MANAGING DIVORCE: POSITIVE POST-SEPARATION PARENTING

FOR EFFECTIVENESS AND WELL-BEING (MDP3)

Introduction

Adults and children in divorcing families face challenges in relationships and with feelings, both one’s own and those of others. These are challenges in achieving and sustaining optimal interpersonal effectiveness and emotional well-being under the circumstances. Coping with the pragmatic changes and emotional adjustments requires new and different strategies for defining problems, setting goals, and negotiating effective solutions. This course is designed to promote necessary parenting and conflict resolution skills in order to enhance care for the parents themselves and facilitate their children’s growth and development in the post-divorced family.

Parenting “Outside the Box”

Q. “I’m Divorcing, Now How Do IManage It All?”

A. “By Learning To Manage Your Divorce!”

The dangers for divorcing parents do not lie only in the crisis and chaos, but also in failing to make choices which enhance flexibility, creativity and opportunity. Successful people recognize that it is important not to get stuck in rigid ways of viewing and responding to challenges. Instead, they optimize the outcomes by clearly understanding the situational and personal dynamics, effectively communicating, resolving conflict, and managing change.

Understanding yourself, the other parent, and each of your children in terms of strengths, limitations, needs, interpersonal style and interests, as well as the unique challenges your family faces, will help you develop the strategies that are most effective. Positive parenting requires managing change, managing communication, managing the resolution of conflict, and managing for the future by planning now.

Understanding the Impact

Divorce in Contemporary Society and Culture

Comparative Statistics and Patterns

  • 2.3 million couples got married, and 1.3 million got divorced in a year
  • 40% of first marriages end in divorce (in some communities the percentage ranges over 60%, such as in Boulder, Colorado)
  • over 60% of divorces affect parents in the age range 25-39 years
  • over 1,000,000 children are affected by divorce each year
  • 1/3 of parents remain bitter and hostile for several years after a divorce
  • 24-26% percent of parents “disappear” from the child’s life within a few months following divorce
  • second marriages are statistically at greater risk of divorce than first marriages
  • over 90% of women report their relationships with their children are as good or better after a divorce than before, but only 58% of men say that (and 1/3 of men say that their relationships with their children after divorce are poor)
  • 70% of children now spend some of their childhood in a single parent home
  • the percentage of families headed by a single mother averages 12.2% in the U.S. (of these, 40% by divorce and 18.3% of these never married), ranging from 9.5% for Asian-Americans to 41.8% for black Americans
  • the number of single fathers raising children has increased 25% over 3 years (2.1 million in 1998, up from 1.7 million in 1995); the number of single mothers raising children was unchanged (9.8 million)
  • child abuse is well-established in 9% of all single-parent households, but 14% of divorced households (compared to 5% of two-parent households) – single-parent custodial fathers are particularly likely however, children who said they got along with their fathers best reported no well-established abuse, regardless of reason for family breakup or gender of parent

History of Marriage and Divorce

See Basch, Framing American Divorce (1999)

Conceptualizing Parenting

Parenting in relation to Adult Development and Roles Across the Lifespan

See Erik Eriksen, “8 Stages of Man”;

The Continually Changing Parenting Task Demands and Roles

Why do people want to become parents?

biological imperative, caring and being cared for, expansion of self-concept, pursuit of moral value and religious beliefs, stimulation, novelty, fun, social status, immortality, sharing, transmission of values, reliving one’s own childhood, spousal compliance and bonding, power, societal expectations, security in older age

Stages of parenthood

image-making, nurturing, authority, interpretive, interdependent, departure, grandparenting

See Seymour Wapner, “Parental Development” in Demick et al., Parental

Development (1993)

Special Multicultural Considerations

Emotional Stages of Divorce

Denial

Unrequited love

Spouse as a stranger in one’s home

Sense of Betrayal; indignation; devastation

Mourning; depression; sadness; grief of loss

Loneliness; jealousy

Blaming; rage

Competition and task management

Vindication; anger

Novelty and newness of being single

Trying out, establishing and consolidating a new identity

(“second adolescence”)

Acceptance and re-entry

Forgiveness or apology?

See Diane Neumann, “Emotional Stages of Divorce,” Divorce Mediation Training Associates (1999)

Losses for Parents in Separation and Divorce; Gains

Psychological issues of the “marital home”:control of one spouse by the other, tension between a stable home for the kids and need to access equity now, station and style of life (maintenance and major repairs, heat, who else can live there), memories (good and bad) and the significance of past improvements, trespassing and privacy, past conduct, pre- and post-marriage acquisitions and inheritances

See Diane Neumann, “The Psychological Issues of the Marital Home,” Divorce Mediation Training Associates (1999)

The Role of Apology and Forgiveness – Is It All It’s Cracked Up To Be? When Is It Likely To Be Helpful Or Not?

Understanding Losses for Children in Terms of Developmental Tasks and Needs at the Different Stages of Childhood

Some themes are common among all children: fear of loss of attachment and abandonment, fear of change, difficulty in verbalizing feelings.

