUA sings::)
OUR LOVE
Our love is blessed.
Each day it revives.
Our love isn’t idle,
For it’s vital and it thrives.
(RUTH sings::)
No love’s untroubled.
That’s no source of shame.
Our love’s not the freshest —
Precious all the same.
(BOTH sing:)
We have a home and a big featherbed.
And we have God up above.
We have a larder and our daily bread,
And we have children to love!
(JOSHUA sings::)
We must be thankful,
And secure love fast.
Two souls intertwining
Keep enshrining love so vast.
(BOTH sing:)
Our love is blessed.
Each day it survives.
Our love isn’t waning,
Still sustaining, guiding both our lives!
SETH But what are we going to do about the king?
JOSHUA I don’t know.
SETH Well, I know! I’ve got plans.
JOSHUA What are you talking about?
SETH I’m not going to wait around merely praying that the king will change his ways.
Some of us are going to make certain he does!
RUTH Seth, what is this?
SETH Didn’t you see what happened? We got to talk to the king himself and nothing
came of it. We come back home with our tails between our legs, like four of his
whipped hounds.
JOSHUA But you can’t talk treason?
(CROMWELL appears in the distance.)
SETH Not only talk it!
RUTH Seth!
SETH I want you to meet someone. (as if a signal) Oliver Cromwell!
SCENE 3
CROMWELL (coming closer with the CHORUS as supporters) Well? Was I right about the
king?
SETH You were.
CROMWELL When there’s no mind there to begin with, how can it change?
SETH We’ve been patient long enough!
CROMWELL I like your spark, boy. But don’t underestimate the king. We must make sure
that when he falls he truly falls. A viper that’s merely wounded is twice
dangerous.
RUTH What’s going on here?
CROMWELL Rest assured, m’am, that the day is coming when England will no longer
feel the tyrant’s heel on her neck.
SETH And Oliver will be king!
CROMWELL Now, now, I’ve never said I wanted to be king.
SETH You’d make a wonderful king!
CROMWELL All I want is for my country to have a government that cares about its
citizens — just once! Down with favoritism and special interests!
JOSHUA What if the king or his men hear this talk?
CROMWELL You can’t work because the king has robbed you of your livelihood.
You can’t pray without being harassed. What more will it take before
you decide to do something about it? Do you want your son taken into