Spiritual Autobiography –
Matthew Walter
This is a true story of God’s faithfulness. A story of understanding God, allowing my God Vessel to open up and learning to let light pour in. There are many parts of this story that are still being uncovered to me in my navigation of the last 28 years. I am embracing the journey and allowing God to breathe life into my lungs daily as I discern life in community.
I was born in Englewood, CO to a single mother from Upstate New York. She had moved to Colorado as a traveling nurse in the mid 80’s. During this time she found herself living with a couple with whom she was attending church with. In this season of her life she became pregnant and felt ill equipped to raise a child on her own. Being that she was fairly young and single, a feeling of bewilderment and shame was present. Within a few months the pregnancy became clear in the household. The shame and confusion led to vulnerability and ultimately transparency. This couple, by the grace of God, found themselves around this same time having difficulty time getting pregnant and had even been blindsided by a failed adoption a few months prior. Through many challenging, beautiful and illuminating months my birthmother and this couple decided that it was best if the couple raised the child. Prayer and discernment and the intervening of the Holy Spirit led to this miraculous provision. I am that child and the year was 1988. My birth mother’s name is Suzette and my parent’s names are Tim and Marci Walter.
I was adopted legally and raised from day one with the Walter’s. Suzette lived in the Denver area till I was 5 but kept her distance allowing my parents to fully supply the role of parents. Suzette moved back to New York State around this time and is now a missionary in Burkina Faso in West Africa.
I spent my childhood, adolescence and high school years in and around the Denver metro area. Everything seemingly glowed with normalcy; sports, neighborhood friends, music, summer camp, youth group, acting in plays, sleepovers, drumline, rock bands, pranks, etc.…. My parents moved to Denver to start a Vineyard church plant after spending some time in a Mennonite Intentional Community in Hillsboro, Kansas. The community was called House of the Lamb and was only in existence for about 5 years.In its short period of life,House of the Lamb received spiritual direction from Reba Place Fellowship and this was possibly one of the sparks for my desire that I was able to find out about it initially. We were apart of a non-denominational church that split off from the initial Vineyard church that my parents moved here for. My parents very much lived as intentional neighbors. Their church community was very interwoven and people came first. I believe that is one of the reasons the spark of living in community started from a young age.
I felt a lot emotionally as a child and was very aware of my relationship to others. This brought on a lot of responsibility for others, which I am still navigating as an adult. In the last few years I have realized a lot of those tendencies stemmed from being adopted and the abandonment I felt from my birthmother and the burden of gratitude that I felt I had to pay back to my adopted parents for saving my life and not abandoning me. I was a people pleaser, did everything right and communicated about everything. I didn’t tell my parents or my friends all the internal purging of my soul but anything that would possibly cause division between me and someone else was put on the table so everyone knew. It has caused a lot of anxiety throughout my life. I thought people would abandon me if I was not “good”. This also was a trend in my spirituality. I believed God would abandon me for the same reason.
In high school and up until college I functioned out of this fear; captivated by my own inability to see and feel without thinking I was doing something wrong. College brought me into the light, if you will, allowing me to feel free from who I was but still shedding layers every day. I felt like I yearned for God but didn’t see him lived out in the people I met. Slowly the light dimmed and I began to slip into apathy, real deep apathy. College had this trend spiritually. Philosophy and alternative spirituality took over and God became a trophy on my mantel, which I looked at and admired from a past life. Thankfully God continued to open me up without my knowing. My God vessel was being cracked open so light could pour in. Accountability flowed through Christian friends who stayed by my side through college and even post college. I still sought truth but I sought it on my terms and through every method possible. Alcohol abuse and tobacco usage became an unfortunate part of my last few college years. This continued into post college because of some people pleasing and unhealthy responsibilities I fell into with roommates of mine who were partaking in this lifestyle. This difficult season of confusing spirituality and wandering led to me moving around a lot all over the country looking blindly for truth and people who would show me unconditional love. I was looking for God’s redeeming love the whole time.
After almost 3 years of this desert period of my life I worked at a summer camp in Colorado that was affiliated with North Park University and I met 2 North Parkers who were cycling across the country and they showed me God in a way I had never seen or heard. I was instantly drawn to the Holy Spirit in them. Shortly after meeting them I had a very eye opening and mind-blowing experience where I was able to sit down with my birthmother and hash out everything and hear from her own mouth her experience with having me and the shame that accompanied that and who my birthfather was and all the answers to questions I didn’t know I needed to ask. Needless to say my God vessel was opening up even more. I visited these 2 North Parkers 3 days after my conversation with my birthmother and had many spiritual encounters visiting them. One of these experiences entailed them asking if I wanted to move to Chicago at the end of the trip and live with them when they graduated from North Park. They were going to try and live intentionally after college and seek accountability. I basically burst into tears and felt my God vessel open all the way up. I knew that God had me in his eye sockets this whole time and that his love was guiding me. I felt God that day for the first time at 23. It was a pilgrimage from waywardness to understanding my origin better to finally feeling a Christ-centered community in Chicago. There are many details in between and through all the cracks in this story and I would be happy to answer any questions you may have as we get to know each other better!