Do to Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You

HABIT EIGHT

Grow in Character
as Your Marriage Grows

“… do to others as you would have them do unto you.”

Matthew 7:12

Most of this book deals with individual habits — how you order your own life so you grow to your maximum potential. The next three habits, however, deal with family relationships. Using these relationships for personal growth, instead of allowing them to deplete our resources, can make a wonderful addition. Family relationships are God’s chief means for molding us into Christ-likeness. In them, we must sacrifice — die to ourselves — for it to work. Here we examine personal growth in marriage. Then, in the next two chapters, we will discover that while helping our children develop, we also develop enormously.

Would you like to have such a good marriage that others use your marriage as a model for their own? If you apply what you read here, you can have just that. Why would anyone want to live with less than the best — two highly effective Christians living and growing together?

God wills healthy and affirming marriages. His Word gives instructions about how to build them. We can allow our marriages to be a workshop for spiritual character development and the marriage partnership — a ministry team. Good marriages are built; they don’t just happen. Maintenance and improvement are continual, lifelong projects. My wife, Char, and I have learned to “turn to” instead of “turn against” each other. Marriage is a diamond with many facets worth polishing. In the following pages, you will read some of what we have learned in our many happy years of growth together since April 1969.

Marriage and Cultural Issues

Consider marriages in Confucian family systems. Char and I served 18 years in Asia. We lived with the subtle remnants of Asian family traditions in which deceased ancestors are perceived to remain active in the daily lives of living descendants. They are believed to be able to bring good fortune or punishment to the living. This is the rationale for veneration of ancestors. Ancestor worship and the accompanying emphasis on respect for parents produces a vertical family structure. Sons serve their fathers. Parents choose the marriage partners of their children. Wives do not change their names when they get married. They remain outsiders in their husbands’ families.

In such a patriarchal and vertically oriented family system, daughters-in-law serve mothers-in-law. Most unfortunately, love for one’s wife is considered an insult to one’s parents. Men take a wife to produce descendants. Marriage is a means to both please the ancestors and produce future worshippers. Children serve their parents to gain their favor with the hope of avoiding future catastrophes after Mom and Dad are “gone” (but not gone in this worldview). In this environment, wives resent being used and live for the day they can use their own daughters-in-law. As an understandable and unfortunate result, romance is often lacking in marriages but flourishes outside of them!

In 1996, we returned to the United States where marriage is under another type of attack. Young adults often feel that romance is the only basis for marriage. When they no longer feel romantic, they think they have fallen out of love. American culture has lost sight of the fact that to love or not to love is an act of the will and that marriage is a contract for a lifetime. Breaking that sacred covenant has become so much the cultural norm that even believers are breaking it. The divorce rate for Christians is no lower than that of the non-Christian sector. In the northeastern states, where the percentage of born-again believers is lower, the divorce rate is the lowest. In the Bible Belt and south where the percentage of born-again believers is higher, the divorce rate is the highest!

This chapter is not an anti-divorce tirade. We will think more deeply than that and illustrate how we can grow as our marriages grow. If we are fine-tuning our character in our marriages, we experience one of the strongest developmental processes woven into human social fabric. Over time, we change and change and change, and so does the situation. No one can know what the spouse or the situation will become with time. But contracts remain in force. Our romantic dreams of marriage may have become a mirage. Our plan for a sweet dessert may have become a dry and parched desert. But if we get the emphasis right, mirages can become marriages again, and deserts can become desserts again. It is all a matter of correct emphasis!

Asian marriages are pressured by vertical family problems while American marriages are entered too lightly and broken too often. The Bible provides many healthy instructions for personal character development, equal partnerships, and useful service to God through our marriages. Furthermore, as a bonus, we get to really enjoy romance, too! According to surveys, Christians have the highest rate of enjoyment of physical intimacies. Non-Christians talk more about it, but Christians enjoy physical intimacy more with no regrets, guilt, or misgivings. Char and I, like hundreds of others, have learned how to be good friends in marriage and enjoy a better party than anything Hollywood has to offer. Like other mature Christians and happily married partners, we too joke, romp, play, talk, listen, rake leaves, and wash dishes like young people in love. You can, too!

