Pretty Lackluster and Problematic Class/Div examples
Example #1
Dear Director of the CDC
Dear Director of the CDC, there are over 60 million Netflix users in this world (Smith). No one, not even the callow teens who know everything, uses their accounts correctly. This tragic epidemic will only aggrandize as Netflix gains more popularity. A vicious virus is rapidly spreading via Netflix-- teenagers are mutating into browsers, bingers, and in worse case scenarios, chillers.
First, we deal with the browsers. The indecisive, frustrated ones who can't seem to select that one documentary or classic movie because they believe nothing is germane enough to watch. This initial stage of the Netflix virus is the least destructive to the user, but should still be taken seriously. They scroll and scroll and scroll through each of the sections of entertainment but still come up empty handed. Most of the time, these Netflix users are very ebullient about watching and utilizing their Netflix account, yet they never actually end up using it. The saddest part is, “the servers each store 100 terabytes of data and stream between 10,000 and 20,000 movies”, yet some people can’t even find one movie to watch (Smith).They select the scary movie section hoping for that thriller that keeps them on the edge of their seat but there isn't enough stars for the rating, or it's too long, or their curiosity of the other categories floods their minds. So they check out other possibilities. This creates commitment issues. Sure, it's just Netflix, why does it matter that they can't commit to one show? But what no one realizes is the long term effects it could have. First it's Netflix. Then it's relationships. Then it's simple life goals. It's a destructive snowball that just keeps bigger and bigger until every youth is infected. Stop the madness now before we end up with a world filled with commitment-fearing humans that have no desire to finish what they started or start anything important in their life-- help them before it's too late.
Then there are those teenagers who begin window shopping but end up going on a gratuitous shopping spree. Only one word can truly describe them-- bingers, and 61 percent of Netflix users find themselves indulging in shows at least once every few weeks (Smith). This type of Netflix virus fosters some of the most wasteful and anti-social victims. They are worse off than Browsers, yet still carry their contagion. They immerse themselves in television shows and movies for hours or more in one sitting. Eventually they hang off a cliff after watching the complete first and second seasons of Lost in a span of a day. Impossible? Not for this type. Others are just too lazy to exit before the next episode automatically commences. These actions have dire consequences; professional scientists believe minors should spend "no more than one or two hours a day" (Mayo Clinic Staff) watching television because it puts their brains at risk of melting away. Besides, real friends could have been made in the time wasted on fake fantasies. It’s a shame that teens find themselves with such a deep-rooted affinity to a computer screen.
While browsers and bingers both find a way to waste their own time, chillers are on a whole different playing field; they are the epitome of ‘bad Netflix user’, if they are even users at all. In the distant past, the phrase “Netflix and chill” really did mean “hang out and watch TV shows”. Unfortunately, when this strain of Netflix virus started to infect individuals, the phrase also became infected. While the “Netflix” part of the phrase remained intact, the “chill” part of the expression became a subtle yet not-so-subtle euphemism. The idea is simple: they ask someone they like if they want to “Netflix and chill”, and when they come over, they watch Netflix for no more than 2 minutes before making a move. The problem is that Chillers buy a Netflix account not for watching shows but for exploiting their friends; they use their Netflix account as a medium to score some action. They invite a girl over to “Netflix and chill”, when all they really want to do is “chill”. In effect, to these people, Netflix is simply an excuse to garner some underage nasty business. It’s a clever idea, really, but don’t be fooled. While it may seem like just a humorous saying that people make fun of, “51% of millennials use Netflix”, and it is in the best interest of the people to not imagine what these millennials are doing with their Netflix accounts when their parents aren’t home (Smith). Netflix and chilling is the most malicious of social sins, because it not only wastes a perfectly good Netflix account, but also spreads CTD’s--chill transmitted diseases-- through Netflix misuse.
All three defiled types of users are very sick and do not get the meaning of Netflix. Chillers are obviously coldest from the truth because they don’t even have Netflix in mind. Bingers turn the service into an eye-drying marathon. Browsers are close but can’t take that final step of commitment and regress. This infects teenagers literally and figuratively. Let this epidemic serve as a caveat to the people. Netflix—a service designed to entertain—has, without a moment’s notice, become a cancer designed to corrupt. Please help.
Sincerely,
Concerned Teenagers
Works Cited
Smith, Craig. "By the Numbers: 50 Amazing Netflix Statistics and Facts." DMR. Digital Marketing Stats/Strategy/Gadgets. 6 Aug 2015. Web. 12 Nov 2015.
Mayo Clinic Staff. "Children and TV: Limiting your child's screen time." Mayo Clinic. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Web. 12 Nov 2015.
