A sample story…
In the summer of 2006, my mother was diagnosed with generalized cancer, with only a few months left. I used to spend as many days as I could by her side, and one day, she received a call tellingthat one of her nephew had killed himself.
My mother was the eldest of her family, and her nephew, a schizophrenic, was the son of her youngest brother. She was overwhelmed with tears and grief, and felt so much pain for her brother.
«I should be there, by his side,at this moment. He can’t be left with all of this alone. I should go… But I can’t, I’m too sick. Could you go and try support him? Could you do this for me?».
So I paid a visit to my uncle, and needless to say, the atmosphere was quite tensed and heavy, with long moments of silence… Then I found these words: «I understand you all suffer a lot, but I’m pretty sure that grief and sadness aren’t the worse of the story. I think most of the pain actually comes from guilt…
«Damned yes, did uncle answer with tears, everyone tells us not to feel guilty, but we just can’t help it, and it hurts so much…»
«I won’t tell you not to feel guilty, did I reply, because I think it is quite impossible. But I’ll try to explain why it is so. Guilt is kind of a malignant device that’s there to watch us, especially with the care of those we cheer most. The care of offspring is so much complicated that so many things could go awry.
Guilt is there to make us overprotective, always checking if we have done enough, if the baby is secure and not lacking anything. The pain associated with guilt is a monitoring device insuring that we try to do our best. That’s why you all feel so much pain, asking yourself what else you should have done to avoid what happened…
Now, let me suggest something: Next time you feel a burst of guilt, do greet it as the full measure of your love for your son, as a witness of your care, of all the pain you went through to help him…».
Again, a long silence, then uncle and aunt fell in tears and came to embrace me: «Oh thanks, it feels so much better to see it like that… Damned yes! Did we so much love him!»
A few days later I went to the funeral ceremony. On seeing me arrive, uncle rushed to the door with a large smile. «I’m so glad you came. Your aunt and I felt such a deep relief from your words. We’re more at peace now…».