Children’s response to grief, a guide for parents

A few suggestions to help you understand your child's response to bereavement and find ways of helping them manage their loss.

Common Responses to Bereavement

The following reactions can continue over a short while or over months or years. Like anybody, children's grief may appear to come and go.

Shock and disbelief – Children in shock may be withdrawn or have outbursts of crying, or they may carry on as normal.

Denial – Children may refuse to accept what has happened. They may not appear to show signs of grief. They may become hyperactive as a coping mechanism to avoid thinking about what has happened. Children may switch off and be unable to talk about the loss.

Searching – Some children may cling to objects that were close to the lost person emotionally and physically.

Growing awareness – Feelings of anger, depression, sadness and despair are common. Guilt may be experienced from real or imagined negligence or harm towards the person who has died.

Acceptance and adjustment – Children begin to adjust to life without the lost person. This may take months or longer.

Common Behaviours

Children respond in different ways to grief. They may behave in any of the following ways.

  • Change in energy levels (very tired or overactive).
  • Difficult behaviours, e.g. tantrums and swearing or can be very willing to please.
  • Physical symptoms, for example tummy aches or bed wetting.
  • Slower learning pace and possible decline in school work.
  • Talking about events linked to the death.
  • Showing behaviours expected of a younger child.
  • Difficulties with friendships.
  • Poor concentration.
  • Anxiety, for example being afraid of the dark or difficulties separating from you.

How to help

  • Maintain a normal routine as far as possible to help provide a sense of security at a time of change.
  • Share your feelings. Children are often relieved to see that adults share their feelings and are also grieving.
  • Talking and listening. Create opportunities to talk. Your child may not be ready to talk but spending time together will give reassurance.
  • Plain speaking. Use straight forward language. Use of phrases such as 'passed away' may cause confusion. Answer questions honestly and accurately. If you do not know the answer it is fine to say so.
  • Talk to your child about whether they would like to attend the funeral or memorial service.
  • Remember to take time to look after yourself and talk about your own feelings to family and friends.