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Closeness or Control in Interpersonal Communication Online?
Long-Distance Relationships Mediated Through Skype
By Mirjam Gollmitzer
PhD Student, School of Communication, SimonFraserUniversity
Vancouver,Canada
Abstract
This paper examines how computer-mediated communication influences long-distance relationships. After introducing the reader to concepts of postmodern love and theories of online communication, I will apply these concepts to the case of Skype. More specifically, I will illustrate how the communication of romantic partners is mediated through Skype’s instant messaging service and desktop telephony via webcam. One question here is how feelings are communicatied. Another, more indirect form of communication via Skype is the status button that allows users to manipulate their online behaviour. For example, it is possible to watch your partner online while being invisible yourself. In this context, issues of trust and surveillance are discussed. Looking at the results of the analysis, I will argue that postmodern love and postmodern technology often “work” according to the same principles and are interdependent. At the very end of my paper, I will ask if computer-mediated communication is able to create “real” intimacy between long-distance partners or if it rather leads to a simulation of closeness.
Keywords: Romantic relationships, long-distance relationships, online communication, webcam, instant messaging, intimacy
Introduction
Due to the globalization of work and education we witness a steadily growing number of long-distance relationships today. Consequently, the use of communication technologies increasingly replaces face-to-face interactions. This essay examines how computer-mediated communication influences long-distance romantic relationships.More specifically, I will illustrate how forms of online communication, such as instant messaging and audiovisual chat via webcam, mediate these relationships. One important question is how emotions and everyday activities are shared online. Moreover, I will look at a form of indirect communication which most online platforms for interpersonal communication offer. The so-called status button makes the online presence of a user visible for others. At the same time, it allows for misleading others, for example, a user can appear offline while being actually online. In this context, issues of trust and surveillance are discussed.Skype will serve as an example of a platform for interpersonal communication that incorporates all three forms of communication mentioned above: the more “traditional” instant messaging, the possibility of online presence management, and the quite recent audiovisual chat.
The centralaimwhile looking at specific forms of online communication is to find out how the design of the technology allows romantic partners to experience intimacy while being geographically separated. By exploring this question, I hope to offer some larger insights into how the internet conditions human interaction in contemporary societies.
In this paper, long-distance romantic relationships are considered as emotionally and physically intimate relationships in which partners don’t see each other on a regular basis due to geographic separation. But why do I work with the notion of a long-distance relationship at all? There are several reasons for this.First, I want to show interpersonal relations in a state where computer-mediated communication is the primary means of interaction. At the same time, in order to highlight the differences between face-to-face and computer-mediated communication, I can not work with a purely virtual relationship in mind but rather with one that was first formed offline. Third, romantic relationships are considered because they seem especially well-suited to explore what happens if human beings with all their emotional ambiguity turn to the computer in a quest for human co-presence. All in all, this paper is more interested in what the technology does to relationships than what the relationship does with the technology. I am more concerned with the technological environment that forms the communication than with specific messages of the romantic couple.
By examining long-distance romantic relationships and communication technologies, this paper aims to explore two research areas that have so far rarely been treated together. On the one hand, psychological research on long-distance romantic relationships often doesnot pay adequate attention to the technologies that are used to maintain the relationship. On the other hand, communication scholars who have explored online communication have focused mainly on purely virtual relationships, not on those formed offline and maintained online.
This is not the only point in which this paper intends to make a difference with respect to the research literature. In sum, contemporary research has a significantly more positive view on computer-mediated communication today than it had in the past (Thurlow, Lengel & Tomic, 2004). For most researchers, the lack of nonverbal cues transmitted in different forms of online communication has turned from a burden into a blessing. Online communication today is widely celebrated as a new and exciting way to relate to each other. The argument is that computer-mediated communication should not be compared to face-to-face communication (anymore) but treated as a phenomenon in itself (Baym,2006). Researchers point to other media of interpersonal communication, such as the telegraph or the telephone that were initially criticized for making human communication “colder” but then gradually accepted as just another means of social interaction. This paper is critical of such a view and will question it throughout the following analysis of how Skype mediates long-distance relationships. The use of online communication by far exceeds the use of earlier or other technologies for interpersonal communication, both in diversity and scale (Baym, 2006,p.39). Furthermore, the technology does not simply supplement face-to-face interaction. It has made it obsolete in many domains and simulates it in ever more sophisticated ways as the recently emerging audiovisual chats via webcam illustrate. To point out the difference between computer-mediated communication and face-to-face interaction seems more important than ever since this difference is increasingly blurred by technological possibilities.
I will start with a conceptualization of postmodern love in the first section. This serves as a background against which the theory and practice of online communication in long-distance romantic relationships arethen considered. Looking at the results of this analysis, I will show to what extent online communication can create closeness between long-distance partners. Lastly, similarities between postmodern love and postmodern technologies will be discussed.
