Characters:
Betty, a weather reporter, optimistic
John, the main news anchor, optimistic
Margot, the other main news anchor, optimistic
Perry, the traffic man, optimistic
The Apocalypse Morning Show
(Maybe there is a short, theme song or something similar like they have in these programs. Sung by John and Margot.)
JOHN
Hello, and welcome to your morning news program! I’m John, and we have a lovely program for you today, even though we happen to be in the middle of the Apocalypse!
MARGOT
(Laughs)
Yes, John. I’m Margot and I’ll be your co-host.
JOHN
Today, in the news, governments are falling through, Doomsday predictions are falling into place, and walls are just falling.
MARGOT
Who would’ve known this Apocalypse would be so eventful?
JOHN
Not me, that’s for sure.
MARGOT
Let’s begin this program by checking the traffic, with Perry. Perry, you there?
(Switches to Perry, holding his hood like they all do)
PERRY
Yep, John, I’m here, and boy do we have a rough day out on the roads. We are having major car pile-ups along the Blue Route and Benjamin Franklin Parkway, Kelly Drive is at a standstill. And if that isn’t bad enough, the zoo animals have all escaped, so watch out for running gorillas, lions, mangabeys, on your commute home.
(Switches back to John and Margot)
MARGOT
If I didn’t know better, I’d assume rush hour will be even worse than usual!
(John and Margot laugh)
JOHN
You’ve certainly got that right, Margot. Let’s now switch gears, and check in with the day’s entertainment and business!
MARGOT
And boy, do we have a bit of juicy gossip today! Taylor Swift and Harry Styles were seen fleeing to Romania earlier this week to avoid the catastrophic events happening in LA, and it is rumored that they’re now dating.
JOHN
I see sparks there!
MARGOT
And it’s not just the downed-power lines in Bucharest! (bew-karest)
JOHN
Despite the rotting corpses in the streets, this Apocalypse seems to have love in the air! Here’s a new fun fact. If we last nine months, which I’m not assuming,
(They both laugh)
We predict a huge spike in the population! All hotels are booked, and the entire country can’t be on business trips, if you get what I mean!
MARGOT
Oh I get it, John!
JOHN
Over on Wall Street, all stocks are down! The market’s crashing, that’s for sure. The Nasdaq is down 120%, and the Dow is down 348%! I think everything is down today, Margot!
MARGOT
But that’s another thing you would be wrong about John.
JOHN
Really? Which stock is up?
MARGOT
National Funeral Directors Association!
(Chuckles)
JOHN
I’m sure that’s a stock many would kill to have right now!
MARGOT
Seems the stock market’s new core is the coroners!
And now for the social media checks, from dedicated fans wanting to share a bit of their everyday lives with The Morning Show.
(They shift papers)
JOHN
Kasey from Oklahoma City says, “I don’t know what it is, but it’s coming for me! I’ve got to leave before-”
(Pause)
MARGOT
What an eye-opener! The Grandest Band says, “We’re sorry, loyal fans, but our new album won’t be available tomorrow like we had hoped, we can’t find our studio. We’re lost."
JOHN
Aww, and I was looking forward to that album! Anyways, Susie from Augusta, Maine writes, “This stupid Apocalypse! Now I’ll never get to tell John from The Morning Show that I love him!”
MARGOT
Admit it, John, you made that one up!
JOHN
(chuckles)
Alright, that one’s on me!
MARGOT
And now over to Betty for our in-studio weather report.
(To Betty)
BETTY
Thanks, Margot. This apocalypse, we will be experiencing fires spreading rampantly across the Maine, North Dakota, and Pennsylvania areas. Oklahoma is still simmering.
JOHN
Sounds like it’s time to break out those flip-flops and sunglasses!
BETTY
(Points to a map)
The rest of the country is already gone.
(Back to John and Margot)
(Flames licking everywhere, John and Margot are still happy as usual)
MARGOT
Turns out, we’re in the Pennsylvania area!
JOHN
Isn’t that a howler?
MARGOT
You and me both, John!
JOHN
Well, that’s all for today, we’ll possibly see you tomorrow on your-
(Blackout)