The Reciprocity Principle

To reciprocate means to pay back in kind. Verbal exchanges continually occur between married partners. They can be good or bad. Satan wants to undermine our joy by sowing seeds of discord in marriages. He tries to drive wedges between husbands and wives, to divide and conquer, to destroy the strength they could gain from unity and purpose in the marriage. Satan seeks to begin negative reciprocal cycles. God wants to help us maintain positive ones. Behavior in any close relationship is much affected by the principle of reciprocity. You have heard spouses exchange pleasant and affirming words: “That looks nice.” “Thanks, you look good to me, too.” We have also heard negative cycles: “That was a klutzy move.” “Well, you were in my way, jerk.” Humans are naturally inclined to return good for good or bad for bad, and both the size and speed of the exchanges can be increased or decreased. The goal is to slow down, reduce the size, or even abort the negative cycles, and, at the same time, start and increase the speed and size of the positive cycles.

Scripture says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Matthew 7:12). If you don’t like the treatment you are receiving, review the treatment you are giving! It is not likely that a partner will consistently return bad for good. If you are not receiving courteous respect, it may be because you are not giving courteous respect. God’s rules are good for us. The above verse could say: “It is good for you to do to others as you would have them do to you.” Plant seeds of courtesy, honesty, affirmation, and care. You will benefit by reaping the blessing of courtesy, honesty, affirmation, and care. Be a good spouse, and you will find you have a good spouse. Keep the positive reciprocal cycles going in your marriage.

If you are not yet married, evaluate the relationship with the person you are dating. Does that person possess the potential for partnering in a mutually affirming reciprocal relationship? A good married life, including good physical experiences, is built on this kind of maturity. When I come home from work, I like to announce my arrival as I come in the garage door. I walk down the hall by singing out something like, “Hey, hey, Baby, I want to know if you’ll be my girl.” This sets a good tone for the entire supper hour and evening because Char responds in kind.

The Role Model Principle

Marriage roles for the most part are unconsciously learned by long-term observation. My dad’s greatest gift to me was to treat Mom like a queen. He was always saying something good or kind to or about her. He never allowed any of his children to be critical of her. Some of us, sadly, must overcome the disadvantage of poor models. After all, we did not choose our parents. But be of good cheer; there is a solution to the role model problem! We are to honor our parents. However, if they are inadequate marital role models, find another model — a better example — and follow the one you choose to follow.

What is the best gift you can give to your children? The daughter who grows up watching a respectful relationship between her parents will not settle for less herself — she is safe. You don’t have to worry about her getting in with the wrong crowd; she has seen the good model, knows the respect which she has received at home and which she has seen her mother receive, and won’t settle for less. The son who grows up watching a respectful relationship between you and your spouse will understand the role of a kind married partner. He will also want a wife who has potential for a mutually affirming and respectful marriage. He, too, is safe.

Find the Strength behind the Weaknesses

We all have strengths and weaknesses. Interestingly, there is often a strength on the flip side of our weakness. A merciful person may appear weak, but she is good at sympathy. A disciplined person may seem mechanical, but he is dependable. A flexible person may not reach his goals quickly, but he can adjust to a variety of situations. The challenge is that weaknesses are often more obvious than strengths, especially if the strengths have not yet been encouraged. Consider this your invitation to discover your spouse’s strength that is on the other side of his or her weakness. When we do that, we can begin to encourage and develop it. Let’s learn to capitalize on our partner’s strengths, while we help compensate for their weaknesses. Does this remove the weakness? No, but it changes the focus and therefore greatly alters the relationship from a war of criticism to a mutual appreciation of strengths.

Char is creative. She seems to brim over with good ideas — so much so that she does not have the energy to complete all her ideas. She gets started on one good idea for helping someone and then thinks of a great idea for making something for a grandchild. For a long time, I complained about all the unfinished projects laying around the house or hiding in closets, boxes, and drawers. Then I learned to appreciate her creativity! Now, sometimes I help her finish them and other times I simply give her “space” to finish them herself. Identify weaknesses and strengths; compensate for weaknesses; utilize strengths. If you do this, the level of peace in your home will rise more than just a few notches.

