Defusing the Passive-Aggressive

Defusing the Passive-Aggressive

By Chrissy Coleman

Ask, "What’s Wrong?" and the reply is, "Nothing . . ." followed by deafening silence that means anything but nothing. Then a few minutes, hours or days later, hurtful remarks are fired at you from out of the blue.

It is difficult to deal with passive-aggressive behavior, but you’ll find that a few moments spent defusing the situation will improve the quality of your relationship.

Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior, at its heart, is the display of poor communication skills: a person feels unhappy or frustrated but is unable to express those emotions clearly and openly. Instead,the feelings seep out in maladaptive ways. Ironically, there is often a strong desire in a passive-aggressive person to become closer to their partner; however, their behavior tends to drive the partner away, adding fuel to the fires of frustration.

Passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship rarely appears overnight. Usually it is part ofa person’s personality, an emotional coping mechanism used for a long time. If a person grew up in a household in which the expression of any negative emotion was discouraged, frustration may have been routinely repressed until reaching a critical point. When negative emotions are more uncomfortable to stifle than the risk of expression, a volcanic explosion may occur – fiery, mean-spirited verbal attacks and/or periods of withdrawal or pouting.

Passive-aggressive coping mechanisms often are learned from otherswho have accepted this maladaptive communication style as the norm. These “models” could be parents, siblings, friends, and even past partners. Passive-aggressive behavior may be part of a dependent personality or an all-or-nothing approach to life.

However the communication style developed, the good news is that passive-aggressive behaviordoes not make a person bad—but it does make for a person who has work to do in the area of interpersonal communication and self-esteem. In a healthy relationship both partners feel as though they can share their innermost thoughts and feelings — including fears and frustrations — and that those thoughts and feelings will be taken seriously by the other. Working on correcting passive-aggressive tendencies will make for a more emotionally stable and healthy relationship.

Here is a guide to defusing the top two passive-aggressive behaviors in relationships:

1. The Silent Treatment

S/he says . . . "Nothing…" in response to “What’s wrong?”, while lookingsad and moping about.

S/he means . . . I am upset about something, but I am afraid to express myself because I do not want to jeopardize the bond we share. I would really like you to inquire about what’s wrong and pay attention to what I have to say because it’s important to me. I feel more comfortable with you approaching me gently and with compassion. In nonverbal ways I’ll ask you to approach me.I need your undivided attention and lots of compassion as you listen to my concerns. I’ll repeat my non-verbal behavior until I am absolutely sure that I have your attention. I really want you to understand and be respectful of my needs.

What to do . . . The first few times you recognize this behavior, play by the rules s/he needs in order to open up. It may seem like a hassle, especially if it happens a lot, but realize that this person you love and care for is uncomfortable and is asking for your help.Give your undivided attention, and make a concerted effort to understand. Becausethe behavior most likely stems from having a hard time dealing with negative emotions felt toward someone loved, constant reassurance will be needed as the good habit of comfortably expressing frustrations and fears develops.

2. Emotional Dart Throwing

S/he says . . . One-liners full of blame and accusationsand appears anxious and angry. S/he may be unable to make eye contact while delivering these barbs, and so appears to be focused on other tasks, such as reading a magazine in the passenger side of a car while on a long day trip or performing small chores around the house. Or s/he may make an intense and direct assault, followed by tears and apologies.

S/he means . . . I am really frustrated by something that you’re doing (or not doing).I have been frustrated for some time but haven’t said anything -- or if I did it was only a hint because I was afraid of "rocking the boat." Now this frustration is absolutely intolerable. My emotions are so intense I feel like I could burst and I feel really bad about it.

What to do . . . Even though it’s hard to stay calm when your partner is reciting a laundry list of everything that’s wrong with you, try not to overreact. Hear out the criticismswith undivided attention.Reassure your partner that you love her/him and that any concern that s/he takes seriously is a concern that you do as well. Encourage calmness.Resist the urge to be defensive, even if it seems warranted; also refrain from asking the question that may be obvious to you: "But why didn’t you say anything until now?" S/he has a hard time expressing negative emotions, so compassion toward thisinability is necessary.

If your partner has been bottling frustrations for a while the outburst may seem monumental for both of you. Instead of turning an outburst into a large argument and more hurt (which will only reinforce notions that negative emotions are damaging), use it as an opportunity to help teach your partner that your relationship is a safe place to express anything. The safer s/he feels, the less passive-aggressive behavior there will be in the relationship. There still may be disagreements, but they will be handled with maturity and in less hurtful ways.

SOURCE: eHarmony.com

(October, 2007)