I. Postmodern love
For a conceptualization of postmodern love, I will draw onZygmunt Bauman’s bookLiquid Love(2003), and Kenneth J. Gergen’sanalysis inThe Saturated Self(1991).Both Gergen and Bauman write about the postmodern state of being and the nature of postmodern relationships.[1]Communication technology and its impact on human relationships occupy a decisive role in both their analyses. Thereby, theyilluminate the vital yet often neglected connection between human interaction and technology.
Gergen’s central thesis is that in the postmodern age, individuals have reached a state of social saturation. This means that our lives are populated by an ever-growing number of private and professional relationships. Being related to other human beings to such an extent leads to a concept of the self that is different from both the romantic (emphatic) and the modern (scientific and self-confident) concepts of the self. For Gergen, the relatedness of the individual is the very defining feature of the postmodern condition. Consequently, unique individual characteristics become less and less important. The postmodern personality only becomes visible in its relations to others.
Being related to so many people means playing a great a variety of roles, rendering just a part of your identity visible in each of your relationships. At the same time, we are always exposed to only partial identities when interacting with others. The consequence is a fragmentation of the individual that leaves no room for the concept of the autonomous, authentic self anymore (Gergen, 1991, p.7). Through the countless number of relationships we entertain, we grow familiar with countlessgeographic regions, world views, cultures and life styles. For the many different perspectives and a myriad of alternatives always pointing the way out of the current context, certainty and stability are traded off.
The development towards ever-growing relatedness is promoted by what Gergen calls “technologies of social saturation.” Examples of those technologies are the telegraph, the railway, the car, the telephone, the computer – basically all media of transportation and interpersonal or mass communication that offer us ever-expanding possibilities to relate to each other (p.61).Moreover, not only the number but also the pace of relationships is increased through those technologies.“A sense of affinity might blossom into a lively sense of interdependence within a brief period of time,” but the possibility of continuous connection might cause courtships to quickly move from excitement to exhaustion(p.173).The fact that we travel more than ever and and communicate mostly through technologies creates numerous situations of anonymity which foster a multiplicity of low-level or “friendly” romances rather than the one all-consuming romantic love of the past(p.65).That caters to the postmodern individuals’ preference forcontained and partial relationships that are only vital within their circumscribed domains(p.178).
As communiation technologies make it easy to stay in touch when apart and easy not to be in touch if preferred so, relationships are constantly disrupted and new ones formed. The attractiveness of those fractional relationships is based on their very limitations. The fact that the technology onlyallows for limited nonverbal cues intensifies the emotional level of many relationships. What also adds to intensity is that electronic communication results in a greater tendency to create an imaginary other. One can easily fantazise the other is feeling happy or sad and act accordingly(p.66).
Gergen concludes by stating that “we find technologies and life style operating in a state of symbiotic interdependence”(p.173).On the one hand, the Pastiche personality of postmodernity is a social chameleon, engaged in countless relationships, constantly borrowing bits and pieces of identity from whatever sources are available.The true self is of less interest today than style, self-marketing and self-monitoring, tailored to the situation or relation one is in. “Without nagging guilt pervading daily life, the postmodern individual is eager learning to seem rather than to be”(p.151).On the other hand, our postmodern technologies promote a multiplicitous and polymorphic being such as this in that they furnish invitations to incoherence of life patterns and relationships(p.173). Gergen sums upthe paramount role of technology in interpersonal communication by stating that “we enter the age of techno-personal systems”(p.173).
Zygmunt Bauman concentrates more exclusively on postmodern ways of loving in his account of contemporary relationships. According to him, we witnessa radical overhaul of intimate relationships today in which standards for calling a feeling or a relationship love have been lowered(Bauman, 2003, p. 5). Instead of life-long relationships, “semi-detached” couples populate today’s world. According to Bauman, the reason for that is the massive influence of the consumer culture. It not only coins our behaviour as consumers but also our perception and evaluation of social relationships. As a consequence, qualities such as humility, courage, faith and discipline are rare as they are seen as old-fashioned and non-effective(p.9).Instead, men and women favour “products” for instant use, quick fixes, instantaneous satisfaction, and money-back guarantees. They look at love as just another commodity. “Like other consumer goods, partnership is for consumption”(p.14).
In Bauman’s view, actingon wishes as soon as they evolve is “drilled deeply into daily conduct by the mighty powers of the consumer market”(p.12).That also means that goods may be exchanged for others. “Lovers like stockholders, open the newspaper stock-exchange pages first thing in the morning to find out whether it is time to hold on or to let go.”(p.14) Bauman observes that today’s romantic relationships are more than ever characterized by the frantic wish to reduce uncertainty, to control one’s emotions at every stage of the relationship and to avoid deep and lasting commitments. Therefore, there’s no falling in love anymore at the beginning of a relationship and there’s a quest for strategies to emerge out of it unscathed (p.23). Lovehas become a “Siamese twin” of powergreed, an instrument to exercise control over the other in order to contain his or her influence (p.9).