The Equal Partner Principle

This could also be called the Mutually Submissive Principle. Marriage is a blend of equal partnership and mutual submission. Wives are called “heirs with you” in I Peter 3:7. God is my father-in-law! God won’t answer my prayers if I don’t take good care of Char. When I pray, God asks, “How are you treating Char? How are you taking care of my daughter?” When our marriages are balanced by scriptural guidelines of respect and equality, in honor preferring one another and bearing one another’s burdens, our competition becomes cooperation. Your spouse is a child of God — don’t violate one of God’s kids! Before she is my wife, first (and eternally), Char is my Christian sister.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” is written at the head of the section on marriage instruction in Ephesians 5. Many Bible publishers make the mistake of inserting the heading “Wives and Husbands” after this phrase, thus excluding this verse from the section on wives and husbands. Paul didn’t put the heading there; we did. In other words, the first phrase in Paul’s section on the marriage relationship in Ephesians 5 is: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Wives are not the only ones to submit; both are. The mutually submissive principle works in all family relationships, especially, the husband and wife partnership. It is not the weak person who can understand this; it is the strong. Weak people are afraid to make themselves vulnerable; they want their own way. The strong know when to yield and have character to do it.

Caring Enough to Confront

Of course, we should be tolerant and patient with each other in marriage. However, too much tolerance and patience with another’s faults can create problems. God can give us the wisdom and grace to know when we should yield to our partner. He also can help us understand when it would most honor Him (and the partner) to kindly approach them about issues. We should not be hypercritical, but we should love enough to discuss real issues.

In the interest of your own continued development, create an atmosphere where your partner can confront you when you have a blind spot. Likewise, don’t allow your partner to repeatedly do something seriously wrong. Lovingly and tactfully approach them about it. Otherwise, you permit the behavior and appear to approve by passively allowing it. This is sometimes referred to as codependency. When one partner becomes too tolerant, he or she loses the opportunity to learn how to address issues politely. As a result, the other partner loses the opportunity to grow by dealing with his or her faults. People who always get their own way become less flexible. Unfortunately, in some marriages, one partner becomes increasingly passive while the other becomes more and more stubborn as the years go by. This is good for neither one — nor their friends!

Growth in marriage is an exciting life-long, gradually developing process. Part of the process is caring enough about our development that we welcome criticism. Caring enough about our mate’s development that we are willing to confront them is also part of that process. Have courage, not only to save your marriage, but also to grow in it. When someone is too controlling, it is permissible to kindly and firmly resist — or confront — him or her by asserting yourself. I read about a man who grew tired of taking the kind of vacation his wife wanted year after year. He finally embarked on a vacation by himself after putting his wife on the plane for the vacation she always wanted. I didn’t have to get so radical, but one recent summer vacation with my family, there were several times I felt pressured towards activities I did not want to do. Remembering the principle I am dealing with here, I said I would “sit this one out.” I finished my time in prayer, read a book, and ran a training run. When the whole family was together again, I was glad to see them.

The Headship Principle

The idea of headship in marriage has been severely criticized, mostly because it is misunderstood. Headship is not a grasp for authority on the part of the husband. It is an awesome responsibility; neither a head-ache nor a head-trip. Headship involves maintaining unity, care, provision, and nurturing for the body — in this case, the wife — and sometimes accepting guilt when something goes wrong. It also produces order which entails someone leading and someone following. However, the overriding responsibility of headship is to care for another. There is a world of difference between “lording it over” and “responsibility for the well-being of.”

Healthy headship involves free discussion of plans while they are being made. A smart and loving husband involves his wife’s counsel and prayer in the planning process. Plans birthed in discussion and prayer together are more easily implemented because both parties “own” them. Before we went to China in 1991, I wanted to go, but Char didn’t. I knew she didn’t want to go, so I told her we wouldn’t go if she didn’t want to. Meanwhile, she knew the disappointment I would experience if we didn’t go, so she was willing to go. Her rationale was based on this verse from the Living Bible: “Wives fit in with your husbands’ plans” (I Peter 3:1). This principle for wives is the counterpart of the husband’s duty to love, protect, and cherish wives as Christ did the church. He gave Himself for her salvation and eternal comfort. These two sets of duties can work well together, but the key is for husbands not to demand submission. Submission is not something we demand; it is something the partner gives. When husbands do their part well, the wives’ parts become much easier. This sobers me greatly. When Char knows what I want, she tries to fit in with those desires, just as when I know her need, I try to provide it. Often she is more successful than I am.