***************************************************************
Example #2
Highway to Hell
The average car ride, no matter how long or short, can become a bit dull while staring out the window, watching the landscape roll by. Often times, the typical human engages in acts of hedonism, which usually involves singing, to entertain oneself and the others in the car. It’s not uncommon to pull up to a red light and witness someone creating a personal concert in their car. Studies have even shown that “singing can improve your health, increase happiness, and even extend your life” (Haltiwanger Elite Daily). Now, although that may be the case for the average car singer, who treats the experience like a sing along, there are three exceptions to the rule. Ranging from mildly annoying to downright infuriating, the people who fall into the categories of Vibers, performers, and mumblers manage to find ways to torture the victims they have trapped in rolling dungeons dubbed “cars”. Knowing when you encounter one of these indaviduals and how to react to their performances is vital to your survival on your personal highway to hell.
First off comes the Vibers. Their strategy in partaking in your demise is like a lion stalking its prey. At first, they will remain quiet, closing their eyes and “feeling” the music. To them, it's all about serenity and the indie movie aesthetic they get from the music they are playing. After all, they require deep concentration on your heart and breathing in order to feel the music (Haltiwanger Elite Daily). Then they bait you with the head nodding, the waving in rhythm, and the glancing at you to make sure you are feeling the vibe as well. Take caution when they start to do this because they are cajoling you into a trap. You begin to feel comfortable with them, building up the courage to finally flaunt the singing skills you've practiced in the shower day after day. This is when they pounce. As soon as you decide to break the silence they snap at you for interrupting the music. They elucidate that they can’t stand when people talk over their music. To them, enjoying their music is so much more important than enjoying the company of those around them. So now it's awkward, they're having a good time completely unaware of how uncomfortable they make others. You feel as though you have entered into another realm of pretentiousness.
Next comes the second level: The performers. These are the ones that are hellbent on flaunting their “skills” and will put everyone else’s life in danger just to hit that high note while attempting a one and a half pirouette. Riding with these types of singers will make your ride definitely one to remember, but for all the wrong reasons. With the twists and turns, the screams, the jumps, and the straining of their vocal chords, not only will the car feel more like a rollercoaster ride, but they will also scar your eardrums to the point where you can’t even tell what song is playing. The performers ignore all other riders in the car, other than those of their kind due to the fact that their imaginations have run wild and made them believe they are performing a duet on American Idol. Even if you flout them and beg them to stop, if you're lucky, you will appropriate a single response as the quote Ella Fitzgerald in saying ”The only thing better than singing is more singing”. At this point the best thing to do is put your earplugs in and enjoy the personal concert complete with choreography and back up singers that is taking place in your passenger seat.
And finally comes the worst calamity of all, the mumblers. With these heathens in your car, you won't be sure whether they are dying, trying to talk to you, or actually attempting to sing along with the music. “Think of this, you are getting ready to start those first few words and then someone else’s words, (whose don’t match the original,) start flowing out of their mouth. Your eyes rage as you see those words come out, and your ears clench as you hear every word come out wrong” (Erskinem Singing in the Car). As seen on multiple accounts, they tend to go in and out of a song that they claim they know, reciting a phrase or two every couple seconds, then go back to attempting to decipher the rest of the song by emanating a mix of choppy hums along with murmurs of botched lyrics. When a song you are familiar with is playing and you begin to sing along, they will only mumble louder, trying to prove that they know more of the song than you do (Erskinem Singing in the car). This leads to a constant white noise in your head as the mumbles begin to intensify, canceling out any other source of sound in the nearby area. Most humans will be able to stand up to an average of five minutes with these miscreants before they develop a large antipathy towards them. After this develops, one's only chance of survival with keeping your sanity is to either throw yourself or the egregious singer out of the car. This of course disproving the joint study from Harvard and Yale claiming “singing increases life expectancy” (Haltiwanger Elite Daily). As you can see, this class of performer is not only causing bedlam in every automobile they inhabit, but they are also a danger to mankind and must be stopped at all costs.
Take caution, as all of these singers can be encountered anywhere and as you can see, they all pose a threat to your well being. They could be disguised as a friend, a family member, or even a hitchhiker, but no matter who they are, they are ready to cause you harm. However, perhaps you have never experienced one of these annoyances before. Maybe it's luck? No. You, my friend, are the bane to everyone's driving experience. So keep in mind, whether it's you or someone else, the annoyance levels of these bestial people will be triggered no matter what class they are in. With the entertainment, the swerves, the screams, the mumbles, and the vibes, danger is coming your way and harm is imminent, so buckle up.
Works Cited
Erskinem. "Singing in The Car." Singing in The Car. Web. 12 Nov. 2015.
Fitzgerald, Ella. "Singing Quotes." BrainyQuote. Xplore. Web. 12 Nov. 2015.
Haltiwagner. "People Who Sing In The Car Are Happier, Healthier And Live Longer." Elite Daily. Juju People Who Sing In The Car Are Happier Healthier And Live Longer Comments. Elite Daily, 24 June 2015. Web. 12 Nov. 2015.