Other reactions depend in large part on the age of the children.

Infants and Toddlers (“I’m Abandoned”)

Infants react primarily to changes in energy levels, mood and nurturing capacity of their caretakers. Parents should make an effort to maintain normal routines for the infant, and maintain calm, safe contact. Toddlers will understand that one parent has moved away, but will not know why. They are likely to regress to more infantile behaviors (such as soiling pants) and experience sleeping difficulties. They are also likely to become more clingy, irritable and withdrawn. Parents need to be patient with some regression, be responsive to increased needs for nurturing and reassurance. Increased exposure to other adults such as grandparents may help toddlers.

Preschoolers (“I’m Responsible”)

Preschoolers recognize that one parent has left, but also cannot understand why. They have limited cognitive ability to make sense of the loss, are egocentric, and are likely to blame themselves. They may experience excessive nightmares. They are likely to become angry and/or aggressive. Fears of abandonment are pronounced in this age group. They are often not able to verbalize their feelings, but instead act them out in play. Preschoolers should be encouraged to talk. Parents can read age-appropriate books about divorce with these children. Frequent contact with the absent parent should be encouraged. Extra time for routines may be necessary, and, of course, extra nurturing is needed in all age groups.

Elementary School Children (“I’m Not Fitting In”)

These children have some understanding of their parents inability to get along with one another and the fact that people can stop loving one another. This group is most likely to harbor fantasies that their parents will reunite. They also likely to feel rejected by the parent who left, and worry about what will happen to them. Parents should encourage dialogue with these children and plan to spend extra time with them, if possible. They should be encouraged not to get involved in the “adult” problems. They should maintain daily routines and help inform friends, neighbors, relatives so that the children don’t feel that they have to maintain the divorce as a secret. Some level of fear or depression is common, but professional help should be sought if there is excessive unhappiness, anxiety, denial; guilt; feelings of rejection; sleep distrubances; phobias; compulsive eating; aggression, or dependency. By age 7 or 8, children shift to a greater understanding of time, the future and the concept of “forever.” This may stimulate death phobias, or increase fantasies about parental reconciliation. They are also able to understand and tolerate better the length of visitation time. They have more available school peers for support and as detractors. Their depression shifts from mere withdrawal and shutdown to more adult-like sadness and grief.

Preteens and Adolescents (“It’s All Your Fault”)

These children will understand the reality of divorce, but are still not likely to “accept” it. They are likely to feel angry, disillusioned and abandoned. They may side with one parent, and refuse contact with the other. They may engage in high-risk behaviors such as drug or alcohol use. They may fear relationships of their own. They may worry about money. Because they have more capacity to see the world from someone else’s point of view, and therefore empathy for the distressed parents, they can become so caring and concerned as to take on a supermature or parentified role in relation to the adults, which may be unduly burdensome or rob them of childhood. Finally, they may try to take advantage of any temporary family dysfunction, playing one parent against the other. Parents should maintain open communication, reminding children that the divorce is not their problem and they should not become over-involved. Home rules and routines should be maintained. Children should be given privacy, but their activities should be monitored.

Teenagers and Young Adults (“I’m Dropping Out”)

It is important to recognize that even older teens and young adults are profoundly affected by the break-up of their family. They, too, are likely to feel anger and abandonment, and need to mourn. Depression, chronic fatigue, restlessness and irritability are common in this age group. They may worry excessively about sex and marriage. They may experience intense loyalty conflicts, and they may withdraw from the family. They are still prone to high-risk behaviors. Parents should be sensitive to the needs of their young adult children and being willing to empathize in age-appropriate ways.

Other long-term adjustments and effects.

Other stressors in children’s lives.

See William F. Hodges, Interventions for Children of Divorce: Custody. Access and Psychotherapy (1991)

See Mitchell A. Baris and Carla B. Garrity, Children of Divorce: A Developmental Approach to Residence and Visitation (1988)

Losses for Other Family Members; Gains

Grandparents, In-laws, Your Extended Family

The Other Partner’s Family

Your Children’s Steparents– Gaining a New Steparent or Leaving

a Steparent

Your Children’s Stepsiblings - Gaining New Stepsibling(s) or

Leaving Stepsibling(s)

High Cost of Breaking Up–

Working Parents Don’t Earn Enough to Make Ends Meet After Housing, Food, Transportation and Day Care; Cost of Raising Child to Age 17 is $156,690

See Boston Globe, September 23, 1998 and April 23, 1999

Managing Change

Coping in life is always a matter of managing change. Some of the changes you are facing have to do with the immediate impact of the process of separation and divorce, for you, the other parent, your children, even other family members and friends. But there will be other changes, too. As people get older they face new life tasks and roles. These affect their interests and needs. Your children, of course, are also growing and they face many developmental transitions to adulthood.

Let’s take a look at change in the context of the emerging situation now in your divorce and the demands we can anticipate in continued growth.