Bauman ascribes a huge role to technology in contemporary love relationships. Communication technologies “take the waiting out of wanting.” They make the instant wish to be in touch come true. In addition, they cater to the peculiar mixture of craving for freedom and belonging at the same time that characterizes the postmodern inidvidual’s attitude towards social relations (p.34).“We belong – to the even flow of words and unfinished sentences (abbreviated, to be sure, truncated to speed up the circulation)”, Bauman states (p.34). The technologies enable us to engage in social networking which in turn saves us from loneliness but demands no commitment. According to Bauman, the sole point of social networking today is to keep the chat going:“Stop talking – and you are out.”(p.35) Technologies offer people the possibility to stay – loosely - connected, to be “cocooned in a web of calls and messages”, even though they are constantly on the move(p.59).
The liberation from place that contemporary communication technologies offer means that physical closeness no longer determines proximity.Yet, Bauman argues, the other side of the virtual proximity coin is the advent of “virtual distance” in social life: Due to communication technologies, being separated is no obstacle to staying in touch. But getting in touch is also no obstacle to staying apart. Through that, technologies mitigate the fears of many today to become too closely attached to a single person. Therefore, communication technologies cause human connections to bemore frequent but at the same time more shallow, more intense but also more brief. Overall, both Gergen and Bauman attach a fundamental role to technology in their characterizations of contemporary relationships. It can be inferred from both of their works that the nature of postmodern technology in many ways corresponds to the postmodern individual’s needs, such as reducing risks in their social lives, having many options at hand at any given time,avoiding lasting commitments and finaldecisions. Let’s now take a closer look at the theory as well as the practice of such technologies.
II. Theories of Online Communication
Before I introduce the reader to different approaches to studying online communication, I would like to point out five key dimensions that help us understand the link between a technology and social behaviour (Joinson, 2003, p.20). All theories of online communication refer to these key elements and I will also draw to them in my analysis of communication forms on Skype.
The first key dimension is cost constraints; it influences not only the duration of an interaction but also the conversational style. Secondly, the bandwidth of a technology determines the amount and type of data that can be exchanged during a conversation. The higher the bandwidth, the more verbal or nonverbal cues can be transmitted. This leads us to the third key dimension. The cues or social presence conveyed by a communiation technology is considered a major force in shaping mediated communication. For example, instant messaging allows for the transmission of verbal cues only, while internet telephony including webcams allows for nonverbal signals as well. Intimately connected to the concept of cues is the the level of anonymity a technology imposes on communication. In chat rooms, for example, users can stay visually anonymous while participants in audiovisual chat cannot. To move on to the next key dimension, there are asynchronous and synchronous forms of communication. The latter allow real-time interaction (chat rooms), while the former typically refer to e-mails and newsgroupsin which there is no pressure to reply immediately. The last key dimension is the question if the technology allows for sender-recipient-exclusivity or not (Joinson, 2003, p. 23).
1. Something Lost: Cues-filtered out Approaches
Researchers in the early years of computer-mediated communication developed a fairly critical view on this new means of communication by comparing it to face-to-face interactions. The Social Presence Approach, for example, concentrated on what was lost when people engaged in computer-mediated communication, namely nonverbal signals such as vocal cues, facial expression, body posture, and gestures(Baym, 2006, p.36)As a consequence, it was assumed that computer-mediated communication promotes task-oriented rather than social communication. The Reduced Context Cues Approach looked at the reduced roles of status, leadership, gender, and geography in computer-mediated communication and claimed that this would lead to disinhibited behaviouramong conversation partners (Joinson, 2003, p.27). In sum, all cues-filtered out approaches stressed that computer-mediated communication would more or less result in deindividuation and reduced self-regulation. Gradually, research shifted from technologically determinist approaches toa more user-focused perspective which will be described in the next paragraph.
2. Something Gained: Advantages of Lower Bandwidth
As a reaction to earlier research on computer-mediated communication, Walther introduced the Social Information Processing Theory (Walther, 1992). This theory says that computer-mediated communication can be as social as face-to-face communication, given that there are no time constraints. It rests on the assumption that users compensate for the “coldness” of the medium by developing extra warm and personal communication styles (Baym,2006, 37). This strategy also helps conversation partners to reduce uncertainty and to increase affinity, two basic needs that characterize human interactions. Walther argued that the process of doing so takes longer in computer-mediated communication than in face-to-face interaction but is certainly possible.
In 1996, Walther extended his own theory with a study that indicated that computer-mediated communication can be significantly more social and satisfying than face-to-face interaction because of the lack of certain cues (Walther, 1996, Joinson, 2003). In this so-called Hyperpersonal Model, the central effect of computer-mediated communication in interpersonal communication is the idealization of the conversation partner. Due to the lack of visual cues, the attractiveness of the other is overestimated and communication therefore experienced as more socially desirable than face-to-face interaction. (Baym, 2006, p.45) The so-called Media Richness Theory also attributes an active role to the media user. It states that people choose rich (transmitting lots of cues) or lean (less cues) media according to their specific communication needs. For example, when equivocal matters are discussed, most likely a rich medium will be employed to ensure efficient exchange.