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Fool for "Love"
August 13, 1999, the happiest day of my life.
It was pouring rain and my boyfriend and I were coming home from the mall. We had gotten in a small argument and somehow the air between us became slightly thick. Suddenly in the middle of traffic he stopped the car and walked out towards the trunk. What was he doing? Had he completely lost his mind? I saw him reach for something and slowly pull it out of the truck. Then he walked to the passenger side of the car and opened my door. He gently pulled me out of my seat and stood me in front of him. All of this as the rain poured down on us and people held up behind us began honking and yelling for us to get out of the way. As my boyfriend sweetly told me all the things that a young girl in love wanted to hear he removed a small box from his pocket and with tears in his eyes he opened it. It was the most beautiful diamond ring. He tenderly slipped it on my finger and gave me a slow sweet kiss. We hugged and then the angry honks and screams became whistles and yells of congratulations. We eventually went home and continued with our "perfect" relationship for months to come.
As the new school year approached I became very sad. I was no longer going to be with my boyfriend. I was to begin my last year at Coral Park while he was starting a new life at FlU. As if that wasn't tough enough I was then faced with the problem of him wanting to join a Fraternity. Parties, late night meetings, mixers, and Sorority girls were not going to be easy to compete with. He asked if I would mind, I did but I couldn't be selfish. Could I? I knew that this would distance us but we were strong enough to face any challenge. We were in love, right? Yes we were and the fraternity was a very exciting new environment for him. I think that with these new found friends he finally felt like he had a family. The murder of his parents had left him alone for many years until he and I met. Now he had someone other than me to call when he was upset or worried and they always had good advice or some fun event to attend and relieve stress. I knew that he enjoyed it tremendously and because he took me to all the events and introduced me to everyone he knew I enjoyed it also. He seemed very proud that I was his and I was proud to stand by him.
But as clichéd as this may sound the seasons changed and so did our relationship. It all began when I was invited to a wedding in Tampa. I assumed he would naturally accompany me as he did to all social events but when I informed him about the wedding he said he wasn't going. That left me very confused. This was a side of him that I had never seen. He was so involved with my family. You can say that he took them for his own so why would he want to stay? Did he have someone else to entertain while I was gone? I asked some of our mutual friends what I should do and they all agreed that I should go to the wedding and try to understand that he simply did not wish to go. I did and when I returned things became significantly worse.
Without notice he would cancel dates on weekends or take me out then go off somewhere with his frat boys. I'm not sure where because he always told me that "it wasn't my business" and I should just go to bed and he would call me in the morning. So that is what I did. This was a big deal for me. He was now at college, living alone with no curfew and I was still stuck in high school with somewhat strict parents. I then knew that we were falling apart but with all the things that we had been through especially the fact that he was "my first" I just couldn't let him go. I had to find a way to hold on and see what the future had in store for us. Then someone suggested that I get a job to maybe distract my constant thoughts of him. I already had soccer to keep me busy for a while but it wasn't enough so I immediately applied at All State Insurance. When I got the job I was ecstatic so I called him to share the good news. At the time my car was broken so I also took the opportunity to ask him to pick me up from school that Thursday and drop me off at work. He was happy for me and said that he would be thrilled to pick me up.
Thursday came and I found myself in front of school waiting for two hours and he never showed. I eventually got a ride and arrived at work extremely late. Later that night he showed up to pick me up. I figured he would have flowers or a little something like he always did to say I'm sorry but he showed up with nothing but a bad attitude. He yelled and insulted me. He even tried to change the story and make it my fault. This manipulation happened often and like before I fell for his twisted story and eventually convinced myself that it was indeed my fault. I had upset him and had to call him and apologize. I had never done that but I did this time. After that the abuse was constant. His calls and visits became less frequent and every time we did see each other the animosity grew more and more. But I continued to allow him to belittle me. I let him dictate my life by keeping me home waiting for his calls, if he ever did call, and rushing to his side when he wanted to see me. I never complained or yelled back. The fear of him leaving me was too strong to put aside. After weeks of this treatment I realized that I had nothing to lose anymore and told him that I couldn't be in the relationship any longer. I also asked him to please not call me anymore deep down I had a weakness for him that would not be easily forgotten. Things calmed down after that and I truly began to live my life the way I wanted. I. was now going out with friends, doing much better in soccer and just having fun.
A couple of weeks later I received a phone call. It was him! Sadly I was extremely excited to hear from him, as I knew I would be. That joy ended quickly when I heard what he had to tell me. He was very sick and asked me to come to his dorm and see him. He needed me and I had to be there for him. I guess I needed him too because taking care of him was what made me happy. I rushed to his dorm and when I got there my heart nearly broke. He was scrunched up in bed breathing hard and running an extremely high fever. I didn't know what to do. Call the hospital? Call his guardian? I rationalized and thought about where I could take him. My house seemed the most reasonable. As we walked to the car he trembled and as I looked at him I knew that I had to be with him. We needed each other. I stayed up all night and attended him. This continued for two days until he felt better. Then just as quickly as he returned to my life he was gone. No thank you, no phone call, nothing. I was truly crushed. I never thought that I would be that girl that is used and abused but I was. This final separation made me turn to new and old friends for love and support but most of all for advice and comfort. I wanted to know that nothing was wrong with me and that I would be fine. They told me all the things I wanted to hear and I bounced back from the heartbreak quickly. Now that time has passed it is much easier to talk about what was really going on in that relationship. I thought he was without a doubt the perfect man for me. When things began to turn sour I stayed because I lacked the self-worth and confidence to get away from him. Maybe I felt like I wasn't beautiful, funny, intelligent, or desirable unless I was with him? These were the feelings that he gave me after I was cheated on.
I don't regret being with him, however. His "tough love" or" I don't give a damn unless I need you love" taught me very much. The lessons I learned after going through that relationship and reflecting on it now will help me throughout my entire life. The lesson of self worth is the one that has been most valuable to me. I didn't need him or any man to be happy or beautiful, or anything and letting a man abuse me was no way to show my love for him. He showed me that there were two sides to every story. Even though it was all an act his love, kindness and romance at the beginning of the relationship showed me what a real gentlemen was like and set a standard for all the men to follow. That was what I wanted from a partner and know now not to settle for less than what I deserve.
On the other hand he also built a wall for me. This wall has blocked many great relationships with men who were everything I could ever want from entering my life and I now have little or no trust for most people that I meet. I never know what their intentions are and therefore don't know when to share myself with them without getting hurt. I still haven't learned how to sort out the good and the bad? All in all I made many mistakes throughout that relationship but I can now sit back and think that it was truly the only way to have grown and learned. It was unlucky of me to have met someone like that at such a weak point in my life but my mother told me that experience equaled knowledge and gaining that experience at such a young age was beneficial to me. I can talk about all the reasons that I think were why I stayed with him but truth be told I stayed because at the moment I thought that I loved him.