Taking Control and Meeting the NEW YOU

  • Self-image, Self-esteem, Personal Goals and Assertiveness
  • Health and Fitness, Nutrition and Exercise, Appearance and Image
  • Spirituality, Psyche and Mental Health, Sobriety and Good Habits
  • Finances, Work
  • Activities of Daily Living
  • Personal Goals, Appropriate Assertiveness and Anger Management

Facilitiating Your Children’s Adjustment

  • Divorce experience for children in the immediate crisis, short-term aftermath, and long-range period: infants and toddlers; preschoolers; early elementary school; later elementary school; adolescents
  • Children’s fantasies about divorce: the custodial parent will abandon the child, too; the child will be kidnapped by the non-custodial parent; the parents will hurt or kill one another while fighting; the child will be hurt or killed by enraged parent(s); a parent will stop loving the child; the parent will ove his new dating partner/spouse more than the child
  • Children’s beliefs about divorce: the child caused the arguing between the parents; the child could have stopped the fights and thus prevented the divorce; the parent who left home did so because he/she did not love the child enough to stay; the noncustodial parent has not visited much because the child is unlovable (not pretty, not smart, not nice)

See Neil Kalter, Growing Up With Divorce: Helping Your Child Avoid Immediate and Later Emotional Problems (1990)

Six tasks a child has to master in divorce:

  • acknowledging the reality of the marital rupture;
  • disengaging from parental conflict and distress, and resuming customary pursuits;
  • resolving losses;
  • resolving anger and self-blame;
  • accepting the permanence of divorce;
  • achieving realistic hopes for their own relationships

See Judith Wallerstein, “The Long-term Effects of Divorce on Children: A Review,” Journal of AmericanAcademy of Child Psychiatry (1991)

Potential key developmental problem areas for long-term effects of

divorce on children:

  • handling anger and aggression,
  • separation individuation,
  • gender identity

See Neil Kalter, “Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children: A Developmental Vulnerability Model,” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry (1987)

Factors which affect how well children handle divorce:

  • temperament;
  • age;
  • gender;
  • environmental stability;
  • psychological functioning of the residential parent;
  • contact with both parents;
  • intensity of the conflict between the parents

See Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Baris, Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce (1994)

Do Parents Matter in Children’s Development?

Judith Rich Harris, in a new book The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do; Parents Matter Less Than You Think, and Peers Matter More, cites 750 scientific articles, books and papers. She argues that variations in traits like impulsivity, aggression, thrill-seeking, intelligence, amiability, neuroticism, and shyness are 20-70% due to genetics. While parental behavior affects how a child behaves at home and regards the parents, it does not have a lasting effect into adulthood. Furthermore, children can elicit particular parenting styles through their own behavior. Identical twins reared in the same home are no more alike than identical twins separated in infancy and reared in different homes. She argues that peer groups teach children how to behave, and kids take on the group’s attitudes, behaviors, speech, and styles of adornment.

But Jerome Kagan and John Gottman have studies which show that how parents deal with shy children, rebellious children, etc., produces better adjusted kids. Parents who are good “emotion coaches” are sensitive, validating, facilitative of verbal expression of feelings and problem-solving.

Harris intends to “lighten the burden of guilt and blame placed on parents of problem children.” But some critics argue that her reasoning could be used to minimize the deleterious effects of parental poor role modeling, arbitrary and abusive mistreatment.

See “Do Parents Matter?” Newsweek (9/7/98)

Do Fathers Matter?:

  • arguably neither fathers nor mothers are essential to child development
  • responsible fathering can occur within a variety of family structures

See Louise B. Silverstein and Carl F. Auerbach, “Deconstructing the Essential Father,” American Psychologist (June, 1999)

But contra, see Jeff Jacoby, “Attack on Fatherhood a Political Screed Masquerading as Science,” Boston Globe (July 20, 1999)

What Factors Can You Control?

How children adjust to the changes resulting from divorce depends upon a variety of factors. Over some of these factors parents have limited control. These include the age, gender and psychological make-up of the child.

However, there are other factors which you can manage and potentially control. These include:

  • How and what the children are told and how they are involved in the divorce
  • Allowing the children to grieve the loss of their intact family
  • Stability of environmental factors such as friends, schools, activities
  • Frequency, predictability and quality of contact with each parent, and willingness of parents to allow each other to nurture the children
  • Willingness of parents to address their own psychological needs outside of their relationship with the children
  • Introduction and integration of new partners and step-families
  • Improvement of overall parenting skills
  • Willingness of parents to assume financial responsibilities

How and What the Children Are Told of the Divorce

Children need to know that their parents are getting divorced and the general reasons for the break-up. Details should be age appropriate and designed to assist the children in understanding the divorce, and not to assign blame or lure them into taking sides. The children need to know that it is not their fault, and that they should not attempt efforts to stop the divorce. They need to know how their lives will change, and the role of each parent in the future. They need permission to continue to love both parents.

Willingness to Allow the Children to Grieve