Emotional touchpoint story: the story is with a relative of a resident in a care home
The environment
Emotional words: uncomfortable, awkward, heard and satisfied
In relation to when I visit Margaret she is always sitting in the sitting room with the other residents there are just no seats for me to sit down beside Margaret and have a conversation with her. Even if I crouch down beside her everyone is listening to our conversation. Often we would say let’s go round to your room but even there was only one chair and she would sit on this and I would sit on the bed. It just felt a bit uncomfortable.
I felt awkward when people were listening to us in the sitting room and I felt awkward in her room because we were not sitting together. It’s just a bit weird.
The sitting rooms are quite small so I don’t know if they would get another chair in there.
I asked the care home manager if there was any possibility of getting another chair in her bedroom so if she had a visitor there would be a place for her to sit and that happened very quickly after I had mentioned this. I felt heard. The acted quickly. The same day I spoke about the chair I also mentioned about the mirror in her bathroom. It’s too high for her. I asked if it could be moved so she could see herself and they did that. It was great. I did feel able to tell them these things.
One of the things they do is they contact me by telephone to tell me about anything that’s not quite right. The day I spoke about these things they had been on the phone to tell me she had had a fall and while I was on the phone they asked me if there was anything else I wanted to discuss and I said there was a couple of wee things.
Sometimes when I am in at the weekend management are not there so the phone is the best way for me.
Care of my mother in law
Emotional words: satisfied, safe, frustrated, sad
She is a woman who is very proud of her looks and after she had been in a few weeks some of her good looks in terms of her hair and her general appearance just wasn’t in the way that she would have done it. She had whiskers coming out of her chin and her hair was not the way she would have it. She did not look the way she would have normally looked. That was frustrating. I felt that the staff were not attending to it or trying to something about it. Margaret would never have let me see her like that.
I did say to staff that I had noticed she had whiskers and that’s when It all came out that she’s always got a story that she forgot to do it and she will do it later on and I was able to say that she did that with me too on the occasions that it hadn’t been done before she came into the home. So there was a bit of sharing between us. I suppose it let me know that it wasn’t because they weren’t trying they were it was just that they were finding it difficult. I know she can be quite tricky sometimes and I would generally try to use humour - I might say to her what would Dougie say about this he might put you in the circus as the bearded lady I would cajole her and say its only going to take a few minutes and generally she would allow me to do this. It was good to be able to tell the staff that that was what I did. I don’t mind helping with things like that.
The sadness is there because if Margaret was fully aware she would not be happy about presenting herself in that way so there is a sadness.
I have not had conversations to staff about what is important to Margaret. I have tended to raise things as and when they come up.It would be nice to sit down with staff and have a conversation about what really matters to Margaret.
Just knowing that she is safe in the home and she can’t get out without someone helping her to do that is good. She is not going to set fire to the place – because that is what happened – knowing that she is safe probably overrides a lot of things. I don’t have to worry.
I feel satisfied because when I have mentioned things they are always on the case and keen to learn and listen and do something about it.
Visiting my mother in law
Emotional words: anxious, angry, heard, supported
I feel anxious because she can be verbally abusive to me and I know that she can potentially be like that each time I visit. So there is always that thing before I come – I wonder what it is going to be like today and the fact that nobody else is there to see what happens is quite difficult. I try to reason with her and explain I am not stealing her money or trying to make things difficult for her but she does not believe me. I have mentioned it to staff and they spoke to the doctor but they did not really do anything and when I mentioned it again they got the GP to phone me. The GP was incredibly understanding and really acknowledged how difficult it was for me to visit. The GP has referred Margaret back to the mental health services and one of the CPNs is going to come and see her – she knows her quite well. That felt good to be able to explain how it was for me and further to believe me.
Letting people know how difficult it is for me has been helpful it’s made me feel less anxious. I don’t meet many of the other visitors so I don’t know If anyone else feels like this in the care home but maybe there would be a chance to meet with other people and share this because it does feel very isolating. It does put me off wanting to visit sometimes.
Now that they know about it – it would be nice to be asked when I am leaving – how was it today? Checking how it is.
There are many times I feel angry with Margaret because of the way she treats me when I am trying so hard to support her. It’s funny because I know she has dementia but I still feel angry and I have to try hard not to show her that.
When I told them how difficult I was finding it they did do something about it. The GP really did understand. I felt I was not alone anymore and people were really trying to help me and Margaret.